PDA

View Full Version : I enjoyed this thread on FRUA-



NEVE and TRISTAN
08-29-2004, 01:11 PM
About what one would do differently if they had known.
I hope I can cut and paste it here so it can be read...but it was filled with little tid bits of advice about things you might wish you'd done that they didn't.

If it does not cut and paste it can be found at
www.Frua.org
under open forums and titled "if you knew then what you know now" (or something similiar) with a good 40 plus responses.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't know if this is too general a question but as a potential adoptive parent I'm wondering if there are suggestions along the lines of
"If I knew then what I know now then I'd have..."

Any thoughts


my wisdom
Unregistered guest
Posted on Thursday, August 26, 2004 - 02:00 pm:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is going to sound crazy but...I am actually glad I was as ignorant as I was when we adopted our son because otherwise we wouldn't have him now! If I knew then what I know now we would have used a different agency which in turn would have led us to a different region and a different destiny. Our agency didn't have great connections and our adoption took forever. We put up with a lot of ridiculous issues and just about anything that could go wrong did.However, in the end, we adopted the most wonderful child. We definately learned from it but we wouldn't change a thing! Life is funny that way!


same here
Unregistered guest
Posted on Thursday, August 26, 2004 - 02:14 pm:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was going to say, that I would have adopted sooner, but if I had changed anything, I wouldn't have my beautiful son.


control freak
Unregistered guest
Posted on Thursday, August 26, 2004 - 03:38 pm:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I would have not worried about trying to control anything, because you just can't. It is useless to plan too much or structure too much around your own ideas. Adoption happens when and how it happens...kind of like giving birth naturally


kaybee
Unregistered guest
Posted on Thursday, August 26, 2004 - 03:54 pm:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I agree with freak. I wish I had just gone with the flow and enjoyed the experience more.


jen
Unregistered guest
Posted on Thursday, August 26, 2004 - 04:12 pm:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I with freak and kaybee, I wish I had just gone with the flow a little better!


virtualtwins
Unregistered guest
Posted on Thursday, August 26, 2004 - 04:25 pm:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The post by "My wisdom" could have been written by me. I didn't know about this forum, which was good, because I would have done things differently and not had the wonderful child that I have.

Sometimes, ignorance is bliss!


SeeMore
Unregistered guest
Posted on Thursday, August 26, 2004 - 04:45 pm:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I would have gotten there earlier to spend a few days in the countryside, and St Petersburg.


kaybee
Unregistered guest
Posted on Thursday, August 26, 2004 - 04:50 pm:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I think we should all plan a trip back together so we can make these wishes come true someday.!


My feeling
Unregistered guest
Posted on Thursday, August 26, 2004 - 05:53 pm:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I would have done an independent adoption!


Bama Mom
Unregistered guest
Posted on Thursday, August 26, 2004 - 07:40 pm:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There is nothing we would have done differently in either of our adoptions from Russia except spend some extra time in Moscow on our return from the second adoption. We can't wait to return with our children one day and we wish we had spent more time sight seeing and I wish I had bought more souvineers.Other than the fact that if I changed anything we would not have our two special angels, if I had started sooner we would do it a third time.


LoveBeingMom
Unregistered guest
Posted on Thursday, August 26, 2004 - 07:44 pm:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I would have relaxed and enjoyed the sites in Russia more. I would have worried less about "every little move" my daughter made..wondering if it was attachment, alcohol or neurologically related (She's fine!)

I would have bought TONS more souvenirs while in Russia. Tons more...


LoveBeingMom
Unregistered guest
Posted on Thursday, August 26, 2004 - 07:45 pm:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
LOL Bama Mom - we posted at the same time..and said almost the same thing!


manon
Unregistered guest
Posted on Thursday, August 26, 2004 - 08:08 pm:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I would have realized my daughter was wailing because she was missing her outdoor play time!!!


