Maternity Clothes & Sticky Friendship Situation - WWYD?

[aa2mama]

My newly pregnant sister visited from out of town this weekend. While she was here, she and I went to lunch with one of my good mommy friends. I have been friends with her for about a year, and we usually get together once or twice a week. Last night she leaves me a voicemail asking if my sister wants to go through her maternity clothes and take what she's interested in (My friend recently had #3 and is done having kids). This bin of maternity clothes has been sitting in her living room for a month, so I assumed that she was planning to donate them to Goodwill. I figured she would be glad to gift them to my sister for free.

My sister looked through the clothes. They weren't really her style, but my friend talked her into taking several things. She ended up with two grocery bags of clothes and politely asked my friend if she could pay for them. My friend says, "Yes, please", so my sister asks what she had in mind. She says $20...well, you took most of them and the nicest things so maybe $30. My sister, not wanting to be cheap, greedy, or rude wrote her a check for $30.

WTH, I was totally shocked since these were not particularly stylish or nice clothes. They have weathered three pregnancies and were about Motherhood Maternity-quality to begin with. Some she bought at a thrift store in the first place or were hand-me-downs to begin with. I think the local consignment store wouldn't have taken more than half of them and would have charged 99 cents to $5 an item.

What do you think of this situation? I guess I was rather set back that she wanted money at all and then peeved because I think she asked more than a fair price. Yes, the friendship is worth $30, so I might just send my sister a check and call it done. But DH thinks this situation is going to eat at me. Should I say anything?

[cdlamis]

I would have been angry too (and it seems like those things happen to me a lot and then eat me up too!). She should have been very clear about wanting to "sell" the items and not give them away.

If she assumed that your sister was going to buy them, she (your friend) should have been VERY clear about the prices once your sister started looking through them. You don't tell someone the price after they already agreed to buy.

Sorry you were duped and that you now have to dwell over this! Its probably too late to say anything- in my opinion (even though I am sure you want to).

Congrats on your new niece or nephew to be!

Daniella
Mom to Julia 6/02
and Bella 12/04
"http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_sapphire_24m.gif"

[megs4413]

TACKY!!!

i would write my sis the check and apologize for the friend....that sucks.

[hillview]

Ditto. Send sis a check and call it done.
/hillary

[MommyAllison]

I would have been appalled too. :( I'm sorry for your sister!

Allison
Mama to DD 11/05

[mamababa]

On the one hand, I can see why you are annoyed. You assumed (as I would have) that your friend was planning to give the clothes away, and it's embarassing that your friend charged your sister for clothes your sister didn't really want. On the other hand, your sister DID ask if she could pay for them. I suppose that was polite of her, but on the other hand, her asking made it seem like she was willing to pay money for the clothes. If you bring it up, there is a good chance your friend will be mystified that you are annoyed. From her perspective, your sister offered money, and agreed to pay the higher price. And then your sister was again too polite to say well, at that price, I don't really need them.

Sigh! These things are very sitcky. I guess I wouldn't say anything unless it really is eating you up and you don't feel the same about your friend.

I don't personally see why you should give your sister money, but if it makes you feel better or if she annoyed with you about the whole sitch, then it's probably worth just giving her the $$ and moving on.

[Corie]

This situation would keep eating at me and keep eating at me probably
until I said something. (unfortunately!)

I just cannot let things go. Probably my worst trait.

Is there any way that you could give the clothes back to your friend
and just say the clothes didn't fit your sister? Or maybe you could say that after
your sister tried the clothes on, she found the clothes not to be her taste?

Just a suggestion.

If not, then I would send a check to my sis.

[lizajane]

would she like my clothes for free?

lol. i just got mine back from my neighbor and now i am thinking, "oh, poo... something else to sort and donate or sell or store or whatever..."

i think sis should return anything she doesn't really want because it didn't "work" on her and ask for some money back OR if he can really use all the stuff, then she should keep it and wear it and sell it all when she is done with it (or donate if totally un-sell-able.)

[denna]

Wow. That is pretty crappy of your friend. I would be upset too, and knowing my big mouth I would eventually say something. I would write my sister a check or knowing my sis she wouldnt take the check so Id probably get her a gift card so she could get some new maternity clothes somewhere nice and apologize for my friend.

It is a sticky situation and if you want to keep the friend, then I think just sending your sis an apology would be best.

[KBecks]

Think about what you want as an outcome. Do you want an apology from your friend? Do you want your friend to give some of the money back or take the clothes back and refund the money? Do you just want to vent your feelings?

I tend to think that the time to call off the deal is right in the moment. Is your sister very unhappy with the transaction? If so, I think she should return the clothes to you and then you should return the clothes to your friend and ask for the money back.

