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View Full Version : am i teaching DS the right lessons?



shilo
08-02-2007, 06:33 PM
bear with me here... this is partly a b!tch, but a serious question too...

i had a run in with a teenage girl today in the mall parking lot. she pulled into the row i'd been waiting in for 4-5minutes and whipped into the spot i'd been waiting for for 3 of those minutes while the mom packed up. i had my blinker on, my wheels turned, etc, but because of the way the minivan pulled out i was blocked from pulling in before this teenager could. i honked lightly and gestured at the spot as she started to whip in just in case she hadn't seen me waiting, and she looked me right in the eye, smirked and pulled in anyway. then she and her other 16 or 17 year old girlfriend both looked over at me, shrugged and giggled with a little "oh well" and skipped off into the mall. i'm sure everyone's probably had a spot stollen before, but i was just so seething mad over it today.

when i finally got parked and walked in to run my errand, she and her friend were standing nearby chatting, i presume waiting for a table at CPK. i did not want to make a scene in front of DS since i'd already been talking to him in the car about manners and how rude the girl had been and how it wasn't fair to cheat and cut like that. but i felt like i had to say something. so i walked up to them, looked her right in the eye and said "you only cheated yourself of your own dignity. your mother would be ashamed of you" and walked away. she just stood there, mouth agape, blushing.

and then i spent the rest of the afternoon thinking about it. maybe this girl's mother wouldn't be ashamed of her - afterall, she must have learned the behavior some where? am i teaching my son to stand up for himself, or am i setting an equally poor example by being petty and vindictive? the truth is, i wanted to make her feel shame, wanted to embarass her in front of her friend so that she would think twice about doing it again next time. but is that really a good lesson for my son, or am showing him that i think it's ok to embarass others intentionally even if the motive is to assert himself? maybe that's exactly what this girl's mother thought she was teaching her own daughter at some point? or am i reading too much into it and this is just self absorbed, entitled teenagers being teenagers?

ack, help me sort this out. what do you all think - and it's ok if you think i was way out of line doing this in front of DS and tell me so.

lori
Sam 5/19/05 How lucky I am that you chose me.

megs4413
08-02-2007, 07:01 PM
i would say "yes" and "no".

it's right to teach him that what the girl did was wrong. But, I don't think I would want to teach my kid that retaliation is necessary. If my child hadn't been there to witness it, I certainly wouldn't shy away from saying something similar to what you said, but I don't think I'd want to teach my DC to go up to someone that has done something like that (which happens a LOT) and try and make them feel bad. I guess I wouldn't want to teach the lesson that if someone makes you feel bad, you should make them feel bad. I guess there is some value, IMO, to the whole "turn the other cheek" thing. sometimes we have to take the high road, even though it isn't fair and it isn't satisfying. But we our good people not because it gets us ahead, but because it's good. the right thing to do is always the right thing to do.

did that make any sense?

SnuggleBuggles
08-02-2007, 07:12 PM
Hmm...I think the lesson would have best been left ended after you told ds why what the girls did was wrong and rude.

Beth

kristine_elen
08-02-2007, 07:12 PM
Well, I would have been pissed and probably less dignified than you. However, I am reminded of a story in my son's book "Zen Shorts."

Basically, a woman can't get out of her carriage b/c it is parked in a puddle. Two monks see her and the older one runs over and carries her to dry land. She doesn't thank him and just pushes him out of her way and walks off. The two monks continue on their way and after several hours the younger monk finally asks the other monk why he was so kind to that rude woman and isn't he upset at her behavior? The older monk replies, "I put that woman down hours ago. Why are you still carrying her?"

I try to think of this story, simplistic as it is, when I get upset by things like this. I try to let them roll off me. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

KBecks
08-02-2007, 07:59 PM
I have no problem with you saying something to the girl in front of your DS, as long as you were civil and cool headed about it. Obviously if you were cursing or otherwise abusive, that would send the wrong message. I really like direct messages, "It was wrong of you to steal the parking spot I was waiting for." You may have been over dramatic in the word choice, which the girls might have picked apart in an analysis -- but good for you for saying something if you were very annoyed by it. I think it's healthy to speak your mind as long as you are civil.

ETA: I also think that shrugging off the little things is also useful, but sometimes if you feel strongly, and an opportunity presents itself to communicate your dissatisfaction, it's not wrong to say something.

Another perspective is... if your son were the driver, how would you want him to be addressed by the offended party? Would you want him or yourself to be on the receiving end of what you said?

maestramommy
08-02-2007, 08:41 PM
Well, okay, so maybe you were feeling vindictive, and wanted to embarrass her in front of her friend. I'm sure it wasn't the first nor will it be the last time she is embarrassed in front of her friend. I do think your language was quite restrained, all things considered. You could've read her the riot act, but you didn't. I don't know if I'd have the guts to do what you did, but I think it was an interesting lesson for your DS: you can let people know it's not right to cheat them, and you can show them how you feel. Without violence (acts or language).

Corie
08-02-2007, 09:48 PM
I don't know if I would have had the guts to say anything to the girl and if I did,
I'm sure it would not have been as nice.

I don't think this shows your son that you are being petty and vindictive.

I think it shows your son that you won't stand idly by watching someone
do something wrong. And as long as you handle the situation in a civil
manner, I think it's a great lesson for kids to see a parent stand up to the
wrong-doer.