Continue playdates with this child? WWYD? 2 questions - LONG!

[miscelster]

My 3yr old DS is playing with a friend's DD "Jane" the other day. They have a jungle gym in their backyard. He was running around the yard, she was playing ball. He decides he's going to go climb up the ladder to go on the slide. He has a foot on the ladder, Jane runs over to him, pulls him off, knocking him to the ground, saying "No, MINE!" and proceeds to go up the ladder and down the slide. Jane's mom and I both see this exchange.

Jane's mom's response: "Oh, did you want to go on the slide? Well, I think "DS" wanted to go on it, too, okay?" and continued to let Jane go up and down the slide, w/o letting DS have a turn.

And that was it. No apology, no acknowledgement that Jane had knocked my DS to the ground (he wasn't crying or anything, but was stunned)
And later that playdate, similar things happened with toys.

1. what would you have done in this situation?

2. Would you continue to schedule playdates with this child? here's my reasoning for continuing: In this environment, I can see what's happening and teach my DS what he can do - and in fact, on another unplanned playdate with Jane, he was able to stand up for himself.

My MIL thinks I should never allow them to play together again. But Jane will be going to school with DS eventually, and they'll be in the same grade, so there will definitely be future interactions. I would like DS to feel confident in knowing what to do when there is no adult around to help him. On the other hand, I want to protect him, too!

What do you wise moms think?

[lisams]

That's tough. I think that if it's a constant thing, I would want to keep playdates to a minimum. I'm all for teachable moments, but I also think that even as an adult, I wouldn't want to be the one constantly being literally knocked down. For a child I'm sure it's even more frustrating.

We stopped going to playgroup for about 6 months because there was a little girl that basically followed DD around grabbing things from her. The mom did little to stop it and the final straw was when DD became a sobbing mess, she had HAD IT and was so frustrated even though I was there trying to help her through it each time (while the other mom was chatting with the moms and actually getting a chance to have a snack, grrrr). I felt terrible putting her through that repeatidly, and realized we needed to take a break. When we started up again DD was much more vocal and bigger. The other little girl sadly found another child to "pick on".

I guess I would put myself in the child's position - is he enjoying the playdates or is it more frustration than it's worth?

[Fairy]

I struggle with stuff like this, too. DS is really very well behaved and very considerate for a 2-year-old. He, certainly, has his moments where he'll take something away or declare something "mine!" or do other stuff in that ilk. Generally, however, he's the more considerate child in the play bunch, and it's the other kids taking stuff from him. When I see DS do something not so great, I always discipline and explain that it's not his turn yet or that he can't take away a toy someone else is using, etc. When I see other kids do this, and their parents not making comensurate efforts, I get really annoyed, and it's a struggle with what to do. It's actually WORSE when they're your real, true friends' kids, cuz then you're in the position of telling your friend that she needs to parent differently. Not fun.

So far, in the three or four situations where this has happened to DS that I've witnessed where the other parent doesn't address it, I just go ahead and do it myself. I'll say, "Jane, right now it's DS's turn. But ya know what, I'll bet he'll share it. DS, do you want to share the ball with Jane?" "No!" "C'mon, sit here, and roll the ball to Jane. G'head watch! Whee!" and then they're sharing, and that's that. Another time, I went to "Jane" and said, "That was DS's toy, you can't take that away until it's your turn" and got upset and stalked off before I could do any fancy footwork.

Not the very best solution, but I like it better than confrontation.

[niccig]

I do the same as Fairy. If the parent doesn't address it, I will in the same way. I do it nicely, but DS shouldn't always have a toy taken from him. I think it helps that in our regular play group, we've all agreed to step in if the parent doesn't see something like that happen. It's more of an issue at parks etc.

So maybe try the playdate again and intervene if you need to, so DS has fun too.

[Sillygirl]

I always keep in mind that toddlers will have these moments - they're really not developmentally ready to share very much. If your son wasn't crying, picked himself up and carried on, I think that's a big portion of what playdates can do - allow him to solve his own problems and personal conflicts. I always feel uncomfortable when hanging out with moms I don't know well - I feel there's this expectation that we're supposed to hover and interfere any time our kids act like, well, kids, and it goes against my general feeling fo how I'd like to parent in this situation.

Since you feel there should have been intervention, though, it sounds as though you have a mom there with a different philosophy, so maybe it's not the best match. If you know her well wnough, you could perhaps talk through your approach to these situations and see if you can come up with a solution that works for everyone. I think a lot of the time, negotiating by inference is what makes situations like this stressful.

I reread your post - the girl's behavior is a little too aggressive, and if she were my daughter I would have spoken with her about not pushing. But with a friend I know well, it's no cry, no foul. Our kids know (at least we've told them often) they need to work things out by themselves, and we're available to help if needed.

[bunnisa]

We have (had?) friends like this. Adored the parents, but could not STAND the children. The eldest (1 yr older than my oldest) always went out of his way to try to hurt my son. The mom was completely oblivious of how truly devious he was and made excuses for him. He also lied to her face on several occasions --even when the reality was obvious to everyone else-- and just accepted what he said.

So we stopped seeing them, unfortunately. It makes me sad but my children don't need to be around that (I won't subject them to injury), and I certainly don't want them *learning* anything from those kids!

There's enough unavoidable pain in life that I'm willing to prevent the avoidable stuff, kwim?

...blessed wife and mama to two & one due this summer!

"And children are always a good thing, devoutly to be wished for and fiercely to be fought for."
-Justin Torres

[hillview]

If you know the mom well or are outgoing ;) you could ask the mom how she thinks best to handle these situations. As in "wow they are at an age where sharing is really hard how do you think we can best approach this?" sort of thing.
/hillary

[hillview]

If you know the mom well or are outgoing ;) you could ask the mom how she thinks best to handle these situations. As in "wow they are at an age where sharing is really hard how do you think we can best approach this?" sort of thing.
/hillary

[Corie]

This is the exact same reason why I dropped out of playgroup. I get really
tired on this little boy beating up on my son and the mom doing absolutely
nothing. I felt like I owed it to my son to leave the group. Besides, it was
very hard for me to bite my tongue and not go crazy on this mom. It was
a stressful playgroup for both me and my son! So, we quit.

[Corie]

This is the exact same reason why I dropped out of playgroup. I get really
tired on this little boy beating up on my son and the mom doing absolutely
nothing. I felt like I owed it to my son to leave the group. Besides, it was
very hard for me to bite my tongue and not go crazy on this mom. It was
a stressful playgroup for both me and my son! So, we quit.

[gatorsmom]

I do the same as the previous 2 posters when the parent seems to have a habit of ignoring her child's behavior. But honestly, I really try to avoid those situations.

I've found more and more that I'm becoming better friends with those people who have parenting methods similar to mine. Regardless of how much I have in common with the mothers personally, I do more and more stuff with them and their children. Those mothers that parent they way you described above, I find myself avoiding more and more. Just makes life easier for everyone.

Lisa
Mom to Gator July 2003
And Cha-Cha July 2005
and surprise! twins due 11/07!

[gatorsmom]

I do the same as the previous 2 posters when the parent seems to have a habit of ignoring her child's behavior. But honestly, I really try to avoid those situations.

I've found more and more that I'm becoming better friends with those people who have parenting methods similar to mine. Regardless of how much I have in common with the mothers personally, I do more and more stuff with them and their children. Those mothers that parent they way you described above, I find myself avoiding more and more. Just makes life easier for everyone.

Lisa
Mom to Gator July 2003
And Cha-Cha July 2005
and surprise! twins due 11/07!