SAHMS...did/do you have any regrets about staying home?

[mamica]

...or, was there an adjustment period you went through, and how did you deal with it?

We are re-evaluating life a little now with 2 dc, and I'm contemplating staying home. It's what I always thought I wanted, but it's scaring me a bit for a variety of reasons.

I'm just wondering if anyone has any BTDT advice in making this decision, and if I decide to SAHM, any advice in the transition?

Thanks to all!

[wencit]

I can't speak for other SAHMs, but for me, it was definitely a huge adjustment, even though it was what I thought I wanted since I was a young girl. I think it might be less of an adjustment for you, since you already have one child, but after having been independent for 10+ years, staying home with a baby just kind of turned my life upside down. I mean, having a child in and of itself is life-altering, but to have no mental outlet, nobody to make conversation with, no external validation of all your efforts, no income....it was all a big adjustment for me.

The biggest thing that helped me was to look up my local mother's club and get involved. In that way, I found the creative and social outlet I was craving, and I didn't feel as isolated anymore. It really saved me. Despite the hefty cost, I also enrolled DS in Gymboree (you can't put a price on my sanity), and started making a conscious effort to get out of the house and do plenty of activities.

Like I said, it might be easier for you since you already have one child (or maybe not, depending on logistics). And just know that if you do try to SAH, but it doesn't work out for you, you can always go back to work if that's what makes you happy.

[hobokenmom]

I don't really have any great advice on how to transition to being a SAHM, but I did want to share my struggles with it.

I have been a SAHM for about 9 years now, and I am so GRATEFUL that I am able to stay at home with my kids. I know there are so many women who absolutely need to work to pay the bills.

I am currently going through a bit of a midlife crisis though, and I'm not sure what the solution is. Being home with my children is very rewarding, BUT now that my children are in school, I FEEL LIKE MY JOB IS BEING A MAID. I went to college and even got a masters degree and now I'm a maid. And I'm not even very good at it, and I guess that's what frustrates me the most. I don't like to cook and clean, and I feel like all I do is put stuff back where it belongs all day long.

I've contemplated going back to work because maybe that would make me feel more fulfilled, but I know in my heart that that is not a good solution because I'd still be responsible for the same household crap that I deal with every day.

My husband works very hard and makes a lot of money (and really doesn't bother me about how I spend it), and I know that we are VERY VERY lucky to be in the situation we are in. But...still....at the end of the day.....I am a maid.

Sorry to hijack your thread about being a stay at home mom. I hope I didn't scare you. Being a stay at home mom is probably the most rewarding job, yet difficult job in the world, and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

ETA: I've read all the other posts, and I completely agree that it's important to have a network of IRL friends if you're a SAHM. I feel so lucky that I live in a small town (yet it's quite urban) and I "run" into other moms every single day, even if we don't have any playdate or get-together planned. I feel like being a SAHM in a suburban town where you drive everywhere has the potential to be very isolating.

I'm thankful that I've never had those issues. It's just the household management ones that I have!!

[maestramommy]

I don't have any regrets about being a SAHM at all. That said, there was an adjustment period, and now that I'm into my third year, I'm still working on finding a groove. It's always a work in progress, nothing ever stands still. That can be good, because there have been times, esp. recently that I've started to feel kinda in a funk about my life at home. Knowing that everything is temporary helps.

I would say the 2 most important things that have made it workable are 1) my dh, and 2) being part of a local moms group. For the first, my dh totally understands how hard it can be to be a SAHP, because he has been alone with the girls for short periods, and that is enough to convince him. Even though it doesn't seem like you accomplish that much in a given day, you're still exhausted, and he understands why. Also, he understands the monotony that can set in. So he is very helpful with household chores, and helps me with the girls when he's at home. Besides his specifically designated childcare responsibilities though, I do have to ask him whenever I need help, because he needs direction. That's a point I had to realize because I used to wonder why he didn't jump in when I obviously needed a hand. Turns out he just doesn't know what to do, and he doesn't want to disrupt our routine.

For the latter, having other SAHM friends to hang out with is key to fending off the feelings of isolation. If I didn't have any IRL friends to hang out with the days would be long indeed.

It's also important for me to remember that some moms have a zen to be SAHMS and others don't. I happen to fall in the less endowed category and that's okay, I'm still a pretty good SAHM. I don't need to feel guilty about dropping off the girls at the Y childcare so I can work out and take a shower. Or I don't need to feel like I should do all these craftsy things or sign up for tons of classes, or bake cakes or plan elaborate birthday parties. I do what I can, and I know it's good enough. My girls are happy and healthy, and I'm getting healthier and happier. I think that's about all I can ask for right now.

