I need HELP!!! (venting and seeking reassurance!)

[LarsMal]

There, I said it, now what?!?!? I had a doctor's appointment today that turned into more of a therapy session than a doctor's visit. Basically, I've stressed myself into having stomach issues. I get really hungry, but then I can't get food down. I've lost about 6 pounds in the past couple weeks(which for me is not a good things, as I'm now about 10 pounds underweight). I WANT to eat, but I have trouble. It's so frustrating- hopefully the meds will help calm things down and I'll get back on track. (This isn't just kid-related, it also involves my skin/allergy issues that I finally have under control, but after 6 months of dealing with it has done some damage, I guess.)

I really liked the doctor I saw. He pretty much told me that having 2 kids in 16 months has taken a major toll on my body. He said that I need to stop being so "proud" and ask for help. Okay, so I need help! I know he's right, but I'm not sure how to go about it. I told DH we need to talk tonight about possibly finding someone a couple days a week for a few hours so I can have some ME time. We'll see how that goes.

The doc also recommended I start getting back into exercising. He first threw out the idea of anti-depressents, but I don't feel "depressed". I feel bored yet overwhelmed. My days are so mundane and I don't really have a network here (we moved out of town a year ago) so it's just the kids and me- all day, every day. He said that exercise would really help me feel better. It certainly wouldn't hurt!

So, now the reassurance. Tell me I'm not alone! Does anyone else feel this way? You love your kids, but you just need a break. Your days feel busy, but boring. The same routine day in and day out is good for them, but driving you mad!

The doc told me I'm in a tunnel. There is a light, and I'm getting there, but I'm still in the tunnel. So when do I get out? When my hormones get back in check? When the kids turn 18 and leave for college?!

Just looking for some support from all the great mamas out there!

TIA!

[shilo]

do you have a local Y or gym with free child care? getting into the gym three days a week and getting a good workout and an uninterupted SHOWER was and is a lifesaver for me. sam really liked the caregivers there and they make an effort to schedule the same ladies each week so he does well with the consistancy.

i think you also might consider breaking up your meals? what if you just tried snaking on some calorie dense, healthy stuff thru out the day for a few days rather than trying to get it all down in one big sitting?

anyway, hang in there. you're doing the right thing for you now by getting it out on the table. hugs.
lori
Sam 5/19/05 How lucky I am that you chose me.

[roysmom]

No real answers for you, but great big hugs. I hope that you can find the time to take for yourself and that your DH helps out. Men just really don't understand.

[nfowife]

I agree on finding a gym w/a kids club. It has been great for me!! I really look forward to having some "me" time and the kids do fine in there. I'm not losing much weight, because I'm still eating like a pig, but at least I'm not gaining because of working out!
Plus DD goes to MDO a few days a week and it REALLY makes a difference in the boredom for both of us.

[lisams]

You are SO not alone.

You want to know what is kind of sad? I take DD to school 15 mintues early and let her run around in the grassy area with the other children so I can chat with the other moms. It truly does make my day. Even if I don't strike up an interesting conversation with anyone, just physically being around other moms and saying "good morning" helps me. I really think that mothering has become so isolated and that it was never meant to be that way. I daydream about "village" parenting, lol!!

[VClute]

Ok, first of all, I LOVE the sound of your doctor! He sounds very concerned about your overall health. You've got a keeper there!

Second, oh boy - do I know how you feel! I am SO BORED sometimes! There is a LOT to do - but all of it is so unfulfilling! (I am NOT one of those people that gets off on having a freshly mopped floor...) I seem to live every day from one task to the next, never accomplishing anything that I can show off at the end of the day when DH comes home.

For me, exercise really HAS become an important part of my life. It's time that I spend ON ME, FOR ME. There is a great nursery at my gym, and I see lots of other moms in the classes I take. They notice when I don't come, and it feels good to know that there are people looking out for me. (AND, it helps me to stay on track - I know they'll give me grief if I skip too many days in a row...)

On those days that I don't get to the gym, it really shows in my patience level. And in my energy level. I can get a lot more done in a day if I've spent two hours at the gym than if I spend those two hours at home. Weird, huh? Not to mention, my kids get sick of ME, too! So that break in the nursery is great for them.

The other advantage is that the nursery workers often moonlight babysitting! Woot!

I hope you feel a lot better soon. You are NOT alone!

Amy in NC
mom to Dixon, born 2/14/05
...and Abigail Rose, born 4/7/07

[gatorsmom]

I so hear you. It's funny what the other Lisa posted- how she gets to her daughter's school 15 minutes early to chat with the other moms. I do that too! I strike up conversations with cashiers, other mothers in line at stores, etc. SAHM really can be a lonely job.

