Not sure what to do about this

[Marisa6826]

Well, as we anticipated, Jonathan's cousin died this afternoon. We really didn't think that she would hang on as long as she did, and were repeatedly told by MIL/FIL that the funeral would either be tomorrow (Thursday) or Sunday. Of *course*, it's now scheduled for Friday at 1pm.

I'm not able to find a sitter. I've made at least six different phone calls and nobody's available. I even called my Brother's girlfriend who works in NYC (my Brother and GF are based out of Florida but she's up here on a boat) to see if she has any friends that might be willing to help me out. My last ditch chance is to see if a friend's nanny can help, but she wasn't home when I called. I left a message, but I'm not holding out much hope.

The only other alternative is to send Jonathan alone. Is that in poor taste? I *really* don't think it's appropriate to take the girls to this funeral. His cousin was 83, it's going to be in a chapel, followed by the burial at a cemetery, and a luncheon after that. It's basically a five hour ordeal, located about an hour from home.

Any insight?

TIA

-m


Oh, and to complicate matters even more, Jonathan not so gently reminded me that today is the five year anniversary of our son's death (Sophie's twin). I have been so freaking wrapped up in all this nonsense, that I didn't even remember. WTF does THAT say about me. *sigh*

[punkrockmama]

Marisa, hugs sister. Yeah, I really don't see any other way but to send him alone. If you can't find anyone, then you just can't find anyone. And it sounds like you've been scrambling.

It's NOT in poor taste. I say it's absolutely NOT. Much better to keep the girls home, then to have them melt down during a long service or something.

I'm very sorry about your son. All it says about you is that you're totally stressed out and your brain is doing what it has to so you can maintain.

If I was anywhere near you I'd babysit for ya. Seriously. :)

[elaineandmichaelsmommy]

I agree with sheila. If you can't find anyone, then you just can't find anyone. I'm sure his cousin would have understood. But I'm of the opinion that funerals are no place for children.

[kozachka]

I am sorry about your and your DH's loss. I agree with you that this does not sound like the right affair to take yout two young children to. So if you can not find a sitter, than you don't go. You've given it you best shot.

[KBecks]

Could you opt to send Jonathan to the funeral and burial and meet up with the family and bring the girls to the luncheon? They may be a good mood-lifter at that time. It may depend on how close the family is.

I'm sorry for your loss. Hugs.

[nicoleandjackson]

That's what we did this weekend and it worked out well. My BIL's father passed away and the wake was Sunday, funeral on Monday (the first day of school in my hometown, so all of the potential babysitters were in school). So DH and I went to the wake in shifts with my parents, then on Monday DH stayed behind with DS so I could go to the funeral mass. We all came to the memorial luncheon together and it was very helpful. My sister and BIL were delighted to see DS and get some cuddle time after a long ordeal.

Good luck to you and your decision. Sending you peace during this time.

Nicole, Mommy to Jackson 4/30/02

[Moneypenny]

I'm very sorry this is a sad anniversary for you!

I think it's perfectly fine to send Jonathan alone. If you really feel uncomfortable with that, I would echo PPs suggestions to attend just part of it with the girls. When my grandfather died earlier this year, DD attended the visitation, then stayed in the church nursery with DH during the actual funeral and the trip to the cemetary for burial. They both joined us for the luncheon. It worked pretty well and everyone seemed really pleased that she was there.

Susan
mama to my 3-year old cutie pie

[JustMe]

I am so sorry about your losses. You are clearly a sensitive person who wants to do right by dh's cousin.

I do not think it would be in poor taste to send dh alone. You have tried to be there, but really there is no option available to you if you don't have a sitter for the kids. I think if you had not tried to find someone that would be a different story. If there was a shiva, that would be something that it would be very appropiate to bring the kids to, but I think you said there was no shiva. I like the idea of doing something with the girls, Jonathan, and if there are any other family that would like to be there, after the funeral.

Robyn

[Marisa6826]

I thought about taking the girls to the luncheon, but given that it will probably be around 4pm, and in Queens it's just not realistic.

For those of you not familiar with the geography of NYC, I have to get through the Lincoln Tunnel, drive cross town, go through the midtown tunnel and then along the Long Island Expressway/Brooklyn Queens Expressway to Bay Ridge. NOT an easy feat on a good day, and certainly not for the faint of heart on a Friday - and damn near impossible to do with any sense of grace and calm on the Friday of Labour Day Weekend. ;)

-m

[Jen841]

Sorry to hear of your losses.

We took the 2 (almost 2 and 4 yrs) to a funeral and a wedding in the last month. Both were worked out well. DH took the boys out when they got antsy, and their little boy actions entertained people. It is amazing the entertainment that a pack of 20 washable markers and paper can provide. You, and the non-blood relative, would need to be ready to jump when needed. DH was great! I did not want to attend either alone, and it was fun to have the gang all there. My family is an excellent support group.

I should have stated earlier, the kids were asked/encouraged to come to the funeral (I think the family would have disowned me!) I was going to explore options. Family insisted that young blood was needed to lift spirits, and lower the average age of the events. The bride insisted the boys come to the wedding. As a general practice I normally leave them behind, but 6 hours is too far behind with just a sitter and family was not available.

Bottomline, if they are welcome, it can be done.