What do write in condolence cards?

[SASM]

My best friend's father passed away recently, very unexpected and very tragic. I am soooo at a loss for words. I've had the cards in hand for her and her mother but I am numb. My emotions are so jumbled ~ I cannot "untangle" my emotions and put into words exactly what I want to express. I went home with my family to attend the wake and funeral and that made the emotions that much more heightened. My hope is that by writing this and getting someresponses I might be able to get through the emotional mess and find my words. Please help me.

TIA!

[nov04]

I focus on what I *know* that person feels. If they had a really good relationship with their parent I would focus on how much I know they miss them, what that parent added to their life, little things I remember about the parent. And finish with offering help in any way possible.

Personally, when i'm grieving, I just want recognition of what I'm feeling. Not being made to feel like I should move on or act a certain way. It sounds like you're a caring friend already and she'll very appreciate anything you say.

[MamaMolly]

ITA with the PP. If dad was a jerk in life, it will only hurt her feelings more to act as though he was a saint. But most every child feels deeply the loss of a parent, jerk or not.

You need to make your words personal. When my lovely aunt passed away, the funeral home set up a basket to put notes in about memories of the departed. I don't think many people did, it is hard to know what to say! But I just jotted down a quick reference to thier first date. It turns out that it meant so much to my uncle, it brought a flood of happy memories, of the date, of the teasing that went on for years about that date. He made a point to let me know how much he appreciated it.

I'd say that you are so deeply sorry for her loss. Then I'd say something like 'do you remember when..." and tell a silly anecdote that you remember. Then add that you are wrapping your arms around her and keeping her in your prayers.

Then, if you can, get your butt over there and help her with the details. Things like addressing thank you envelopes for the condolence cards and flowers. Picking up her drycleaning. Buying stamps. Watching her kids while she has a bubble bath. Holding her hand. Picking up some pantyhose in a dark color. What ever.

HTH,
Molly

[skygoddess]

I think you've gotten some excellent advice in the previous responses. I lost my dad last year, and I just wanted to stress that it's really not that important what you say or write, just that you say or write *something*. It can be a very simple "I'm so sorry for your loss, and am thinking/praying/whatever for you." A memory would be great, but is not necessary, especially if you didn't know the deceased well. You can even go to the card store and look at the writing inside some of the condolence cards if you're really stuck for words. Don't worry about it being perfect. Just do something -- it really hurts to lose someone and to find your friends are avoiding you because they feel uncomfortable and don't know what to say.

[MelissaTC]

I would say something along the lines of "words can not express..." since well, you are having such a hard time. In difficult situations (and if the recipient believes in God) I write "I pray that God grants you the strength you need to get through this most difficult time". Sometimes I write "May God grant you solace and peace in the wake of this tragedy" or something along those lines.

I am so sorry for your friend and her family. And I am sorry that you lost someone you knew so unexpectedly. :(

[JenaW]

S

Big Hugs, Hon. I have been meaning to call and see how your legs are doing ;)

I have learned from my friendship with Kathleen (who lost her DD Claire - a preemie born a few weeks after Natalie - at 8 months) that just acknowledging her loss helps. Mention L's dad by name, and let her know how sorry you are. Let her know how hard it is for YOU to express what you are feeling, and acknowledge that you can't even imagine what she is going through. I agree with the PPs ideas of putting in specific instances if you can, either experiences you had with him, or things that L had told you that stick in your mind. Maybe draw on DH's experiences when his dad died. Also, just remind L that you are there for her. Given the circumstances, I am guessing she is probably still numb, and now that all the hoopla with the funeral has died down and friends and relatives have gone home, the grief is starting to set in and it is really hitting her that he is gone. I know it is hard for you to do much right now, since you are so far away and can't travel, but just let her know you are there. Call her. Let her talk about her dad if she wants. Let her talk about her pregnancy or whatever else is on her mind. You guys are close. She will know that this is hard for you, but belive me, she will also appreciate each and every effort you are making. You ARE a great friend!

Jera
Mom to Carter ~ 05.13.03
Madigan ~ 09.28.04
Natalie ~ 09.17.05 (born at 25 weeks!!)
Alexa ~ 11.03.06

[gatorsmom]

Sharyn, sorry to hear you are going through this. Been thinking of you and the baby (and how it seems like you had that baby eons ago and when the he** is it my turn? :))

I haven't read the other responses which are probably very good, but I remember the cards I appreciated the most after my mother passed away. I really liked the ones where someone mentioned a nice memory they had of her. Something to the tune of: "J was so friendly and generous. We always enjoyed the cookies she brought over every Xmas." Or, something like, "J loved to laugh and could always make me smile." Or even a nice story. I actually enjoyed getting cards like that.

On the other hand, you could simply say in the card how you are feeling. That you are at a loss for words, how tragic and unexpected this is and how your heart goes out to your friend and her family. Then wish her peace and comfort at this time. You can't go wrong with well-meaning, heartfelt thoughts, IMO.

Lisa
Mom to Gator July 2003
And Cha-Cha July 2005
and surprise! twins due 11/07!

[overcome]

Most of the sympathy cards I write are not for ppl I am very close with. It is usually the older relative of a co worker. My standard is "I know the fond memories you have of your --insert title here...mother...father..etc-- will warm your heart and help you as you greive during this difficult time." Just b/c it is my standard, does not mean I don't sincerely mean it...I do!

Now, when my best friend's father died, I wrote something much more personal. I agree with PP to simply write something like you are so shocked you don't know what to write but you are thinking of her and greiving deeply for her and her family.

Good luck

[almostmom]

It is so hard to find words to write.

I usually say I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you find some moments of peace in this incredibly sad time.

[StantonHyde]

I lost my mom last year and I cannot tell you how angry the following words made me"

What are you going to do about your Dad? (no recognition that I had just lost my mother and he is fully functional, thank you)

She is in a much better place. (Let me tell ya, lady, my mom would have gladly gone to hell for eternity if it meant 20 more years with her grandchildren)

What meant so much to me:

I am so sorry for your loss.
May God give you what you need to get through this time.
The wonderful stories her colleagues told.

I saved all the cards and have yet to go through them, but I plan too. They had a memorial for her at the University about 3 mos after she died. I was ready then to listen to the stories and I loved them.

Since this person is your best friend, make sure you check back in a month after the numbness is gone and she really starts hurting. She will really need you then.

[SASM]

Thank you so much for all of your VERY helpful suggestions. Reading through the responses really helped me to find my words...Thank you! For those of you who lost their loved ones and shared your thoughts/experiences, THANK YOU SO MUCH and I am soooo sorry for your losses.