Would you let a 3 yr old decide she wants her ears pierced.

[cdlamis]

*Wow, kind of surprised by some of the strong opinions (but not offended). Just to clarify, my family is Brazilian and babies leave the hospital with ears pierced. So, for us to wait this long is actually uncommon. I *do* think my daughters are beautiful with/without earrings and that is why I am leaving it up to them. All the replies made me realize that we can wait until she understands the magnitude and permanency (is that a word??) of her decision. The issues surrounding taking care of the ears don't worry me as much.

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We have decided that Julia can have her ears pierced when she's ready. We have been discussing it a lot and we tell her "it's your body, your choice." She has decided to wait.

Now, Bella (almost 3 yrs old), has announced that she wants hers pierced. We have discussed this with her as well and she knows all the details- the "gun", the pain, possible tears, etc. She still wants them.

Part of me wants to say no since she may still not know the full extent of her choice but part of me believes she does and to let her.

Thoughts??
Thanks!

Daniella
Mom to Julia 6/02
and Bella 12/04
"http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_sapphire_24m.gif"

[BillK]

Just my opinion - but I don't feel a 3 year old is fully capable of making an informed decision regarding pretty much anything at that age.

[octmom]

I agree completely. I also would prefer to wait until DD is able to care for pierced ears herself. I begged and pleaded to get my ears pierced and my parents said I had to wait until I was 13. Then they relented when I was 12 and I got them pierced for my birthday. Even though I wore gold posts, as I was instructed to do, my ears promptly got infected where they were pierced. Yuck.

Jerilyn
DS, 10/03
DD, 3/06

[o_mom]

I would say no. As Bill said - 3 yo aren't really capable of making any informed decisions that go beyond the next 5 min. An almost 3 yo really can't process much beyond "today" and maybe "tomorrow", let alone "clean with alcohol twice daily for 6 weeks" or "permanent".

[brittone2]

I'm agreeing w/ the PPs. A 3 year old might or might not (I'm inclined to lean toward might not ;) ) understand the full scope of the decision in terms of it possibly hurting, tears, that she's changing her body, etc; however, I strongly doubt she can fully understand things like the possibility that they might get infected, that they need to be cared for daily until fully healed, even when it might be uncomfortable/painful, etc. So best case, she understands some of it, but chances are she doesn't get it fully, especially the possibility of a not-so-perfect scenario taking place.

I got mine done around age 6 or 7 and despite cleaning them, etc. I developed a nasty infection and was told that we'd have to squeeze the blood/pus out daily in order for them to heal, or I could let them close (which is what we did eventually). I don't remember exactly what was wrong in detail, and I"m sure there were other ways around it, but back then no one really had any wise advice for us ;) It was not a picnic by any stretch. We let mine close and I got them repierced 2-3 years later.

Also, I have a nickel allergy, as does my mom and niece. My ears don't get too bad with it, but I have problems w/ the inside of buttons on jeans, etc. I'm sure you'd use surgical steel posts and take those precautions, but believe me, nickel allergies can get really annoying and sore (my niece actually has scarring all around her waist/belly from the inside of buttons on jeans. She's a teen so she keeps wearing them, but wow, not fun).

I guess my point is that if you are concerned about whether or not she really "gets" it, she might or might not get the (relative) permanence, the process, etc. But...does she really understand that they can become really infected, that the daily maintenance/cleaning can be tedious and uncomfortable, etc.? I have enough problems getting my 3.5 year old to brush his teeth 2x a day, wash his face and hands, etc. that I wouldn't really want to deal w/ cleaning an ear piercing on him, personally.

edited to clarify

[KBecks]

No, I wouldn't let a 3 year old get her ears pierced. I think that there needs to be an ability to care for the piercings. For me, age 5-6 is the youngest I'd consider, and ideally, a bit older than that. I think age 8+ is best.

[niccig]

I agree with the others to let her wait. You would be the one caring for her ears, she's too young to do that. A friend's daughters had their's done before 1, and it was and still is mum's job to make sure the ears are not infected. If she really wants earrings, you can get play-dress up ones, and then when she's older and capable of caring for them, she can have her ears pierced. My mum had all of us wait until we were 12, it was a big-deal for my sisters and I to go have them done, it meant we were growing up.

