Is anyone here adopted??

[gatorsmom]

My parents TTC for 10 years and were told it wouldn't happen. So they adopted me and 9 months later my mom got pregnant with my brother!!! She used to love to tell that story.

I never felt like I was treated differently- if anything, I was treated more special. But I think that was because I was their first child. My mom and my dad both said that the happiest day of their life is when they went to the hospital to take me home. My dad, who would NEVER let my mom drive while he was in the car, kept asking if she would drive so he could hold me. But she said she didn't want to let go! You probably feel the same way.

My mom was so proud of both of us kids, and she showed us both off all the time. She used to say she was so happy to have her girl and her boy. I knew very early that I was adopted and she used to love to tell the story of how badly she wanted me, that she used to cry when she would get her period. One time, when I was in my early teens and my whole family was around me, I really realized that I wasn't related to them. It just sort of hit me and I got very quiet (which is unusual for me). When my mom asked me what was wrong, I told them and they all came over and hugged me and told me how much they loved me and always would.

You'll be great as a mother- especially since you are conscious of what to avoid saying around your adopted child.

Lisa
Mom to Gator July 2003
And Cha-Cha July 2005

[saschalicks]

I'm not adopted but a VERY good friend of mine is. She has 2 older brothers who are biological children of her parents. She was adopted at 1 month old. She never felt less loved or that the biological boys were loved more. As a matter of fact I think she is closest to her father of the 3 kids. I know that doesn't help in your case but I have had many extensive conversation w/my friend and she definitely felt loved and like she was just another part of the family like everyone else. I'm sure this is how your family will be when Jonathan is home.

I'm sorry that you ever felt that way and I'm positive that Jonathan will never feel that way.

ETC

[caheinz]

I am. I was an only until I was 7.5 years old, and my little brother is the product of my mother and stepfather. (So, I'm still an only on one "side"!)

The differences in how my mother treated us have more to do with our respective personalities than adopted/biological. (My mom passed away coming up on four years ago, so the past tense is on purpose.) I was always the responsible one, so my brother got more help. It felt unfair sometimes, but honestly, I try to shrug it off.

My stepdad still treats me as his daughter, and he loves his grandson as much as anything. (DS is the only grandchild.) Again, the differences in treatment between my brother and I are easily attributed to personalities. I guess I should say age differences, too, since clearly 7.5 years is a long gap.

So, no, it's not a given that you will treat an adopted child any differently. At the time, I truly represented the realization of a dream of my mom's. My brother was just a bonus that came a long time later.

I hope you don't have much longer to wait.

[coachkath]

My DH and his biol sister were adopted. They were 9 and 4 respectively and then 3 years later little sis came along. Yes, she is treated differently, but I can't completely figure out why. I think it's b/c DH & Sis were older and never bonded with adopted parents. DH & biol Sis are very close and although baby sister simply sees them as older siblings, she cleary knows/feels that they are closer to each other than to her and so I think she felt left out so stayed more attached to parents. At this point it's ridiculous b/c baby sis is 28 years old now and still is the baby always running to mommy and daddy. But, as the baby in my own family, I know the baby, no matter who it is, always seems to get that extra attention anyway. It's hard to explain that to DH & his biol sister. I'm always hearing everyone's "side", how they were wronged. I just want to get everyone in the same room and slap them all upside the head.
But, being the outsider, I see DH's parents ARE cold and honestly, are complete with each other and never should've had kids. I think anyone with 1/2 a heart would treat adopted children and biol children the same.
Kathy
the chic with 3 MIL's - the only one I like is the one who is not even related, she's the one who "should've" adopted DH and is the BEST grandma to DD

[JustMe]

I'm not adopted, but I'm sure Kenley will do better than you did as you bring the experience of being adopted yourself to your parenting of him and your other children.

Do you know about the site soul of adoption? I'm not sure if I'm allowed to post a link, but basically it has discussions for and among all 3 parties of the adoption triad. There are some sections that are mostly written by adoptees and they are very interesting and informative to me as an adoptive mom.



