Help with dealing with judgemental relatives

[niccig]

We have a family destination wedding in a few weeks, but now I'm not so excited as it'll be 8 days with relatives who are judgemental and passive aggressive. It's DH's immediate family, and everything I do/say/eat for myself and DS is different and weird. They're also like this about other non-family people. I realized over Christmas that I will NEVER be accepted because I wasn't born here. I know I can't change other people's behaviour, so I need some ideas on how I can cope with the negativity.

We do have our own condo, so I can escape there. With beautiful weather we'll be outside most times, so that's good. I'll hang out as much as possible with the extended family that I just adore. But I can't avoid them all the time. I need a mantra or someway of dealing with narkiness. I will stand up for myself if something is way out of line eg. foreign communities have negative influences, which I shouldn't take offence at eventhough I'm not a US-citizen. But they'll be other snarky comments like "your DS sleeps a lot" like it's a bad thing when I insist on putting him down for nap.

I know other BBBers have similar relatives, so any suggestions?

[ellies mom]

Well, I've only used this on one relative but I've used it a lot at work. It isn't always easy but it usually works and when it works well, it is very satisfying. The key is to just be happy at them. Be cheerful and chipper. If they say "your DS sleeps a lot" answer (with a smile) "yep, he sure does." Typically people like that are very unhappy and when you are all happy around them, they just can't take it and will eventually stop. But watching them be all uncomfortable with your reaction is priceless.

I worked opposite shifts with a guy that would hunt me out every morning to complain about something. For a while I really let it get to me, then one day I was in a good mood and I just wasn't going to let him ruin in it. So I just answered all his questions with a smile and laugh and dribbled the info to him really slowly (he didn't really need it other than as an excuse to snark at me) so he had to sit there and take my happiness. It was a amazing, it drove him absolutely nuts and there was nothing he could do about it. After all, you can't take someone to HR for being happy. That's when I realized how to handle him. After a few days of that, he left me alone. I've done it a few other times as well and it works great.

As far as the one relative, he was my step-grandfather. When he would really get going, I'd just walk over to him kiss him on the cheek, say "I love you, Maggie" and then leave the room. I mean how can he respond?

So, this is long but I hope it gives you some ideas.

[bisous]

Sometimes I get flack for doing things differently. I get this mostly from my Dad's relatives who didn't BF at all and thought that what I was doing was "gross". Other relatives are more laid back and think that I am super anal for not giving my DS soda and cookies (they're a little more respective now that he's diabetic, however!). It doesn't really bother me too much, though. As long as I'm happy with the choices that I'm making and I'm happy with my DS it just kinda' rolls off my back. Sometimes advice from relatives actually helps if I'm not exactly sure about a particular situation but I agree that negativity doesn't really ever accomplish anything positive.

If its super nasty, I like the PP suggestion to just be really dense and go into lots of detail. It reminds me of a situation when my parents bought the ugliest motorhome in the universe. Oh how the neighbors used to hate that thing!!!! But my parents loved it and we spend all summer touring different campout spots. Finally one of the neighbors approached her and said, "We think your motorhome is really ugly and you should sell it." My mom looks her right in the eye and says, "Oh, I just LOVE it. I think it is beautiful!!" It completely took the neighbor aback. Classic.

[egoldber]

Simple and direct responses are the key.

If someone says "Why do you do X?" I say "Because I want to."

If someone says "I think that X is wrong/gross/etc." I say "I don't."

Going into details defending yourself and/or your decision just sends the signal that X is up for debate.

[gatorsmom]

ITA with this approach. I love the PP who was so loving to her grandfather and co-worker. I can do that only if i"m in a good mood. Because unfortunately, I get upset quickly can't put on that happy face for very long.

So, I find that those short answers are very effective too, to let the yucky people know that I"m not interested in discussing stuff with them. I try really hard, though, to say it with a smile and a dismissive look or shrug.

Good luck, those type of people are the worst.
Lisa
Mom to Gator July 2003
And Cha-Cha July 2005

[janeybwild]

Love the ideas you've gotten. Deep breaths. And, when all else fails there's always the thoughtful slightly baffled look you give them as you say "now why would you ask/say that?"....and then wait out the pause as they pick up their chin and splutter backpeddling all the way...works like a charm :) Can't wait to hear how it goes! If all else fails, go kick some waves in the sea and shout obsenities into the wind to relieve stress!

[lisams]

For some things you could throw them off and turn it around as a positive thing. For example "Your son sleep a lot" you could reply short and sweetly "Isn't it great" or "I feel so furtunate to have such a great sleeper" or something like that.

Good luck and don't let them get to you!

[Jenn98]

I do the Be Really Happy Just to Annoy You thing with my younger brother. Works sooooo well, and everyone thinks you're the good guy. (I could go on and on about this, but trust me it works and it can be kinda fun :::insert devilish laugh here:::

I also like the "Why would you think that?" response, said very innocenlty of course.

My all time fav is, "I'm sorry you feel that way." End of story. No discussion. Said with a smile.

Good luck!

[niccig]

Wow, thanks for all the great ideas. I feel much better about the vacation now.

I think being happy/positive will definitely work. You can't continue to complain when you're meet with an upbeat response.

I'll have to work on keeping answers short and sweet. I blab on and on, and you're right, trying to defend my opinion just drags out the conversation. Actually, when I'm having general conversation I won't go into too much detail either - less ammunition for them to find something they disapprove of.

I love the "now why would you ask/say/think that", it totally turns the tables on them having to defend what they just said.

For the last 4 years, I've tried to fit in, but they're never going to accept me. They like their comfort zone and I'm outside of that. Eg. MIL freaked when I put tomatoes on my grilled cheese sandwich. Next time I'll reply "I just LOVE it this way, do you want to try one?" with a big grin. I don't understand the problem, it's a sandwich, it's tomato, but you would have thought I had just done the most ridiculous thing on earth.

I'll also ignore SIL's eyeroll when someone askes me about my study/work or travels to see my family - yes, I go overseas once a year, totally understandable when you have family in Australia and UK. Again, I don't understand why it's such an issue. But it's her issue not mine.

Thanks for your help.

[Jenn98]

Oh Man! I loooove tomatoes on my grilled cheese sandwiches. And on very, very special days, I also have bacon too! mmmmmmm! Yummy!

[niccig]

Ooh...I have to try bacon too...mmmmmm.
Good to know I'm not the only weird one out there when it comes to grilled sandwiches.

[elliput]

Ooooo, tomato on grilled cheese sounds delish! I will definitely have to try that sometime. :-) I grew up eating home-made mac and cheese with stewed tomatoes added so the flavor would be similar. Yum!

[dawell0]

Oh, that's ridiculous that they are worried about what you are eating. You didn't make them eat it? Oh well. It sounds like you have to resign to the fact that they are going to remain judgmental. Just remember that you are not the only one that has trouble with family. At least you have some good ideas from the ladies on here, and a place to escape to, if need be. When I get judged like that, I tend to think about them in the same way (bad I know, but it makes me feel better). I guess I always think about how I don't like how their kids act, so I really don't care if they don't approve of my actions when raising my child. Just realize that if you are secure and happy with what you do, then you shouldn't worry about what they say and that you don't need to explain yourself to people who are going to judge you for putting tomatoes on a grilled cheese sandwich!