[Emmas Mom]

Hi Daniella! Count me in with the others. Part of the reason I got both girls ears pierced when they were infants was I knew there would be a HUGE period of time when wouldn't have it done. It was either when they were infants or wait until they were at least 11 or 12?? (I hadn't really decided). My reasons for getting it done earlier were entirely personal though....my Dad made me wait until I was a teenager & I always resented that. All my friends had theirs pierced & I really wanted mine but he would never let me. It wasn't until after my parents split that my Mom finally took me. (Thanks Mom!) lol I'd say if they're old enough to play with them but not old enough to take care of them then I'd wait. One of my fears at that age range was if I took one of the girls to have them done & the first ear got pierced & she threw a fit & started crying & wiggling that we wouldn't be able to get the other one done. Probably silly, but that was another reason I had them done while they were infants. They have to be able to understand the "pain factor". Good luck with your decision! :)

[hardysmom]

I can't imagine an almost 3 yr old who REALLY knows what it means to have her ears pierced...

If you want her to have pierced ears at that age it is totally up to you, but I don't think it is fair to say she "made the choice" to do it.

Stephanie

[Marisa6826]

No more than I'd let her get a tattoo. :)

Now, mind you I have both pierced ears and tattoos, but I don't think a child should be making those types of decisions. Hell, my 3yo can't even decide what pajamas to wear, or what kind of cereal she wants for breakfast.

I fully intend to let the girls choose whether or not they want their ears pierced. They just don't get to make that decision until they're 10 and can take on the responsibility of maintaining the piercings themselves (JMO).

-m

[Piglet]

Add me to the "no" vote. I think it is a good idea to let your kids decide whether they want earrings, but I also think it is good to set age appropriate limits on that decision. I wouldn't let my kids take that kind of decision lightly and I seriously doubt a 3 year old can grasp all that it entails. I got mine pierced at age 7 or 8, after begging and pleading for earrings. Well, fast forward 20 years and I can't wear earrings - I get horrible eczema from them. Now, I wish I didn't even have the holes, but they won't grow in. I realize that I might be the rare case, and I am sure I would have really resented my parents making me wait any older than 7-8, but with my own kids, I would really like to make a case for waiting.

Marina

Mommy to
DS1 A 07/14/01
DS2 K 03/10/05
DD1 A 05/08/07

http://by.lilypie.com/Jz7Qm6/.png
http://b3.lilypie.com/UqL2m6.png
http://b1.lilypie.com/O20wm6.png

[miki]

I would wait. One of my DD's classmates who's 4 just got her ears pierced. She asked and her parents agreed. After the first one was pierced, she started crying from the pain and said she didn't want to get the other one done. But her mom told her that was not an option. Her twin sister who was there to see decided she doesn't want pierced ears.

[s7714]

Nope. 3 yo is too young to make that choice on his/her own.

I think I was 8 or 9 when my parents allowed me to get my ears pierced and I think it was a good age. I understood the care required and permanence of it. I'll probably allow my DDs to get their ears pierced around 8 or 9 depending on their maturity. Additional piercings, stretched ear lobes and tatoos will have to wait until they're over 18.

Jennifer
Mommy to
Miss Pure Energy 3/03
Miss Limit Tester 6/05

Our bones may be brittle, but our spirit is unbreakable.
Osteogenesis Imperfecta www.oif.org

[Fairy]

I have to weigh in with another no vote. A three year old is not capable of reasoning a decision like this. My 3-year-old wants alot of things. The next day he wants different things. Makes it hard to know for sure what he really wants. Sometimes he wants things, gets them, is thrilled, then the next day says "all done." And that's it for the dump truck. A piercing is a bit more difficult to say "all done" to. Plus there's the trauma of something like that at that age. Some kids her age may be fine with it, others will not. Hard to tell for sure, so I'd wait till they really understood what it means and can take care of them themselves. Other than cultural motivations (all my Indian girlfriends had ear piercings from the time of babyhood ... and they were all fine!), I think that piercing a toddler's ears is for the parent more than for the child. For us, DS can have a pierced ear when he's 11, but if it were up to DH, he's say not until he's never!

Good luck, whichever decision you make!