Robyn

[DrSally]

I am adopted and focused my psychology studies and dissertation on adoption. I think it depends on the family. It is quite possible to be treated differently b/c your adopted and also quite possible to be treated as an equal member of the family, like all the others. It depends on a lot of things, one of which is the parent's reasons for adopting, how they resolved their fertility issues (if there were any), the "fit" btwn parent and child--sometimes when there isn't a good fit, there can be some "distancing" in the relationship. This is partially what my dissertation was about, as many more adopted kids are referred to mental health services than would seem warranted by the prevalance of mental illness in adopted kids. One of my theories was that if kids were having problems, adoptive parents may say, "he gets that from his bio parents", and thus start distancing from the child and reinforce the problem. I'm sure you all wanted to hear about my dissertation, but I just got started and couldn't stop writing!

[coachkath]

Actually DrSally, I find the subject of your dissertation really interesting. Is it published? If you saw my PP post about DH and biol sis, you'd probably understand why I'd want to understand both DH, his sis (they have issues) and the very odd behavior of his (adoptive)parents. His biol mom...so f-d up, I can't even go there.
Kathy

[KBecks]

I'm adopted.

I was the only girl with three older brothers and I was treated differently, I was very spoiled. :)

[C99]

As you know, I am not adopted. But I do wonder sometimes if there is a difference in parenting styles when, within a family, there is a combo of adopted children and biological children as opposed to just adopted children?

In my extended family, I have two sets of cousins who are adopted - one set on each side. On my mom's side, my mom has said that my grandmother treated my 2 adopted cousins differently than she treated her 7 biological children. On my dad's side, my 2 adopted cousins were treated the same - and almost more favorably than my siblings and me, but I think that has more to do with physical proximity than DNA.

[newmomto3kids]

Just curious if any of the mommas here are adopted themselves. I was adopted at birth as was a good friend of mine. We had an interesting talk this morning about our adopted parents. I am curious if any adopted moms here feel that their adoptive parents treat them differently than they do their biological children.
I think my parents still think of my sister as their "real daughter".
Not sure how much of that is my own insecurity vs. their actual feelings.
I am really hoping that I will never make Kenley feel the way I do about my parents, and that he never has doubts about my love for him.
Anyway, just being curious (read: nosey!!) and a little emotional that it is taking so long for him to come home.

[BarbieSmith]

I am not adopted. However, I can tell you that in my family, my two adopted DD are the light of our lives. We even gave up TTC bio children, because we think we cannot *possibly* love them as much as Ava and Keira! From what I gather on all the adoption forums, most parents of adopted children feel the same way! And those that have bio children too feel absolutely *no* difference between the two. Though I will allow a SMALL disclaimer for the things Sally mentioned... I can see that in a very very very small portion of adoptions these things could interfere.

You are a VERY special woman!!!
Barbie

[coachkath]

THis post reminded me of my friend who chose adoption over TTC. She feels the same way...I wish I included that in my first reply to OP. The funny thing is...she "forgets" that her daughter is adopted. She was somewhere and a stranger made a comment about her adopted daughter and my friend couldn't understand how the woman knew DD was adopted - then realized, oh yeah, DD is Chinese.
Kathy

[newmomto3kids]

OMG, that is exactly what happened in my family. The mental health services, the "fit", the distancing...I want to know more, please indulge...

[mommy111]

That brought tears to my eyes (and I'm not even sure why)...thank you for posting that little story about your friend. It so highlights a mom's protectiveness.

[crayonblue]

I'm not adopted but this very concern scares me for my daughters. Not that I or DH will treat them differently but that the rest of our family and friends will. Not in tangible ways. Not like bigger better presents or more time spent with the bio child. But, in small attitudes and comparisons. Comparisons are hard enough to deal with between bio kids so I am ultra-sensitive about it being done between bio and adopted children.

Good topic!

[DrSally]

Kathy, Thanks, I haven't talked about this in awhile b/c I've been in "mom" mode. I've been meaning to write it up for publication since I did have significant results, but, alas, I don't think that will happen until my kid(s) are in school! I think I saw your prev post. Adoption does "complicate" a lot of family dynamics. Sometimes it's hard to tell what is adoption related and what is just family issues, but it does add another layer of issues. Have you read "Journey of the Adopted Self" by Lifton. It's more about the adopted person and less about family dynamics, but I think it's a good book.

