View Full Version : Does anyone do adoption as a first choice?

07-06-2005, 02:32 PM
I am just curious about this. Are there couples who can concieve, etc. easily but yet choose to adopt instead?

DH and I are in this boat and 99% of people think we are complete weirdos. We have one biological child and will adopt the rest of our family. I wish we knew of other people who did this...


07-06-2005, 02:55 PM
I knew a guy once that said he and his wife we're planning on adopting and not even trying to have biological kids but we kinda lost touch - so I'm not sure if they ever followed through. But he always said they both felt they should adopt - like it was their calling - so no - it's not weird and you're not alone. :)

07-06-2005, 03:55 PM
A girlfriend of mine has two biological children and a third adopted child. She's in the process of adopting a fourth child. She would most likely be able to easily have more biological children, but she really believes in adoption. It never occured to me to think of her as weird. :)

07-06-2005, 05:22 PM
I wanted to adopt and DH wanted to do the biological thing so we decided on a short time limit of attempting to conceive (6 months - I'm still not sure he realized how ridiculously short this was) and then adopting.

We are the opposite. If we chose to have another (which we most likely won't) we will most likely pursue the biological route more rigorously, simply because insurance covers some of those costs.

07-06-2005, 06:58 PM
DH and I could probably have conceived had we chosen to go through fertility treatments, but we thought that adoption was a better lifestyle choice for us.

Trust me, you're no 'weirdo'! (ETA: Unless we all are and I wouldn't consider myself weird -- at least not for that reason.) ;) :D

07-06-2005, 07:04 PM
I've always wanted to adopt, since I was like 9 years old. I read this book called "Kim: A Gift from Vietnam". It was written in the early 70s about one family's adoption experience. It touched me in so many ways. (I even tracked down a copy of it when we started our adoption so I could re-read it and there were so many things I had forgotten. The family lived in the same town as I was born and her first Christmas home was when I was born!) During my high school/college years I was very determined to adopt rather than to bring another child into the world while so many had no families.

When I met DH, I think we assumed we would have a biological child and adopt. When TTC didn't work out well, then we lost a child, then we realized we would have to do more invasive fertility treatments, it was a pretty easy decision for us. We finally got to where we wanted to be in life and were able to do it.

I am pretty sure we would have been able to have a biological child with more detailed fertility treatments, but we have our daughter now! :)

I'm approaching 36 now so who knows if we'll adopt another or try the bio route or what.


07-06-2005, 08:00 PM
Yup, count me in. I have wanted to adopt since before I was even married. And after I got married that was our plan - until I got pregnant! Big surprise! I am due in a few weeks. It didn't really affect our adoption plans since we want to adopt from China and neither of us is yet 30, which is their age requirement. We have yet to really talk openly about it with our families since we don't want to deal with anyone telling us we're crazy before we even begin the process. Although, this pregnancy has not been the walk in the park I'd hoped for, so I always jokingly tell the family this is their only biological child from me! They don't like that too much becasue they assume that means we are only having one child.

And my best friend from high school is leaving in a few days to get her son, whom she is adopting internationally. She and her DH have no desire to be pregnant and chose adoption first.

You're not alone, but you're family will tell you you're nuts. I totally understand. I feel no need to pass my genetic code on, and I can't imagine how loving bio vs. adopted kids would be any different. I'm very thankful that I am blessed to be able to experience pregnancy, but I also know that there is a baby girl waiting for us in China and my desire to parent that little girl is just as strong as the desire to parent the baby in my belly right now.

You're not alone :)


07-06-2005, 08:15 PM
We had one biological child 15 years ago and now have two adopted children age 4 and 1. We chose to adopt.

07-07-2005, 07:44 PM
While I would need to use fertility drugs, I would be able to conceive another child. With regular drug therapy and some weight loss, there is a chance I would naturally conceive another child. But I really feel in my heart that adoption is for us. DH and I have talked in length about opening our hearts and home to 3 more children (as long as finances permit it). We want to adopt 2 girls and 1 boy. Our first DD will be from China. If all goes well, we will probably return there for another DD. We are also considering other countries for a DS. That will be our second adoption.

