Parents of first graders and teachers...need some thoughts

[egoldber]

Sarah started first grade this week. She has been VERY excited and VERY eager to start. There have been a lot of transitions. This is a new school. Last year she went to a private, half day K and this is our large public school 1st grade. Sarah is young for her grade, she turned 6 in August and the school cutoff date is September 30. In our district it is very, very common for people to hold back their late birthday children.

There were a number of bumps in the road this week related to our bus (our driver quit and the bus has either not shown up or been late every day). Also, Sarah had a bad experience in the cafeteria one day which reduced her to tears.

But despite all this, Sarah tells me that she loves the school, loves her class and loves the teacher. However, her teacher called me Thursday afternoon and shared that she was concerned about Sarah. In not so many words, she told me that while Sarah was academically ready for first grade, emotionally she thought that Sarah would benefit from another year of K. Her main concern was that Sarah is very emotional and anxious.

I was kind of devastated initially, but I've gotten over it. Right now we are planning to meet with the teacher and the principal next week to discuss Sarah's situation. If I thought that another year of K would "fix" this issue, I would have no qualms. But I am not convinced that another year of K is the answer.

Sarah has ALWAYS been a highly sensitive and emotional child. Things that other children brush off often reduce Sarah to tears. I don't think that another year is going to change that. Also, Sarah is ahead in reading. I am afraid that she will be bored in K and when she gets bored, she often finds things to do to occupy her time that is not always classroom appropriate.

I am also a little concerned because the teacher is young...this is only her second year of teaching and she may not have encountered a child like Sarah yet. Also, Sarah, unlike many children, is hyper aware of her age, her grade, who is in what grade, etc. The teacher seems to feel that Sarah would barely notice moving into K and I just don't think that will be the case. I think she would be very aware and possibly devastated.

Anyway, sorry this got so long. I guess I am looking for feedback of parents of other first graders (and beyond). And also from teachers. I am curious what others think they might do and why.

[trumansmom]

Well, not a mom of a first grader, but a full time kindergartner, so maybe you could give me a pass? :P

Truman has had a completely different type of anxiety issues than it sounds like Sarah has, but regardless, we had some serious concerns about his social abilities. We have had him visiting with a therapist for the past several months. The change has been dramatic. She was able to work with him to get past his anxiousness, and kindergarten is going swimmingly. We had the option of junior kindergarten, which is half day, followed by full day kindergarten the next year, but because of the academics felt very, very uncomfortable holding him back. He *needs* the challenge of the extra academics.

Have you considered meeting with a child therapist? S/he would quickly be able to tell you if s/he thought counselling would be an appropriate option. I swear for us it's been like having a new (and improved!) kid.


Good luck. :)

Jeanne
Mom to Truman 11/01 and Eleanor 4/04

[egoldber]

I'm so glad to hear you say that. I have been reading about anxiety and I really think that Sarah would benefit from help from a professional. She gets very emotional and worked up in ways that are very out of proportion to the situation. I'm glad to hear that therapy has helped with Truman.

[schums]

I don't have a first grader yet (next year), but I think MY mom could have written your post about me. I was (and still am) a sensitive/emotional person -- things that don't bother others can still reduce me to tears or hair pulling frustration. I have a late September birthday too, so I was always one of the youngest in my class. And I'm a Type A, highly driven to succeed.

That said, when I was in K, the school asked my mom to skip me to first grade, not hold me back because of perceived social issues. Thankfully, my mom said no. I was a very emotional/teary kid, and at times it was impossible to control. But that was who I was, and another year of K wouldn't have changed anything, other than bored me to tears. Eventually (like late elementary school), it got easier to control my emotions/tears and I developed a thicker skin (although still thin by most standards).

The little I remember about 1st grade is that it was a difficult transition year for me. I was WAY ahead academically, but really struggled with some of the expectations, like completing work in a given period of time, even if it isn't perfect (lots of tears over that one). I guess the hard part wasn't meeting the school's expectations, but getting beyond my own. I wanted everything to be "perfect" before I was finished, and that wasn't possible given how schools work.

This is getting really long, but the short of it is that I know an extra year of K would NOT have helped me. I wouldn't have learned to adjust my personal expectations in the second year of K. So I still would have had a dificult transition year when I got to 1st.

