Coming out of the closet

[jojo2324]

I think I have a serious problem with food. The best term to classify me is probably binge eater. But only certain foods, like chocolate, cake, cookies, chocolate cakes and cookies...I don't restrict food, and I don't make myself throw up, but I am getting more and more disgusted with myself.

It all just hit me a few minutes ago. My mom sent me home this past weekend with a chocolate pound cake. I think it's made with yogurt. She would take them from the restaurant she works in...They're absolutely divine. So moist. Well, I unwrapped it last night. This is a large cake, probably the size of a loaf of bread.

There is 1/3 of it left. I don't think DH has even had a slice of it, maybe a small piece.

What is wrong with me?!?! I sit (actually, usually stand) there, stuffing my face, and think over and over, "You're disgusting, this is disgusting, what are you doing, what are you doing to your kids...Why, why, why??? Why can't you stop?"

Now, I don't eat sweets every day, all day. I eat healthy foods at meals. (Well, not entirely healthy, but pretty darn good and balanced.) We might get a box of Entenmann's doughnuts once every couple of weeks or once a month. The problem is, the box will be opened at night and gone the next afternoon. Or, with cake, I won't cut myself a slice, but rather many "slivers." But 48 slivers later, and I've eaten 2/3 of a cake. By myself. Usually within the course of a day. :( I will say that I've been making lots of cake lately.

The worst part is I know what I'm doing is awful. And given that I'm one of the most sedentary people on the planet, it's deplorable. Heart disease runs in the family, and that doesn't deter me. Diabetes runs in the family...I suffer from hypoglycemic spells sometimes...and that doesn't deter me. DH was just diagnosed with high cholesterol, and still he eats poorly too. To top it all off, and here the guilt just comes pouring out, I think Sorrel might have a reaction to chocolate and I CAN'T STOP. I just can't. Sometimes she's fussy, sometimes not, but it's usually in close proximity to a chocolate binge.

The sad part is I'm 24 and grossly out of shape with awful eating habits. Sometimes I lose my breath doing the easiest of things. I've got two kids, and I don't want them to lose me at 30 because of my irresponsible behavior.

I mean, it's easy to brush off sometimes. I'm young, and not overweight. Not in shape, but not overweight. But if my two kids don't make it click for me, then what else will?

I'm not trying to act all woe is me, but is anybody else struggling with this? How do you get past it? It's like mommy brain and being ditzy...It's even more compounded because I REALIZE how ditzy I am most of the time, and yet I can't seem to do anything about it.

Okay, witching hour has arrived and I hear a cat barfing somewhere. There are few sounds worse than a cat ralphing...

[mamahill]

Oh Joanne! You KNOW I'm right there with you on the bingeing some days. I do have to say that finally getting to the point where you can't take it anymore really helps. Once I get so sick and tired of myself, I do get back on the exercise wagon.

First of all, you're breastfeeding, so you're more inclined to cravings and hunger bursts. This is going to sound boring, but have sources of protein (cheese, lunchmeat, nuts - if allergies permit) handy. Allow yourself a small bit of chocolate each day if you have to, but stress the SMALL!

Second, get some exercise. Honestly, it is doing me a world of good. I have more energy. I feel better about myself. Go to Target or Gap or wherever and buy yourself a cute work-out ensemble. I find myself much more motivated to workout if I think I look cute (keeping in mind that I work out INside most of the time - I'm a dork). Do you have videos? I know your weather sucks right now, so going outside isn't much of an option. What about leaving the house for an hour in the morning and going to the gym? Just 20 minutes of cardio a couple times a week to start off is going to help.

Lastly, you're not alone sister. Bingeing is my biggest weakness. And once you start, you can't stop. I know that feeling of, "Why can't I stop? Oh well, I've already started - what's another few bites?" It's awful. But don't beat yourself up over the occasional slip. Make the decision today to be better. It will work out.

In the meantime, substitute applesauce for oil in your cakes ;).

[JMarie]

I'm right there with you - I'll eat half a box of Wheat Thins or three chocolate chip cookies (the big bakery kind...), and then wonder why my pants feel tight. I know I have horrible eating habits and I make it worse by not eating regular meals. I do exercise, but I am still not as in shape as I used to be. That being said, I have recently had a wake-up call...

A co-worker of mine just died of a heart attack. She was 25.

Jennifer
Mom to Aidan Christopher
01/28/03

[jojo2324]

Thanks girls. I put the cake back in the fridge, so I'm at least avoiding it for a while.

I just hate that I have no self-discipline. This applies to many areas of my life other than food. Then I get bogged down about my slacker self and the vicious cycle begins.

