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sntm
10-02-2003, 11:00 AM
edited


shannon
not-even-pregnant-yet-overachiever
trying-to-conceive :)
PREGNANT! EDD 6/9/03
mama to Jack 6/6/03

lukkykatt
10-02-2003, 12:48 PM
I think that the answer is that it depends. With my first delivery, I had second degree lacerations, and I didn't even start trying until about 8 or 9 weeks pp. The first several times, the act was not finished, because it hurt too bad. Then, for several months, although it hurt less, I could still feel exactly where my stiches had been.

With the second, I just had a small episiotomy, and it was much much better (compared to the first).

My ob had recommended a course of alcohol and lubricants for the first few "sessions". Have you tried that? He also warned that it might take some time before we could finish.

sntm
10-02-2003, 02:06 PM
we've tried and it doesn't seem to make much of a difference. plus, any alcohol and i am a snoozefest.

shannon
not-even-pregnant-yet-overachiever
trying-to-conceive :)
PREGNANT! EDD 6/9/03
mama to Jack 6/6/03

mamahill
10-02-2003, 08:29 PM
I would preface this with a major TMI, but let's face it - you wanted info.:) Those who MIGHT find it TMI wouldn't be reading this thread! So here goes...

The only thing I can really recommend is that you have to be "broken in." The first few times were NOT enjoyable, thus adding to me not wanting to do it (as if the fatigue wasn't enough). But part of me knew it would get better the more we did it, so I just forced myself to do it. It sounds horrible, but after a few times (doing it 1-2 times a week at LEAST), it did get better - not fantastic, but not painful. A while after that I actually felt like instigating it. I definitely recommend buying stock in the KY or Astroglide companies. I also recommend going out and buying yourself something sexy. You may not feel sexy right now, but getting myself all "done up" definitely helps at getting me ready. I would say you're definitely normal, though, especially if your DH is (ahem) well-endowed.

Although it might not be a relaxation issue, it could very well be a mental issue. For me, I really saw it as something else on my checklist of things to do. So while I was laying there thinking, "I'm relaxed!" I was also thinking, "Is that the baby? Does she need to be fed? Is he touching my boobs? Oh, not the boobs - they're the baby's right now. Is my milk going to let down? That will make a mess. More laundry. Did I use the last detergent today? Oh, I forgot clothes in the dryer..." and so on. I don't really have a fix for that, other than try to make your mind slow down and focus on one and only thing - feeling good. I've learned a lot about getting what I want out of sex, and demanding that I have a good time. Sometimes all I want is to go to sleep, but I've got to admit I've never had an orgasm I later regretted. For some reason, me taking what's mine turns DH on, so we both win.

Just food for thought. Stick with it and it gets easier. And better. And awesome.

MartiesMom2B
10-02-2003, 09:11 PM
Is it bad that it's been so long that I can't remember if still hurts or not? lol

I think Sarah is right. You do need to be broken in. It's kind of like you are a virgin again. The tiredness does go away and it does get better. Lubrication in the form of astroglide or KY is a must. TMI alert -> along with the lubrication extra longer foreplay is a must. I think after having a baby, the engine needs more revving up.

Sonia, who's blushing away madly.
Proud Mommy to Martie 4/6/03

KathyO
10-02-2003, 09:49 PM
Yeah... I used to say it was like virginity all over again... but without the thrill of discovery and the teenage body to go with it! I'd say it took a good couple of dozen times for everything to settle back into (so to speak) the groove. And the fatigue factor is a whole separate issue - for that first whole year, I was consciously deciding between sex and sleep, and it was a tough decision a lot of the time!

I am totally pro-breastfeeding, for at LEAST a year and hopefully more, but Shannon, I do promise you that once you wean (not overnight, but starting at that point) you will start to recover your inner wanton wench. It really does bring home what a major extra metabolic burden your system was carrying while you lactate. Not to mention the lubrication issues associated with breastfeeding hormones.