I'd start by talking to Sarah and seeing what she feels. Does she feel anxious or overly emotional? You know your daughter best -- if her emotional state is what it usually is, she's probably fine. I would definitely meet with the teacher/principal, and also try to observe the class for a while without Sarah knowing you are there. That might give you a better perspective on what the teacher is seeing.

GL,
Sarah
Mom to Alex (3/2002) and Catherine (8/2003)

[Smiles81]

Hi Beth,
I don't have a child that age yet either, but like the previous poster says, the way you've described Sarah, is exactly the type of child I was. I was overly sensitive and emotional. I was also a late Birthday (November - though schools were much less strict with cutoffs then) and no teacher ever told my parents to hold me back. Like your daughter, I was very strong academically, so while I did have some problems with the kids and bullying I really did fine. In fifth grade, it actually got worse again, and then my parent's switched me to an all girls school, where I did great.

Take care,

Reena
Mom to Dovi and Huvi

[kransden]

As a substitute teacher, you can really get a snapshot of the class dynamics. You can really see the pecking order. I find it fasinating, but I digress. The teacher probably sees that Sarah isn't like the other children (extra sensitive etc.), but doesn't know what to do about it. She just is chalking it up to immaturity. That is easy to do. If Sarah goes back to kinder, it isn't her problem anymore, but that doesn't help Sarah. ITA with you that another year isn't going to fix the problem. Sarah is who she is. Meeting with a therapist for her to help her learn how to cope with situations that make her sad is probably the best idea like pp said. Sarah sounds like a bright child, and having someone give her pointers or role playing on how to cope with Johnny upsetting her might really benefit her.

Plus, my child was a #$%@# spawn for the first two weeks of school. She hates change. They should at least be giving your dd a month to settle in.

You also might consider asking the principal to change your dd to a veteran teacher's classroom. Maybe someone with more structure?? Work on the phrasing so it doesn't make the new teacher sound bad, just not a good fit for dd.

Good Luck!

Karin and Katie 10/24/02

[almostamom]

I only have a second, but in my professional opinion (elementary teacher), one week is not enough time to come to this conclusion. First, Sarah has had many adjustments to make in the week - a new school, teacher, bus, friends, environment, rules, routines, etc. Has Sarah shared with you any events or circumstances that are causing her anxiety? Did the teacher give you specific situations where Sarah was emotional or anxious? I agree that another year of K most likely is not the solution, but in order to find the solution, I think you need to find what is causing the anxiety. Whatever it is, she doesn't seem to be carrying it home with her if she's conveying to you that she loves it.

HTH,
Linda

[egoldber]

Getting information from Sarah is challenging. She will go on and on about the intricacies of recess, but when asked a direct question can be evasive. She is also exhausted when she comes home and does not really feel like chatting.

The teacher specifically mentioned that Sarah has a lot of difficulty with transitions. She also mentioned that they had their first writing assignment on Thursday and Sarah was afraid and started crying.

I asked Sarah about the writing and mentioned her teacher said she didn't want to do it. Sarah told me she was afraid to do it because she was afraid of doing it wrong. Outside the classroom there is a big display of writing samples from all the students and Sarah's seemed on a par with the rest of the class, so I don't think she is behind in writing, she just has some performance anxiety about it. Sarah asked us to help her practice and we are doing that.

[jd11365]

I'm an elementary school teacher, too. I agree that one week is not enough time to make such an assessment. Before you try and make any decisions now, I first ask to observe for part of a day to see first hand what she may be talking about. Then, I'd request a conference with both the teacher and administration. Admin may not even allow for such a move or even agree, so the teacher may even be ahead of herself.
Please keep us posted as I'll be thinking of you both.

[jd11365]

I'm an elementary school teacher, too. I agree that one week is not enough time to make such an assessment. Before you try and make any decisions now, I first ask to observe for part of a day to see first hand what she may be talking about. Then, I'd request a conference with both the teacher and administration. Admin may not even allow for such a move or even agree, so the teacher may even be ahead of herself.
Please keep us posted as I'll be thinking of you both.

[egoldber]

You know, I specifically requested an experienced teacher with structure for Sarah because I thought it would help make her transition easier. Maybe I will reiterate that again. I know there was a fair amount of staff turnover this year. There is one other brand new first grade teacher and two more who I think are more experienced.