But I think back to when I ate 18 Bordeaux cookies while typing up one post. Or a whole bag of Hershey's kisses in two hours. And that's just gross. :(

Don't know where to go from here...But at least it's out there. Maybe admitting it will help me get some self-control. :)

[lukkykatt]

Joanne, please don't be so hard on yourself. First of all, you are nursing, and need extra calories. When you have a toddler and an infant to take care of, it is hard to take the time to make up nutritious snacks. Maybe you can plan ahead and make up a batch of snacks at once, or keep cheese sticks, unsalted almonds, etc. on hand.

Second, I have seen your pictures - you are TINY.

Lastly, I just wanted to say that you are not alone. I always used to eat healthfully, but developed some horrible habits while pg. My doctor kept telling me I wasn't gaining enough weight so I supplemented my regular diet with tons of junk - anything I ever felt like eating. Then I went into nursing like it was an all-out foodfest. I had lost so much weight while nursing my first son that I thought the same thing would happen the second time around...but it didn't. So, here I am with a 20 month old son and still trying to get rid of those last few pounds around my waist (highly attractive) and trying to return to my old way of eating.

PS: Teddy Grahams make a darn good snack that is not terribly bad for you when you are craving chocolate!

[Annette_C]

Ohh Joanne! That closet is getting smaller and smaller with all of us hiding in there!!:)
I can tell you that everytime I've had small children, I've been out of shape and just plain fat!!
It started 25 yrs ago. I was 5'4" and weighed 165!! That was thanks to two pregnancies back to back...and a LOT of compensating!!
I was exactly your age when I decided I had had enough!! I began exercising daily and watching my diet. I lost 45 lbs in less than 6 months! It felt great!! I had more energy than I had ever had and I felt young and sexy again!
You might ask why I needed to feel "young" at 24 but my life was that of an "old" person. Getting married at 17, having two kids by 20, taking care of EVERYTHING while my husband was trying to start a business to take care of us....I had NO LIFE!
Losing the weight and feeling pretty again made me feel better...I kept that weight off for 25 yrs...until now...
So, 25 yrs later, it's dejavou all over again!! When I have no life, I compensate with "treats". Plus, I'm on Prozac and that means : weight gain!!
Let's just say I'm the only one on the South Beach Diet that has gained back weight...how sad is that?!?
For now, though, my main goal is to feel good and I do. I still try to exercise regularly and am quite fit...altough a little fat!:)
So, my advice to you, hon...don't overdo it on sweets but enjoy the moment! When the good weather gets here( if it EVER does!!!), take the kids out to the park or for a walk. When they nap, try to do some kind of aerobic exercise. Even if it's only 10 minutes, it's better than nothing!
It WILL get better, sweetie. I promise!:)
P.S. I'm training Sabrina too...I call this picture, "mini-me"!:)
Annette
SAHM to Sabrina 6/24/02

http://www.windsorpeak.com/dc/user_files/3459.jpg

[Jeanne]

When my first DD was about a month old, I can remember feeding her at 2am while shoving Oreos in my mouth so fast that you'd think I hadn't eaten in months. And then I looked down and my poor baby was covered in crumbs! Pathetic!
But seriously, BF made me hungrier than I have ever known. Don't be so hard on yourself. I think winter also makes it worse. I always seem to gain in the winter months and never during the holidays - just in the months following. And I am also prone to binging on hard candy - the sweet tart kind. I have a real fancy for candy necklaces or any candy along that line. Last year when the Valentine's candy went on clearance, I bought ten bags of this sweet tart type candy and ate every bag within two months! This year I saw it in a Sponge Bob bag. I actually bought six bags for when I come off Atkins. Of course this time, I'll have to use some moderation!
You are not alone!

[egoldber]

Sweetie, first I think you need to be less hard on yourself. You are tiny. But it never hurts to start changing your eating habits. Its better to reach this crisis about your image when you're 25 as opposed to 35! :) In my experience, even though I KNEW I was fat, I just didn't have the energy or strength to deal with it until DD was much older.

What has worked for me is NOT having anything like cakes, chips, cookies, etc. in the house. Not at all. They just do NOT pass the door. Because like you, I have eaten too many cakes by myself or with a little help from DH or DD. But mostly me!

When I started my new eating habits, I went through my pantry and threw away everything that was opened that I didn't want to eat anymore. I gave away everything that was new in box to friends or relatives or the food pantry. After that, I started with a clean slate, filling my refrigerator and pantry with things that I felt good about eating. This has the added benefit of being a generally cheaper way to eat!

I am by no means thin now, but I have lost 22 pound in 18 weeks by eating well (with occasional indulgent rewards around holiday time and about once a week) and moderately increasing my exercise level. But again, I couldn't even begin to think about doing this stuff until DD was much older and started preschool.

Maybe just try to begin by choosing better food from now on and just refusing to bring those things that are your weaknesses into the house?

Good luck!!