[o_mom]

No need to write my post - here is is.. Just a few years from now.

[gatorsmom]

I always knew that being a SAHM was what I wanted for my family but I agree that it takes some adjusting. I really missed the comraderie of my office job. And I had a hard time at first finding SAHM friends with children my age that I clicked with. And I agree that the tasks involved with being a SAHM are pretty rewardless and monotonous (the cooking, the cleaning, the hawling butts from one activity to another, etc.). But on the other hand, I've found ways to keep in interesting (like keeping it challenging by having more kids :)). I've started researching our family history so I can pass that down to my children. I have kept up my fluency in French and try to pass that on to my kids. I am active with my mom's group. I've really researched healthy eating and when I"m not hugely pregnant with twins, i make healthy, interesting meals for my family. I've just decided that this is my job now and I'm trying to excel at it. As for some of the more monotonous tasks like cleaning, I've worked it out with my husband that I do filing here at home for one of his businesses and in return we have a cleaning crew come 2x per month. I hate filing but I hate cleaning more. Also, since keeping house is MY job, I call the shots around here. The kids are responsible for keeping their toys picked up (for the most part) and I remind everyone when the cleaning crew is coming so they can pick up and put things where they belong. My job is to teach everyone else what their responsibilities are.

So, to summarize, if you look at this as your new job, it CAN be challenging. And like any new job, it will have it's pros and cons but I think most SAHMs feel the pros outweigh the cons.

Lisa
Mom to Gator July 2003
And Cha-Cha July 2005
and surprise! twins due 11/07!

[MamaMolly]

>>>no external validation of all your efforts, no income....it was all a big adjustment for me.

My thoughts exactly! DD is a little over a year, and it has been such an adjustment. I think the hard part is wrapping your mind around the intensity of it. My freak out moment was just before DD was born and we moved, and I was setting up utilities at the new house. They asked for my employer's phone number and I was like...um...I'm unemployed??? I wasn't used to being a mom yet, so I had such a hard time with it. I was ashamed not to have a job, if you can imagine that.

The other thing that was a struggle was how DH changed in relation to money. When I was bringing in $$$$, he was much, much more open handed about my spending money than he is now. In truth, it is a big issue for us and causes a lot of resentment still.

But I love being with her, even on the bad days. My sister has a DD that is 3 months younger than my DD and my sister works full time and is the breadwinner in her family. I wouldn't trade places with her (on most days!) even if I had her juicy paycheck. Now that being said, I called just today about a part time job!

My advice is to look at your finances carefully. One way to get a good feeling for what it would be like is to live on just one salary for about 2-3 months. Set aside your income in a special account and see what it feels like to live on just that one income in a very realistic way.

I also totally agree with the pp that you have to have people to hang out with. I've joined 2 mom's groups, and it really helps to have other moms to talk to.

I think of this time as a gift to DD and myself. I love those mundane, run of the mill but oh so sweet special moments we share throughout the day. Like when she puts a cheerio in my mouth and laughs her head off.

Good luck!
Molly

[niccig]

Yes and No.

The No Regrets

I love my son and I love being with him and seeing him grow. He's nearly 3 and started preschool 3 mornings a week. It was difficult for me to let him go that first week. We've gone to lots of classes, but this time I was letting someone else help him on the playground, get his water or comfort him if he was upset. I'm barely keeping a handle on things without adding my stress that a job would bring.

The Yes Regrets

I wasn't fulfilled with my job (reference law librarian), and I wanted to go back to graduate school (archaeology). The plan was to study a little now and to go full-time student when DS is a little older. But I feel that I may be too late. I'll have 6 years of graduate school and I'll be over 40 and looking for my first academic teaching job, in high competition with more candidates than jobs. I read a magazine about young innovators, and they included people in my chosen field, all under 35 and having achieved so much, when I haven't even started. Sometimes I wish I had gone back to school before DS was born and juggled the study and being a mum.

My other regrets is in total agreement with Amy's post above. I feel like a maid. I haven't been able to find the challenge and satisfication that others have posted about. It's the H part in SAHM that I struggle with most. Again, I agree with Amy that a lot of that would have fallen to me even if I was WAHM. My DH can work crazy hours, today I'm expecting him after midnight, and on the weekends we want to have family time and not be all about chores. But I get really angry with why I have to call to schedule the plumber, DH has a phone in his office, he says he doesn't know my schedule, it's easy from 1-3pm I'm home for naps.