[Globetrotter]

My dd had a tough time the first few weeks of first grade as she is also an emotional and sensitive child. In fact, I wrote this frantic post to get advice about it! http://www.windsorpeak.com/dc/dcboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=37&topic_id=241683&mesg_id=241683&listing_type=search

After the initial problems, everything went fine. It would have been absurd to hold her back for this reason alone, and I get that feeling with Sarah also.

She also cried in second grade because she didn't like the computer lab teacher, but I hope (think) that she has grown out of this now.

I hope you can work it out - I can see why this is a concern for you!

[lizajane]

chiming in as a parent of a highly sensitive child, but not of a first grader or even kindergardener. schuyler cried EVERY DAY of day camp last summer, but rushes right into preschool, where he has gone for 3 years. he started at 17 months old. even into the new classroom with the new teacher this year. he was thrilled to be there and the teacher reports he is having a great time.

i am very worried about next year, as i expect him to be academically ready, socially ready, and certain SIZE ready! but i also expect him to be terrified of the change. i bet he will have really hard time for a week or maybe even a month, and then he will rush right in just like he does now.

i do NOT think you should hold her back because she is sensitive. really, IMHO, i think this teacher is feeling awkard about a situation she can't handle. she doesn't know how to calm an anxious child and help her get acclimated to a new situation. so she (teacher) thinks sarah can't handle it- when in reality, i think the teacher is the one who can't handle the new situation of having a sensitive child.

did that make sense? pardon the bizarre sentence strucure, it is late. :)

[nfowife]

Haven't read all the responses (it's past my bedtime!) but had to respond as a former first grade teacher. I'm so surprised she would be wanting to do something as major as move Sarah down a grade within the first few days of school. I might ask for a classroom switch to see if that is a better fit if you feel it is more appropriate. But I think it's kind of (okay WAY TOO) early in the year (week!?) to be already recommending that sort of thing unless there is a major major problem. Which you don't have with Sarah.

[lisams]

My first two years teaching were first grade, and I agree that perhaps the teacher just doesn't have enough experience under her belt to have a good grasp of what is within the range of "typical". I honestly know I didn't.

Sarah is going through a lot of new transitions. First grade is nothing like K, she's at a new school, she's going full day, etc. The first few weeks are always rough. I remember when I was teaching, you didn't really get to know the children in the class until about 3-4 weeks into the school year. That's when they start getting comfortable with the routine and things start settling down. We always joked in the teacher's lounge when the "honeymoon" was over!

IMO putting Sarah in K again is probably not going to help her, and I'm afraid could make things worse. There are so many other interventions that you and the teacher could brainstorm and try before making such a drastic move.

I have had many first graders who have melted down in different situations. I will never forget when I had a little one who was sobbing at her seat. I tried to get her to talk, but she was just so upset. Finally I realized that she had lost her lunch money and she thought she would have to go the whole day without eating. I went and got her a lunch ticket and explained that we would never let her go without lunch. She hugged me like you wouldn't believe, the look of total relief in her eyes. Later I explained to the entire class that they would always get a lunch even if they forgot their money or box at home. These are young children, we need to remember that these are all new experiences for them. It's scary and overwhelming, especially for children who are already sensitive.

Just keep in mind that you know your child better than anyone else. I hope that you and the teacher are able to come up with some ideas to help Sarah as she adjusts to the new school year.

[michellep]

Have you seen the book Dealing with Disappointment by Elizabeth Crary? It offers some wonderful coping skills to teach children as well as encourages the parent to act as a coach, maybe offering 2 ways the child can choose to calm themselves during a meltdown.

My thought is that your daughter will adjust with time, but that it's the teacher who needs some tools to help her respond. My oldest daughter seems similar in temperament to yours, and when she started K we shared a couple of the coping skills we'd worked on over the summer with her teacher. We're also in a small private K so plan on teaching more skills as the year goes on. Her favorite method of coping with a tough situation right now is to get her stuffed toy out of her cubby and focus on it until she's calm--probably not appropriate for 1st grade! so we need more.

