Party protocol & kid safety -- reality check, please.

[jhamman]

Hello!

May I ask a question about balancing birthday party etiquette
and child safety ?

Three-year-old DC and I have attended a few children's parties
recently where it is the first time we have visited that family's
home (that is, I'm not sure if the host family and I are on the
same page, child-proofing-wise, if that makes any sense).

At some of these events the kids have been allowed to play
and roam freely (unsupervised) in other parts of the house & yard,
while the adults chat in the kitchen, etc.

At the last party, I glanced out the window and noticed
one of the children wandering out of the unfenced yard,
down the street, and I ran out to grab him...
what if I hadn't seen him?

I don't want to be rude to the other adults, but I'm not going
to let my own DC wander through (and out of) someone else's house
unsupervised. Am I being paranoid or overprotective?

When you don't know the hostess or other guests that well,
how do you suggest moving the adult conversation over to the
areas where the kids are playing?

Also, when you are the host/hostess, do you ever hire a sitter
to help watch over the children during the party ?

Thanks very much for the reality check!
-- jsh

[BeachBum]

If need be, I just make a joke about needing to stay close to my "explorer", "wondering maniac" etc etc. and say "someone come out there and talk to me" with a big smile.
If it really is a situation where there is a potential problem, most other parents will be glad to have someone else step up. If other parents think your over reacting then you wont have any takers :)

Everyone has a different comfort level with these things and I think you just have to find a lighthearted way to do what you feel comfy with, without making it a judgment on someone else.

[rlu]

I would hang out with my kid. So far both DH and I have gone with DS to parties, so we tag-team between hanging out with DS and talking with other parents (usually also tag-teaming).

[ColorBlue]

When my first one was little we had friends that were like this too. They let their kids basically roam the whole house unsupervised. It made me crazy and I didn't want to socialize with them because I ended up watching all the kids! My husband didn't understand until one day our dd came downstairs (after playing unsupervised by him at their house) with magic marker all over her and her younger friend. She had drawn on herself and her friend!

Tracy

Mama to three girls, my big kindergartener Grace 11/01, and my babies Ella and Madeline 10/04.

[gatorsmom]

It's funny that you bring this up- I just had an issue with a neighbor and good friend of mine. She has a habit of putting her children in the basement to play while she and her friends chat in the upstairs kitchen. She's been doing this since her son (who is now 4 and is friends with Gator) was 2 years old. Well, I never felt comfortable doing this but she and her friends always laughed at me and told me that one day, when i had more children, I'd be only too happy to get them out of sight. I never bought that.

Anyway, 2 weeks ago, she said her 4 year old has been asking and asking to have Gator over for a playdate. Knowing how "hands-off" she is, I've been avoiding this for years. But, she said she'd just have him over for lunch and they'd play playdoh and then I could come and get him an hour and a half later. When I got there she was on the phone long distance and didn't want to get off the phone but told me to come get Gator an hour later because the boys were having too much fun. She said she had just checked on them and they were in the basement tearing apart her older son, Brandon's room. He's 12 btw. I didn't like the sound of that so I said nicely, well I"ll check on Gator to see how he's doing. So, I went downstairs and I find him following his friend around pretty much doing everything his friend is doing. This includes: jumping off a broken coffee table onto a desk and then off that onto a sofa. Totally running free and unsupervised. Needless to say, I got Gator out of there and just said that he was overly tired from a long day and lots of excitement and now it was time to go home and relax. I know my friend was embarrassed that I found them like that because she was trying to reassure me they weren't doing that the whole time. I was just pissed with myself because I should have known better (her son has been in the ER for stitches 5 times in the last 6 months).

I'm sorry to hijack, what I wanted to say was this: Gator has been invited to this kid's birthday parties and playdates for a long time now and most of the other parents in this group let their kids run around unsupervised too. I'm usually the only parent that hangs around with the kids while the other parents are in their little conversation circle. Or, if I"m talking to the parents too, I'll interrupt my conversations with them frequently to say, "excuse, I'm going to go check on the kids." Many times I find that I haven't spent much time with the adults at all- I am usually supervising the children. But that's fine with me because I know Gator is having fun and he's safe and that's what is most important to me. hth

Lisa
Mom to Gator July 2003
And Cha-Cha July 2005
and surprise! twins due 11/07!

[GaPeachInCA]

We had my son's 3rd birthday party recently. I expected everyone to supervise their own chid. I did not hire a sitter. The only problem came when one boy repeatedly jumped on my son's bed even after I asked him not to. I just took him off the bed and then went and found his dad. Everyone else was well supervised for the most part. Some of the older kids, not so much, but they don't really require it (5+ years).

[lilycat88]

If it is a "children's" party, I try to keep everyone in decent eyesight. Luckily, I've got a cautious kid who doesn't explore. If it is an "adult" party with children present, I'll keep DD in eyesight as well but we've not been confronted yet with her exploring houses where I don't know the family well. We have a large holiday open house party every year where children are invited/encouraged to attend and I hire a sitter just to keep the kids engaged with each other and give the parents a bit of a break.

[MelissaTC]

I don't have home parties for partly this reason. I would rather have all the kids engaged in an activity in a confined area with lots of adults standing around the perimeter, kind of like a zone defense. ;) And when DS gets invited to parties, I stay. I don't trust someone else to watch my child.

Just my 2 cents...

