When will I be in the mood for nooky again?

[MartiesMom2B]

I'm posting in the MommyFit forum in the hopes that none of the guys ever look in this forum. Sorry guys, but I think this is best for the ladies to handle.

Anyhow, DH said those words to me the other night. You know something along the lines, that he's waited long enough. Don't get me wrong, he wasn't a jerk about it, but I'm just not in the mood for romance. I think its funny especially b/c I was so randy during the pregnancy and he kept saying no. Now the tables have turned.

We have tried once, but it was painful and I think I've been avoiding it since. I don't know if its due to the pain or the fact that I feel like an orca whale or that I'm tired from mommy-ing all day. Any tips? I swore I wouldn't be one of those women who has no interest in sex, but now I am. I will get in the mood again, right?

Sonia
Proud Mommy to Martie 4/6/03

[cindyl]

yes -- it took me a while and it was uncomfortable at first (my ob said it had something to do with hormone levels, particularly when i was breastfeeding). but it got better and i definitely got more interested. i think things really started to improve around 4 1/2 months after she was born. and i wasn't interested AT ALL during my preg, so my husband was REALLY patient. my daughter is 6 mos now and our sex life is back to normal.

good luck!

[mamahill]

Oh Sonia - I hear you sister! It's so hard to meet the demands of this small person, your own demands, and then that of a lover. Good grief - a body can only do so much!:)

The first few times were very painful (and I was trying to remember that I had healed down there and wouldn't split back open:)). Your hormones are all wonky right now, so make sure to have some type of lubricant (Astroglide is great). Also, I can't remember but if you're breastfeeding, that dries you up, not to mention completely diminished ALL erotic feeling in that area (for me).

The good news? You will feel randy again:). Granted, I didn't feel like my breasts were anything more than functional until we weaned (and even then it took a couple months). I am now back to feeling like they ARE sexy again, however deflated.

If I had ANY inkling of intimacy, I didn't let DH know right away. Rather, I worked at it mentally. I need a LOT more time to warm up. Pamper yourself. Do your make-up. Pick out new lingerie. Light candles. Then, when you present yourself to DH and he realizes what's in store, you're already feeling pretty good about yourself, and then let nature's instincts take their course.

That's what I did, and it has served us well. And I should add that being well-rested is a huge plus. I told DH from the beginning that if we didn't "start" before about 9:30, then it was a no-go for the night, since by about 10 I'm looking at the clock thinking, "Sex or Sleep? Sleep, of course!"

Good luck!

[mamahill]

(Sheepish grin) Obviously I lurk in MommyFit, but dare I post about exercise? Ah well, I suppose this topic counts... if it was happening 5 times a week? Hmm...;)

[JulieL]

Well since I had a c-section I wasn't tender or pulled out in that area. I heard doing kegel exercises is sappose to help with that oh so good feeling! Honestly (we are being frank right?) I can achieve orgasim much better than before I was pregnant. Although getting to it was the hard part. Being so tired, thinking about a messy home needing to be cleaned, oh yah and making dinner (maybe) is ssssoooo much. Truthfully we only get hanky panky about 2 to 3 times a week, which I think is pretty good, but it's no 5 times (mamahill you are crazy!!!-but hopefully fun!) Plus who has time for making a romantic mood (candles, or ligurie) I don't! It's more like are you in the mood, ya, then bam! Tell him to woe you so you feel more like it. Not necessarly foreplay, but flowers, back rubs, and so on. I need more to be put in the mood and to clear my mind!!! I bet the need comes back!

[KMommie]

Oh, Sonia! I'm right there with you. DD was born 12 days after your Martie and my DH is just the same as your DH, the same attitudes and everything. My DH isn't a jerk about it, he's been very patient, as I wasn't in the mood at all during my pregnancy---but his patience is wearing thin, since he feels like it's been a year since things were "normal". Actually, I guess it has been about a year!! Yikes!

Like you, we tried once, it was painful---but not as painful as I thought it would be. Lubrication helped but I swear, I don't think I'm the "same" anymore, could I still be healing? I felt like I got a reprieve as DH felt so badly for me, and hasn't brought it up since. I'm hopeful that things will eventually get back to normal.