So while we're not quite there yet, what I think I'd do is work on a couple quick specific skills with your daughter (not during a meltdown but as play acting while she's calm). Offer them to the teacher so that she feels comfortable in the coach role. I think that because of her inexperience the teacher needs both assurance from you that you're working on the anxiousness and a clearly explained plan she can use during the day. Saying something like "These are the 3 skills my daughter knows for calming herself. She will immediately recognize them but might need you to suggest them to her if she's getting upset."

That's what we're planning for next year anyway....! The book is pretty heavily summarized on that gentle mothers site I've seen recommended here (I forget the exact address) if you want to take a look.

Good luck!

-M

[saschalicks]

Beth,
I'm sitting here teary eyed. I'm emotional this week, so you see I understand what Sarah's going through. ;) My baby is in preschool now and I'm not dealing well w/the transition and I'm 31.

OK so I don't have a 1st grader, but I have a brother who is 8 years younger then me. He had a very very hard time w/the transition to 1st grade. He also went to an all new school and it was all day very orthodox private Jewish school. Anyway, my mom recognized right away that his anxiety was a problem and put him into therapy. To this day she says she doesn't know what she would've done if she hadn't done therapy. I remember how bad he was. His anxiety was different then Sarah's that it was separation anxiety, but it was REALLY bad. My heart breaks so much for Sarah.

My brother is a highly gifted person and even then was asked to skip a grade due to his academic abilities, but my mother refused for the above reasons. I think Sarah is so highly intelligent that in some ways she is hyper aware of her surroundings where most children are not. I think she could use some extra help w/learning how to deal w/the anxieties her awareness produces. I think she would really benefit from therapy. I fear putting her back into K is going to do the opposite of what the teacher hopes. B/c she is so intelligent and so aware she will definitely know she's back in K and I'm afraid for her self esteem.

I agree w/PP's who said that a class change to a more experienced teacher would also help.

I could be off base, but hugs to you, really it has to be so hard. I just remember how my brother was and I look back at how painful it must've been for my mom.

[saschalicks]

sorry double post

[katydid1971]

I taught first grade for many years and now I wish I could have sent away any child who was having trouble adjusting, snap snap, and only keep the kids who were easy to deal with. I think you have an inexperienced teacher here. As a teacher I always told the parents that they know their child best (hey this woman has known her what 3 days?!?!?) and they should do what they think is best for their child. You mentioned that Sarah just moved from another school, now she has to make new friends, remember where the bathrooms are, learn new rules, etc. This is hard enough on the most easy going child, and like you said Sarah is a little high strung. I personally wouldn't move her back yet. I would ask that she be paired up with a sweet, easy going, not to aggressive girl. There is always two or three like that in every class. You might want to see if you can get her moved to a more experienced teacher. Remember the more annoying you are the more likely you will get what you want. So don't just ask once and accept "I'll see what I can do" because they won't, changing students around is a hassle, they don't want to do it but if you are in the office everyday, two or three times a day (bring the little ones along, that will be more annoying) you will get what you want. Also see if there is some in school counseling she can receive, I have worked with a few programs that I thought were really great for kids. Remember, you are your child's best advocate, you have to fight for her. Good luck with the meeting next week!!!! Give Sarah a hug from us.
Sarah

[KBecks]

Disclosure: I am neither a teacher or a parent of an elementary kid.

It's really early in the year to decide anything. It sounds like you know she is ready for 1st grade. She just may need more time to adjust and get comfortable. It's positive Sarah is sharing that she enjoys school. I would trust your feelings and her reports and tell the school you're not moving her back to K.

[Karenn]

Do you have a good relationship with Sarah's K teacher? She/he probably has a better grasp on Sarah in an academic setting than almost anyone. Could you call her and ask her opinion on this new teacher's recommendation?

[egoldber]

I had extensive conversations with her K teacher last year about where to place Sarah this year. She and I both agreed that there were advantages and disadvantages to both decisions for Sarah and there was not necessarily a clearly better choice.

Sarah demonstrated these same emotional qualities in her K class as well. I think the difference there is it was a very small, very warm and personal school, and the teacher had 15 years experience teaching K. She used to teach K in my (very large and diverse) district but its been a long time.

I had considered calling her again though and asking her opinion.

[LucyG]

Does Sarah's school offer any multi-age classes (K/1 children in the same class)? I wonder if that might be a good option for her, if you do have access to it. As I teacher, I have found that multi-age is a place where most kids can be successful, both socially and academically. Good luck!