My sanity savers
Our playgroup, YMCA childcare, one night of classes and a sitter for 6 hours a week. For the last 2 years I've volunteered with an archaeologist as her research assistant. I'm working on several projects with her and will have two publications in the next year. I hope my work for her helps me get over the late start I'll have as an archaeologist.

Despite my regrets, I think given the choice again, I would still be a SAHM. I have time with my smiling munchkin and I'll just have to work out how to achieve the career goals. Now as for the H part of SAHM, that I think I'll never come to terms with, housework is never ever ever done...

HTH and thanks for posting this, I feel a little better for having vented. Nicci

[Snugglibumkins]

I had a really hard time with the transition and I will be honest to admit that there was a part of me that struggled a little bit with feelings of depression after the change. Because I worked so hard to get to my professional level, then all of a sudden that part of me was gone. The new me spent all day cleaning and preparing meals and doing laundry, etc. About 3 months after becoming a SAHM, someone asked me how it was going and I said it would be fabulous if my kids weren't there all the time. It isn't that I didn't enjoy spending time with them, I didn't understand how to budget my time and work in much needed breaks for me.

I'm back to working on my career goals. I'm sitting for the IBCLC exam next July to become a Lactation Consultant. I've started a new moms' support group in my area and stay very active in my church. I CRAVE non-mommy things sometimes.

I love being able to stay home with the kids, I have a schedule that helps me manage my time during the day. And I homeschool, so no running out of the house at way too early in the morning, scraping snow and ice to get to school/work.

As far as money, I did leave a rather lucrative position and money is tighter, but we budget very good. I take out a certain amount of money at the beginning of the month and that is my play money for the month - this month I am getting a much needed haircut, and buying some new running socks. I'm so exciting, I know. lol

[BeachBum]

No regrets here. Not that there aren't some downtimes, but regrets? No way.
I guess part of it for me is that it isn't all about me and if I'm happy or not. It's about my son--the fact that HE IS HAPPY with me.

The beginning is really tough because you can't take a newborn to the playground and bump into other moms. You have to make an effort to do stuff and get out of the house. My BF sells real estate, so in the beginning we would meet for coffee or lunch and that might be my "big event" of the day.

I also think that many moms quit SAH before they get a good routine going. They think it is always as hard/boring as it is the first few months. It's not.
Often I think career moms can be the best SAH because they are more likely to make a change of pace, research new activities, and "do" stuff. They are less likely to sit in front of the TV all day and be content doing that.

I guess I also look at it like being with DS is my responsibility. The housework gets done if I have "extra" time. If DS wants to do stuff with me, great! Or if he is playing alone I'd do stuff. But I don't put him in front of the TV so I can do housework. I don't stress about the fact that he kept me from getting stuff done. I look at it the other way--I don't want housework to keep me from fun, learning, loving activites with DS. DH and I do housework together or alternate when he gets home from work and on the weekends. I don't walk around feeling like all those things are on my task list. I think this perspective has a lot to do with me being happy.

If you think that money will be tight for you--I do think that suggestion of trying living on one salary for 2,3 months is a good one. I will also say that when you are at home you tend to spend more money than you might otherwise. It is easy for shopping to become recreation :)

[KBecks]

I agree with the my job is a maid / cook / servant to the children feeling. It's good but it can be depressing at times, especially when you feel like you get no me time and little intellectual activity / interaction.

Plan on getting out of the house. My lifesavers are a moms group, and a gym with childcare. I also work part time (very limited hours) and that has been good for me to still have a connection to real work and a work envionment (and I hope it will make the transition back to F/T easier down the road.

I feel like a failure many times because the house is not clean and the chores are constant. But the boys are doing great and that is my accomplishment!

I have zero regret about staying home. It's not perfect, it's challenging but I consider it one of the best things I'm doing in my life.

[tiapam]

Not to hijack, but GET A CLEANING SERVICE NOW! SAHMS can have them! It's legal. I finally did it this week, and I cannot believe I waited so long. It felt like a religious experience. Four women cleaned my whole house in one hour and ten minutes. And they did a great job. And lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. I had to restrain myself from hugging them. I did not realize until now that trying to clean and thinking about trying to clean were taking up way more energy (mental, physical) than they should have. As Oprah says, LIFE CHANGING. I feel so freed up to do other things. I am mostly a SAHM but I do work a little, like 4-8 hours a month. I think I will increase the hours a little so I can better keep up with my profession. Then when I want to work even more, I will be up to date.