I also feel like I'm tired from mommy-ing all day. I think if we had the time to do all the romance, I might find it more appealing, but give me the choice of romance or sleep and I'd definitely choose the later.

So, I don't have an answer for you, but I'm so glad you posted this, I feel much better to know I'm not alone.

Jeannie
mommy to Kiki 4/18/03

[mom2kandj]

You need to make a date with DH and yourself too! Do you have someone who can look after martie (hopefully at their house)for 6-8 hours? I would start with a nap then a long hot bath followed by a manicure/pedicure then get dressed up for an evening out/dinner with DH. It'll probably make you feel a lot more human and not so mommyish. You need to make time for yourself without your child so that you are still you and don't see yourself as an extension of Martie. You will be sooooo surprised and maybe even a little bit guilty at how pleasant and relaxing it is to go out without the little one. Make dinner around 6pm so that if you do feel up to it, it won't be too late in the evening for fun. A lot of times, my DH asks after 10 or 11 pm and the shop is closed for the day! LOL! :) When given the choice, sleep usually wins, but sometimes I fall for the line "you'll sleep better afterwards..." Even if you and DH don't fool around, you'll be better off having taken some time for yourself! Good luck!


Rose
mom 2 Katie (31 months)
& Jack (15 months)

[JulieL]

Oh I am so laughing while I read all of your experiances because I sssoooo am there too. I completely get the sex or sleep, sex or sleep, sex or sleep, SLEEP!!! And my "shop" is also closed after 10:00, although sometimes that is the only time we can get it in, isn't that aweful! Ok I do have confession for just you gals. I count how many times it's been for the week and make sure it's been twice even if I am not totally up to it, because I too feel guilty for DH to go w/out. I love making love to my DH but too much gets in the way!!!

[candybomiller]

Sonia,

Boy do I remember being where you are! My best advice: Get as drunk as you possibly can! I am (slightly) joking. Have a glass of wine or something along those lines to help you relax. It'll help a lot!

Candy
Mom to Matt
5/22/02

[barbarhow]

You guys are way too funny. But I must say you all offer late night shopping compared to me!!! No nooky after 8pm. Too tired. I have found that before dinner is the only way. Afternoons are even better. Not that I have a lot to go by-My few "shopping" sessions are hardly anything like the sprees that mamahill is having.
My landscaping has definately changed which is really weird to get used to-but it is definately less painful than the first time. However, it helped immensely that on the night of our anniversary my MIL took DS to her house. We had a glass of wine that we brought back from our honeymoon-totally relaxed and had nooky as our appetizer so to speak. Then a fabulous dinner that we cooked together. Early in the evening, no baby to worry about interrupting-made it that much easier and less nerve racking.
Don't stress it-
Barbara-mom to Jack 3/27/03

[liya]

ahummmm.....well...........OH MY GOD THANK GOD IM NOT THE ONLY ONE...!!!!! AAHHHHH i was begining to think i was some type of freak the only problem is that DH has also got this SLEEP, SEX...SLEEP!!!!!Mood...You know i know it has to do with the fact that Arian is sooooooooooooo hyper and we are both soo tiered after 9pm but seriously i think a little has to do with the fact that i feel like an orca whale too....and the fear of making another little one...AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH since i can use any type of contraception and the latex free condoms(avanti) are sooo expensive...Just my excuse ;)

Anyhow i do suggest you have a night out with DH with out having to worry about Martie....But i dont know how possible that is for you...

Hey heres an idea, do it while your MIL is in town...lol Just to snipe her....;)

[mamahill]

Oh no! 5 times a week - RARELY that much, I just meant that it could qualify as MommyFit *IF* it was that much, bc isn't that how many days you're supposed to work out?! haha, LOL - best keep this topic from DH's eyes or he may think I'm waving the green flag for every night. We're at about every other night, and that is PLENTY (she said).

Side note - did anyone see the Oprah where they had sex at LEAST once a day if not more, and if they had it more than 7 times a week then she got $20 each time? Yuck! I can just see it now, "I bought this new stroller with my extra-sex money!"