DD #1 (2/03)
DD #2 (3/06)

[egoldber]

No. I wish they did. Others schools in our district do, but not this one. :( I think this is one place where Montessori really gets things right. If this does not seem to work out, I am keeping in mind an option of moving Sarah to a school that offers this, but I would consider that only as a very last resort! I really think she will be fine after the adjustment.

[thomma]

background: 17 years of teaching; just started my 16th year in 2nd grade

I don't have time to phrase this eloquently so I'm just going to list some random thoughts:

*While I think the teacher should talk to you about her concerns, I think it's pretty ballsy for her to suggest that your daughter go back to K.
*I'm an experienced teacher and it takes me more than a week to really get to know most kids. It can take some kids weeks to settle in.
*Did the teacher have some positive examples of Sarah's first week? Did she have any suggestions other than having her redo K?
*I think Jeanne(trumansmom) gave some really good advice about finding a counselor/therapist for anxiety issues.
*When I meet with parents about social/emotional concerns, I do so with our guidance counselor (either with her during a meeting or she points me in the right direction). Our guidance counselor is very helpful. She often runs small groups for kids with social issues. Does this school have a guidance counselor?

Good luck and let us know how things turn out-

Kim
ds&dd 5/03

[lmintzer]

Hi Beth. I'm sorry to hear Sarah's first week was a little rocky. Actually, it doesn't sound all that bad. As a mom of a new 1st grader myself, I've heard lots of "first week" stories. It's a big, big transition, and it sounds like Sarah's made lots of changes that could lead to inreased stress/anxiety.

My gut feeling is that going back to K isn't going to solve the probem. It's possible that there really isn't any problem to solve--she may just need more time to adapt to the changes and new surroundings and longer day. However, if she does need some assistance, repeating K will likely hurt more than it would help. I agree with you that she'd totally know wha'ts up and would be ashamed/upset to have to back track.

I wonder if the new teacher is overwhelmed herself and is just doesn't have enough experience under her belt to know how to best help Sarah. Maybe her own secret wish is to "send away" all of the kids who need more of her time right now. Not in a mean way, but in more of a "There's only 1 of me" kind of way.

How many kids are in Sarah's class? Is there an aid in the room?

I think that talking to the teacher again and maybe even setting up a conference call or meeting with Sarah's old K teacher, you, and the new teacher could be helpful. Involving the school's guidance counselor would also be a good idea.

It is possible that therapy would be benefiicial to help her address the anxiety (what's causing it, although it could just be a biologically-based/temperamental thing), and how deal with it. She might feel more confident if someone helped her develop some "tools" for managing her feelings when she's experiencing a lot of anxiety and self-doubt.

Before I'd send her back to K, I'd make sure the school is doing all it can to help her succeed in 1. That's really the bottom line. If that means getting more formally evaluated and having an IEP developed, maybe that's what needs to be done. I highly doubt that'd be necessary from all you've said, but I think that putting the onus on the school--in collaboration with you, of course, to help her through this transition is important. In other words, this teacher can't just drop the ball 'cause it's feeling like it's too mcuh for her.

Hope that helps--I'm rambling a bit, I know . . .

(Jack, by the way, who seems to be doing okay with his transition has still had some tough moments--he's more the kind to act out for me at home than at school. Lunch/recess has been somewhat stressful for him. Big changes!)

[jk3]

As a first grade teacher, I think it's completely bizarre that a teacher would contact a parent with concerns about a child's maturity during the first 6 weeks of school. We expect this. I would speak with the principal asap.

Jenn
DS 6/03
DS 5/07

[purpleeyes]

(oh, man! I had a good post all ready, and I lost it. I'll try again...)

Anyway, I was reading throught the posts with the plan to suggest a including the school counselor, but Kim beat me to it. As a counselor, I saw a few 1st graders last year for transitional issues.

IMO, as an educator, one week is NO where near enough time to make such a long term assessment. Everyone is a little 'off' the first week. Even kids who seem to do well will have break downs in the 2nd, 3rd week, esp. when the work/expectations really kick into gear. Does that mean they should go back to K.? No, they should be helped within the context of the 1st grade.

