Am I the only one offended by 20/20's show on "eliminating" couples

[NEVE and TRISTAN]

Barbara Walters (who I normally adore!!!!!) is advertising a show coming up next week and she even kind of said as if to call it after a game show "who is going to get this baby???????", and then compared it to like survicor "5 couples wanting one baby who will she choose watch them get eliminated"...is this not GROSS...???????????

I have a problem with the plugging of this, I know her daughter is adopted so she is obviously sensitive but this seems tacky to me...
Neve
http://home.nc.rr.com/ourbabytristan
AKA "mama2be"-forgot password
and Baby Boy Tristan born @UNC
Feb 25, 2003
Brother to 3 pups "gees" and 2 kitties

[Melanie]

hhmmm...didn't see it. Do you mean the show is offensive or the way she teased it?

[kijip]

I find the concept for the show really crass. Like a bad April fools joke that somehow made it out of the boardroom...I hope no one watches so that nothing like this ever airs again...vote with your remotes and stay away!

[brigmaman]

Neve, I had lots of questions after I read your post. I did some quick searching. Here is a link to an article I found on a link from the adoption agency's page.
http://www.achildswaiting.com/bw_press.html

I'm unclear about a few things. Do families usually have such a short time to meet with birth mothers? Is this process realistic?
I do agree that the whole "gameshow" aspect of this special is offensive.

I would think Barbara Walters would want this piece to be informative. She probably could have promoted it more tastefully.

[smkinc]

This makes me positively sick!!!!! I read the press release and I can say I would NEVER use an agency that would participate in a program like this.

More of the #$?#@? media hyping how desperate adoptive parents are to get the 'perfect' baby. When in fact there are more babies available than the media would have us believe (yes they may be of a differnt race or have a mental health history or be exposed to drugs/alcohol in the womb--but more times than not--completly healthy babies that need good families!!!)

First off, our agency was VERY up front that a Birthmother this young more likely than not will end up choosing to keep the baby. Secondly, Barbara should know better.

I will not be tuning in for this one. Even if it ends up being tastefully done, the way it is being sold just sickens me.

Okay--got that off my chest :) .

Mary
Mom to Jeremiah 2/4/03
and our 'first' Curie (6 year old Golden Retriever)

[Melanie]

Well, do you think that 20/20 is just documenting the reality or do you think they're creating it? (honestly...just asking...I don't know)

[brigmaman]

I was wondering,too. I know nothing about the process. Did they set up this particular adoption, or did they just document and market it in this strange way?

[sbjf]

CLick on this link and then go to the bottom where it says 20/20
http://www.achildswaiting.com/

Here's another link of interest...
http://boards.abcnews.go.com/cgi/abcnews/request.dll?MESSAGE&room=abcnews_2020&id=38150&move=next

You're not alone. It's appalling!!!!!!!!!

ABC, 20/20, and that adoption agency are getting flooded with emails, calls and letters about this distasteful show/segment.

The other adoption community I visit is in an absolute uproar over it and have begun sending in their emails.

One mom received this letter back from the agency:

The mom wrote:

"A form letter. I'm sure they are getting flooded!"

Dear XXXXX,

I appreciate your letter. Our agency certainly does not want to portray adoption of any kind in a negative light. Unfortunately, we did not have control over how the show was edited. Jessica, the birthmother, wanted to show other women like herself that there is an alternative to abortion. She is a wonderful young woman who cares deeply for her son. We supported her decision to do the show with ABC and are hopeful that someone like Barbara Walters, an adoptive mother herself, will be sensitive to all parties involved.

We hope that there will be a positive message for those in the general
population who are uneducated about the wonderful option of "openness". Our agency has so many wonderful stories of successful open adoptions in which the person who benefits the most is the child.

I know ABC hopes to add entertainment value to attract viewers but, the pro's outweigh the con's in that a large audience of people will now see that this is a loving option for someone experiencing an unplanned pregnancy.

Thanks again for your comments.

Take care!

Sincerely,

Crissy Kolarik, PCC

CO-Director

End letter...............

