Do you have different expectations for guests in your home than your own kids?

[janeybwild]

Our rule is we sit to eat meals, and keep each other company until we’re all done (or mostly). At a recent play date at our house the 2 guest kids didn’t want to sit for lunch and that was ok by their mom. That's how they usually are she said. One would come back to the table periodically, the other not at all. Mostly, they played with toys quietly while my kids sat and ate their food. Not disruptive at all. My kids picked up on the double standard and I feel bad about that. My gut was this is my house, my rules. But, the mom didn’t take the hint and I was flummoxed about what to do. Its also someone I didn’t know too well, so that made it more tricky. I’d like to handle the whole thing better next time. How do you handle these types of differences in your home or when you are a guest in someone else’s home? How do you explain this to your kids? TIA

[schums]

In my house, we all sit down to eat. When we're done with the meal, we leave the table. DC don't necessarily stay until everyone is finished, but when they leave the table, their meal is done. With guests, I enforce the same rules (or try to). I have told other people's kids that they need to come eat or I'm going to assume that they are done with lunch/dinner and clear their plate. Usually I phrase it like "Suzy, are you done with your lunch? I'll put your plate in the sink/dishwasher if you are." If the answer is no, I'll nicely say something like "Well come finish eating with A & C so you can all play together." Usually they take the hint. If not, they can keep playing, but I'm not a buffet. When lunch is done, I clean up, whether the other kids have eaten or not.

At other people's houses, my DC follow our rules -- sit until you're done eating. They actually do this out of habit. I've been told they do this even when I'm not there. This is the same as in restaurants too -- we don't play at McD's until we're done eating.

ETA: I don't expect other kids (or mine) to sit until everyone else is done. They can speed eat and go play, and I'm ok with that. I just really dislike the "take a bite, play for 5 min. take another bite" thing. Plus, at least with my DC, it leads to requests for snacks within 1/2 hour or so!

Sarah
Mom to Alex (3/2002) and Catherine (8/2003)

[SnuggleBuggles]

I'm for guests' rights. You have welcomed them into your home and I think that you should not impose your rules on them (for most things- like I want people to take their shoes off...stuff like that).

We have a family that we like to visit with. They invited us over for brunch one Sunday during NFL play off season. We would have rescheduled but old mutual friends from out of town were going to be there too. Now, of the group all but the hosts like football. All but them wanted to watch football. The hosts said, "football will not be seen in our home. We don't like it and we will not allow it." At first I thought she was joking. She wasn't.

Luckily they have learned to ask us if there are any games we wanted to see so that we don't schedule during that time again.

After that happened it made me really think about things wrt company. Unless what the guest wants to do is harmful, destructive or dangerous I am going to let it slide.

As for kids picking up a double standard...well, I would handle that by saying when company comes things may be a little different. And maybe you could let your kids have a free pass on certain issues if it really is a not so often occurence. Now, if you are getting together with these people every week then it would be fine to tell your kids that dif't rules apply to dif't families and they are expected to do stay at the table.

Beth

ETA- we have a fast eater. And when we are at someone elses' house (especially for the 1st time) he is just so excited to check out their toys. I try to get him to stay at the table longer so the host's kids don't feel like they are missing out on playing. But, usually the hungry kids stay at the table and eat. No big deal. So long as people get enough to eat that is what I concern myself with.

I also think that rules can be dif't if they have a playmate over. Family dinners could be handled one way and playdates another.

[brittone2]

Tough question. I think some of it comes down to age, whether or not the parent is present, etc.

I think house rules that are safety oriented (don't jump on the couch, don't tease the dog, etc.) are fine to apply to everyone in your home. Maybe certain other ones too (damage to personal property, like in cases where people ask guests to remove shoes).

However, I also think parents have the right to have their own rules even in someone else's home provided it doesn't harm the house or people in it. For example, we don't require DS to clean his plate. If we were at a playdate where that was a requirement, I'd be offended if the host tried to make him, kwim? In most cases I'd assume the other parent will pick up the hint and encourage their DC to follow the "house rules" of the host, but in certain instances, I think it is fine for the guest parent to be a buffer and not apply some rules to their DC.

As DC get older and have playdates without the other parent present, I think the house rules become a bit more enforceable. School aged kids can certainly be asked to remain at the table until everyone is done eating, for example. But I wouldn't expect another person to necessarily demand their toddler do so.

Playdate etiquette is kinda confusing I guess :)

[egoldber]

Hmm. I guess that wouldn't bother me personally. The only rules I can think of that I would enforce are one that would protect my kids and my stuff from harm. Things I can think of are:

no jumping on furniture
no eating/drinking in rooms other than the kitchen/dining room (for kid guests anyway)
no hitting

ETA: not responding to the above poster, per se. Hit reply in the wrong post, d'oh!!!