I am a big proponent of kids temperament-we are who we are, and we can't force major changes, just behavioral ones, in our children. I think it is important to work with the strenghts of temperaments and build on the weaknesses. For example, you daughter is a senstive child, who doesn't deal well with transitions, that's who she'll always be, she'll need some coping skills to deal with the transitions she'll face during her life. Having them now will be such a big help for next years transition, and then you add some new ones to her repertoire for the big ones and she's good to go. That is where a school counselor or therapist can be helpful.

Here are some links I often give to parents:

http://www.nasponline.org/resources/home_school/b2shandout.aspx
http://www.aacap.org/cs/root/facts_for_families/the_anxious_child

I hope they are helpful! Good luck and keep us posted.

[StantonHyde]

I second the therapy. DS is an anxious kid. When DD was born, it really rocked his world. We saw a child psychologist 3 times in 3 months, just to talk about his anxiety and how it affected our parenting--and how our parenting affected him!! She never had to see our son. I honestly felt like I was going to "parent camp" :-) She would tell us "when he does y, you do x". And it worked! (you'd think those people went to school to become experts or something!!)

I can definitely see where we might need to go back again at different times during the next 13 years depending on what DS encounters.

It never hurts to talk to a counselor--I have always found it helpful to have a third eye view of the situation. Good luck!

[shishamo]

I just wanted to say that thrapist would be a great idea. My middle daughter (who just started kindergarten) is a bit like Sarah: an anxious child who want to get things just right. She often refuses to do certain things even though i know she can do it at least as well as majority of children. She also does not have good coping skills at all: she tends to lash out and have a tantrum.

Anyway, we've been seeing a child thrapist for the past few months. It has not being a magic cure-all thing, but it had helped me develop coping skills with her. We are also working on having her recognize her anxiety before it gets out of hand. It's not easy but we are working on it.

My daughter also is a very early reader, which is why I didn't want to hold her back also. She tends to act up when she's bored (which is one of my big concerns this year).

I also want to echo others that multi-age classroom may be a big help. My older son was in 1st/2nd mix last year (where my daughter would be next year), and it worked out great for us (my son is also extremely sensitive and very early reader).

Good luck and keep us posted :-)

[KCR4]

Sarah sounds so similar to my DS #1, very good reader, very bright, and sensitive and a bit anxious. We were in the same boat (he turned 6 this summer) - decision about K or 1st for this year. He had been in the primary program, ages 3-5, and a local authentic Montessori. We always thought we'd send him to the public school after that. I ended up just feeling a bit "stuck" - I couldn't see him in either K or 1st after all! Although financially it's a big commitment, we re-enrolled him in the Montessori in the class for 6-9 years old. So far (two weeks into the school year), it seems like a great choice. However, the school of course encourages parents to embrace the "three-year cycle." I'm not sure we can do that, so we will probably re-assess later this year. Now the choice will be 1st grade, or 2nd. Great! Here we go again! Actually, I'm hoping that 1st grade will be challenging enough, and enough of a transition that even if the academics are not totally challenging then the transition will occupy him - and socially I suspect it will be the best match. But I don't know how this will pan out. It does affect my choice that my son is very small for his age, in addition to sensitive - and that his neighborhood friends are in K this year at the public school (both summer birthdays that have been "held" and fall birthdays that had to wait). It gets complicated, huh? Well, I just wanted to say, I have been there, and I don't know the answer but I just keep telling myself, if this doesn't work...we'll try something else. But I'm giving myself a semester each time to think it through, if something doesn't seem right. Big hugs to Sarah, and you! Karen

[alkagift]

Beth,
No advice here other than it sounds like you know your child and you know repeating K would not be helpful. I do think the teacher jumped the gun. As scary as a therapist sounds, it might be a good idea, to give her come coping skills for the classroom.

Hang in there, my 4 year old is in a full-day public preschool this year and we're working through that transition too.

Allison
Mommy to Matthew, 5/03 and Daniel, 6/07

[Jeanne]

It almost sounds as it this teacher is basing her conclusions on her opinion of holding back younger birthdates if this is common in your area and she knows Sarah's bday. I think a week is too soon to make such a statement.

As far as social readiness vs. academic readiness goes, it's a tough call. Both girls and boys are held back here for late birthdays more for social reasons than for academics. The opinion of most teachers is that kids all seem to catch up by the end of 1st grade so if they are bored in the beginning, it tends to go away because public is required to teach to the test. Smaller schools just tend to have less students and allow for more attention.