So my only regret is not getting a cleaning service sooner.

-Pam

DD - 3 YO

[jillc]

Hi there,

Just wanted to agree with the previous posters about joining a mom's group. I became part of one when DD was 8wks old, and we are all now an absolutely wonderful network of friends. My mommy friends keep me sane & it's great to have days where we meet up at the mall, the park, etc.

I quit my corporate job & became a SAHM right after DD's birth, so I don't have any insight into going from a working parent to a SAHM.

No regrets for me. Even on the tough days, I'm so glad that I'm able to be the one taking full time care of my kids. There are definitely sacrifices, but they're worth it. ;)

Good luck with your decision.

Best,
Jill

[momtoonegirl]

I do not have any regrets about staying home. I think in the back of my mind, I wanted to be a SAHM for some period of time after having children, but didn't fully think out all of the logistics until I was pregnant, and DH and I had to.

DH and I have similar jobs which require long workdays during the week and weekends(sometimes 60+ hours), which we knew would not work well with having a young child. That said, we then decided I would not work from the time DD was born until she started preschool. We prepared in advance by essentially living on his salary and saving most of mine for that year. Financially, we are doing ok with only one salary, but we have only planned for about a 3 year hiatus from me working, and then me returning to work likely part-time. If we have another child, I still would return to work in that time frame.

The type of job that I have requires me to keep up my contacts at my previous places of work, and many of the women that I did work with who have children (which are few, and most work part time) I have kept in contact with. They are very supportive in my decision to stay home, and they help keep me up to date with my work environment, and that has helped with the transition also.

I agree with the PP that it is important to find a mom's group or find some activity that you enjoy to help break up the monotony. I don't belong to a mom's group, but I do try to make time to meet up with friends occasionally and leave DD with DH.

I am also glad to hear that others have gotten some help around the house like getting a cleaning lady (maybe I need to mention it to DH ;) ) This would also be a great help. I have been very hard on myself lately about the house not being as clean as I would like, while still taking care of DD, doing all of the laundry, cooking daily, etc.

Like others have mentioned, there are challenges with being a SAHM, but if it is something that you have thought about, give it a try. I am certainly glad that I did.

Good luck in making your decision :-)

(edited to clarify)

[hobokenmom]

Okay, so now you're probably going to tell me that I am the lamest SAHM on the planet because I already have a cleaning woman who comes twice a week and I still feel like a maid. I honestly don't clean anything -- it's the putting away of stuff, and doing the laundry, and taking care of other household stuff that makes me feel like a maid.

There is definitely a part of me that feels like I am acting like a spoiled brat, but I also feel like I have some legitimate issues here. I'm trying to train my children to put stuff away, and to help out with household chores, and I also need to work on getting my husband to help out too, with little things. It's just a matter of human decency. Sometimes I feel like I'm trodden upon by my husband because he works "oh so hard" to make all the money.

Why do I have to pull the plastic from all the drycleaning out of his closet every few days? Why does he leave a dirty plate sitting in the sink, after I've put all the dirty dishes into the dishwasher hours earlier? It would take 2 extra seconds of his time.

I know I have some communication issues with my DH, and we need to work on it, so I'm spending a lot of time lately contemplating my life and what it's become.

Really.....I wouldn't trade being a SAHM for anything.

[pinkmomagain]

Just another SAHM here to say "no regrets - whatsoever!" I do not miss work -- one iota.

I have been a SAHM for 8 years now. I have the type of personality that enjoys being on her own...I don't need alot of friend-time. That said, I do enjoy talking to other moms at the park or at the kids' schools, etc. And I have family close by, who I am very close with. I have a weekly cleaning lady, so that helps with the overwhelming housework. I do look at my "work" as a challenge...I feel proud of myself when I figure out how to solve a problem with the kids, or around the house, try a new recipe or when I get a lot done. I don't need too much external "praise" (for lack of a better word), although it's always nice when the kids or DH compliment my cooking :-)

I love that I am so accessible to my kids....if they are sick, no problem, they stay home and I take care of them. If they forget something at home, I run to school to bring it. If they want a play date after school, or chose to do an afterschool activity, I'll drive them. When they have a crappy day at school, I'm right there to talk it over with them when they get home. I help out at their schools when I can. I cook a hot dinner on most days and I'm happy to be able to give them that.

I think that when they are babies it definitely is harder....but I think it is sooooo rewarding as they get older.

Gina
dd's: 11 yo, 8 yo, 2 yo

[bisous]

To the OP, I don't really have any regrets about being home. I know that this is just a season of my life and I feel blessed to be here--I know that not everyone can.