[tny915]

>I got mine done around age 6 or 7 and despite cleaning them,
>etc. I developed a nasty infection and was told that we'd have
>to squeeze the blood/pus out daily in order for them to heal

This is exactly what happened to me. Tons of kids wear earrings with no problems, but in the event an infection develops, they are A LOT of work that I personally would not want to deal with.

[Sillygirl]

Why don't you just put some little shiny stickers on her earlobes? I'm sorry but the idea that a three year old should be given the opportunity to decide to have holes placed in her body is ludicrous to me.

[dr mom]

"Part of me wants to say no since she may still not know the full extent of her choice but part of me believes she does and to let her."

Developmentally, a three-year-old child is very much a concrete thinker, unable to grasp abstract ideas. Expecting a child that age to be able to anticipate future consequences that she has not previously experienced is unrealistic. Her brain has literally not developed to that point, and she is not able to really *understand* what she appears to be agreeing to. She sees the goal - she wants pretty earrings - but cannot anticipate the possible outcomes of her decision. She has likely never had to care for a healing wound, never had a skin infection, never had to AGREE to experience pain or sacrifice in exchange for achieving a goal of her own devising. Sometimes it's difficult to realize how differently our children's minds function from our own, because at three they can be pretty sophisticated verbally...but a three-year-old is NOT an abstract thinker, and isn't able to anticipate consequences and imagine the future the same way you or I can.

YOU are the only one who knows the "full extent" of her choice; I can assure you, even the most savvy three-year-old cannot weigh abstract consequences and make a truly informed decision.

I'll skip over the issue of performing an invasive cosmetic procedure on a child, since you have already received ample feedback on that topic. (Honest question for you, intended in a spirit of curiousity and not confrontation: aren't children naturally beautiful enough without "enhancing" their appearance with earrings?)

[sadie427]

Add me to the no camp--got mine pierced at around age 5 or 6 and had several bad earlobe infections as a child. Granted I've never heard of death by infected earlobe, but any infection on the head (and thus near the brain and spinal fluid) is nothing to sneeze at. Plus my earholes are now very stretched and don't look quite right, perhaps from the infections.

[elizabethkott]

(my niece actually
>has scarring all around her waist/belly from the inside of
>buttons on jeans. She's a teen so she keeps wearing them, but
>wow, not fun).
>
Has your niece tried putting bandaids on the backside of the metal button? A college friend had similar issues, and found that either the round bandaid or even the corn pads worked well for her.
:)

[katydid1971]

aren't children
>naturally beautiful enough without "enhancing" their
>appearance with earrings?


ITA!!!!
Sarah

[ljackson]

> (my niece actually
>>has scarring all around her waist/belly from the inside of
>>buttons on jeans. She's a teen so she keeps wearing them,
>but
>>wow, not fun).
>>
>Has your niece tried putting bandaids on the backside of the
>metal button? A college friend had similar issues, and found
>that either the round bandaid or even the corn pads worked
>well for her.
>:)

I used to paint my the back of the metal button with clear nail polish to stop it from irritating me. I do the same with the buckle on my watch.

[maestramommy]

While I agree about the "your body, your choice," I would also add "your responsibility" and I don't think a 3yo is ready for that. I mean, ready to be able to and remember to clean her ears daily with alcohol, rotate the posts. When my daughters are able to do that, THEN I will let them get their ears pierced.

[brittone2]

She and I both do the clear nailpolish thing. I don't have to do it w/ all of my jeans...some don't bother me (I guess depending on the amount of nickel). I also find that it goes in spurts for me. It won't bother me for a while and then it will really flare up, especially w/ the heat in the summer.

SHe's a stubborn teen ;) so I don't think she keeps up with it as well as she could, kwim? But yeah, my friend was just visiting me from out of town and she's having problems w/ her wedding rings. My mom was filling me in on my niece's scarring, which I was unaware of until recently.

thanks for the suggestions :)

[kijip]

I agree that three is the wrong age for this. However, I don't think that it is too young and I don't think it is barbaric...I think that it is too old (and not yet old enough to decide on their own).

