Is your DH as involved in your DC's healthcare as you are?

[mariza]

Just curious as I am slightly annoyed with DH today. It's not that he doesn't care about our kids, he's a great dad on every level, but he has this negative attitude about medicine and doctors in general.
DS recently spent 3 days in the hospital having neb treatments every 4 hours and now that we're home we've been scaled back to 3 a day.
I've told DH he only has to do one in the morning and I will take care of the other two.
He NEVER does it and I am beyond frustrated. I don't know if he just doesn't get that they are preventative meds or if he just doesn't listen to me/ thinks I'm hypochondriac.
I work early mornings and come home around noon. When I ask if DS got his neb treatment he says "he sounded fine, he didn't need one" (last night I was up with DS till 11:30pm due to his wheezing and discomfort - even after 2 back-to-back treatments. I work at 4am, so this resulted in 3 hours of sleep for me!)
I've tried to expalin that when DS doesn't get one in the morning, it makes his nights worse and he says ok, but the cycle continues.
Please please someone give me some advice here. DS has an appointment at the Pulmonologist on Tuesday and I really want DH to come and hear what he says, but we don't have anyone to stay with DD and I don't trust him to go without me (it's impossible to get accurate medical info from him after an appointment!)
How do I get him to seperate his own medical views from what's best for our kids?
*disclaimer: too tired to spellcheck*

Mariza
Mommy to my "Thing 1" DD 1/05
and "Thing 2" DS 9/06

[kcandz]

What prompts the bad attitude towards doctors? Did he have a bad experience when he was younger? Or is the attitude a coping mechanism for fear or anxiety for the health of your DS?

Honestly I think the best way is to have your DH go to the doctor with you. Could you all go, DD also? Not ideal, but maybe the words of an objective professional will have some impact over yours. You could even discuss with the doctor ahead of the appointment so the doctor can address your DH directly. Or it could exacerbate the situation. I don't know.

Another thought is to have your DH stay up at night with your DS on a day they are missed and witness the suffering and wheezing first hand. How heartbreaking that must be.

Or show him your post here with the responses? Again, maybe something he sees from a different source may open his eyes.

Good luck mama.

[mariza]

I really don't know what prompts the attitude. He was in the Navy and he's from the South with a "cowboy up" attitude, not sure if that has anything to do with it?
I'll try to convince him we all need to go. Having him stay up is not an option, he works evenings ang gets home at 12:30- 1am. By that time I've managed to get DS settled. In order for it to happen on his nights off, I'd have to skip a dose be be the one responsible for the suffering. Not something I'm willing to do to prove a point.
I'll think about showing him the post, but again, he'd probably be upset about me posting our issues on a public forum.
Thanks for trying anyway, I appreciate the support :)

Mariza
Mommy to my "Thing 1" DD 1/05
and "Thing 2" DS 9/06

[MarisaSF]

In your husband's defense, I'll say that my DH pays much better attention to DD's medical issues than I can/do. He gets totally frustrated that I can't seem to remember to put her eczema cream on twice a day when she has an outbreak. It's just a total mindblock for me. I know it should be done. I want her to get better. I obvioiusly CARE, I just have mentally given the job to him. He thinks, just like you do, that I don't take the issue seriously, but since he takes it so seriously, I've just let it leave my mind somehow. I know that is probably hard to understand since you care so much.

I think that happens a lot in childcare and household duties. As much as we want to think that everything can be split 50/50, it's just so much easier to divide tasks by the task. DH worries about one category; I worry about another. I don't take out the compost; DH doesn't file the bills. It's not that the other doesn't care; it's just that one of us got good at doing one task and the other never picked it up.

Does that make sense in your case? I'm sure if you think about it, you'll realize there are many categories your DH takes care of that you don't.

I have total sympathy for the amount of work you do and I hope your son gets better soon!

[mariza]

Marisa, you are also so rational, I don't know if I should hug you or hate you :)
This is exactly what my house is like, but I just get frustrated when I remind him to do it and he tells me "DS sounds fine, he doesn't need it" I'm becoming a major nag and I don't like the person I'm turning into as a result. Any suggestions on how to better approach him in a way I can get through without sounding like a nag?

Mariza
Mommy to my "Thing 1" DD 1/05
and "Thing 2" DS 9/06

[npace19147]

Did he spend any time with your DS when in the hospital? Maybe remind him of that and say that if he (DH) doesn't give the treatments, DS might wind up back in the hospital.

Is there something they like to watch together on the tv that you don't ordinarily approve of? I know when we had to use the nebulizer on DD it was really hard, and we let her watch tv that she didn't usually get to watch as a way to get her to cooperate. Maybe you can use, I don't know, basketball together or something as a carrot for both of them?

I also know that it was sooooo hard forcing DD to have the nebulizer on and keep it on long enough to do any good. Do you think your DH might be rationalizing not doing it by saying DS is fine, when he really just doesn't want to make DS miserable, even if it's the best thing for him? (Hope that made sense...)

Other than that going to the Dr all together might be your best option. Good luck!

[chlobo]

This makes a lot of sense. I know my husband is a bit of a safety freak when it comes to certain things in the household (unplugging the toaster oven, making sure the wood stove functions properly). I've just given up even thinking about those things because he does. So why waste mental energy.