Being a mother was a really tough adjustment. Leaving a stressful job that I didn't really love wasn't so hard at all.

To Nicci above, I read this a few days ago and couldn't not reply. I just wanted to say that I just got an M.A. in History and completed the whole process after DS was born. I'm interviewing for an academic position at a JC in two weeks. No it isn't necessarily the path I would have chosen pre-DS but I'm pretty excited. Originally I wanted to graduate from a top university with a PhD but realized I really couldn't commit to that kind of effort--especially with my DS' medical condition. I went to more of a "teaching" college instead, got the degree I wanted and now I'm interviewing for my dream job (one class per week so I can be mostly home but still get to get out once in awhile).

I'm not sure if this will help at all. You're probably brilliant and could get a degree from Harvard. I just want to say that there are ways to get where you want to be. I think you can do it! :)

Jen

[momofmany]

I've been a SAHM for 7 years and we have 4 dc (ages 13 - 5). I left a great career in financial management with no regrets, but lately I've been wanting more. I love my mom job and I know I'm really good at it, but the repetitive tasks of home care, child care, and being the overall go to person is really wearing me down. I have no outside help, no family that I can rely on, and I have a small part time job that's very flexible so I feel like I always have something on my plate. I have a great network of friends. I also volunteer alot for the children's school and I home educate my oldest.

I think aside from the financial aspect, that being a SAHM can be hard on a marriage - at least it is for me. My role at home really frees up my husband to put alot of time into his demanding job and he takes advantage of it. He has no responsibilities to our family during his work hours, which means I take care of all the appointments, schedule, projects, etc. Most of this works better for me, but some days I'm really tired of dealing with one crisis after another on my own. This has probably gotten worse over time and I wish I had done a better job earlier in the SAHM years in expecting more of DH at home. I never get a day off or sick day from him - and it would have been alot better for our relationship if I would have insisted on this in the beginning.

I wouldn't trade being at home because it's really important - but also know it takes alot of communication and it's hard.

good luck!

[hobokenmom]

Thanks so much for posting this......It's always reassuring to hear that there are others in similar situations to yours. I know how you feel.

I also have some communication issues with my marriage, and I know we need to work on this a lot more.

Being a SAHM is rewarding, but it's not an easy job.

Big hugs to you.

[pinkmomagain]

My dh too is very into his job and helps much less than many dhs I hear about. It did take awhile for us to figure out how our roles were going to work and we never really sat down to discuss...it just sort of evolved.

Here's how it works in our family/marriage: He enables me to be a SAHM, he makes himself available all weekend, doesn't go out with friends or golf or anything to take away from family time outside of work, takes us out for meals all weekend so I don't have to cook, lets me have a cleaner 1x week, overlooks the mess the house is in for the rest of the week (starting with 10 minutes after the cleaner leaves), lets me spend pretty much what I want (within in reason) on me and the kids. Now there are times when I still get nuts with the kids/house/etc and he will give me a little time to get out, but mostly I rely on family/babysitters for that time and don't really expect that from him. I feel that he works very hard and I don't want to put him to "work" when he is at home. He does help out around the house when he wants to, but resents if I ask him to do things.

I think every marriage is obviously different. And it takes a while for the two of you to sort of figure out how things will work. I know for us it did take years, but I think we are both pretty happy with how things work right now for us.

[niccig]

Thanks Jen. I would be happy with any teaching job. You are right, there are ways to get where you want to be, and where I want to be pre-DS and post-DS are different things. I've been a little down lately, I'm having trouble with my thyroid, so everything seems so much worse, but it should be fixed in a couple of weeks.
Thanks for believing in me. And congrats on your MA and you dream job!

Nicci

[JBaxter]

I have been both a working outside the home and a SAHM. When I was 7 months pregnant with Nathan I stopped working and I NEVER EVER missed working. Maybe because I knew how much i missed by working when Logan and Connor were little, trying to schedule dr visits, play groups do laundry clean house grocery shop etc. It was the biggest relief of my life not to have to work outside the home. I dont have to "guess" if I should take N to daycare if he looks a little feverish I get to stay at home and snuggle.

He is also sick much less than my other 2 were. In 4 yrs he has had 3 sick visits one ear infections, strep throat once and croup.

Some advice would be locate a local moms group ( Mom's club is national, MOPS etc) also look for something like a little gym or the YMCA usually does toddler type classes you can meet other moms with children the same age. Local liberaries have toddle story times ( usually free) ours also rents videos.