[SnuggleBuggles]

In my circle it would be possible that some parents would get caught up in conversation and not be right on top of their kids. But, that's b/c it is basically understood that when the gaggle of kids is in your space that you are supervising. There are always at least a handful of adults stationed anywhere there are kids.

If I was talking to someone and noticed the kids were unsupervised I would excuse myself and go where the kids are. Most of the time the other parent would come too.

I have not been to a party where someone hired a baby sitter to watch the kids at a b-day party. I have seen things like that at a block party or some more adult oriented party. B-day parties are for the kids.

Beth

[lisams]

This is one of the reasons we don't have birthday parties at home - at least for a large group of children. Plus I don't like cleaning up before and then after the party. We have family parties at home, since there are only a few children.

I make sure that DD either stays where I can see her or go with her where she is. I miss out on some of the socializing, but it's no biggy. Usually we go as a family since they are almost always on the weekend, so DH and I kind of take turns being "in charge" of keeping an eye on DD. Most of the parties we go to are at places like Pump It Up, As You Wish, Gymboree, bowling, etc. Makes things so much easier!

[CiderLogan]

Another lighthearted, comfortable (for me) way of doing this is to say something like, "I'm going to go make sure DC isn't tearing up your house..." when I wander away to check on the kids. It doesn't sound as judgmental to me as "I'll go make sure the kids are ok."

-J (Mama to two amazing girls, ages 1 and 4)

[octmom]

I feel the same way. That and the layout of my house sucks for parties.

This may sound paranoid, but I worry about all kinds of things kids can get into in someone's home when they are not being watched. A guy I knew growing up died from an accident with a gun at a party. He was in his late teens and old enough to know better, but I do worry about kids getting hold of firearms. We don't have any in our house, but I know folks who do.

Jerilyn
DS, 10/03
DD, 3/06

[egoldber]

I agree that this is part of the reason why I prefer not to have large kid birthday parties in my house. Especially when you have a wide mix of ages with siblings, etc. Maybe 3-4 sedate 6 year old girls but that would be my limit LOL!

Also, it really depends on the kid. My friend and I have older daughters exactly the same age, and when we get together its lovely. The two girls head off together and play for hours unsupervised and we can chat. BUT the younger sibs...not so much. Her second child is a BUSY boy and Amy is also going to be very BUSY. There's no way I'd let Amy wander off unsupervised in someone else's house. But Sarah was a different story.

[nov04]

I've been in this situation. I supervise dd much better when we're out because I don't know the hazards in someone's house. At this particlar place, I steered dd back to where i was and when she did wander, I would watch and periodically come back briefly to join the conversation. tough situation

[kransden]

Let me tell you a horrific story that happened several years ago. Don't read pass this if you are squeamish or tender hearted.

I got married in October. After I returned from my honeymoon, this what happened the following weekend. A couple got married about a mile from where I lived at a house. These are old stately homes on large lots with beautifully landscaped yard and no fences. It was a late fall evening and rather chilly. A three year old turned up missing. They searched the house, they searched several of the neighbors yards and they searched a neighbor's pool....NOTHING. Eventually, they went back to the neighbor's pool. Guess who was on the bottom? The child had managed to pry the cover up on the pool, then fell in and drown.

So because someone was too busy whooping it up at a party, a child was dead, and a couple who probablable spent a large fortune on their wedding had it ruined, and what a way to start out a marriage. Plus now someone who did everything correctly for pool safety now knows a kid drowned in their back yard.

I do understand kids are quick and things can happen. This wasn't the house next door, it was several houses down. They evidently hadn't watched the kid for a while. The incident is burned in my memory.

So, to answer your question, no you are not being paranoid or overprotective, you are being smart. I also hire responsible teenagers to watch the kids if I need to.

Karin and Katie 10/24/02

[August Mom]

We have one friend/acquaintance that has parties like this. I usually wind up in the bonus room watching the kids. All my other friends tend to stay where they can watch their kids.

[tiapam]

Was the pool fenced and alarmed? I am not defending the child's parents at all, but from your description it does not sound like adequate pool safety to me.

I usually supervise my DD more at someone else's house than my own, with a few exceptions where we visit often.

-Pam

DD - 3 YO

[linsei]

I don't think you are being paranoid.

I'm probably perceived as anti-social. I leave conversations to go check and see what my dc is up to. Most other parents I know IRL don't bother to supervise their kids that closely.

I was just at an outdoor party today, and left the conversation when my dc stepped out of my range of sight. Basically, if dc is outside, so am I. A lot of time, I feel like I'm baby sitting all the kids because I follow my dc. I don't like it, but that's how it is.

If I host something, I expect other people to watch their kids, I don't think it's my responsibility to provide a sitter. If I were at someone's house that did provide a sitter, how would I know that the sitter was watching/keeping my child safe?

[jhamman]

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses;
I won't feel quite so lonely the next time I'm the only adult
watching over a bunch of unsupervised kids at a birthday party!


I have been accused by other adults of watching DC "like a hawk",
(like that's a bad thing?) and I guess they're right.
I have no problem with the idea of -- a few decades from now --
my grown DC complaining to his own DC that grandma
"used to watch me like a hawk"...!

Yes, I did watch you like a hawk, and I will be watching
over those future grandchildren like a hawk, too.
What a treat it will be to hear them complain
about how overprotective I am!

Take care, everyone, and watch those kids like a hawk for me!