Need advice re: wake protocol

[Marisa6826]

My elderly neighbour died this morning. Thankfully, she died at home in her sleep. I never really knew her, but am casually friendly with her two daughters, who are probably in their late 40s-early 50s. I've known the daughters for about two years, stopping to talk to them when out on walks, etc.

Their Mom suffered from Alzheimer's/dementia and rapidly declined after her husband's death about two years ago.

I would like to pay my respects to the family, but really don't know any of them well. I gave one of the daughters my phone number this morning, offering to do anything I could for them at all. It had only just happened when I walked over after seeing the ambulance and police there, so obviously no plans had been made.

I asked if they would have funeral information in the paper and they said yes. I don't think that I belong at the funeral, but think I would like to go to the wake (they're Irish Catholic).

Is it appropriate for me to go? I've honestly only ever been to three wakes in my life. One for my Father (I was 10), one for my Grandmother (I was in my 20s) and one for a very close family friend (also when I was in my 20s).

Any advice would be appreciated.

TIA

-m

(Oh, and in case it wasn't obvious, I would be going alone - no DH or DC)

[overcome]

Yes, it would be perfectly fine for you to go. The funeral director/worker will greet you and you could sign in the book so the family has a record that you were there. They make ask you if you are going to attend the funeral...it is perfectly acceptable to say no.

You will go through a sort of recieving line w/the family. Of course the daughters will recognize you but you may have to intro yourself to other family members who are in the line (if any). You simply shake hands and sympathize with them. A "I'm so sorry" is fine.

Sometimes the line of family is before the casket, sometimes after. Either way, you can just pause at the casket and say a little prayer to yourself.

Then you can leave. You don't have to stay.

You would be surprised at how families of the deceased notice who attends the wake. I am sure they would appreciate your presence.

It was so kind of you to give them your number with an offer to help.

Let us know what you decide to do....

[hillview]

Yes totally appropriate.
/hillary

[elephantmeg]

very much so and a nice gesture.

[cvanbrunt]

It's absolutely appropriate and it will mean a lot to her daughters.

When my mom died last year we had just moved into our neighborhood. One of the neighbors offered to put up any family members that were coming into town. We didn't take them up on the offer but that fact that it was made was so touching. If you could offer something specific, maybe an airport run, that would be very helpful for her girls.

-Carrie

[octmom]

Very appropriate. I remember noticing all the neighbors who attended wakes for both of my grandparents. I thought it was very kind of them to come pay their respects. The casket may be open. That's often the case for Irish Catholic wakes, in my experience as an Irish Catholic. If you aren't confortable going up to the coffin, don't feel that you need to do so. No one will notice if you don't. They will just notice that you came to the wake.

Jerilyn
DS, 10/03
DD, 3/06

[LD92599]

Yes, go to the viewing. Unfortunately I've had quite a few viewings to attend in the last few months! I don't do well (who does?) at viewings so i usually walk in, sign in, pay my respects and leave. But that's just me!

Laura
Mom to Will

http://b4.lilypie.com/BhyBm5.png

[Marisa6826]

Short of going out and buying something, can I get away with wearing a long sleeveless dark coloured dress? I have one in a dark brown and one in a dark navy (they're actually what I wore for my BIL's rehearsal dinner and wedding). They're not strappy (God forbid with these arms!), just very simple and sleeveless Eileen Fisher dresses.

As I said, I'm not planning on going to the Church/memorial service, just the wake.

TIA

-m

[caheinz]

It sounds fine to me.

Honestly, as long as you're not wearing anything garish (rainbow or neon hues come to mind), it will be fine. Keep in mind that many people will attend a wake after work, and will be wearing whatever they wore at work.

And I agree -- neighbors are definitely welcome at such an event. The family will appreciate that you took the time to come, perhaps especially so since the daughters will know that you have DC and did not bring them along.