I also absolutely agree with Sonia about the importance of foreplay. If you're too tired for anything very inventive, I always found that receiving a good back or foot rub helped me "change gears". Not to mention the starting up the good arousal endorphins, which help a lot on the discomfort front.

HTH,

KathyO

AngelaS
10-03-2003, 06:24 AM
Sarah is SO right! I totally agree that you have to shut off your brain to the 'to do' list and turn on the 'do me' list. :D

MartiesMom2B
10-03-2003, 08:30 AM
Yeah we have a book that I gave DH one year for Valentine's day and I threw it at him at told him to study it. LOL.

Sonia
Proud Mommy to Martie 4/6/03

jmofarrill
10-03-2003, 08:47 AM
You know, it's been so long, that when I made advances at dh last night, he didn't know what I was talking about! LOL - poor man! Dh wasn't interested in me AT ALL while I was pg. I asked him one time if he still found me attractive, his response "Yes... with your clothes on." (Yes, I punched him for that one.)

So, it's been awhile. I finally had enough last night and told him it was now or never, so he agreed. It hurt so bad afterwards, I used the pain-spray the hospital gave me after I gave birth, and I was considering making a compress! This morning is much better, though, and I think it's just going to take a few sessions before it doesn't hurt again. I agree with the virginity part; it's exactly what I told dh last night afterwards.

sntm
10-03-2003, 09:11 AM
not-even-pregnant-yet-overachiever
trying-to-conceive :)
PREGNANT! EDD 6/9/03
mama to Jack 6/6/03

peanut4us
10-03-2003, 11:39 AM
Shannon--get some Premarin topical cream. It's wonderful. I kept re-tearing (ouch!) even after 3 months. So my OB/GYN gave me that to help rebuild the cells??? In any case, I used it morning and night for about a month, and voila.

mharling
10-03-2003, 12:46 PM
Whoever came up with 6 weeks as the magic timeframe was off their rocker! We tried at 6 weeks and there was NO WAY it was happening.

We're almost to 6 months and it's STILL not like it was. I did have an internal tear, so I'm sure that has made a difference. The first few times (I think it was around 10 weeks) I was very honest with dh and told him that it was much more 'for him' that it was for me. I didn't really enjoy it, but knew I had to do it if there was any hope of resuming normality. It's much better now, but it's still a little sore 'getting started'. I tell dh he has to go very slow and stop when I tell him to. Once we get past that, everything's fine. And yes, lots of foreplay. Only foreplay for the first little bit is fine too. ;) Is it still foreplay if that's all there is?? :)

Mary & Lane 4/6/03
http://www.shutterfly.com/osi.jsp?i=67b0de21b32e1840e40d - New 9/8

mamahill
10-03-2003, 01:43 PM
oh sister - as much as I prefer to get "mine" before intercourse, I have found that intercourse is actually easier BEFORE my turn:) - the reason, we discovered, is that once you have had your orgasm, all your equipment is swollen. It's easier for DH to go in when I'm turned on and lubed, but haven't climaxed yet. So there's something to think about next time. And I hear you on the well-endowed issue -- it's because of that that it's at least twice a week (nothing like a regular workout to keep everything in shape;)).

With how busy you are with Jack AND your work, I applaud your efforts! Don't worry, you'll regain your temptress abilities. And I agree with KathyO - although I am a bfing advocate, I couldn't believe how much it affected my hormones and just the whole way I perceived myself (more motherly, functional rather than attractive, etc.). I definitely rediscovered that pre-pregnancy spark. Hang in there!

alkagift
10-03-2003, 01:50 PM
I have been so afraid of even starting this with DH--but I'm starting to dream about it, so I assume that means my MIND is willing. I had a horrible episiotomy that took 8 weeks to even remotely recover and I am so freaked that this will be too painful.

And one more TMI question. I bought some Astroglide and when I opened the box it was a liquid, not a gel. Wouldn't the gel be easier to deal with?