[lukkykatt]

Phew! Mamahill, you really had me scared there for a while! I was going to ask you exactly how you go through your day so that you can fit in 5 sessions per week! Around our house, I strive for 2, and 3 is really good!

I am right there with Julie, I admit to being a "counter". If it has only been 1 time, then I try to get in another one right under the wire. DH was afraid we couldn't handle having 2 children, since we are transplants to our area, ie, no help nearby. I am determined to prove him wrong, even if it means less sleep for me! :)

For Sonia, I agree with everyone else - alcohol and lubricants are the way to go. Even my OB recommended that course of action, much to my embarassment! Also, if you are BF'ing, things will probably get better once you stop. Something to do with the hormones wreaking havoc on your sex life. Another thing, if you are BF'ing, and anything like me, maybe you could nicely steer your hubby clear of your breasts while you are in bed. I know I freeze up when DH gets anywhere near them - I am thinking "get away! those are the baby's right now!" And the pain does get better. I had 3rd degree lacerations with my first delivery, and it was really painful for awhile, but got less and less painful as time went by.

Is Martie sleeping through the night yet? That will make things easier too - once you don't have to worry about whether or not she will sleep through your whole "session".

[peanut4us]

I love this post. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Seriously, just last night I was contemplating whether I should go into THERAPY because I am so completely not interested in nooky at all! I feel so much better now.

I do have to say that it hurt like hell the first few times and I actually DID tear! That was 8 weeks after delivery. But my OB gave me some estrogen cream I am supposed to apply 2 times a day to help cell regrowth, and honestly it has seemed to help.

I just can't wait for the day when I actually think... ooh I want to do this too. Right now he's lucky about once every 1.5 to 2 weeks... and I think his patience is wearing thin. I can tell when in his sleep he's coming on to me ;) Let me say there AIN'T NO WAY I'm getting up in the middle of the frigging night for sex!

Poor DH. This too shall pass.

[MartiesMom2B]

Linda:

I wish I could do that while MIL is in town, but my parents are here staying with us too and MIL wants us to have dinner Monday night (her last night). BTW can someone send me some ear plugs and a huge a$$ thing of tylenol. That woman can talk and talk and talk (unfortunately she's like a record on repeat and doesn't have anything new or interesting to add to a conversation).

We did have a second attempt, it was still painful. :( It'll get better. How do people have more than one child again, especially those who have them so close together.

Sonia
Proud Mommy to Martie 4/6/03

[mom2kandj]

Believe me...#2 wasn't supposed to be that close to #1! LOL! My OB/GYN told me to call him when I cut down my nursing sessions and he would adjust my presciption for the pill! Let's just say that when I called him about the change, he told me I was preggers again when #1 was 9 months! ;) YIKES! After #2, we went a different route with the BC and life is much better!

As for the nooky, it does get better. My DH is much more conscious of making me feel beautiful, attractive and loved. He knows that I need more time to warm up and that if he puts in more work, the result is better. Also, I'm also learning that he doesn't always need me physically. If I'm not in the mood, I know that cuddling and helping him out is okay and he appreciates the effort. HTH!


Rose
mom 2 Katie (31 months)
& Jack (15 months)

[gayletmom]

I hope you all don't mind me just jumping in here but the subject line caught my eye while I was browsing and the posts are so reassuring. I too, have wondered if there was something wrong with me! Luckily, dh is understanding but a man can only be patient for so long! I know the waiting would drvie me crazy if the shoe were on the other foot (and I wasn't in my "I have no libido but have small children and babies instead" stage). Anyway, one suggestion that worked for the me the first few times was to get on top. It let me control the pressure and position which allowed me to relax a little and not think so much about whether it would hurt. I also second the motion for gobs of Astro Glide.
HTH. Thanks for the support.

Gayle
mom to ds,dd,ds & #4 due in Nov.