Boys have a harder time in younger grades and girls have a harder time in older grades. A year makes a huge difference in development and puberty for girls when they hit ages 10-13; so having a girl as much as 15 months younger than her peers can be a nightmare. Whereas you can always accelerate a child's academics through gifted programs, you can't accelerate puberty or hold back peer pressure.

ITA that therapy to help with anxiety might be the way to go. I can't see sending her back to K now especially since she is hyper aware of age vs. grades and ability. She might think it's too babyish for her and frustrate her even more.

[egoldber]

I can't thank everyone enough for their thoughtful feedback. It has given me much to think about.

I have a follow up question. I am considering firing off an e-mail to the principal and the school counselor to set up meetings to talk about what is best for Sarah. Is this premature? Should I wait another week or so to see how things shake out this week? The teacher is supposed to be contacting the principal. Should I wait a little while and follow her lead to avoid offending her?

Thank you so much!!

[KBecks]

I'd let it lie for now. The beginning of the school year is so busy and it gives more time for you to watch how Sarah does. But if you don't hear back from the teacher by the end of the week, make sure you're not getting forgotten about.

Best wishes!

[purpleeyes]

I agree, esp. about giving it the week, but I would consider contacting the school counselor ahead if you really want him/her to be there, so they can coordinate their schedules. The beginning of the year is crazy and I usually get a lot of requests for conferences for these type of issues, so his/her schedule may be filling up! :)

Beth

[egoldber]

When I picked Sarah up from school today her teacher approached me. She told me that she did a reading assessment for Sarah today and then said, "You were right! Her reading is SOOO advanced. There is no way she can go back to Kindergarten."

THANK YOU!! Maybe you should have done that first before ruining my week. x(

She said that Sarah still exhibits a lot of "immature, kindergarten behaviors" so she wants to set up a meeting with us, her and the counselor to talk about how to deal effectively with trying to change those behaviors to be more appropriate in the first grade classroom.

I am much happier now. I'm still not sure this teacher is the best fit for Sarah, but I feel like she at least understands some of my concerns.

[maestramommy]

I've not taught this age group, but I think you are right. The way a kid is, that doesn't really change with age. If anything sometimes it gets even more so, esp. as they hit puberty. I had a student who was very emotional and sensitive. She was also easily frustrated and common obstacles that might make another child say "rats!" and try again could reduce her to tears. Sometimes making special accommodation for her helped, but mostly I just had to let her be and she would work things out herself. Of course she was a couple years older (5th and 6th grade).
In her case it got progressively worse, she started having more serious social problems, wouldn't do her schoolwork, and the mom couldn't see it (unfortunately she also was a teacher at the same school!) until her freshman year when she was diagnosed with depression. Also I think the mom had a hard time facing that the school just was not a good fit for her daughter. She transferred after that year, and the difference was phenomenal.

I think if I were teaching someone like Sarah I would certainly want to meet with the parent, but mostly to discuss the situations that seem to set her off and ask what has helped in the past. Also I might offer suggestions that I was thinking of trying just so the parent would have a heads up.

In reading all the responses, something has struck a chord, and that is regarding transition. All kids find transition difficult, and some more than others. In my first year teaching I saw that testing (performing in front of the class) would be so stressful that an unsuccessful attempt could make a child cry. I had never seen it during student teaching, so it surprised me, but I remember that forever and made sure to mention it on parents night so that THEY wouldn't freak out if it happened to their kid. All this is to say that IMO a child crying isn't necessarily a bad thing, and certainly isn't unusual, esp. when things are still new. The fact that the teacher admitted that you were right about Sarah's reading shows that she is still open to learning more, so I'd give her more time to get it right. So hard when it's your child, I know!

[trumansmom]

Oh good! I'm so glad she's coming around. Too bad she had to confuse the snot out of you before she did, though!

Good luck. This school stuff is hard.

Jeanne
Mom to Truman 11/01 and Eleanor 4/04

[purpleeyes]

Yay! I was hoping you'd check back in with good news. Sounds like the teacher is on the right track and probably learned a good lesson from working wtih you. Too bad your kid had to be the learning opportunity for a newish teacher, right? I'm just glad its working out.

Beth