How do you handle sibling feuds?

[SASM]

I know that this is a loaded question but it has been a REALLY difficult problem in our family lately. They normally get along and play together very well, however, recently Ian (4y) has been hitting and pestering Bryn (2y) CONSTANTLY ~ morning, noon, and night. I am sure that, at times, Bryn hasn't been an angel and undeserving, but I find myself siding with her more often b/c of her personality, size, and, to be honest, the sheer memory of my brother pestering me as a child (I know...this is a no-no). She begs him to stop and he just keeps going, despite time outs and taking things away. I TRY to get them out of the house as often as I can but with the insane heat and humidity, the outdoor entertainment ends early in the day until the pool opens. And...The pool is hit or miss, depending on their behavior during the day. When it is just pregnant, slow me, it is scary to try to contain them in a very dangerous pool and I do not want to deal with the potential misbeavior. So...taking away the pool privilege doesn't even work b/c Ian forgets about it the next day.

So...Any recommendations for controlling the kids' rows that work for you??

TIA (I hope)!

[SnuggleBuggles]

I'd probably look for ways to separate them at home. Not really in a time out/ punishment way, just maybe letting one have free reign of one room while the other is elsewhere. At 4 I would imagine Ian could be trusted to play solo in the house while you are watching Bryn more carefully.

Are they both napping? If Ian isn't napping anymore maybe you could have some time together every day for playing a board game or something while Bryn sleeps. Just something mellow and together might help his mood?

I would look for a pool buddy that you could meet at the pool. That way you would have an extra set of eyes. Does the pool improve their mood at all?

Maybe schedule some playdates just to break up the day. I noticed my friends' siblings tend to play better together when they have a friend over (than how their mom says they usually do on their own).

It's not too late to sign them up for some summer camps and take a little rest for you. :) Or look into a baby sitter/ mother's helper. :) Those are my normal fall back ideas!

Hopefully this is a short lived phase!

Beth

[StantonHyde]

Try "Siblings without Rivalry". It's a little touchy feely 70's but you can skim over the "case study" part to the practical recommendations. A child psychologist recommended it to me and it is very helpful.

[thomma]

Yes...we're currently living with the Bickersons. For the most part they get along very well but dd has entered into the "let's do anything and everything to tease my brother" stage. I have the summer off and am trying to formulate a plan so I don't lose what's left of my mind. For now, I usually have them go to different rooms to read books and/or play quietly. Usually during summer breaks each kid spends a morning alone with my parents so that I can spend time alone with the other kid. Unfortunately my parents are traveling this summer and won't be home until the beginning of August. My saving grace is that they will go to daycare sporadically during the summer.

good luck
I'll be watching this thread for idea.

Kim
ds&dd- 4

[JacksMommy]

Don't have any concrete advice as this is just starting to be an issue for us, but I'll be watching this thread!

Laurel
Mama to Jack 6/02 and Maddy 12/04

Babywearing education in Napa, CA

[shilo]

i have zero advice for you since we're not there yet, but i do just want to put out a little PSA for the older sib. you remember what it was like as the younger sib getting picked on, but i remember as the older sib 'always' seeming to get blamed for things the younger sib started (and i had a great mom, really, but it was one of those things that _did_ bug me when we were younger). my sister (three years younger) even got saavy enough by 3 or so to slap herself and then go running to my mom and show her the 'red' spot. you can guess who got blamed/privilages taken away, etc. :P. so just be careful with 'siding' with bryn. sometimes it may seem like the older one should know better, be more responsible, able to put up with more from the younger one, etc. but sometimes the younger one knows good and well how to push all the buttons of the older one, and does it intentionally when you're not looking. i guess what i'm saying is (and it sounds like you're trying to do this), don't automatically side with bryn and lable ian as the instigator.

just so you know there is hope: my dad always swore my sis and i would never be friends as adults, we bickered and 'fought' so much growing up. that changed pretty much as soon as i left for college. as long as we don't live together, we're the best of friends. oh, and the little brat who slaped herself to get me in trouble??? she graduated from a top 10 law school 2 years ago and works for a small firm that has presented before the supreme court and won :).

lori
Sam 5/19/05 How lucky I am that you chose me.

[o_mom]

I have a few books on my hold list at the library. In the meantime I have been staying out of it unless someone is getting hurt. Mainly because of the baby and nursing frequently, but also I don't want to get in the cycle of having to take sides and mediate every little dispute.

[mamicka]

I've been dealing with this too, although maybe not to the extent that you have. For the most part my boys play well together, so far :).

I've read the book a PP mentioned, but it was a while ago & I don't remember it giving any tips. I'll have to pick it up again.

What *seems* to be working so far is for me to talk whichever DS is freaking out on the other through what he would like to say - instead of freaking out right away & either having a fit or pushing/grabbing/hitting. Then once he's calm, I model how each of them should be talking to each other, asking for a trade, asking for a toy, asking someone to stop x, etc. Then the other has to respond in kind & then I deal with that situation. It's *very* time-intensive but it has definitely helped.

When I'm just too darn tired to deal with it (getting more & more often these days), they are no longer allowed to play with each other until I'm convinced that they've both calmed-down. That seems to work for the short-term (although they aren't always happy about it).

Allison
Surprise #3 due 7/07