DS is starting to notice diversity / skin color - how to handle?

[firstbaby]

DS is 3 and the last couple of days has started to remark on people's skin color "Mommy, is that lady brown or yellow?" "Mommy, the black man is in his van", etc. I am so torn on how to encourage my son to notice and embrace diversity whether that's skin color, etc versus teaching him that while people may look different, we are all just the same. While he really is just making observations as if he was remarking on their shirt color, I want to also make sure no one takes it the wrong way if we are out and about and overhears his innocent observations. Any one been there done that?

[egoldber]

I think everyone with older children has BTDT. :) As they get older they start to notice the world around them and to comment on it. To them commenting about skin color is as natural as commenting on shirt colors.

If my older child is making an innocent remark about skin color I don't correct or even comment on it unless she asks me a question. Once or twice she has innocently said something (fortunately no one else heard) that would have been taken as offensive by others. It was a comment not even about skin color, but she used a term that is often used as a derogatory description. I simply told her to please not say that because other people might find that word hurtful, but I tried not to make a big deal out of it.

Once we were in Nordstrom trying on shoes for her. Several of the shoe salesmen at our Nordstrom are men from Africa. As she was trying on shoes she said "Mommy, that man has black skin." I said "Yes, he does." The salesman asked her what color her skin was. She thought and thought and said "Maybe gray?" And she ran to the mirror to look at herself. It was amusing, although I was mortified at the time at her observation. But her comment was totally innocent and I don't think that anyone would be offended at a child's obviously innocent remark.

[JBaxter]

LOL this is our story...

My oldest Logan tans VERY VERY dark every year and has since a infant. My 2nd is pale and blond and hardly ever tans. When Connor ( my 2nd) was 3 he attended a daycare at our local YMCA. Swim class 2x a week was included in the price ... great program reasonable price. His best buddy was Leander who was very dark brown. One day after picking up Connor from daycare it was my custom to ask if he learned anything that day. He said GUESS WHAT MOMMY ... ( with connor you never knew ) He said Leander is brown. I said yes did you just notice that? He said NO mommy Leander is brown ALL OVER .. All his parts are brown . he went on to say when they changed for swimming he saw Leanders hiney and it wasnt even white like Logans he was brown even under his undies. He added did you know that some people are different colors all over. I said yes I did . he said Well WHY didnt you tell me? I just laughed. He thought some people just tanned dark. He did notice skin colors for a while but it was a phase.

[jenjenfirenjen]

lol! that is a funny story.

we live in a mixed race neighborhood. our neighbor who watches luke is black. he has noticed different skin colors before but it wasn't any big deal. if he said something in public that seemed offensive to someone i would address it but otherwise i don't think it's any big deal.

[kijip]

My parents just told us that people, like flowers, come in many skin colors. We are from an interracial family so it was never much of an issue since I just took it for granted that it was not unusual to look like my brother :). I have not used the flowers thing with T because I think it was a bit too cutsey but who knows? Maybe I would if needed. My son will be four in June and he is aware that people are different colors but has never really talked about it much. His cousins are different in ethnicity than him, as are about 1/2 of the kids in his preschool. Sometimes he comes home from my parents parroting a diversity message which is a tad funny since he does not really grasp the ramifications of what he is saying but I don't make a big deal about it. It is not that I don't teach him tolerance and acceptance but I tend to believe that those are things he will learn by observation. Also, for me, I don't want to get into many racial disscussions until my son is old enough to grasp the weight and seriousness of the situation. I don't intend to teach him the idea that skin color does not matter because in this country it does. And he is not really ready to delve into the injustice of that. I expect we will go on in this pattern until my son is 6 or 7, at which time I think he will be old enough to get some of the basic ideas. I base that on my own experience and know full well that it is different from everyone.

Unless children are exposed to racial bigotry around at home it is unlikely that they will come up with anything particularly offensive to say in public. If something makes you uncomfortable (that they heard from a friend or on tv or whatever), I agree with the pp suggestion to not make a big deal out of it and just tell them that it is not ok to use a certain word or description.

[ellies mom]

My husband is black, so I went straight to the source and asked him. Basically, he said that he wouldn't get offended by a child's observations. About the only thing that might offend him would be if the parent made a racist comment in response to the comment. But that is more about the adult than the child anyways.

Our DD still seems pretty oblivious to the whole skin colour concept. She has only commented on it once. I said something to DH about being a black man. She said "Daddy's a black man? I'm a pink girl!" She is very fair so I don't know if that is how she sees her skin colour or because she wears a lot of pink.

ETA- By the way Jeana, that is a really funny story!!!

[gatorruth]

I have no BTDT experience, but my 3.5 yr old DS asked, "Mommy, how did God paint us?" I thought it was so funny, I wrote it in his baby book!! So, yes, he is beginning to notice differences in people. Basically, I told him that each person is made up of a little of their mommy and a little of their daddy. It was enough for him.

Good luck!
Ruth

[crayonblue]

I've got one very fair, blond haired, blue eyed Caucasian daughter and one very dark, black haired, brown eyed Spanish daughter. My 3 year old has made several comments about her sister's really dark skin and black hair (total curiosity comments) and we talk about how God made both of them and made them special by making them different. We have talked about how Carmen has beautiful black hair and brown eyes and lovely brown skin and how Lauren has beautiful blond hair and blue eyes and lovely fair skin. I know some people insist that they don't see color but I think it's important to celebrate diversity not ignore it. We don't sit around obsessing about skin/hair/eye color but we talk about how beautiful both girls are in their very different ways. Personally, I am flat out jealous of Carmen's beautiful brown skin (I don't tan at all. Boo Hoo!) so I have to be careful not to make Lauren feel inferior with her fairer skin. I am striving for both girls to grow up feeling confidently beautiful about their looks. I suppose I make a big deal about this because I was not told I was lovely ever by my family and grew up feeling like an ugly duckling. Ok, I've gotten way off track!

We go to a multi-ethnic church and Lauren has often been the only white child in the nursery. She never seemed to notice any differences in herself and the other kids but one day we were at Target and she started yelling, "Mommy, that man is brown! That man is brown!" I said yes, and we moved on. I was just surprised he made such an impression on her!

I don't think there is anything at all wrong with recognizing differences and celebrating them. Noticing skin color is not racist. Thinking, believing and saying ugly remarks about skin color certainly is and a child should be taught that is wrong, wrong, wrong.

[DrSally]

You're right, he's just making observations that are innocent. I don't think most people would be insulted hearing questions coming from a child. As long as your reactions to different looking people are positive, I'm sure he has picked up on that and that will influence his perceptions already. So, simple answers to his questions should be enough to keep things positive. I would try not to feel embarrassed to address the topic as if it's something wrong or to be ashamed of. I've had kids at a checkout line say "Mommy, do you like her eyes (I'm Asian)?", and one mom simply said, "yes, I do". Very matter of factly. It was the perfect, simple response.

ETA: Several people have noted that they live in diverse areas, and I do think it helps kids to see many different types of people as they tend to see all types as "normal".

[DrSally]

"Well WHY didnt you tell me?"

That is too funny!!!

[deborah_r]

Just yesterday, Kai told us his friend at school is brown. We talked about it and I asked him if any of his other friends had brown skin and he listed some of them. I don't know if we handled it great, we didn't make much of a big deal of it.