Otherwise, I think it's time to learn to avoid situations like this in the future (especially with this person) and move on.


I think it's fine to talk about it with your friend though. You can say something like, "You know, when we talked about the maternity clothes, I thought you were offering them for free and not selling them. It was uncomfortable for me to find out when I was there with my sister that you were selling them. If my sister and I had known the things were for sale and not a gift, she wouldn't have taken them. (and then add if you want to do a refund) It was awkward and I feel bad for my sister because I think the things she took are really not what she wants. Would you be wiling to take the items back?"

It also depends on whether $30 is a big deal to you or sis, and really how sis feels about what she got for the money and if it was the right amount or if she felt taken advantage of.

I once bought a train table from a very good friend who wanted to make space and it was a little awkward. So I learned in the future that I would only purchase something from a friend that I truly wanted and needed and not be shy about refusing other items.

Good luck!

[gatorsmom]

I would tell your sister to send it back if she really doesn't want it with the excuse that "Oh my gosh- none of it fits me! I"m too big already!" And since she didn't wear it could she get her money back.

That's what I would do. Oh, and I'd probably pay the shipping for your sister. Unless, of course, shipping costs more than $30.

Lisa
Mom to Gator July 2003
And Cha-Cha July 2005
and surprise! twins due 11/07!

[Fairy]

I agree with Gator. A great way to get out of this is to come up with a polite excuse, like that it doesn't fit, and can I send them back to you, I'll pay shipping, and you send me the $30 back?

That said, I do not think it's out of line to ask for $$ for the clothes. Two shopping bags full for $30 sounds like a steal to me. What I don't care for is when things aren't above board from the get go. The assumption was that this was a giveaway, not a purchase. If she wanted money, she should have said, would your sister like to see if she wants to buy any of my clothes, not "go through my clothes." That's where this, in my opinion, went wrong.

This is one of the reasons why I don't share my baby things. Once I have them, they're mine, you can't have them back, and I'm not selling them or giving them away. Period. Money and friends don't mix well in some situations, and this sounds like one of them. I hope things work out for you.

-- Fairy

[spunkybaby]

Ugh. I had a similar situation. A friend (not a very close friend, more of an acquaintance) was moving out of state and told me she had a bunch of maternity clothes to get rid of. I wasn't pregnant at the time but thought that maybe I would be at some point again, so she suggested that I come by her house to see if there was anything I'd like. I thought she was giving everything away, but after I'd tried on a bunch of stuff, I also asked (politely) if I could pay her, and she said, "yes, please" and named a price of $40-50. I was a little surprised but gave her all the cash I had on me (about $45) and just decided not to worry about it. I was able to lend the clothes to a bunch of friends (one of them actually gave some of the clothes to another friend and donated the rest, not realizing I wanted them back!) and used some for pregnancy #2.

If anything, I've learned that you have to be really, really clear when dealing with these situations, because otherwise everyone has her own assumptions about what's going on.

My sympathies! I think the worst part for your sister is that she chose items that she didn't really want and then had to pay for them. At least in my situation, I only picked out the stuff I wanted (and then my friend threw in a bunch of extra t-shirts/shorts).

Mom to a spunky preschooler (3/04) and a new spunky Christmas baby (12/06)

[DrSally]

That's weird. It sounded like she was giving them away. And I understand how it would feel uncomfortable for the receiver to ask if she is giving or selling. This is a lesson for me in the future to make sure it's clear from the beginning if I get into a situation like this. I'd do as the others have suggested and write sis a check and apologize for your friend and be done with it. I guess the best time to have corrected it was when they were talking about price. When your friend suggested $30 instead of $20 b/c she took the "nice stuff", your sis could've said something about not really needing the items anyway and abandon the "transaction".

[Lovingliv]

I'm disgusted.

I would probably call her and tell her none of the items fit and I would like the $30 back.

Then, I would probably never talk to her again. But, I too, have a hard time letting things go. People are so tacky!!!!

Big hugs.

[aa2mama]

Thank you for all of your input on the situation. I didn't know if I was just being presumptuous that my friend would give away the clothes. Some of the items in bag had hems that had unraveled, elastic that needed replacing, etc, so I do think that $30 was a generous sum for the lot. (And yes, my friend was aware that these items needed mending).

Upon your suggestions, I called up my sister and asked her if there were any items that she would like to keep. She tried the outfits on and said that two shirts worked. I think I'm going to call my friend up tomorrow and play up the "she's disappointed but they don't fit" angle. Crossing my fingers that it will go smoothly...

[eliasmom]

First, that sucks all the more if the stuff wasn't even in great shape.

I must have taken my evil medicine tonight, but.... if your plan doesn't work out, maybe you could invite the friend over to your house to "go through" some stuff and then quote her a price for the difference?!