I truly believe that a child does not have to be born in your belly to be yours. They have to be from your heart. We had always talked about adopting at least one child, after having biological children. I guess God has other plans for us! And that is totally fine by me. I see SN children on waiting lists and fall in love every day.

07-08-2005, 12:17 PM
It was absolutely our first choice and if we lived in any other state we would have several kids by now. Any age, any race, any disability. However, we *had* to have bio kids if we wanted to parent. Thanks FL. The couple who is currently adopting our foster daughters decided to adopt as a first choice as well.

07-08-2005, 01:45 PM
off topic, but I realise even having a bio baby, you probably have to do a lot of paperwork, in terms of custody, etc. in FL?

WARNING: negative scenario ahead!

I ask because I recently read a law review article about a lesbian mother who was about to lose her child becuase her ex-partner moved for sole custody. For years this lady had paid child support, had had visitation rights, etc. The judge just went by who the bio parent was...This was in NYC...Sad sad case that kept me awake for many nights.


07-08-2005, 02:06 PM
Oh G-d honey don't get me started. This recently happened to some friends of ours. Bio mom picked up and moved. End of story. Nothing non bio mom can do. Zip. So the kids they have raised together for eleven years are gone to her. Even worse than what is happening to us right now.
There is absolutely NOTHING we can do in FL to assure my rights to this child. Nothing. Even if she were to die and leave me custody in her will, her parents or the state can still override it. I don't think her parents ever will, but it could happen.
There is absolutely not a thing a I can, and it is only in FL that it is like this. Some states (NY is one of them, so that story surprises me) allow second parent adoptions by non married partners. Some states allow adoption by the non bio parent if the bio parent gives up custody, and almost all states allow for a UPA. FL is the only state that allows non of the above.

Welcome to the Un shine state.

07-08-2005, 02:16 PM
OH my GOD!!!

We have gay friends (childless) who had to spend 10K or more getting everything in order (that my husband and I would have just by virtue of being married), and i thought that was unfair, but this?? No recourse at all??

My story/article is a few yrs old. It was written by a pretty prominent scholar who was advocating for a functional definition of the family (makes perfect sense in so many levels). But I digress. It is very likely that the case caused the legislature to change the law, or maybe the law was there but the lady here did not take advantage of it (no one thinks of divorce, break-up or death, until it happens to them).

I am so sorry.

07-16-2005, 08:48 AM
A bit off topic, but Jenn — is China's limit really 30? If so, DH and I may have to rearrange our plans if we want to adopt from there.

And Eri: Nope, you're not the only one. DH and I have always planned a mix of biological and adopted children; right now we're thinking one more biological child and one adopted child, but that could change.

Kimberly H
07-16-2005, 06:33 PM
Yes, China's rule is both parents must be at least 30 years old. Two of the families we traveled with had their dossier ready to send on the youngest spouse's 30th birthday!

Kimberly H
07-16-2005, 06:38 PM
4 of the 16 families in our travel group *chose* adopting from China instead of TTC. 9 other families in that group have bio and adopted children. The remaing 3 had problems TTC and went the fertility drug route before adoption.

07-17-2005, 04:27 PM
Yes we are one of those nutcases too ;) I was absolutely insistent that I didn't want my own kids - I would only adopt. All my family has been hearing this since I was in college. DH was fine with it too (he did want to have at least biological child but he saw how much adoption meant to me so he was okay with it).
After we looked into adoption from India, we realized that since we're not citizens we wouldn't be able to bring the child here (can't get a visa). I have nothing against adopting an American child - but I don't want people to think I'm the nanny :) Or that my husband is kidnapping the child!! Plus I would not feel right raising an American or other ethnicity child as an Indian - I would be denying them their heritage.
So I finally caved in b'cos DH wanted a child (me too, but don't tell him that :))and I didn't want to make him wait till we were 40. That's how long we'll probably have to wait to become citizens, adopt and bring the child back here.
I know people dream of winning a lottery or getting a dream job etc - this is my dream - to adopt at least one Indian girl and more if we can afford it.
Hope we can make it come true.
I have to add that I'm glad we had Jiya (of course!!)- pregnancy, birth and looking after her from day one were all miraculous and wonderful. I was worried that having my own child would make me reconsider adoption but I'm happy to say I'm just as committed as before.