Allison
Mom to Matthew Clayton, 5/19/03

amyinNC
10-03-2003, 02:13 PM
Ok, I'm a major chicken here. It's been 12 weeks and 2 days, and I still haven't let my husband do anything. I keep hoping that if I keep waiting - it will hurt less. But from this thread, it sounds like I just need to get the first few times over with??? I had a really terrible tear and I don't want to associate pain with sex. Plus, with breastfeeding, I am not the least bit interested.... The whole issue is terribly depressing at this point.

Amy

jmofarrill
10-03-2003, 02:27 PM
Amy -- It was almost 21 weeks before dh and I bd'ed again (last night!)! He was almost oblivious to my advances, poor man. I had a pretty bad tear, too, and while I can't quite remember what the dr said when he started stitching me up, the word "reconstruct" was said, so it must have been pretty bad. It did hurt last night, and I did have to use a pain spray afterwards, but it doesn't hurt at all today. Oh, and I wore my nursing bra b/c dh is a bit grossed out by "stuff coming out of them". Dh was so excited afterwards that he asked if we could do it again tonight! ;)

MartiesMom2B
10-03-2003, 04:09 PM
I have KY liquid and it's good. Just squirt a big amount on you and your DH. I should've gotten the Astroglide because I think the KY is too sticky.

Sonia
Proud Mommy to Martie 4/6/03

Momof3Labs
10-03-2003, 07:52 PM
Just wanted to throw another thought into the mix...

I had an absolutely awful time the first time we tried after Colin was born. Think broken glass on my hoo-ha (is that a medical term?). I had a third degree tear, and felt like I tore all over again (actually, I felt like I had given birth again - and no, DH is not THAT well endowed). I posted on my babies born in October board, and found someone else who had a similar problem - it was actually due to granulation tissue, when tissue grows over the scar tissue, or something like that, and YES, it hurts like hell! My OB did some painful manual removal in her office, and after a week or so of healing (it only hurt for about a day), we tried again. Better, but not quite there. So back to the OB. This time, she told me it was just scar tissue that needed to be stretched out and sent me home with the Premarin cream with orders to rub that on and stretch daily. I admit that I didn't follow her orders, but it has gotten much better since then. I still get some discomfort, but definitely tolerable now.

Bf'ing doesn't help at all, either with sex drive or with lubrication, but now that we are past the one year mark and Colin is doing mostly solids (and AF is back), things are getting better.

calebsmama03
10-03-2003, 11:05 PM
I am 7 mos PP today and your post just solidified that I really need to go see my OB. It is awful every time still, and I didn't have a huge tear! I only had one stitch, but it popped 5 days after he was born and I don't think it healed correctly because of that. I thought I was just being silly, or that BFing is the cause of it... I'll have to call on Monday. :(
Lynne
Mommy to Caleb 3/3/03

Momof3Labs
10-04-2003, 09:41 AM
Lynne, I hope that this is the answer for you!! I was also very reassured to find other mommies who experienced exactly the same thing. I thought that I was just being a wimp, but that wasn't the case!

mamahill
10-04-2003, 11:24 AM
I was telling DH about this thread last night and he said, "You told her to try woman on top, right?" Hmmm, no. "Well didn't you prefer that so you could control it?" Hmmm, yes. Then he says, "It's like ripping off a bandaid." What?! "Well, I'd rather rip off my own bandaid than have you do it." Good point my man. So there's another recommendation - woman-friendly positions;).

peanut4us
10-04-2003, 08:07 PM
Hooray. It really didn't hurt, the whole time! I think Sarah's frequency tip is probably right on. This was (TMI) the second time this week. And I think that made a huge difference.

now that I've got the pain thing down, on to the whole orgasm thing. I confess, I'm still "doing it for him." Guess, I'll have to start working on that concentration thing.