[DrSally]

Hi Cara,

I'm sorry you had a a tough adoption experience. Basically, in my opinion, adoption provides a convenient "splitting" (you're bad, I'm good) mechanism for when things get difficult in a family. As with bio children too, fit btwn temperment is important for a positive relationship and healthy development. If it isn't there, the parent really has to be proactive in adapting to her child (the child can't be responsible for this). It is my theory (borne out to a certain extent by some research and case studies) that things can easily spiral in a negative way when the adoptive child is seen as "bad" or a bad seed b/c of his/her genetics, and the problems are all located within the child. Narcissistically, the adoptive parent then might use this difference in bio background to distance from the child.

This could expain the higher mental health usage for adopted children, and much higher residential care treatment (severe solutions) for adopted children, than bio children. Adopted children have not been statistically found to have more mental illness than the general population. Adopted adults have actually been found to have less mental illness than nonadopted adults. This, of course, recreates the original feelings of rejection and abandonment, and leads to more behavioral problems, but also reinforces the parents perceptions that the child has/is a problem. I found one study in a neuropsych journal where they were trying to test whether adopted children were more prone to alcoholism and antisocial personality disorder. They found that it was the case ONLY in families where the adoptive parents were informed of the child's genetic background for these disorders. I think this shows how much perception can affect interactions and subsequent "outcome". I've read case examples of social workers going to visit homes where the adoptive child has become a "problem", only to find that the child has his/her bedroom in the basement, separated from the rest of the family, and other glaring things like this that can trigger emotional vulnerabilites in the adopted child. I hope this makes some sense, I'm just writing what comes to mind...

Of course, there are also wonderful outcomes, like the ones pp's have described, where parents are so in love with their adopted children and the bonding is as strong as could ever be with bio children. I think we would like to believe that all adoptions end up like this, but it just isn't the case, just as all bio families aren't happy. Like I said before, adoption adds another layer of complication to family dynamics.

[DrSally]

This is the opposite of the emphasizing differences and distancing I was describing. In healthy adoptive families, there can be a benign blindness to differences, even major ones, just exactly as you described. It's part of a "you're one of us" attitude that can be involved in the deep bonding that happens with adoptive families. It's just wonderful to see.

[DrSally]

I think it's good that you're aware of the issue. I wouldn't worry about it too much if I were you, but since you are aware, you can intervene if a relative/friend says something that could be hurtful to your child. Something as innocent as "you're such a good baseball player, you get that from your dad" to a bio child, could make an adoted child feel left out. Or family heirlooms given only to bio children or not adopted children as presents, things like that. I've read things even so subtle as bio children more likely to get a special family name (Jack Jr. ) ect., than adopted children. But, aware adoptive parents also give special family names as a way to "claim" the adopted child. It's so interesting the subtle ways this all can play out.

[newmomto3kids]

Thank you so much for responding. I think from the outside, I had an "ideal" adoption experience. I was adopted into a well-off family that could care for me and provide me with experiences most children never get. But, I do think that the fact that they adopted me because of infertility and then became pregnant the next month had an effect on my relationship with my mother. I don't think she "needed" me once she got pregnant with my sister.
Just like you posted, I was sent off to shrinks, put on medication, sent to live in a residential facility, mostly because of cries for attention coupled with her belief that they just "didn't get" me and the way I thought.
I think I am just rehashing old wounds because of our own upcoming adoption. I really appreciate your wisdom. Thank you for taking the time to share it.

[DrSally]

Cara,

I think it is entirely natural to revive old memories of ones childhood (adopted or not) with impending motherhood. I'm glad you are thinking through these issues and talking about them. When I was practicing, I specialized in seeing adopted adults. It is a narrow speciality, so people who do it are not very abundant. We did have an adoption program at the Family Institute where I did my postdoc. They had an "adoption club" for the kids to play and talk about being adopted, and just be around others who were also. The parents met with a facilitator who talked through different adoption issues. I think it is nice for kids and parents to have that support and place to talk about things. Glad I could help a little with sharing my experience.