I think the gym thing is a great idea, but it didn't work for me. I didn't like having to get my gear and the baby's gear together and Gator never liked that nursery. So, i'd find I went less and less often. That of course, put stress on me because I was still paying the membership fee but I didn't want to go, etc. I finally quit the gym and started stroller walking with my headphones. Now THAT was my thing. I'd walk right out my door and just walk in my neighborhood. I listened to music I don't normally listen to around my kids and we all got fresh air. It was a huge daily pick-me-up. Of course, that only really works in the summer and fall around here- not sure what the weather is like where you live.

The other thing I would recommend is joining a church mom's group. Even if you are not affiliated with a church, you could probably find one with moms you enjoy being around. I tried a couple of different ones before I found one I felt comfortable in. It doesn't always happen right away!! The one I'm in now is a Catholic group but we have moms in there who are Baptist and even Mormon! And we all get along great. I'm really glad I didn't just give up after the first group fiasco. Perseverance is key, I guess.

Another thing you could consider is having mother's helpers come for 2 afternoons a week. These can be fairly easy to find because there aren't many babysitting opportunities for middle schoolers. All you really need is a 10-12 year old to play with your kids for a couple of hours so you can get ahead a bit in the house or do something around the house you enjoy. At that age, I wouldn't feel safe leaving them alone with the 2 kids, and it's nice to be right there if there is a problem. I used to tell my mother's helpers that they didn't even have to change diapers- just play with my kids. I paid them $3/hour and they came twice a week. Oh, and my kids loved them. I found several girls in the neighborhood who were interested in doing this.

You are not alone. And the more you get out and talk to other moms/search for networking activities, the sooner you will see there are a lot of women out there like you. Big hugs and GL!

Lisa
Mom to Gator July 2003
And Cha-Cha July 2005
and surprise! twins due 11/07!

[tsem]

I do know how you feel! I recently had trouble breathing with chest pressure and went to many dr's and finally figured out that I have allergies and silent reflux. I was having getting food down as well. I think I counted 14 dr's. I went to an ENT who got me on the right track with the reflux and then a GI dr. who scoped me and confirmed silent reflux. My primary care dr. said I had anxiety! Yes, I have 4 children (7,5,3, 9mo), don't feel well, can't breathe and no one knows what is wrong- there is some anxiety involved!! I took a look at my life and decided to slow down a bit, excercise (studies say it is as good as antidepressants) and try to be as healthy as possible. A big thing for me is lack of sleep. I have to get my now 10 mo old dd to sleep thru the night. I think that would make a big difference. Like the pp said, talking to other moms at preschool for 10-15 helps alot!!
Hugs to you- I know sometimes it is hard when you are not feeling well.
Traci

[Corie]

I am going to suggest maybe joining a MOMS Club.

Since moving here to Rhode Island and not knowing anyone,
this club has helped me tremendously.

I also joined a Newcomers Club which has been great.

Both offer activities for me to do with the kids and also
Mom's Night Out activities just for me. I'm finally starting
to make friends. And this helps ALOT!

I'm sure the exercise thing would help too but I can't get
myself motivated to do it. Plus, I really hate to pay for
a gym membership that quite possibly could go unused.

Definitely check into a local MOMS or MOPS Club.

[o_mom]

I was feeling this way when my first two were that age. Around the time DS2 turned one, I was able to pull myself out of the fog. Some of it was just sleep deprivation and that got better when he started sleeping through the night. I also started exercising by joining an indoor soccer team. I got into a routine around the house which kept me from getting overwhelmed with housework and I signed the kids up for some classes through the parks which got us all out of the house 3-4 days a week. DS1 was finally old enough to actually get something out of the classes. I also was able to hire the teenager next door to watch DS2 while I did them 1:1 with DS1.

Of course this all went out the window when I got pregnant a few months later.... :P

If you join a gym, make sure it's not a huge commitment in case it doesn't work out. DH pays $20/month for his gym and then there is childcare available for relatively cheap ($2/hr?).

[masha12]

You are not alone. Your description of being bored and overwhelmed at the same time describes exactly how I feel. I love my children, but the sameness of it all, day after day, and the isolation (and I have friends and family close by) gets to me after a while. As does the screaming and the crying.

Exercise does help, and doesn't have to be anything huge. Just take the kids for a stroller ride if you can't get a gym or do something by yourself.

I have never been on anti-depressants, and lately I have been wondering if they would help. I, like you, don't feel depressed, but I wonder if they would help me out of this small little funk I am in.

I don't know how old your kids are, but I think the worst age is 15 to 20 months - mobile and mindless - they are into everything and can't communicate other than screaming and pointing (I call it "Frankentoddler"). That part does get better.