[alkagift]

Sonia,
THANK YOU for asking this question, I was asking myself this same thing--when, oh when, will this be the least bit interesting to me??? It's been SOOOO long, I'm embarassed to say. 5 times a week seemed out there, but hey, to me, so does TWICE! I know I'm going to have to do this for DH's sake, but it's so not appealing right now. It's not even that I feel like a whale so much as a doddering FRUMP! How can you seem sexy when you're in your pajamas until 11:30, no makeup and no blowdried hair? Oh, and did I mention the LEAKING?? That will put you off!

Allison
Mom to Matthew Clayton, 5/19/03

[liya]

OMG.....soooo on the dot!!! i swear you just described my everyday mood....sigh hubby is lucky if he can get it even 1 every two weeks...i think i feel to much like a cow though...sigh and these strech marks arent helping one bit!!!

[friedmana1]

I have been wanting to post on this thread since the moment that it came up, but I was having problems with my computer! UGH!

This subject just hits to the core of everything that I have been feeling for the last 18 months!!! I know that most people want sex more when they are pregnant, but not me. I was so nauseous and sick all the time, and then I was having bleeding (so sex was prohibited), and then I was having early contractions (ditto), and then I finally gave birth, and thought that things would finally be getting better!

But, I still have mostly NO interest, and it is NINE months later. I am still breastfeeding, and on the mini-pill, both of which can impair sex drive, according to my OBGYN. But that doesn't help when you have a husband that hasn't had a normal sex life in 18 months!!! I am trying, and I do try to have it 1-2x per week, but I would much rather sleep! It's crazy! But, frankly all of the suggestions here have been great, and I have been a little more in the mood lately. Sigh.


Aimee

Mother to Leah 10/26/02
http://mystudio.kiddiekandids.com/home.asp

[KathyO]

I can't help it - I gotta get in on this one too!

Genuine desire did not kick in until a short while after I weaned my daughter. NOT that I'm telling anyone to wean for this reason - I am a huge fan of the benefits of breastfeeding, but once it's worked into our daily routines, I think we tend to forget what a large extra load it places on your metabolism and energy levels. Not to mention the hormonal changes. And the wear and tear on what used to be two of our favourite erogenous zones. I agree with Vicki Iovine - medical professionals don't do us any favours when they declare that we're completely "back to normal" after only six weeks. There we are at six weeks (or twelve months) still sexually Dead On Arrival, and terrified (with our mates even more so) that the bottom has fallen out FOREVER! I promise... you WILL get randy again - this IS temporary!!

And oh, yeah, did it hurt for a while, getting back in the saddle again (so to speak). Like being a virgin all over again, but with bone-crushing fatigue to spice up the mix... It does pass. I second the votes for alcohol and Astroglide. Foot and back massages too - demand them!

Hang in there,

KathyO

[MartiesMom2B]

Foot massage, foot massage, foot massage.

Hmmm the alcohol doesn't work so well when your DH says "What you have to be drunk to have sex with me" Sigh. . .eye roll.

Sonia
Proud Mommy to Martie 4/6/03

[liya]

lol.....nope just say....Honey i need to take Martie off my tit for a while and feel like a woman instead of a milking cow and then i can do you without alcohol......lol........

So the foot massage worked for you.....BUZZZER!!!! EEEEEHHHH!!! not on me....lol...im seriously waiting for a itching come back...Damn and i used to be so good at this too....:P

[friedmana1]

Yeah, I hear what you are saying...It definitely helps to know that when I wean things will get better, but in the meantime things are just terrible. DH and I were talking the other day about our "favorite" topic, and he said that he feels guilty about wanting me to give up breastfeeding just so that our sex life will be normal again, but he's not sure how much longer he can last like this! Do you guys think that if I go off the pill, and use some other form of contraception, my drive will get any better? I am planning on weaning around 1 year, so it's only about another three months until that happens.

Aimee

Mother to Leah 10/26/02
http://mystudio.kiddiekandids.com/home.asp

[friedmana1]

LOL!!!!!

Aimee

Mother to Leah 10/26/02
http://mystudio.kiddiekandids.com/home.asp

[MartiesMom2B]

When I got off the pill my drive was up there. I do have an IUD in place now.

I think that I need some more factors for me to feel va va voom-ish again, which includes no breastfeeding, weightloss, alcohol, foot rubs, alcohol, flexibility, alcohol. LOL. I'm really not a lush. I swear!!!

