DS laughs and says "that's funny" when I discipline him for hitting

[niccig]

DS(2yo) is hitting and pulling my hair - just started this the last 2 weeks. I tell him No, Hitting Hurts in what I think is a firm voice, and he just laughs and says it's funny. It's not. I also do 123 Magic and time him out. He's not hitting really hard, but it's not something he can get away with. DH was at home this morning and he told DS No Hitting, and DS bursts into tears and gets upset. Why does he laugh with me? He's fine with other discipline - get down, don't touch that etc, but not with the hitting/hair pulling. A friend said I may need to up the firm voice, but then I feel like I'm yelling and getting angry losing control etc. He did it again as I was reading books before nap, so I said no more books and he got upset at that. But when I put him in the crib he hit me again, so I said no song because you hit mummy and he didn't like that either.

What can I do to a) stop the hitting and b) get the stern/firm don't do that voice/behaviour.

Thanks, Nicci

[o_mom]

I hate to tell you, but you just have to wait it out and be consistent. :-(

The laughing is about the most annoying thing in the whole world. It has been known to push me over the edge more than once. I hate when that happens because in my more rational moments, I know that it is just a toddler response. First off, they are not in control of their emotions like we are - anger, fear, etc. can come out as laughter. Additionally, when you are upset, they don't like it. In their head it goes something like this "Mommy is upset, I don't like that, maybe if I laugh she will laugh"... "Oh, no, she is even more upset, I better laugh even more..." and so on.

That said, it is so, so, hard to ignore it. That urge to "get through to them" is so strong. Most 2 yos cannot show true remorse or empathy so you just have to lather, rinse, repeat with the patience of a saint and believe that someday it will sink in. I think that it is fine to say that you won't stick around to be hit (leaving with no song for example), BTW.

[Tondi G]

I am in the same boat. My little guy has decided that laughing is a good reaction when he hits or hurts me (he likes head butting me when I lay down with him to help him fall asleep at naptime). It is really frustrating. Just tell him it is not nice and that hitting hurts. We don't use our hands for hitting in a stern voice and a straight/angry face (I tried a sad face and he thought that was funny too). Then turn and walk away or if you are holding him put him down. Usually that gets through to them eventually.... they don't like being ignored. consistency is key at this age.

Good luck
~Tondi
Mommy to Mason 7/8/01 and Aidan 5/4/05

[wolverine2]

Yep, mine did the same thing, though not for too long, thankfully. The stern voice thing didn't work. Similar to what a PP said, what worked was just saying "no hitting mama, that hurts" and getting up and walking away calmly.

[brittone2]

Just agreeing w/ the PPs. Totally annoying-we've been there. BUt, at that age, it could be that you look "funny" to him when you are angry. You might be more animated. Sometimes kids just laugh inappropriately when they have big emotions. He may just not get it, but DH's voice might be loud enough to be "scary" to him in some way even if he doesn't get it, kwim? It could be all kinds of things.

It is so, so hard at the time it happens, but even if he laughs...as long as he's not hitting, you've accomplished what you were trying to do IMO. Kwim? You really can't make them "feel sorry" through time out, etc.

When DS hit at that age, I just would walk away and tell him I don't like when he hurts my body. If it is something at all predictable, try to just stop it by walking away or stopping his hand before he does it. If he's doing it when angry, offer an acceptable substitute (show him he can jump up and down, stomp his feet, etc. to get that emotional release without hitting, if those things are okay with you). If he's upset, angry, etc. you can reflect his feelings so he can learn to label the emotions he's having once he gets older ("you are feeling angry, but it isn't okay to hit. Hitting hurts. When you are angry, you can do xyz") When he's got his body back under control you can also have him practice giving you gentle touches.

totally frustrating but IMO just a stage.

[schums]

I agree with PPs that this is something that takes time to sink in with toddlers. Saying no and then walking away is a great way to make the "no" sink in. It isn't fun, but if you're consistant, this too shall pass.

In regards to the "firm voice", I have a couple of suggestions. Make sure you are at his level looking him in the eye when you say no hitting. Also, try dropping your voice an octave or two when you tell him no hitting. Don't raise your voice, just make it a lot deeper. Sometimes this works -- might be why Dh got a reaction and you didn't.

Hope this phase passes quickly!

Sarah
Mom to Alex (3/2002) and Catherine (8/2003)

[niccig]

Thanks everyone. I was feeling like a joke because DS laughs at me and not at Daddy. But you're right, the hitting is a phase and he is probably laughing at my reaction rather than hitting. I'm going to try to drop my voice lower rather than raising my voice. Someone also suggested talking softer, still firm voice, as she's seen it work with teachers who have quieter firm voice rather than yelling which for me feels like I've lost control over myself. I come from a yelling household, and I don't want that for DS. He normal hits when I'm trying to change him or get him ready for bed, he's not angry, but he doesn't want to do what I'm trying to get him to do. Today, he did it in a restaurant when I was talking to the person beside me. I told him to not hit me and then asked if he was trying to get my attention, he said he was. So I told him to use his words rather than hands. I'll use all your suggestions to get me through this phase. Thanks.

[gatorsmom]

My 20 month-old is going through the same thing. Isn't this fun? Fortunately, I just went through this with my 3.5 year old so I feel like I got a handle on what to do. Let me share some of this hard- earned experience:

The best way to stop a behavior is to follow it up consistently with a reaction they do not like. Apparently your DS got upset with "no more books" so that worked. And the no song in the crib worked too. You could try this too. When DS hits I warn him if he does it again, he'll get a time out. Then he will do it again, without fail, and I tell him he is now getting a time out. I say this matter-of-factly, in a calm, normal voice. Then I pick him up and hold him on my lap and explain that mommy said not to hit and now he is getting a time out. He squirms and screams to get down and I just calmly hold him on my lap. I've done this so many times in the past few months that now all I have to say is, "Stop hitting. Do you need a time out?" Then he says no and quits.

But you have to be consistent about it. in fact, the more times you go through this, the better it will be ingrained in their little heads. All I have to say to my 3.5 year old now is, "Do I need to turn the movie off?" and the behavior is corrected. He knows I"m not kidding. It's wonderful.

Lisa
Mom to Gator July 2003
And Cha-Cha July 2005

[gatorruth]

Yup, you have to be consistent- that's the most important thing. Also, instead of saying no, you might want to tell him to stop. Telling him to stop actually tells him what you want him to do. Telling him no is kind of vague for a 2 year old. (If you don't use no in your dealings with him, you also may avoid the no stage entirely... that is what happened here! DS is nearly 4 and hardly ever tells me no)

Also, you may need to figure out what his 'currency' is- what is VERY important to him. My DS LOVES candy. When we take away toys it rarely works, but to take away his daily treat-- well, now we're talking!!

Good luck!
Ruth