[LarsMal]

"isoloated" is the perfect word to describe it! When I was growing up my entire family (my mom's side) lived within a 10 mile radius. It was not unusual to have a grandparent, aunt or uncle take us to a doctor's appointment or somewhere else if my mom was busy doing something with one of my siblings. I grew up very much in that "village" mentality so I think being alone and isolated is really hard for me. I hate being alone as it is, so feeling as lonely as I do recently is really hard!

The neighborhood we were in when DS was a baby (before we moved) was a planned community. There were tons of kids and SAHMs. We formed a play group of about 15 moms. We were our own little village. I thought the neighborhood we moved into would have the same vibe, but a year later, we still don't really know anyone. I've taken DS to various classes as well as storytime at the library, but moms with toddlers are so much harder to strike up friendships with b/c we're all so busy chasing our toddlers!

I wish we'd never moved!!!

[alleyoop]

I So know how you feel. The bored, the overwhelmed, the monotony! It is lonely, it is isolating. If you don't have family around (I don't) it is too much. It does get better, but for awhile it can suck. For me exercise was the key, but after trying gyms and clubs with childcare, walking in a stroller, blah blah, I found out that it had to be my solitude too. So now I get up at the butt-crack of dawn and run before everyone else gets up. My DH and I have a rule that as long as I am home before 8am he will do all of the kid duty. Maybe you can swing a deal like that with your DH?

[niccig]

Just agreeing with everyone else. You are not alone, at all!

The gym works for me, especially in the late afternoon. I can workout and destress, DS plays and then we're home and it's the evening routine.

Find something for you that is just yours. Eg. a friend is taking a photography class, it's something she's always wanted to learn how to do. Another friend is an avid scrapbooker. I volunteer in a different field from my career pre-DS. Yes, it does make some other things more difficult, especially when I fall behind in things, but it's something for me and for my future and it has nothing to do with DS, DH, the dog or the house.

Housework will always be there, it's never done. I've read about giving yourself a quitting time, and to stop doing things even if they're unfinished. I get to bed too late, then I'm tired and grumpy the next day, and that extra load of laundry can wait one more day, my sleep should be more important than dirty clothes. Seeing I didn't get to bed until after midnight last night, I really need to work on this.

HTH

ETA typos

[maestramommy]

You are definitely not alone! About a month ago I thought I might be experiencing some low level depression, but wasn't sure. Mostly I felt dead tired, but unable to fall asleep at night. However, during the afternoons I'd be afraid to nap because once I lay down I didn't want to get up, even when the kids woke and started calling! In addition, though I don't have allergies per se, I am itching all over for no particular reason. Several years ago a dermo said I had a stress induced rash and he wanted to put me on anti-depressants. I didn't want to do that so instead he gave me a topical analgesic, and told me to pat my skin instead when I felt like scratching. That actually helped. I also started doing yoga, and cutting back on my commitments. Of course, this is all pre-marriage LOL!

Nowadays I would feel bored like you, and while not overwhelmed, just tired and cranky in the same old grind, stuck at home with the kids day in and day out. My parents live within commuting distance, so I would go there once a week, but even that got old. I just saw my PCP for a complete checkup and blood work to make sure my thyroid is working, but in the meantime here is what I did:

1) Exercise regularly. Your doc is right about exercise making you feel better. We joined our local YMCA because they have free childcare. After one week of just walking/jogging around the track, my sleep problem was virtually eliminated. I am actually sleeping at night. Even when Arwyn decides to wake 3 times I still can get back to sleep. On a week when I can't get to the Y for whatever reason, boy to I feel it. My body just crashes, and my crankiness/fatigue comes back.

2) Dh has been really great about trying to help me get out of the house on my own. My church was looking to replace our handbell choir director, and he encouraged me to take the position. This gets me out one night a week, gives me some job responsibility in my field, and even brings in a little extra. It's really little, but for some reason looking at a paycheck again really excites me (why knows why).

3) We also try to do something different on weekends, do outings, do a road trip, something that gets both of us out of the daily grind. In some cases the cure has been more painful than the illness LOL! But I think all of us, including Dora, get bored with the same old same old, so just doing a different outing helps. We also joined Netflix, so having a video to watch a couple times a month is something to look forward to.

4) I've also started sewing. I got a great machine last fall, but really haven't been using it at all until recently. Now I try to come up with fun DIY projects (like making my own garbage bag for the car). Hunting down materials at the JoAnn's and making something small keeps things fun. I like to hit the store on Sunday afternoons while the kids are napping.

My doc gave me a few ideas for dealing with the itching, so I'll have to try them out. There IS light at the end of the tunnel, just sometimes we feel like the end gets closer and farther, back and forth sometimes. ((HUGS))

[megs4413]

you are NOT alone! it's so hard to articulate, but i know what you're saying! i wish you lived nearby...i'd go get coffee with you! (or maybe not coffee since you're having tummy trouble...). maybe start with having one night "off" a week? even if it just means you take an extra long shower? i'm still working on this issue myself, so i have no great answers...