[psophia17]

We don't really do playdates, but when we do go to friends, I do my best to get N to follow house rules. I also try and get my gf's kids to follow my house rules...but there's a lot of slack going both ways.

When we go for dinner at childless friends' homes (one set insists on dinner parties w/ kids), it's a whole different ballgame. No toys, no childproofing, and lots of knick-knacky type stuff...I'm sure those friends think we're very lenient with N, but the situation just doesn't work very well. I try harder for house rules then, but it's a lot harder to distract or redirect when there's nothing he's really allowed to get into...

[newmomto3kids]

In my book, we follow the house rules of the house we are at. And to some degree, I expect people to follow our house rules. To some degree. I wouldn't have a problem if they didn't want to sit at the table to eat, but I would if they wanted to ride laundry baskets down the staircase.
I tend to relax the house rules a little when people are visiting, because I don't have the time and energy to re-train other peoples kids to follow our rules for a couple hours.
The big rules still stay though, no hitting, potty mouth, teasing etc.

[californiagirl]

Some things are my house, my rules. Like there's no shooting people at our house. Staying at the table isn't one of those things, although I do keep my kid at the table if it's house rules where we are. If somebody else's kid gets down at our house and my kid asks why she can't unless she's done, I say "Different families have different rules. You have to follow our family's rules."

I think for kids that don't sit at home, it's too hard to expect them to sit at somebody else's house -- it's a skill that has to be learned over time and they just don't have. And I don't see it as hurting anything.

[KBecks]

I'd be fine if you told me "I'd like the kids to eat at the table and sit together until everyone is finished." And you don't have to know me in the least to make that request.

I'd do my best to accommodate your rule, but if my kids were having a hard time with it, I'd appreciate some slack because sometimes it's very hard to get the little ones to cooperate with something they are not used to.

So we'd try our best to follow your rule, and it might work or it might not.

HTH!

ETA: I have few rules in my house and my toddler runs wild. So, my guests don't have much to worry about at all. The main rule for guest kids is "please do not terrorize the cat."

[g-mama]

Personally, I just don't think it's that big a deal. My kids do not have the best mealtime habits because we don't often eat dinner together as a family. My dh gets home too late (7:30 or so) and so it's not something they are that used to doing, unfortunately.

I would try to get my kids to stay at the table, but wouldn't push it to the point that I am ruining our visit by continually talking about it, threatening, getting angry or frustrated. That would be more annoying behavior, IMO, than just letting it go. If I were the host, I'd simply tell my kids (later) that everyone has different rules in their home. Right now, when my oldest ds has a friend come over, he knows that as the host, he has to let his guest choose what he wants to play. It's pretty much the same thing to me. We cannot enforce our rules on others unless, as many others said, it's a safety issue.

If I had a friend who got in a huff about something like this (not saying you did!), I would honestly think she were being too uptight and that she should stop sweating the small stuff.



~Kristen

Paolo 11-00
Benjamin 8-03
Marco 12-05

[mamicka]

I think rules that are for safety, etc are different than manner rules. Safety rules get enforced at our house no matter who it is. Manner rules get suggested but I think that's pointless to try to teach a toddler for the short period of time that he/she is at your house.

My kids have very good table manners. My 3.5 yr-old asks to be excused, sits until everyone is done, if asked, etc. However, he wasn't able to do this until he was about 2 - 2.5. My almost 2-yr-old can't do it yet, but I expect he will before he's 3, like my oldest. I would be pretty steamed if this became an issue during a playdate with my toddler.

Allison
Surprise #3 (another boy!!!!!!!) due 7/07

[C99]

I do try very hard to follow "house rules" when we are elsewhere. But, that said, I would have a hard time enforcing someone else's rules about mealtime for a one-off occasion like a playdate. Rules that concern respect for property, kindness, or cleanliness, even if they differ from mine, are easy for me to ask my kids to follow and/or enforce.

I don't think it's that hard to explain differences among parenting styles or house rules to kids. After all, my kids know that they will get a different response from Daddy about some things than they get from me. We have a friend who is sensitive to peanuts and cannot eat certain things; when he is over, we do not eat PB&J for lunch (unlike every other lunch!) out of respect and sensitivity to friend. DS understands this.

In some respects, I am more lenient on visitors because they don't know what the house rules are and it's tough to enforce them. However, I do not have a problem gently correcting the kids or informing them of the house rules if I see a violation. Especially about things that involve respect for property, cleanliness or kindness.