NJMom
Unregistered guest
Posted on Thursday, August 26, 2004 - 08:27 pm:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I would have talked to my son's caretakers more and taken more pictures of them.

Gotten a good, valid mailing address of the orphanage and asked their preference for sending donations.

I would have relaxed more with my son in those few months home.

I would have hired a babysitter to give myself more breaks in those first months home.

Gotten the address of the homestay where we were and not thought that I could just get it from the agency when we got home. (To send a Christmas card)

Gotten a picture of my son's sleeping area. (I felt it was too pushy to ask. Since then, I got one from someone who went to the same region, and my son was transfixed when he looked at it - after 2 years home)

Tried to get a baby picture of my son. We adopted him at 18 mos., maybe there was a picture of him in the system?


LD
Unregistered guest
Posted on Thursday, August 26, 2004 - 08:40 pm:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I wish I would have had our coordinator take us by the hospital where my daughter was born and taken a picture of it. I wish I would have asked if we could get a duplicate copy of her birth certificate so I would not be freaking out about losing her one and only birth certificate in the mail (when sending off for Passport and Certificate of Citizenship).


manon again
Unregistered guest
Posted on Thursday, August 26, 2004 - 08:49 pm:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
LD, I agree with you about wishing I had taken a photo of the hospital where my daughter was born. I also wish I had asked the facilitator to take me to the address that my daughter's birth mother had listed as her address (the Russian social worker said that it was an abandoned house and that the neighbors did not know of her), so that I could have taken a picture of that too.

I wish I had been brave enough to give cash to the caregiver who seemed the most interested in my child's well-being. I was afraid of getting in trouble.


control freak
Unregistered guest
Posted on Thursday, August 26, 2004 - 11:27 pm:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I also wish I had scheduled more time to really see Moscow on the first trip, on our way back through. We scheduled that for our second trip instead and our baby was so unhappy that we could not enjoy it like we would have liked to. We wanted photos of her at the sights, but they were not worth it because she was so miserable and was crying for days and of course, we were then miserable too.

As for souvenirs, I bought so many! And you know what? You can buy some of them off of ebay from Russian sellers, I have found many things that I wanted to buy duplicates of, right there on ebay for pretty good prices, considering. They aren't as low as the prices in Russia, but hey, they are traveling a long way!


Billysmom
Unregistered guest
Posted on Friday, August 27, 2004 - 04:14 am:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
...asked to see where my child slept. No offer was made, and I was too afraid to ask (didn't want to come across pushy). Also, more photographs of just Russian life, scenery, the hospital he was born in, birthmothers address. Everything was so rush, rush I felt that asking to do these things would be seen as silly American.


DisruptionGal
Unregistered guest
Posted on Friday, August 27, 2004 - 04:31 am:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I would have chosen China or Korea.


wondering
Unregistered guest
Posted on Friday, August 27, 2004 - 05:38 am:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wow! This is great. We've already picked up quite a few things we'd not thought about...

Can some of you expand even a little on your comments e.g. I would have chosen China or Korea... why?

Keep up the comments please


Jeannie
Unregistered guest
Posted on Friday, August 27, 2004 - 06:59 am:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I would have asked everyone for copies of my son's records from the orphanage until I got a copy. Everyone I asked assured me I'd get a copy, but guess what? It didn't happen.

I would have started on attachment parenting immediately instead of waiting to see how he'd do. By this, I mean I would have immediately put him back on a bottle for comfort at night instead of struggling with him to let me hold him in the rocker like I did my bio kids at night. I would have insisted on feeding him while he was still in starving mode. I would have started with holding time earlier before he had the chance to think he could get away with pushing me away from him. I think that delay made it ultimately harder for me when we started attachment parenting.


stay home
Unregistered guest
Posted on Friday, August 27, 2004 - 07:05 am:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I would not have gone back to work. From an attachment perspective, it was the wrong choice for our family.