Infants that get their ears pierced forget it quickly enough (like at the next feeding!) and have their parents to take care of the cleaning without a lot of fuss or muss. By the time the kids are even aware of their ears, the piercings are well healed and they become a routine part of life. Past about 12 months or so, it seems the kids would run the risk of finding their ears and messing with the posts and being really upset about the pain in the long term. My ears were pierced at approx. 4 months and I wore earrings for the first couple of years of life. The holes are permanent but unnoticeable if I don't want to use them. I am really happy that my parents opted to have it done when I was an infant. I never had to dread wanting it later on and fleeing from the jewelers after one punch! I also doubt that a 3 year old could hold still after the first punch so that the second punch could be even with the first. All of the holes that I had put in after age 12 or so, even if posts were in for 12+ months have filled in. The original holes are still there even though I wear earrings about once a year.

We got my niece's ears pierced right at 4 months and it has gone very well with cleanings.

Of course little girls are just as beautiful without earrings as not but it is fallacy to say that piercing their ears is a message to the contrary. It is nothing but participation in an optional cultural ritual that has little lasting effect (girls can grow up to be women like me that never touch makeup and rarely wear jewelry beyond my wedding bands even if they have unnoticeable little holes in their ears.)

Past infancy though, I have to admit I would likely wait until a girl was 12+. And since I don't want to listen to years of whining for it, I will have any daughter's ears pierced at age 4 months or thereabouts.

[mamicka]

ITA, Katie. Alas, I only have boys. But if I were ever blessed with a daughter I'd plan to have her ears pierced as an infant.

Allison
DS1 2003
DS2 2005
DS3 2007

[Emmas Mom]

Very well said.

[anamika]

Thank you Katie. We also have a tradition in India (south) of piercing *all* kids ears (boys too) before they are a year old. My ped refused to do it until DD was 6 months old and we did do it through the ped's office with little to no trauma to anybody.
Comments like some of those made on this thread are really hurtful when you realize that we have a long tradition of this and it part of our culture. I find many American customs...different, shall we say but I hope I have more sensitivity and am less judgmental than to label them all as barbaric or disrespectful/hurtful to the child.
Yes, my DD does look more beautiful to me with her earrings b'cos she is now linked to her long, wonderful culture and heritage and I hope you can all understand that.

[JustMe]

It is a tradition in Guatemala as well; for girls only though. My dd's foster mom got dd's ears pierced when dd was 15 days old.

Robyn

[Aarohismom]

Very well said Usha! Thanks!

[o_mom]

As someone who has never wanted pierced ears, I find it odd that people assume that EVERY little girl will want and beg for pierced ears.

Ear piercing is not something I would do to a child before they are able to understand it (short and long term). IMO, any body modification on an unconsenting person is unethical. I can agree that ear piercing is not too harmful but there are many, much worse, things done to children in the name of "culture and heritage" so that really doesn't seem like a good reason to me.

[bubbaray]

If you *do* get them done, there are places that will do both ears at the same time, so you don't end up with a 3yo who is too scared to get the 2nd ear done b/c the first one hurt. I've heard that places that don't use a gun the children cry less, but I have no personal experience with that.

FWIW, my dr said not to do DD#1's until she had her full tetanus series, which is why neither of my girls had it done as babies. I actually *wish* I had done it anyway b/c both girls looked like boys as babies and I got pretty sick and tired of explaining that a baby who was dressed in head-to-toe pink REALLY was a girl, not a boy. :(

If my DD#1 asked for it to be done, I'd probably say no, but just because *I* don't want the extra hassle of looking after her ears at this point. I'm thinking 12 would be a good age, then she'd be old enough to look after them herself.

Good luck with your decision!


Melissa

DD#1: 04/2004

DD#2: 01/2007

[AngelaS]

My two older girls have had theirs pierced before age 4. M's aren't done yet, but they'll probably be done soon. So, I'm okay with it. :)

[brittone2]

I agree w/ o-mom that for me it comes down to informed consent. I know I brought up informed consent with the OP because in her OP, she seemed to elude to DD making an informed decision as part of the reason she was considering allowing it. I think several of us wanted to point out that it is unlikely her DD fully understands the relative permanence, let alone the potential for complications.

I've had several nieces that had their ears pierced as infants and do fine. It isn't a decision I'd make for my own DD, but I respect other people's right to make their own decision. Informed consent is something I believe in pretty deeply so for me, it is something I don't feel comfortable deciding for my DD.

[kijip]

>Informed consent is something I believe in pretty deeply so
>for me, it is something I don't feel comfortable deciding for
>my DD.