[maddyzmommy]

Here's my deal with this. I have a family member who has NO rules for her children. No kidding. Standing on the table is met with a request for him to get down followed by a shrug when he refuses. Hello. He's allowed to walk around my house with chocolate while my kids have to sit and eat their meal without chocolate. It's not even my chocolate - she brings it for him. He just turned 5 so it's not that he's a tiny tot, either. He pitches the hugest fits if she tells him no I think she tries not to so she doesn't cause a scene. He has literally left chocolate hand prints on my walls. We don't allow food away from the table so I always say that's against our rules and please come back. She looks at me like I'm a loon and laughs and wishes me luck. He eats candy constantly, constantly and he talks back like nobody's business. My mother and I decided we can either put up with it and have them in our lives, we love them and want them around, or we can insist it stop and have a strained relationship. He hits my girls HARD and last time it happened my husband freaked and leaned down to him and said in a forceful voice, "NO! We do NOT hit!" The kid screamed and cried SO loud, I think no is a novel concept, and my SIL carried him off to the back bedroom. Thing is, she was furious that my husband and I told him no. I'm constantly amazed she actually thinks we should let him hurt our kids. It sounds unbelievable, like I'm overstating, but it's all totally true. I dread every visit because it's so upsetting to see my girls with him. My husband and I agreed that the next time they come to town he will take our younger kids away for the day each day and my older daughter and I will just deal with it the best we can. I come unglued inside when I see anyone be mean to my girls and the little ones are such targets. I really worry he's going to turn out to be a very mean man but my brother and his wife are amazing people and surely he won't keep this behavior through his life. He's very violent - he even shoved my three-year-old off a big toy once - I caught her barely and broke her fall a little. She still hit the ground. SIL grabbed him and stomped off. She didn't speak to me for hours which makes no sense because all I said was my daughter's name as I dove to catch her. There's no solving it, I know, so I guess I'm just venting. There's no way to make someone follow your house rules. We dread Christmases together with these guys because it's so unhappy for our kids. How sad is that?

Andi

[SnuggleBuggles]

"He's very violent - he even shoved my three-year-old off a big toy once - I caught her barely and broke her fall a little. She still hit the ground. SIL grabbed him and stomped off. She didn't speak to me for hours which makes no sense because all I said was my daughter's name as I dove to catch her."

Just to offer a possible explanation for this....maybe she was so worked up over her ds' behavior and just was so mad she didn't want to talk. That happens. You may think she has no rules about hitting or that she lets her child run wild but maybe this is something they are really struggling with. Is he in school? Does he do this sort of thing there? We have a 5yo in our class who is not "violent" but he has little social skills and doesn't realize he is so big/ powerful. Maybe he doesn't go out of his way to be "violent." (I just think violent is a really strong word- he just sounds very socially immature as this is the behavior of more of a 3yo and the fact that he is strong makes his actions seem so much worse. If 2 3yos were interacting like that it would seem different. They don't always realize that they are the bigger kid. I am not defending the lack of parental discipline and such but I just wanted to throw that out there). I'd probably just teach the girls to say, "NO! Hitting {whatever inappropriate action} is not nice!" so that they learn how to handle this "playground etiquette" when you aren't around. There could always be a bully that they can't easily avoid (hopefully not) so it would be good for them to really find a voice and a way of dealing with them.

Hopefully as he gets older things will get better. You could also teach the girls to just not really play with him much or just play quiet, non active things like board games.

Good luck! Sorry to offer my unsolicited thoughts. I just had a hitter/ biter (when he was 3) and it was so hard not to vilify him. We went to a psychologist about it even (just 2 appts). I felt like a terrible mom because I never set that kind of model for him and I always stressed playing gently with others. What he did when playing with others totally stressed me out. He didn't do these things all the time. He was a good kid. He just didn't know how to play well with others. It got much better though. :) It is really hard to be on this end of things too. I felt worse about than I did when ds got bit at school. I was sad for him when that happened but there were many more unhappy emotions when he was the giver.

Again, sorry to hijack!! Hopefully you can limit your visits with them. :)

Beth

[gatorsmom]

This is exactly what I do. Even when their mothers are there. We don't get down from the table til we are done eating. Although i take it one step further because my children are under 3 and most of their friends are too. When the children are finished and want to be excused, I wash off their hands with a clean, wet, soapy washcloth. Guest children too. Because our kitchen area is more like a great room directly connected to our family room. This room is full of pillows, carpets and appolstered (sp) furniture so if their hands are greasy, it will most likely get smeared on our furniture. I started doing this when I noticed that some of my friends didn't wipe off their children's hands. They just let them get down and play. Some of my friends let their children get down from the table with food in their hands!!! That's when I stepped in and set the rules. No one has ever seemed insulted by them yet.

Lisa
Mom to Gator July 2003
And Cha-Cha July 2005