Sonia
Proud Mommy to Martie 4/6/03

[sntm]

I'm going to have to look in this forum more often ;)
I've been feeling guilty because we have tried twice and it was just too painful and DH is looking a little pained now from waiting! As an added aspect, to get me in the mood, he has done some nice things for me <blushing> so I've gotten my kicks but none for him. I keep trying to motivate myself to do nice things for him <blushing furiously> but I am really too tired.

Also, beware of the combination of alcohol and backrubs. complete snoozefest on my part when we try that (but, oh, how nice...)

shannon
not-even-pregnant-yet-overachiever
trying-to-conceive :)
PREGNANT! EDD 6/9/03
mama to Jack 6/6/03

[gitapet]

What's worked best for me is weekend mornings! DH has discovered that if he gets up when Ian does at 6:30ish, feeds him and keeps him happy til he goes down for a nap at 9ish, then comes back to bed I will often have had enough sleep to actually be physically able to respond to his suggestions. Needless to say I now get to sleep in most Saturday mornings :)

Things are starting to get better - time has helped, sleeping through the night has helped, weaning has helped (just did that a couple weeks ago), wine has helped, the first few months lots of lubricant was ESSENTIAL.

Given how un-sexy I felt while PG my husband is more than ready for me to be "back to normal". Of course, his idea of normal never has matched mine but that's an entirely different problem.

[sntm]

would be nice, but currently Jack rejects the idea of naps on the weekends unless he is being held. misses us too much from the rest of the week, i guess.

trying again this weekend. never thought sex would be something on a "to do" list.

BTW, DH wanted me to convey to everyone that "men don't understand not being in the mood. we can't even comprehend that. we just feel like you don't find us attractive."
great...now i feel better... :o

shannon
not-even-pregnant-yet-overachiever
trying-to-conceive :)
PREGNANT! EDD 6/9/03
mama to Jack 6/6/03

[MartiesMom2B]

Shannon:

Oh no is that what they think? I can see that. My DH gained "sympathy" weight while I was preggers and is very paranoid about it even though honestly I can't tell that he gained weight.

Sonia
Proud Mommy to Martie 4/6/03

[friedmana1]

Shannon - Oh...I hear you. My DH keeps saying, "What's wrong with me? Am I doing it wrong? Are you not attracted to me? It must be me!" UGH! I keep trying to tell him that it's me, not him - but i feel like I am using one of those standard rejection lines from the movies. :)

Aimee

Mother to Leah 10/26/02
http://mystudio.kiddiekandids.com/home.asp

[Torey]

This is a great post! I thought I was the only one (or at least DH thinks I am). At 7 1/2 months post-partum, I'm still rarely interested. Course DD refuses to sleep throught the night and Bf'ds like crazy, so I'm exhausted and drained. Still, it is sad that things were uncomfortable during pregnancy, and are still somewhat so now. I feel very awkward since it has been so long since I felt normal and DH is starting to feel like things have always been this way. Sigh.

[KathyO]

One thing I have learned in this whole baby business (which leaves me only a million or so more things to learn...) is that every stage seems to last forever... until you're out of it. Colic lasted forEVER. Teething lasted forEVER. The toddler-you-can't-take-your-eyes-off-of-for-a-second stage is lasting FOREVER!!! Not that I dislike parenting or our baby, but whatever stage I'm in, the others recede in my memory to vague, brief shadows.

And the no-libido, why-have-sex-when-I-could-sleep stage lasted FOREVVER, to be sure. Until it ended, and I wondered what I had been so worried about.

So - this is not intended IN ANY WAY to belittle what you're going through - this is intended as reassurance that although you feel like the dust is lying heavy on your erogenous zones, and you wonder if you might as well just give up and buy yourself a lifetime's supply of Geritol and hang up your lacy panties forever... it does end. Honest. Your inner vixen is not dead - just resting. She WILL be back. And you can tell your DH I said so.