Mom2two
Unregistered guest
Posted on Friday, August 27, 2004 - 08:30 am:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Probably stayed in Russia throughout the 10-day waiting period after completing the court process. Too much jet lag having to go back and forth.


AngelaW
Unregistered guest
Posted on Friday, August 27, 2004 - 09:14 am:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I adopted an older child...

I wish that I had relaxed more during the first 6 months home And that I had thicker skin and didn't take every comment by my mother/sister-in-law as a criticism.

I wish that I understood my/my daughter's legal rights in terms of education. My daughter needed language therapy which the school system illegally refused to provide. I should have fought them.


mybaby
Unregistered guest
Posted on Friday, August 27, 2004 - 10:17 am:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I agree with the posts about seeing my son's room and bed in the orphanage. I regret not asking while we were at the orphanage. I would have loved to have pictures for him someday. I would have asked to meet some of his caretakers and find out any information that I could about him. Some people even have letters written by their children's care givers.

While we were at the MOE the director showed us a baby picture of our son on the computer screen. I should have asked right then and there if we could have a copy of it. We have plenty of pictures of him 15 months and older.


ann
Unregistered guest
Posted on Friday, August 27, 2004 - 10:19 am:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Great post! Thank you, everyone, for sharing your experiences!


kb
Unregistered guest
Posted on Friday, August 27, 2004 - 10:34 am:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I would have learned more Russian and asked more questions about the birth mother. I hadn't thought about getting a picture of the hospital but now that she has so many questions about her birth it would be nice to have. I didn't ask about a baptismal record but when I sent a letter to the detsky dom later they did send it to me. I too wish we could have relaxed and enjoyed our second trip more but it was just a few weeks after 9/11/01 and everyone was nervous just getting on planes and going to embassies, etc. I also would have left photos of us with our daughter between trips with Russian words to describe them. I would take a lot more pictures of the other kids in her groupa and get all their names - the care givers too.


Don't Look Back
Unregistered guest
Posted on Friday, August 27, 2004 - 10:41 am:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, I have always been "brilliant in hindsight" but realize that everything happens for a reason and takes us down the path that we are eventually all supposed to be on. So for me, thank goodness I found my little girl and I don't care to look back and wonder about the "what ifs". The best thing we can do is provide insight to those who are just starting in the process, in the hopes that their journey will be smoother than what some of us have experienced.


asil
Unregistered guest
Posted on Friday, August 27, 2004 - 10:41 am:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I wish I would have believed everyone when they said to be patient and that everything happens for a reason.


mg
Unregistered guest
Posted on Friday, August 27, 2004 - 11:13 am:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I have enjoyed reading everyone's comments. I especially like the idea of getting a picture of the hospital where your child was born. I am thankful we were able to take a picture of where he slept.
We had a wonderful experience, and the only thing I would have changed would have been to use a local travel agent or someone you are familiar with. We used a travel agent that was recommended by our agency. She had handled travel plans for many adoptions and was Ukrainian. We wish we had used someone that was easier to communicate with -- we couldn't get her to understand we would be willing to pay more to fly on a airline with a good reputation for assisting families, comfort, etc. Her only concern was to save us money. We were not very experienced in world travelling, and would have also liked to have had more time between flights on the way home. We ended up missing our flight home from JFK because of the lack of time we had to get through customs, etc., but enjoyed SO MUCH spending the night in NY to rest and start out the next day refreshed. Again, God was in control and knew that we needed some rest.