But what makes me angry is that 20/20 does plenty of serious shows that do not have that tacky 'entertainment value' added for ratings, why would they do that with this topic? They don't need to and it's offensive to all involved.

[NEVE and TRISTAN]

I don't know...but there is a way to document this and it would be a great story....but to drum it up like "survivor" and to say "which family will be eliminated" just makes me sick.

I'm not upset that such a story is interesting or that it is being shown, I think it could be done in a great way...but to describe it the way they are and DRUM ROLL "whose going to get THIS baby??????" is gross....

Might not be to others but it is to me!!!!!!!

Show the interviews...show how the girl interviews...show how she decides....show who she picks...but to portray it like a game show with such jargon is AWFUL!!!!!
Neve
http://home.nc.rr.com/ourbabytristan
AKA "mama2be"-forgot password
and Baby Boy Tristan born @UNC
Feb 25, 2003
Brother to 3 pups "gees" and 2 kitties

[NEVE and TRISTAN]

I haven't even discussed it or seen it discussed in any of my adoption groups...and thought long and hard to not even bring it up, so I am happy that you shared this since I have not seen the buzz...and when I posted it here I had just come up to vent after seeing the ad....

You are correct they do many great shows and don't need tacky advertising...
Again I like Barbara Walters but she deserves any flaming she gets on this one for she might not have written the ad but she was the one reciting it...and she has enough pull to have changed that approach I have no doubt!!!!!!!!

So glad that there is a backlash and I highly suspect they will be changing their method of reporting this...I betcha!!!!

Thank you again for sharing!!!!

Neve
http://home.nc.rr.com/ourbabytristan
AKA "mama2be"-forgot password
and Baby Boy Tristan born @UNC
Feb 25, 2003
Brother to 3 pups "gees" and 2 kitties

[minot]

Sorry.. but I had to jump in here.. as an "in process" adoptive parent.. I was ill at the promo ABC is airing..

As a thinking person, I have to hope that the story itself is not as sick as the promo - but the promo makes it appear that the child is a PRIZE in a reality game. It's sick and uncalled for.

I'm really nervous about what this can possibly mean for those of us waiting with baited breath on an international referral. Last time 20/20 did an adoption expose on the conditions in Romania, etc it caused those governments to shutdown adoptions!

It's a constant challenge to prove to the international community that we as American's plan to cherish and raise their children with dignity. I hope this show does not set any of us back

More than that, I hope the child at the center of this never EVER sees this show. My husband as an adult adoptee was stunned when he saw it and said he could not imagine learning he was the prize in a game..

okay.. rant over..

[NEVE and TRISTAN]

They show the babies picture as big as day....
Is it not the babies story????? Hoe dare they decide for the child...I am just sick over it!!!!
Neve
http://home.nc.rr.com/ourbabytristan
AKA "mama2be"-forgot password
and Baby Boy Tristan born @UNC
Feb 25, 2003
Brother to 3 pups "gees" and 2 kitties

[Elilly]

I totally agree!! Even DH thinks that it is rude and insensitive (he isn't always the best at noticing this type of stuff, so I was impressed). To me, 20/20 is exploiting the process, the potential parents, and the child. I know that this situation is often the reality but making it into a reality TV "gameshow" is completely out of control. As a parent who is contemplating adoption, I am interested in how the process works but will not watch b/c I believe it to be poor journalism and exploitation. If they wanted to do a show on how the process works, then that is a different story. Wow- sorry, I guess I feel a little more strongly about this than I thought.

[malie]

If they want to document the difficult process that a birth mother goes thru and/or the difficult process that an adoptive parent faces waiting to be chosen that would be fine with me (and I'll admit I haven't seen the promo) but to set the whole thing up as a game even if they actually show isn't like that is beyond belief.

It's May so I guess sweeps will be started so they need the viewers. And the sad part about the whole thing is that it will just reinforce for many people the sterotypes that already exist about domestic adoptions

[hjdong]

I haven't seen the promo discussed and the website for the adoption agency seems to be concilatory now - I'm not really sure what it said before. Here's my question - who had rights to allow the child's photo to be shown - the bio mom, the adoptive parent's? Everyone else involved are - kind of - adults, but someone had sign a waiver for the baby. I'm not sure what would bother me more - if the adoptive parents had no control or if they decided allow the baby's photo to be used.