[jojo2324]

Thanks everyone, again. Jeanne, I'm laughing at your Oreo crusted baby, but only because I've been there. And then I think, "Oooh, crumbs! What a waste..." Annette, that is just about the cutest thing I've ever seen. :)

This past weekend I've really been thinking about my relationship with food. I grew up with very few sweets in the house. I took tofu lunch to school. I had to ask to drink anything other than water. (It's not like there were many options - OJ.) We were definitely members of the clean plate club. Healthy, yes, but also unhealthy...I would go to my friends' houses and pig out on their soda and Ring Dings and Fritos.

Even now, I don't go crazy and get all sweets at the grocery store. More often than not, I don't. But I had a ding dong moment a couple of years ago when I realized my parents weren't WITH me at the store and I could buy whatever I wanted.

I guess I just really need to reconcile the two mindsets. I am not opposed to having sweets in the home...I just need to work on not gorging myself on them. Moderation...moderation. I also want to try to impart to my kids eating habits that don't restrict the goodies. Because that's what happened with me and it turned into the forbidden fruit. But then there's the flipside...I know people who were raised with a very natural and healthy menu, and they reject most things I would dive into face first.

Of course now, my mom has completely relaxed and my younger brothers and sisters are allowed soda and fruit snacks and all sorts of things I never was.

The weather seems to be on the upswing again...PLEASE stay that way!! :) DH has to go through our village today to drop business cards at real estate offices, so I think I'm going to bundle up the kiddos and walk with him.

Okay, Gannon's sitting on top of high chair. Ha ha, he just fell in the seat and now he's stuck...Off to rescue the stinker.

[JulieL]

Joanne you are so not alone. I frankly don't keep sweets or junk food at home because DH & I will both eat all of it in one sitting, no joke. I also say I can stop and usually go back for more. We do eat sweets but when it takes a special trip to the store we tend to eat a lot less! So even us "healthy folks" really in truth are only healthy because we force ourselves to be. Oh and your not a ditz just a busy mom of two!

[ChrisRapp]

I totally agree with the woman who said to keep junk out of the house - if there are any sweets in our house, I eat them until they are gone, but if there aren't any, I don't miss them. Also, what about buying a jogging stroller and going for light jogs or even walks with the kids? Especially as the weather inproves, that could be a fun way to get a little excercise, especially if you have a friend to join you!

[aliceinwonderland]

I'm with Beth: I have reconciled myself to the idea that if there is yummy sweet stuff in the house, it will be eaten. Soon. Fast. So I just don't buy it anymore. I find fruit juice (OJ, or some peach soda something I get in a can) helps me with my sweet cravings. And fruit. Lots of fresh fruit...I just don't buy or bake cakes, that's it. So, on weekends, when I go out for coffee with DH or my sister, I don't feel guilty about eating some pastry with my coffee. It's once a week, right?

Anyway, I also overeat because I'm bored. i am dreading the stay at home mom stint that I'll do for 4 months. I am just not resourceful at enterntaining myself, and there comes the food.

Granted, I'm 37 weeks pregnant now, but I am like this all the time, not just in pregnancy.

I remember your preggo photo and the ones right after your baby girl was born, and you looked radiant. I am envious of how great you look

Hang in there--(says Eri who ate lunch twice today). LOL

[ddmarsh]

I totally understand where you're coming from Joanne. I grew up with a mother who was extremely restrictive with our food (no pop ever, 2 and ONLY ALWAYS 2 cookies, very little junk, etc.) and it had disastrous results when my sisters and I were older - two of us had eating disorders. There was also such a dichotomous message because at the same time occasionally I would come across junk food that she had "stashed." She tries to pull this stuff with my boys and I've just repeatedly told her that she's not allowed to say anything about what they are eating. I mean my boys are not overly indulged in junk food but nor are they restricted from it, we have managed to find a pretty good balance I think. It worries my much more now with having a daughter since food issues are so much more an issue with females.

Hang in there - you're doing a great job!

[jojo2324]

Yes, Debbie, that was our situation too!!! Talk about a double standard! My mom would have sweets stashed all over the house, for her midnight snacks.

Can I tell you an awful story? I still don't think I've forgiven her. One Christmas, my brother and I each received a box of chocolate in our stockings. This was huge, since we usually got an apple, an orange, and maybe two pieces of chocolate. I was so excited!! But, mysteriously, the boxes DISAPPEARED!! I know exactly where they went - to one of her hiding spots! x(

BTW, how are your DD's hands? Healing okay? I've been meaning to ask.

[ddmarsh]

Oh my gosh that is *so* sad :(.

Would you believe I once found a bag of candy hidden in a shoe box in my mother's closet? I don't even know why I opened the box but was stunned to find a bag of chocolate. Now as an adult I think WTF was that???

She's doing very well and so far no surgery :). Thanks for asking!