GreatTime
Unregistered guest
Posted on Friday, August 27, 2004 - 11:38 am:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As we have just returned from our first trip 2 days ago I can honestly say that I would not change a thing. St. Petersburg is the most wonderful, exciting city, great food, great hotel, great people and can't say enough about the sites! The weather was perfect, the baby home was better than we expected and our son is wonderful. Spent four days with him (4-5 hours a day, broken into morning and late afternoon) and saw everything else when not at the baby home. We took about 8 rolls of film at the baby home (2 rolls a day plus video tape) and another 8 rolls for sightseeing. The pictures are wonderful and we feel we really captured a true sense of our experience for our family friends back home. Our agency is wonderful and very organized and this helped with the entire experience. I researched for 4 months early this year on agencies and which regions we would want to or prefer to work with and I have to say that all of that time and energy spent preparing was well worth it. Now its on to prepare for the 2nd trip to bring our son home!


wonderful
Unregistered guest
Posted on Friday, August 27, 2004 - 11:43 am:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
one of the reasons why i asked the question was to see if there were common themes reported so that I could put together some sort of list to act as a reminder (photo of orphanage etc) or warning (be patient) etc etc that might be useful to us and to others....


MomX2
Unregistered guest
Posted on Friday, August 27, 2004 - 11:44 am:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The first months home I wish I hadn't worried so much that every little thing my kids did or didn't do was a sign of FAE, PTSD, SID, attachment problems....

(I have to laugh at myself remembering going into their rooms at night to look to make sure they had well-defined philitrums - and they'd been home six months!)


letzlannie
Unregistered guest
Posted on Friday, August 27, 2004 - 12:32 pm:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I agree with many posters: I would have taken more pictures of general scenes. I got the sights of Kiev, but now miss that I didn't get ones of the babushkas on the highways or even one of the parking lot in Kremenchuk where I made my decision that he was the one.

Leslie


to greattime
Unregistered guest
Posted on Friday, August 27, 2004 - 01:08 pm:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To Greattime: Sounds like your trip #1 was a success. What agency did you end up using after doing your research? Also, what factors led to your final decision? Was there something that helped you make that final cut?


would have
Unregistered guest
Posted on Friday, August 27, 2004 - 03:05 pm:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I would have bought more souvineers. I would have purchased that $30.00 painting from an old woman on the street who stated that her husband painted it and they sell his artwork to help feed themselves. At the time, we had spent so much money on the adoption, travel, etc. Looking back, $30.00 was nothing to us and a lot to them. Plus I would have a piece of artwork that was not woth a lot monatarily, but a lot emotionally.

I would have taken A LOT more pictures!!! Snap up tons of rolls!!! It is such an important part of your life. I would have also developed every roll that I did take in Russia at a nice photo shop, not Sam's club. It would have been worth it!

Those first few months home I would have worried less about cleaning the house, making dinner, doing laundry and concentrated only on my baby.


justme
Unregistered guest
Posted on Friday, August 27, 2004 - 06:58 pm:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I would have thought more carefully about accepting a referral whose mother was an alcoholic.


Just One
Unregistered guest
Posted on Friday, August 27, 2004 - 08:57 pm:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I would have asked more questions at the ophanage, to try to get just a bit more info. I would REALLY like to know something about my daughter's first 8 months before she came to the baby home. Where was she? Who cared for her? Her first 8 months are blank, but somebody had that info.


two
Unregistered guest
Posted on Saturday, August 28, 2004 - 01:05 pm:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I would have adopted two children at once and would not have to re-do everything again for another adoption now. Ugh!


Jeannie
Unregistered guest
Posted on Saturday, August 28, 2004 - 08:34 pm:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I would have bought more souvenirs on our first trip instead of waiting for the second. We had more room in our luggage and more time on the first trip; on the second we only had about 30 minutes worth of souvenir shopping, mostly at the airport.


Neve
Unregistered guest
Posted on Sunday, August 29, 2004 - 09:00 am:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
GREAT THREAD!!!!!
I have enjoyed it as much as anything I have read to date. Thank you for asking and thanks to those who shared!!!!

A must read for all yet to travel I think!!!






Neve and Tristan born Feb 25, 2003
* EDD 3/18/05 as of 8/24 kicking and moving arms via sono, very active.
* Adopting siblings in Ukraine, I171A from INS has arrived, dossier to Ukraine next week!!!!!!