[houseof3boys]

OMG, I saw that commercial and I said outloud to myself "that's disgusting".

I'm with you on the extreme tackiness and distaste.

[ghs517]

Yes, I was offended by the marketing/hype "commercial" for the show. I can only hope that Barbara Walters' status as an adoptive mom will allow her to insert some reality and compassion into the actual show, rather than trying to make this a sweeps week disturbing Survivor wanna-be. I doubt I'll be watching to find out, though.

GHS, adoptive mom

[Melanie]

So has it aired yet? Hopefully the show will be tasteful.

[NEVE and TRISTAN]

http://www.nypost.com/entertainment/19700.htm

I can't say tonights promo was too much better but I did notice it was tamed down some...
Neve
http://home.nc.rr.com/ourbabytristan
AKA "mama2be"-forgot password
and Baby Boy Tristan born @UNC
Feb 25, 2003
Brother to 3 pups "gees" and 2 kitties

[smkinc]

I finally have time to answer questions about the process.

Here is a generic outline of the process (there is quite a bit of variation from agency to agency, but I think this is pretty close)

1. Adoptive families go through the application/homestudy process

2. Adoptive families make a small album showing their home, family, hobbies, extended family, etc.--this often includes a 'dear birthparent' letter saying why you want to adopt, what you are hoping for in an open adoption, if you plan on SAHP, etc.

3. These albums are given to prospective birthmothers when they are searching for adoptive parents. A birthmother will narrow down her choices of adoptive families based on looking at these books, and decide if she wants to meet with any of the prospective adoptive parents.

4. Birthmother/family will meet with prospective adoptive parents---this is called the matching process--A key missing from the promo material's I've seen is that this is also a chance for the adoptive families to decide if this is a birthmom/birthfamily they want to be matched with. Our agency stressed than an open adoption is a lifelong relationship commitment, so if there is something you're uncomfortable about with the birthparent, you may want to decline being matched. There may be multiple meetings before both parties decide that they definitely want to match.

5. Once the match is made, an open adoption agreement is reached (how many visits, picture exchanges, etc.) The adoptive family and birthmother/family try to get to know eachother (build a relationship).

6. Most states do not allow the birthparents to relinquish their rights until after the baby is born. If the birthparent(s) decide to follow through with the adoption plan, typically there is some type of ceremony where the birthparent(s) 'entrust' the child to the adoptive parents--this was easily one of the most stressful, emotional days in my life.

As an open adoptive parent, the things that bothered me most in the original promo were

1. There was no mention of the welfare of the child in the original promo material on the agency website (this link now goes to a letter from the agency defending their involvement in this show). Most birthmothers make the difficult decision to put their child up for adoption because they believe it is in the best interest of the child. They are trying to deal with an unwanted pregnancy in the most responsible way possible.

2. The information presented in this same promo suggested that the prospective adoptive parents were desperate to have THIS child--I can't reference the specific comments because the link changed, but one of the couples commented that it was all about marketing yourselves. Our agency stressed the importance of 'being your self' and that the match process was as much about you wanting to add the birthmom/family to your extended family as being the one 'chosen' by the birthmother.

Sorry this is so long, hope it helps.

Mary
Mom to Jeremiah 2/4/03
and our 'first' Curie (6 year old Golden Retriever)

[malie]

I think that if I hadn't known about the first promo tonights would not have raised any major red flags with me. Barbara has posted a response on the ABC site something along the lines of "we might" have gone over the top with the promos but please don't judge the show until you watch it.