07-17-2005, 10:41 PM
I hope you're able to realize your dream one day!

I just wanted to say that my daughter is our "own child". She's our daughter 100%, but she just is not our biological child.

Here is a link to some positive adoption language that you may find useful as you continue on your journey!


I don't mean any offense by this. I honestly had to re-read your post several times to figure out what you meant by "own kids" since I kept thinking about it from my perspective. :) So, I just thought I would share.


07-18-2005, 12:04 AM
Yes, I "know" plenty of people in the same boat as you!

I am single, and my daugther is adopted from Guatemala, but I am on many adoption listserves and there are plenty of couples who choose to adopt, some with their first child, and others after having bio children...they do discuss the rude comments they get from others who dont understand though.


07-18-2005, 01:10 AM
Oh wow, sorry if I offended you, Holli - I meant biological child by own child. I fully realize that your children are your own - adopted or otherwise :)
Sorry again - I'll try and be more sensitive/positive in future.

07-21-2005, 06:47 PM
Ah, *at least* 30! I misread that as "no older than 30," and I've heard China discourages older parents from adopting infants, so I was a bit concerned. Thanks — that fits perfectly into our plans, since we're currently in our mid-20s and will probably have one more biological child in about 3 years' time (and adopt after that).

07-21-2005, 07:42 PM
OMG, what an adorable pic!!!

07-25-2005, 04:12 PM
Thanks for the link Holli. I bookmarked it. :)

08-02-2005, 09:15 PM
We've always planned to adopt down the road, after we've had a couple of bio children. And that was before we knew how hard it would be to have a second (DS' conception required some medical assistance, but not much). I can see waiting about 5 years after our last bio child is born, then adopting a 2-4 or so year old, so they still end up fairly close in age.

I'm sure that people will think that we are nuts, but then they also think that we are out of our mind for continuing to adopt dogs that are at least 10 years old. My point is that you learn to smile and nod at the strong, contrary opinions because you know that you are doing what is right for your family!

kathleen a.
08-24-2005, 09:05 PM
No offense but it sounds like your friends are the weirdos...NOT YOU! Encourage them to have an open mind and explain why you are choosing this for you and your family. If they still think you are weird for doing this, you may not want them around, adoption is a VERY emotional and HARD journey to take. Your gonna STRONG support from your friends as well as your family.

Here's Hoping!

And best of luck to you and your family!


08-25-2005, 07:36 PM
All of the positive and negative terms made 100% sense to me except this one:

Permission to sign a release (Positive) Disclosure (Negative)

I guess I am curious as to what context "disclosure" is a negative term. I can't even figure out which part of adoption this refers to. Can someone educate me?

08-25-2005, 07:39 PM
I am still so disgusted with FL!!! Is there a way to leave the state? Not that it is fair that you would have to uproot your family and leave an area you may love in other ways but it seems like a huge risk to take! What are your plans for juggling this?

Or what about suing the state?

11-11-2005, 05:25 PM
Just a note about non-citizen adoptions, we are Canadians, living in the US, and you can adopt domestically, just not internationally.

Your comment about not wanting to be seen as the nanny just made me HAVE to write. My husband is chinese, I am caucasian, and our daughter is mixed... her birthmom was specifically looking for an adoptive familiy that she would "fit in to", and although I sometimes get funny looks, my husband often gets comments about how much she resembles him!

So you may want to look into domestic agencies, although there are many families looking to adopt blond, blue eyed babies, there are MANY, MANY birthparents looking for adoptive families that match their child-to-be's ethnicity... and in our case, our wait was very short - only five months from finishing the paperwork to having little Miss in the living room :)

However this thread is of great interest to me as we always knew we would adopt, and now to our surprise, despite great precautions otherwise :) are expecting a baby boy - the old fashioned biological way - in about 8 more weeks.