BIG BIG HUGS!

[nfowife]

I already responded, but I wholeheartedly agree with joining a local moms group. We are military and move around A LOT. We knew not a soul when we got here, and DD was 5 months old. I immediately joined my local MOMS club (momsclub.org) and it has been amazing!! I have made such a wonderful group of friends and we always have stuff to do, planned and "spur of the moment". Seriously without the moms club I don't know what I would do.
Here are some good ways to find groups:
momsclub.org
mops.org (Christian group)
meetup.com
groups.yahoo.com (search under your city name and "moms")

I've also met some good friends taking the kid(s) to gymboree classes, but that is hard with 2. But, now I take DS when DD is at MDO, and it's nice to connect with other moms of kids just his age (he usually just tags along to activities for DD at the moment), and have some one on one time with him!

Good luck!

[Mommy Of A Little Angel]

Thank you for posting this! Honestly - that's exactly how I feel! I am so busy but so bored. I keep telling DH that I feel bad for DD because we don't "do" anything, kwim? I have lived here for over a year and still have no real friends. I have people I meet at the Little Gym and such but no one I can call up. Honestly I encourage DH to invite his work buddies over so I can have people to hang out with other than DD!

I love my baby but sometimes I just want a break. DH is all about letting me get out by myself on weekends to do errands (not that I have anything I need to do, but it's nice to get out by myself), but I wish I had someone to hang out with.

I started going to the gym about a month ago. I can drop DD off at the Kid's Zone which is nice. I have been trying to work out every week day. It's an hour or two of time to myself. Plus I need the exercise! I still feel kind of guilty about leaving DD.

I guess I am not much help but know you aren't alone! Sometimes I wish all us BBBers lived in the same area!

[LarsMal]

You mamas are SO awesome! I am typing this through teary eyes b/c it feels so good to know that I am not alone. I knew I could come here and find others who know exactly how I'm feeling/what I'm going through.

DH and I talked tonight. He is sick with the kids' cold, so he's feeling pretty crappy now, too. He said he's glad I'm opening up to him, but sad that I am not happy here (but he thinks that may be more his cold!). After I emailed him about my visit with the doc today, he got online and did a real estate search for homes closer to our friends/family. I told him we don't have to pick up and move back to DC, but I thought it was very sweet that he would even do that for me. He said he's not loving his job a whole lot, so moving back wouldn't be terrible. It sucks, b/c where we are now is so much more affordable, and I love our house and the area- so who knows. I told him to just give me some more time and hopefully I'll come out of this funk.

I also saw my neighbor outside this afternoon and we might look into finding someone to share. Another neighbor told me to call her college-age sitter, who may have some time available. I'm happy that DH is on board with me getting someone to help out a couple times a week, just for 2 or 3 hours. Thinking about grocery shopping ALONE is enough to raise my spirits!!!

I am definitely going to start exercising. We do have a local Y just up the road, so we're going to look into the family plan and possibly join. Our treadmill isn't working properly so for now I'm just going to hit the pavement. My neighbor gave me her double jogger to borrow so now I'm looking forward to plugging in the iPod and heading out- hopefully it won't rain tomorrow! I've also really wanted to try that Bikram (sp?) yoga, so maybe this is my opportunity to try something new!

Thanks again to everyone! I am slowly learning to swallow my pride and admit that sometimes I need to reach out for a helping hand!

:-) Julie

[LarsMal]

Oops, double post.

[ilovetivo]

You are totally not alone! I'm right there with you. It's so sweet your dh is trying to help!

Hugs!

[saschalicks]

You know sometimes being near friends and family makes all of the difference in the world. I love in a town I cannot afford. People ask us all of the time why we don't move. I always say "my family". My parents live 5 blocks away and my brother's live 1 & 2 miles away. That support is priceless. We live in a 2 bedroom apt, but we have moral support.

Saying all of that I know what you mean. I just think that it was really awesome that DH is considering the move. I think you should also think about what it might do for your family (you, DH & the kids) as a whole.

GL!

[gatorsmom]

I know exactly what you mean when you say it is hard to reach out for help. I've found though, that the more kids I have, the more I HAVE to accept help- so maybe what you need is more kiddos!! LOL.

Seriously, I hope the weather is nice for you today and that you enjoy your walk. If the kids don't like sitting still in the jogger (sometimes that happens to my friends when they borrow my jogger), just tell them to count the trees or the cars and make a game of it for them. btw, the more you walk with them in it, the more they will get used to it. enjoy!!

Lisa
Mom to Gator July 2003
And Cha-Cha July 2005
and surprise! twins due 11/07!