View Full Version : Needing advice - wanting to support friends trying to adopt

08-03-2005, 05:17 PM
In an effort to keep this short I will not go into the long history about this couple, but needless to say, they have been trying to have a baby for about 5 years. Yesterday was supposed to be their day, but today the birth mother changed her mind. They are devestated.

Besides thoughts and prayers, what can I do to support them through this difficult time?

08-03-2005, 06:22 PM
I'm so sorry for your friends' difficulties and loss. It's so difficult to think you are so close and only to realize you're not. I've been there, and it's just heartbreaking.

I can tell you what I didn't like when people told me "things happen for a reason; your baby is out there." I wanted THAT baby, and it was not comforting at all. I could quite honestly find no reason for these things to happen while I was in the midst of it.

The friends and family who were the most helpful during our losses (miscarriage and lost adoption referral) were the ones who just listened and said they were sorry and that they loved us. I didn't want or expect people to try to solve the "problem" but it felt like people always felt like they had to have something to say. They didn't. They just had to be willing to listen if I felt like talking. I tend to hibernate when I suffer great pain, and I withdraw. The people who knew me best knew I needed to do that but they also knew they had to try to draw me back.

Your friends are grieving so think about what you would say to them for the loss of any child, even one they never had the opportunity to parent.

You sound like a loving and concerned friend so I'm sure they will appreciate you being there for them!


08-03-2005, 06:26 PM
I have been through a failed adoption and, even though we were spared a lot of pain in some ways (short match time, never met mother, etc), it still hurt a lot. I think the biggest thing for us was that people recognized the loss. A lot of people don't see it the same way as if you miscarry or whatever, no time off from work to recover, not quite the same sympathy. But it meant a lot to us when people just expressed their sadness for us or sent a card. While it *will* happen for them one day, it didn't happen today, and that could very well be what they are thinking. Or, as in our case, will it ever happen? Is this the world's way of telling us we're not meant to be parents? All I can recommend is to be there for them, follow their lead with how they are dealing with it. The fact that you're even asking about this is a great show of support and they will appreciate it.
~Connor's Mom 02/2004~
Agency paperwork completed - waiting for #2!

08-03-2005, 09:28 PM
Thank you so much for sharing your stories with me. I am so very sad for them and all I want is for them to be able to experience the joy of parenthood. I know that the time will come, but they, like many others have suffered a lot along the way and it is just so heart breaking for them to make it so close and to come away empty handed.

08-04-2005, 01:08 AM
I find it interesting that you used the word 'miscarry' in your post. I was thinking that the feelings of loss are probably quite similar. Also, it explains why the statement, 'everything happens for a reason' and 'why don't you just try again' can be so painful to hear.

Sometimes, people need to simply keep quiet and say, 'Sorry for your loss.'

Btw, Traci, Sorry for your loss.