In the end it's all about rating isn't it? I can't really think that the person who came up with the first promo didn't think that it would offend someone or that it won't be considered over the top. But it did it's job if more people watch the show. Personally I won't because whether it is an accurate picture of how domestic adoption works or not is beside the point now. They made a promo that was offensive and made adoption seem like a game with a child as a prize, I'm not going to reward them by watching the show (since I never watch it anyway)

[Melanie]

>2. The information presented in this same promo suggested
>that the prospective adoptive parents were desperate to have
>THIS child--I can't reference the specific comments because
>the link changed, but one of the couples commented that it was
>all about marketing yourselves. Our agency stressed the
>importance of 'being your self' and that the match process was
>as much about you wanting to add the birthmom/family to your
>extended family as being the one 'chosen' by the
>birthmother.
>

If I was the birthmother and heard that comment, I'd want to change my mind!

ETA - that was TOTALLY THE WRONG QUOTE...sorry. I meant to quote the part about the father saying it was all about marketing.

[NEVE and TRISTAN]

Mary thank you for detailing this...also I never would have thought about that and it is so true, an open adoption means you'd have to look a lot clearly at the birth mom to see if you are "open" to her...I can see where that makes your selection process just as studied as thier is...
Thank you
Neve
http://home.nc.rr.com/ourbabytristan
AKA "mama2be"-forgot password
and Baby Boy Tristan born @UNC
Feb 25, 2003
Brother to 3 pups "gees" and 2 kitties

[smkinc]

No kidding! The line between 'marketing' and lying is likely very thin for some.

Mary
Mom to Jeremiah 2/4/03
and our 'first' Curie (6 year old Golden Retriever)

[Melanie]

So of course I had to watch it last night! It was a definite tear-jerker.

What did you all think of it? I think that it was more tastefully done that that teaser suggested. I'm wondering what the prospective adoptive parents will think when they hear why the birth mother passed on them?

[JElaineB]

ETA:~~~POSSIBLE SPOILERS BELOW IF YOU DIDN'T SEE THE SHOW!~~~

I watched also even though I thought the original promo was terrible! Overall, I think it was well done. It was much like any other 20/20 story; I'm glad it wasn't really a "game show" atmosphere. I did raise my eyebrows at a couple of comments by some of the potential parents (like the "marketing" thing mentioned above) and by the birth mother, but overall I was rooting for almost all of the couples! It was really nice how everything worked out in the end.

I think the saddest part was really the woman who gave up her 2 year old boy! I cannot fathom being where that mother was at in her life. I felt really bad for her. It seems like that was not even an open adoption, maybe she'll never see him again? It was definitely bittersweet, as the adoptive couple was so nice and loving.

Jennifer
mom to Jacob 9/27/02

[smkinc]

I didn't watch. I wasn't specifically boycotting, but by the time I thought of watching it, it was already over.

I guess I'll have to try to catch the rerun this summer.

Mary
Mom to Jeremiah 2/4/03
and our 'first' Curie (6 year old Golden Retriever)

[NEVE and TRISTAN]

I thought he was, or should I say assumed he was and that they were following him for a good amount of time.
I did not watch it, slight boycott reason I think...
But I have no doubt that the show last night was not the one they would have aired if there was not a huge stink...

I of course don't know the "marketing" term and how it was used, but it might seem like a good word for an exhausted couple putting together a portfolio etc... and truely having to "present" themselves in the best light...
I'd hope it was a comment made "off the cuff"...

Neve
http://home.nc.rr.com/ourbabytristan
AKA "mama2be"-forgot password
and Baby Boy Tristan born @UNC
Feb 25, 2003
Brother to 3 pups "gees" and 2 kitties

[JElaineB]

Neve, the baby the show focused on was a newborn. The birth mother gave him to the adoptive parents before she left the hospital. But they did show a small snippet of another birth mother giving up her 2 year old to one of the 4 adoptive couples that was not chosen by the featured birth mother.

Jennifer
mom to Jacob 9/27/02

[NEVE and TRISTAN]

Oh goodness just reading this makes me tear up...I can see why everyone said they cried...
Neve
http://home.nc.rr.com/ourbabytristan
AKA "mama2be"-forgot password
and Baby Boy Tristan born @UNC
Feb 25, 2003
Brother to 3 pups "gees" and 2 kitties