View Full Version : My DH's adoption questions

07-09-2004, 05:33 AM
My husband and I have been talking about adoption a lot, but he has some serious reservations and questions. Most questions concern Ukrainian adoptions, but we might also look into Asia or US. Besides the money issue, these are the stumbling blocks my husband presented to me:

#1 will the adoption centers only show us certain children based on our income? ("better" children go to parents with "better" incomes?) Some of the adoption journals seem to infer that. Or maybe the better question is how do they decide which child you can see?

#2 do orphan children bond well with their new parents? Is leaving their country hard for them?

#3 can your other children come with you when you travel to adopt? We can't see leaving our two boys for such a long time.

#4 can the dad leave the country early, while the mom stays to complete the adoption in the Ukraine? We don't think he'll be able to get more than 2 weeks off of work.

#5 my husband thinks it would tear him up to have to pick between children in deciding whom to adopt. What do we do about that? (frankly I think I will have a hard time with that too!!) We read a journal where a couple didn't adopt a child because the boy was shy. My husband got a little emotional about that because he was shy as a child.

I'm sure we will have more questions, so thank you for your help!!

07-09-2004, 08:29 AM
I can answer Ukraine...but that is all I can answer we did not consider another country EXCEPT to attend a local agency adoption seminar.

1. The answer to your question in all of the books and papers on the NAC is virtually "no"...
The answer to your question on how "general nature" and a post communist country is is "kind of"....
From what I have read (and this is only based on what I have read I have never been told this) to me it obvious that some of the more well connected facilitators get better referrals for their clients. I cringe using the word better for we are talking about children so whenever I say better I mean "healthy/age appropriate for what you ask"...these facilitators charge more, still well under any quote I got via an agency and most charge enough where they are handling any bribes in country and you are not asked to fork that money over.

2. From what I have personally witnessed these children do bond well, I am going to a picnic in early Auguest that will have about 80 Ukraine children there and I will be able to answer that better then. BUT with that said there are many many sites www.frua.org being one of them where folks have posted about attachment problems. SO it can be an issue!!!!!!!

3. I asked this question too...and the answer is yes...BUT keep in mind these orphanges could have scabies, lice, you are driving around in cars without seatbelts, you are waiting sometimes during these 3 weeks there in offices for 7 hours, or in a car for 7 hours. You are traveling with a lot of money around your waist and chasing a toddler and keeping an eye out for someone who might try to get you to lose your focus so they can take your money is not a good scenerio to be in. There are children begging in the streets.
My parents traveled me and my brother thru Europe for 7 years as children...we went everywhere!!!! It was a hard decision for me to leave Tristan BUT it really is the only decision to me. From everything I read this can be the most stressful times of our lives...add a crying tired fussy, and sure to be sick from the airplane alone toddler to the mix just helped me make my decision.

4. Dad can leave right after court and then you go to the embassies with children to get the Visas and fly out. You are still looking at about the two week point for court, as you go thru journals try to write down what date they are at. I THINK the law protects adoptive families in travel- I am not sure since it is not a problem for us Steve's compnay has received awards from adoptive societies for their treatment of adoptive parents/employees.
BUT if your hubby 100% needs to be back in the States at two weeks I would not pick Ukraine...I have heard of one family who had to stop midstream due to this demand It can not be guarenteed in anyway.

5. Has to be the hardest part of the whole process...no doubt, it use to be you could go to an orphange and look at all the available children and pick from there, now you travel to see your referral only. I read an interesting post from a friend yesterday (it is not out there publically but on a yahoo group) reminding us that these children could have skin that is "bluish/grey" due to mal nutrition, hair that is falling out due to mal nutrition, lice, she described that her child smelled like urine, vomit and onions...one needs to look beyond that of course. This is what makes the decision to go to Ukraine an even harder one.

IF you chose Ukraine the moto is "nothing is predictable in Ukraine" and that pretty much seems to be dead on accurate there.
Avoid any agency (Yuona) that says they can do preselection I have NEVER seen a pre selection take place there where the agency followed thru on the referral they will do a bait and switch and tear your heart out (remember this almost happend to me with that little boy back in Sept). UNLESS someone goes for a teenager who has visited the US or someone who traveled might have told you about them this is NOT a "true" way of adopting and again I have NEVER seen this happen successfully without such a method.

I really recommend that you all if considering Ukraine start visiting the chat rooms in the thread that I have going...there are two listed. Keep in mind some are vicious. But it is a good place to really research....

AKA "mama2be"-forgot password
and Baby Boy Tristan born @UNC
Feb 25, 2003
Brother to 3 pups "gees" and 2 kitties

07-09-2004, 11:37 AM
Since Neve answered the questions from the Ukrainian point of few I'll go for most other international countries.

#1. Most countries don't require a blind trip like the Ukrainian (although Russia has this off again on again blink trip plan most are not). SO for most countries particular Asian countries (China and Korea) you get your referral simply because you are next in line..it has nothing to do with income what so ever. If you are interested in an older child in Asian countries (more than 18 months) then you are typically going to be going thru a waiting child program. Again you would decide what issues you are willing/able to handle and be assigned a child based on looking through the child's file so you would decide on the child.

#2. There is a great book called Attachment in Adoption (I think that's the name I'll have to check). Attachment is not an either or thing but more of a fluid one. What I mean is that there isn't a point where you can say if a child does not bond by age such and such and such they will not. It's true that it can be harder to form attachments as we get older BUT not impossible. If you look honestly at the world at large..lots of people have attachment issues and trust issues whether they are adopted or not. Some children bond with little or no issues, others take more time and effort on both parents and childs part but that can be said of many relationships

#3. If you travel to most other countries, you can bring your children with you but depending on the age of the child and the situation it may or may not be encouraged. However in the case of Korea or China, only one parent has to travel (China) or you can use an escort if you wish

#5. As I already said with most Asian adoptions you make the decision before you are in country and unless there is a major reason, with the referral of a non-waiting child, the majority of people simply accept the referral (reason for turning down the referral might be something in the birth parents history that you are uncomfortable with or something in the medical information that raises a red flag for you..in the case of adoptions from Korea you are give the child's medical information update each month as you wait for travel (on average right now about 4 to 5 months after your referral), if there is any pattern that shows up or things that are questionable you can change your mind on the referral

Both Korean and China adoptions are more systematic then most Eastern European adoptions. China makes it referrals in groups depending on when your documents go to China and right now referrals are averaging I think 7 to 9 months after your documents are registered. Korean adoptions are unique in that depending on where you live in the USA, that will determine what agency you need to work with and how long your wait is. Typically 6 to 18 months (most are some where in the middle) for a referral and then 4 to 6 months for your child to come home after that (most children are referred at 3 months or younger so most children come home between 5 and 10 months old

If you are interested in Korean adoptions. adoptkorea.com is one of the best sources for information and there are numerous China groups around