We all as parents makes decisions for our kids, and have been doing so since they were born, that are NOT based on the child's informed consent.

[brittone2]

True, but at least for me, many of the decisions I make as a parent without their consent revolve around things that are necessities, matters of health/well-being, etc. Or, the decisions I make are less than permanent or carry minimal or no risk to my child (what clothing to wear that day).

No, my child doesn't get a say in whether or not to ride in the carseat, etc., but when it comes to something like ear piercing, I'd prefer to talk to my child when I feel they are better able to grasp the risks/benefits, etc. and participate in the discussion.

I don't think anyone is saying we allow our child to participate in every possible decision in their lives just because we believe in informed consent. For me, when the "benefit" is relatively minimal, it doesn't seem worth it to engage in the potential risks with a 3 year old that doesn't fully understand. I'm not saying anyone else should hold those beliefs, but that's where I'm coming from.

If the OP said originally that it was of absolute cultural importance to her, than maybe my take would be slightly different, but it sounded like she felt her daughter grasped the possibility of pain and the relative permanence of the decision...which to me seemed like she was implying her daughter was kind of giving informed consent. Maybe that's not what she meant, but her description made me feel as though she was suggesting her daughter understood the potential discomfort and the relative permanence of her decision.

[Tondi G]

If it were me... I'd probably let my daughter go ahead and pierce her ears. I had it done at maybe age 5, I think?! It hurt for a couple of hours.... just had ice handy and I think my mom gave me some tylenol. I remember waiting for the gun to fire and seeing my sister standing there cringing. It was worse to see her face than it was to actually get them pierced! LOL

Good Luck with your decision!

~Tondi
Mommy to Mason 7/01 and Aidan 5/05

[kijip]

No the OP did not say it was a cultural necessity for her (but she did indicate it was a cultural norm for her), but the post that o_mom and you responded to did say that it was a major cultural thing for her family (sirinu). It was specifically cited that culture was not a sufficent reason in the post you agreed with.

I always try and ask myself, what exactly is the harm when I am taking a stand to say that something is "unethical" or wrong. In this case, infant ear piercing, I have to say that the risk is low and the consequences not life altering. I don't see the harm.

[brittone2]

well, I didn't mean to imply that I agreed w/ o_mom verbatim, but that I thought she raised valid points.

Apparently that wasn't clear enough from where I placed my response.

I specifically said it wasn't something I'd be comfortable w/ for my family, and later specified that if it was clear in the OP that it was of high cultural importance to her, that might shape my opinion differently.

Nak with wigglying nursing baby in lap, so I'll leave it at that. I wasn't offering an unsolicted opinion to the OP.

[o_mom]

I specifically said in my post that I can agree infant ear piercing is not particularly harmful (but not harmless or without risk). However, just because something is part of someone's culture does not mean that it is right or that they have an absolute right to do it with no limits.

[MelissaTC]

I would do it. I come from a Latin background as well and all the female members of my family and social circle growing up all had pierced ears. I will be piercing my DD's ears when she comes home at the Ped office. If she decides when she grows older that she doesn't want them, then she can take the earrings out and let the hole close up.

When my friend took her DD to get her ears pierced (at 4 months), some friends went with them and brought their 2.5 yr old DD. Their DD begged for her ears to be pierced too so they did it. She is 8 years old now and still has her ears pierced.

[Aarohismom]

Ear piercing is a strong part of my culture (India). In my opinion it is very important to study, learn and respect any culture and its traditions before calling them unethical. NAK.

[o_mom]

I am aware that many cultures hold ear piercing to be very important. Just because something is part of a culture, no matter how strong the tradition, doesn't mean everyone has to agree with it or believe that people have an absolute unfettered right to do it.

[pinkmomagain]

I had my two older daughters' ears pierced at 4 yo. I didn't want to do it earlier because, I too, didn't want to do something to their bodies that was decorative that they didn't ask for. At 4 they started noticing earrings, saying they'd like them. I took them for piercing. No big trauma, no problem with infections or allergies. My now 11 yo hardly wears earrings, and my 8 yo wears the same pair all the time, never changes them. I suspect I'll handle things the same way for my now 2yo dd.

There is no right or wrong on this issue. Everyone does what's good for their family.

Gina