Could you maybe ask him what would help him remember? Does he need a sign someplace? A med alert bracelet to remind him? Would something like that help?

[mariza]

I really don't know what more to do. We had a big argument about it this morning (among other things)
I brought DS up from my mother's and had had a rash all over his torso, so I voiced my concern to DH. His response? He's fine, your mother probably put some cream on him that he's not used to (my Mom uses the Aveno baby that I supply her with that we use in our apt.)
So I bring up my concern over his lack of concern when it comes to health care of DC's.
He tells me that he's concerned when he needs to be, but I "over-react" enough for the both of us. And that DS never coughs in the morning and his breathing always sounds fine at which point (on cue) DS begins coughing and sounds noticeabley congested so I hold him in front of DH's face and say, "I don't understand how you don't hear that". I explain (yet again) that giving him the nebs BEFORE he sounds wheezy (aka, "sounds fine) will prevent the wheezes.
All I got was "your absolutely right" (in that sarcastic, "whatever" tone) and he walks out.
I am so freakin' mad right now (the argument went into other things that don't have anything to do with my original post, so no need to get into it) but, I still don't get why the big f*ing struggle to give the kids something so basic as his medicine! (sorry for the cursing, I am just livid right now)
It's not that he forgets, becasue I constantly remind him (and leave the nebulizer on the kitchen table!)
It's not that he doesn't want to see DS upset because DS is so used to it by now I can put it on while he's napping and he won't even notice.
I think I just happened to have married the most unbelievably stubborn, makes no-sense man on the planet.
Anyone wanna meet me for Margarita's?

Mariza
Mommy to my "Thing 1" DD 1/05
and "Thing 2" DS 9/06

[npace19147]

Wow, that just s*cks. When things calm down, could you tell him that if he won't do it, you'll pay someone else to come over and do it? Probably cause another fight, but if it hits him in the wallet maybe it would have an effect?

Good luck!

[mariza]

HeHe, you just gave me an idea...
I'll start having my Mom come upstairs to do it! We rent and apt. upstairs from her. Part of our arguing lately is due to our living circumstances and he hates being dependant on her since we can't find a house in our price range. Having her come up to do it will *totally* get under his skin }(
I'll ask her to come do it on Wed. when I go back to work, I bet I'll never have to remind him again. Thanks for the idea!

Mariza
Mommy to my "Thing 1" DD 1/05
and "Thing 2" DS 9/06

[kijip]

Yes, my husband knows as much about T's health as I do. But that is not saying much as the kid has been to the doctor fewer than 10 times including well baby visits.

I am not like your husband about medicine and doctors in general but I do have a touch of a hospital phobia. While T has never had to go to the hospital, I do delegate all hospital related duties in the family to my husband. For example- my dad needed to go to the ER for heart issues. My husband went with and stayed with him because I would be useless in the situation, as I would start to freak out.

I hope that you guys can reach a solution. Is there no way to bring DD along to the appointment? I know it is not ideal, but perhaps having all 4 of you there is better than your DH missing the information.

[kijip]

Yes, my husband knows as much about T's health as I do. But that is not saying much as the kid has been to the doctor fewer than 10 times including well baby visits.

I am not like your husband about medicine and doctors in general but I do have a touch of a hospital phobia. While T has never had to go to the hospital, I do delegate all hospital related duties in the family to my husband. For example- my dad needed to go to the ER for heart issues. My husband went with and stayed with him because I would be useless in the situation, as I would start to freak out.

I hope that you guys can reach a solution. Is there no way to bring DD along to the appointment? I know it is not ideal, but perhaps having all 4 of you there is better than your DH missing the information.

[gina]

I was raised in a house with 6 kids and no health ins so you can imagine we had to be pretty darn sick to go to the dr. On top of that my mom had taken a nausea medicine when pregnant with my oldest brother and he was born with a separated esophagus and had to had surgery. They had to feed him his milk with an eyedropper and run tubes down his throat every day. So now my mom is pretty much anti medicine. If there is another way to treat something she will and she pretty much tries to stay out of the dr's office.

I have to say that I have picked up a lot of that. I frustrate my husband when dd has a cold because I will say that she sounds fine so I didn't give her any pedicare (because all it does is treat symptoms and her body will heal itself). He gets frustrated with me because I won't give it to her and sometimes the more he pushes the more adamant I am. I guess it is my way of rebelling. Sometimes I will even tell him I gave it to her just to make him happy. Of course we are just talking about a cold here. I don't want her to be miserable, I just prefer to use saline, etc instead of putting potentially harmful drugs in her. That said, I always finish antibiotics and if the doctor prescribes something I make sure she gets it. Sometimes just the struggle of getting her to take the medicine is enough to make we want to not give it to her, but if I know she needs it, I do it.

Gina

DD 15 yr Jade
DD 12 mo - Happy First Birthday Olivia!

[Tondi G]

If my DH couldn't remember or wouldn't do it I would have my mom come up and do it!!!! Shoot if he can't see it fit to take care of it then find a way to have it taken care of yourself! I just don't understand why he doesn't understand why your child NEEDS the meds.... you are trying to keep him from wheezing not waiting till it's a struggle for him to breathe!!!!

If it were me I would would be calling every 5 minutes in the morning to make sure he did it!!!! Sounds like sending your mom up to take care of it might do the trick for you!

Good Luck

~Tondi