How to answer questions about religious differences

[kransden]

DH and I love holidays. We celebrate Christmas, Easter, birthdays, Chinese New Year, Groundhogs Day, etc. DD is 4. She loves a little boy that is a Jehovah’s Witness. She was crushed she couldn’t give or get a valentine from him. I told her she could make a friendship card for him, and the mother agreed that was a good idea. So that crisis was averted, but there are also children that aren’t Christian at the daycare. I think diversity is good, but I am having a hard time explaining that some people believe one thing and others believe other ideas. Does anybody have any suggestions or books to read that might be helpful? I've tried my best, but I don't think DD gets it. Or is this just a phase that she is going through?
TIA

Karin and Katie 10/24/02

[kransden]

DH and I love holidays. We celebrate Christmas, Easter, birthdays, Chinese New Year, Groundhogs Day, etc. DD is 4. She loves a little boy that is a Jehovah’s Witness. She was crushed she couldn’t give or get a valentine from him. I told her she could make a friendship card for him, and the mother agreed that was a good idea. So that crisis was averted, but there are also children that aren’t Christian at the daycare. I think diversity is good, but I am having a hard time explaining that some people believe one thing and others believe other ideas. Does anybody have any suggestions or books to read that might be helpful? I've tried my best, but I don't think DD gets it. Or is this just a phase that she is going through?
TIA

Karin and Katie 10/24/02

[marit]

My daughter is also 4 years old. She asks me often how come different houses have different house-rules. For example, in some houses you have to take your shoes off in some you don't. She has a friend whose daddy allows him only one play date a week (we go almost every day). Some allow a lot of candies we don't. One friend can't watch TV during the week (god bless her mother's soul) but we do all the time, etc.

I just try to explain that each family is different, and each family has different set of rules and beliefs, and that is OK. So when the Christmas question came up (why does everyone have Christmas lights and we don't) I told her the same thing - that every family has different set of rules and beliefs. She related to it because it is much easier for her to grasp that one kid can eat candy while another can't watch TV etc. than for me to try to explain that we're Jewish :)

[Piglet]

How about the opposite approach? What if you focused on something that your family does that is totally unique. For example, you might have a funny ritual that you invented (someone on here gave us a great family ritual of making pancakes with the kids' intials whenever we make pancakes). Tell your DD that there are things that make people unique (like your family ritual) and that it is what makes them special. The little boy that doesn't celebrate Valentines has things that make him unique - his own holidays and rituals. Maybe she can learn about his customs?

We are Jewish and my kids have a very strong sense of what makes them different, but they embrace it rather than wanting to be like everyone else. It would be awfully boring if everyone was the same, and I love hearing about peoples' customs and traditions.

[gatorsmom]

My mom's favorite saying was, "when you get older you'll understand." not a very satisfying answer, but true nonetheless for many things. She'd explain the best she could and then follow up with this saying. My kids haven't started asking those questions yet, but that is my plan. Oh, and I'll add in my own saying, "they aren't better or worse just different." We'll see how well it works. :)


Lisa
Mom to Gator July 2003
And Cha-Cha July 2005

[egoldber]

I have always explained it to DD that everyone and every family is different and that's part of what makes life interesting. I wouldn't delve into too many details. I would follow her lead and answer the questions as simply as you can. If she wants more detail she'll ask for it. Asking lots and lots of questions (even the same ones over and over again) is how 4 year olds process information.

[kransden]

Well I do tell her that people are different and have/do different things. That she seems to get. i.e. Marlee has a Barbie playhouse and she doesn't, but she has princess costumes and Marlee doesn't. Rules at school are different than the ones at home. She seems to understand that quite well.

What is baffling her is the God concept. Why does God not want you to celebrate birthdays? Why do we celebrate them if XXX thinks they are bad? Basically she doesn't understand how can you believe in God and not believe in the same thing. Why aren't the rules the same for everyone just like in class?

Karin and Katie 10/24/02

[Piglet]

Ahhh... that is a bit harder!

A very wonderful rabbi once told me that sometimes when kids ask questions about God they are trying to make sense of something they can't put their finger on. He told me that his daughter once asked him what colour God was. He had no idea why she was asking such an odd question. He tried the approach that God is not a single colour but can be whatever we want him to be (so blue like the sky, etc.). She didn't buy it. Eventually he figured out that she wanted to know if she could see God. He then tried the approach that God is all around us. That didn't seem to answer her questions either. Finally he figured out that his approach was totally wrong - somehow he figured out that she had just gotten to the age where she was conscious of modesty/privacy and she was worried that God could be in the bathroom with her. She didn't care about the concept of God or about the belief in God. She simply couldn't put her finger on the question at hand - can God see me when I doing my business, LOL.

I know that story is off-topic a bit, but my guess is that your daughter might be asking about God but might not actually be asking the right question. Does that make sense? Maybe she is worried that birthdays are not allowed. All you might need to tell her is that her birthday will be celebrated as usual. For a 4 year old the idea of not celebrating a birthday is a horrible thought. She might just need reassurance that her birthday won't be ignored.

As for believing in one God with different rules, you can say that people have different traditions even if they have the same God. It doesn't make them better or worse. In our case, we keep kosher but many of our friends do not. DS1 is well aware of this issue and is okay with the fact that some people keep the full gamut of kosher and others don't. Our family choice is to keep kosher. I don't even mention God in those conversations too much. I stick with "our family" does xxx. 4 year old are sticklers for rules and like to have things really predictable, so she is probably wondering why some rules don't apply to everyone. You can probably find some examples like you let her eat in the family room, but her friend's mom says they have to eat in the kitchen, or whatever you can think of. It is good practice for when you still have her in a booster seat when all her friends are riding in adult seatbelts, or all her friends are going to a movie you don't approve of.

Good luck,

[kransden]

Marina, the potty story made me laugh! I think dd is trying to wrap her head around the whole God concept. Dd goes to daycare and some of the teachers are devout Christians. So some of the things they talk about are puzzling. As long as they don't talk about her burning in hell, I am ok with it. We need to have the conversations at some point. So we talk about dead people, angels, cemeteries, dead people that are buried in cemeteries. We also just went to a memorial service. Are dead people angels? How do bodies turn into flowers? (the cemetery had flat stones and flowers on the graves) How does the skin peel off of dead people, is there a machine? (WTH did she come up with this??!) The questions are just wild.

I see what you mean about the birthday question. She knows she still gets a birthday. What she can't get is why God wouldn't let someone have a birthday? So God and death have been popular topics in our house lately! On the plus side, it has made me think about exactly what I believe.


Karin and Katie 10/24/02