So glad all you gals are willing to share ;) We are all "normal"!

jojo2324
10-04-2003, 09:48 PM
Shannon, just so you know, my DH is a dope. As is my hospital. They were throwing around literature with the words "three weeks" all over it. Egads!! But DH clung to those two words like he was SO deprived. Anyway, yeah, it hurt the first time. (Ummm, I think three weeks and 4 minutes...Who's the dope here, for saying yes? :)) The first few times really. It was actually quite troublesome for me, because we had FINALLY overcome some strange anomaly with my hoo-ha (Lori, it is SO a medical term! :P) where I wasn't in tears following sex. And with that situation, what worked was gritting my teeth and bearing it. It took several years.

But it's good now. Like KathyO has said many times, post-partum orgasm for me has vastly improved, which I didn't really think was possible. We aren't completely weaned yet, but only down to one feeding, and that has helped dramatically, especially since those are at times way more important than certain other areas. ;)

One thing I've found is that I am unable to clear my mental checklist. I can't. BUT I have found that when I made sex more of a priority than say, organizing the bathroom towels, I wanted it more. To be honest, in the beginning it was like one more thing I had to do. And I MADE myself do it. But ask DH right now, and he is having to fend me off. :o I suppose I'm stocking up reserves for that three week drought...

edited to add: One note about the suggestion for more on top action...That was my preference, until I gave birth. Then something happened. I think my bladder shifted or something, so now I always feel like I have to pee...It hurts my stomach a little bit. We're working on it, because I definitely miss it, but have found ways to work around it. Just my thoughts...

KathyO
10-05-2003, 08:49 PM
>>edited to add: One note about the suggestion for more on top action...That was my preference, until I gave birth. Then something happened. I think my bladder shifted or something, so now I always feel like I have to pee...It hurts my stomach a little bit. We're working on it, because I definitely miss it, but have found ways to work around it. Just my thoughts...

I agree. Experiment with positions, even ones you were iffy on before. No, nothing too athletic... things like what I call the "sleepy" position (man lies on side, woman lies on back almost perpendicular to him, with legs together and over his hips) and others. And if you're having depressive thoughts about your post-baby body, invest in a nice silky negligee or something that feels nice on the skin and makes you feel like a Woman of Sin. Nothing that requires too much effort to get on and off, though - you'll just say "aw, crap, just forget it!" and that's not what we're driving at here...

Cheers,

KathyO

alkagift
10-07-2003, 10:08 AM
Hey,
I just wanted to note that I read an article just Saturday (amazing timing) about how for some women, they REALLY need to see their OB because Physical Therapy can do wonders. Basically some women need to stretch those tissues as Lori mentioned. I thought that Kegels were the fix-all. However, the PT that was quoted in the article said that sometimes the muscles "need to be lengthened first, then strengthened." That made a lot of sense to me. In any case, it seemed like there were these very helpful techniques that could be used by the PT that you could then do at home to help and that it shouldn't be painful--stretching seemed to be key.


Allison
Mom to Matthew Clayton, 5/19/03

JulieL
10-09-2003, 08:47 PM
I am so sorry that you removed your posts. I suppose you did that because of Flaggers post on "Thank You". I understand and am so saddened that it made you feel so uncomfortable that you felt you needed to do this. Flagger should have taken a moment and realized that this was an intimate discussion and that a man was not welcomed. It is so difficult sometimes to even admit to yourself that you are having hardships. Even harder is it to bare them to an unknown audience for the chance that you could find out you are not alone. Shannon please don’t stop your “confessions” to us. We gals are here for you to lean on.

peanut4us
10-09-2003, 10:27 PM
OK--I know guys can technically read these posts, but I am mortified to KNOW that they do. I remember hesitating to share as much as I did on one of the posts in here. But I did, because I trust you all. And I know you understand, in a girly way. It's going to take a lot for me to post that kind of info again when this topic comes round another time. I hope that I will have the courage to do so (but I don't know, *sigh*).

And please don't flame me for just stating how I feel.