Cheers,

KathyO

Just for the record, things started picking up when I weaned, and when DD finally stopped waking up at night - both around the 1.5-year mark. Whenever you do decide to wean, commemmorate the occasion by buying your breasts a couple of nice fancy new push-up bras. Panties to match if you can afford 'em. They made me feel younger and slimmer, which was a nice boost to my self-image - which is a good start on the road back to your sexual self.

[newbelly2002]

Okay this is a *very* frequent topic of conversation in our house.

I will say that once I went off the mini-pill the drive picked up again, and the pain lessened (this also coincided with weaning so it was a double-whammy). For the 11 months post-pregnancy before that I had not the slightest interest, and if I *did* have interest, that interest was quickly killed by the pain.

So there is hope in sight.

Since then, things have been better. We're not where Sarah is (Wouldn't DH be a happy man!), but we're getting along. It feels good to actually feel desire (and desirous) again. To be honest, the first few times I felt it, I don't think I even recognized what it was! As Kate said, I'm not advocating weaning for this by any stretch, but merely offering another potential and future green light.

PS I also took "The Girlfriend's Guide" suggestion and told DH no nooky for 3 months PP. This at least took off the 6 weeks pressure. And when the Dr. said 6 weeks, DH said WHAT?, and I told him the Dr. was a man and had no idea what he was talking about.

Paula, Mama to Dante
http://www.shutterfly.com/osi.jsp?i=67b0de21b32384e84594 -6/25 update

[mamahill]

DH didn't even attend my 6-week check-up for that VERY reason.

And I should clarify, it's every other night on an optimal week (sleep, no AF, sleep, I've been working out, sleep, happy, sleep, etc.). Really, I guess I made myself out to sound like some sex fiend (which DH most certainly wishes I was), when I'm actually more of a back-rub-and-sleep fiend...

[MartiesMom2B]

Oh come on Sarah, don't let us down by saying that you aren't having "fun" 5 nights a week. We look up to you. You are our nooky queen ;) Seriously an optimal week for us is once a week. LOL. But Ainsley is older than Martie.

Sonia
Proud Mommy to Martie 4/6/03

[mamahill]

And the age (and weaning) make a HUGE difference!! I didn't feel like instigating until we weaned, though I'm glad we bfed as long as we did. In the meantime, I will work on deserving the title of nooky queen... haha! We ARE going to vacation soon... ;)

[celfsh]

>You are our nooky queen ;)

LOL! Maybe Sarah should change her screenname... :)


celeste
mom to olivia 9/25/02

[deborah_r]

I didn't respond to this post originally because I have no clue when I'll be in the mood for nooky again! I don't know if I remember nooky. DH was too paranoid after about month 3 of pregnancy, so it's been on hold for a while!

Anyway, I had to laugh because I was on mothering.com and people who co-sleep were discussing whether it's OK to have nooky with dd or ds in the bed (I was pretty amazed by some of the answers, but everyone's different and I'm not judging) But I really had to laugh because I know that can't happen in our house because DH freaks if the dog is even in the room at the same time! :) "he's looking at me..." hee-hee

I should tell him if he was looking at me he wouldn't know the dog was looking at him! :)

Anyway, still waiting for the nooky freeze to end here in balmy Pasadena...

[MartiesMom2B]

I saw that heading but didn't want to actually look at it. Nooky w/ child in big. Uhm no I just can't. Come on everyone knows how traumatic it is to catch your parents doing "it". Aaaah happy thoughts, happy thoughts.

Sonia
Proud Mommy to Martie 4/6/03

[jbeamer]

I completely understand! When I had Madison (3/28/03) I tore inside my vagina and I had a 3rd degree tear on the outside. I was just starting to sit without a donut pillow at six weeks. At my six week checkup I couldn't have the pap because I was too sore down there. A month later I had the pap but was still tight and sore. The doctor said it may take about six months before I completely heal. Six months!! So, now it's been 5months, we keep trying to have "intimate relations" and everytime is better than the last. It is really hard to fight throught the pain, but the more we do it the less pain I have. Emotionally I wasn't interested in it until about 3mo? I think, do darn tired. Still am tired but I miss the intimacy with my husband. I am using Vitamin E and that has helped a lot.

Don't worry it will get better!!

Jen