I'm leaning to adoption/my DH to another pregnancy

[dogmom]

First, I want to apologize to anyone who has infertility issues and may be hurt by a cavalier front I'm about to present about my fertility issues.

So, we had problems with conceiving my DS, but it finally happened without much intervention. When it came time to have second child things didn't go as easily. A couple more workups & a surgery later my husband and I were at a decision point. I had all my adoptoin forms lined up neatly in a folder and my husband was leaning towards some fertility treaments. (With the full acknowledgment that I would be bearing the brunt of this.) We compromised on x number of treatments then it was over and we would move onto adoption. Which I realize sounds sort of cold when you put in down in a text box, but it really wasn't like that.

Pregnant with the first treament, miscarried after the first trimester, back to the beginning of this whole process. (Well, there was the month or two of "No-no, I want to get pregnant again, right away." But apparently those crazy pregnancy hormones finally cleared my system and I went back to wanting to adopt as my first choice.)

Another set of bloodwork, procedures, all set to go again. I don't feel in mourning over this miscarriage, so I don't think my adoption preference is determined by a few of that. I do realize that my adopton preference might be partially due to some control issues about my fertility. (It is a lot easier to choose not to try everything under the sun and make it a choice as opposed to not try everything and not get the result you wanted.) But I really feel a desire to add to my family that way.

I realize this doesn't have to be an either or situation. (Although Neve is my hero, I don't really want to be seven months pregnant in Addis Ababa next year.)Sorry I'm babbling, but I got no idea where else to talk about this. Don't really want to open it up to the Lounge or the Bitching area.

Jeanne
Mom to Harvey
1/16/03

[hjdong]

My DH wanted to "go natural" I wanted to do adoption (this is from the start, so a slightly different proposition). So, we agreed on a time frame, and stuck with it and ended up adopting. And I don't think it sounds cold to make a decision on how much you are willing to put yourself through physically, emotionally and financially, both on fertility treatments and the adoption process; it's realistic.

I felt at peace when we were done "trying" and started the adoption process and we actually were on birth control during the process (our agency would not complete an adoption if you were pregnant or had had a "major family change" within a year i.e. a birth, divorce, spousal death). I was horrified by the thought that I might get pregnant and "lose" my child.

I'm wondering if you have done your x set of treatments you had agreed on? How set on finishing them your DH is? If he has fears about adoption (expense? losing the child after it's in your care? long time lines? he won't love the child the same?) or if he just prefers to finish the treatments first?

Good luck, I know this is a difficult time.

[icunurse]

When we started having fertility issues, we, too, agreed on how far we'd go (and everyone is different that way, some try nothing, some try everything). We ended up never even getting to the point we originally thought we'd attempt. I think time, loss, and lots of thinking made us just stop it all and go into a "sure thing" - adoption. We always planned for both biological and adopted children, so we like to think we just fast-forwarded a bit.

I used birth control after we made our decision, both for medical reasons and also to just relieve myself of the burden of hoping for a medical miracle. I'm not sure how our agency would have handled it, as we did have to provide a letter of infertility when we applied. Every time I go off the meds for a while, I do find myself counting days or slightly overanalyzing a queasy stomach. It's not so much that I even desire a biological child anymore, I think I crave what I see as the "easy" way of having a child, not having to fill out forms, explain anything, or work according to an unknown timetable. Yep, in some ways, I really do think infertiltiy treatments were easier than adoption :)

As far as the differing inmindset between you and DH, that's for you two to decide. There's really no right or wrong answer, as long as you can both discuss honestly why you want to do things the way you want to. It's not wrong to have a timeline or limit (though it may be hard to stick to it). Additionally, and this is my personal opinion, I think that both of you need to "grieve" your infertility before pursuing adoption (sorry to sound clinical ;)). It is a loss and when you hit set backs in the adoption process, you may feel things related to it that you didn't expect. It is not the same as a pregnancy, but it is every bit as miraculous. :)

Please feel free to PM me if you want to talk. Also, if you haven't already, the book "Adoption After Infertility" is pretty helpful. Good luck.

Traci
~Connor's Mom 02/2004~
Agency paperwork completed - waiting for #2!

[cmdunn1972]

It sounds like the toughest part about your situation is that you and your husband aren't really on the same page.

Infertility can be stressful on a marriage, and as a PP implied, it is something that needs to be grieved. My DH and I went through a period of "It's Not Fair!" and wondered why we were one of the 10% of couples with fertility issues.

Eventually, we dedcided that it would be better for us to not pursue fertility treatments. We only went through the testing and pursued adoption exclusively. There were several reasons for this.

Fertility treatments place more burden on the woman. While (ahem) 'having fun' with a paper cup in a clinical setting is no picnic, the woman often goes through hormone injections and IVF procedures (etc) that are much more invasive.

Fertility treaments are expensive. Our insurance would cover the treatments themselves, but it would still be up to us to cover the hormone injections, which can run up to $1000 or more. Also, our insurance would only cover 3 treatment cycles. After that, we were SOL.

Fertility treatments are not a guarantee of pregnancy. Our doctor's office had a success rate of 27%. When we considered that our insurance only covered 3 treatments, multiply that figure by 27% and you still get less than 100% success rate. Plus, we'd still be out the money. When we considered that the same money could be used to fund an adoption, which has a greater success rate, we stopped bothering with fertility treaments and instead saved up for the 'sure thing', adoption.

After making that decision, we still had to deal with the fact that we probably would never be pregnant. For us, the process took several months. As we researched adoption by buying several books on the subject (including Adoption for Dummies, I kid you not) and internet resources such as http://www.adoption.com, we also bought "Adopting after Infertility", which a PP mentioned. The important thing is that we came together on the issue before calling our first agency.

As far as convincing your husband goes, that's a tough thing for an outsider to your situation like me to answer. For my husband, he just looked at the numbers (like the cost and odds of success), and that was enough. Unfortunately, some people have a harder time accepting the idea that adoption is as valid as pregnancy. (If that's the case, then educating yourselves by reading books, visiting websites, or talking with people you know who have been touched by adoption sometimes helps.) It's also possible that you and your husband are still grieving your infertility. That's going to take some time. Whatever the cause is, the important thing is that you work through this together so that you are a united front by the time you pursue adoption.

HTH!

[dogmom]

I don't really think am "grieving" fertility more than I am annoyed at it. I was fully expecting not to be able to get pregnant, I married my husband late, I had never had an unexpected pregnancy, and I knew I wasn't always careful. I also was fully aware that we were designed to have children in our 20s and anything after 30 is risky. (I want to shake people who say, but "You are only 40, that is so you to have a baby now!" No, you twit, it is old to have a baby, and many of those women our getting substantial medical help to have a baby. Study some freaking biology, would you!) Honestly, I'm sort of suprised I have the wonderful son I do.
As far as what I am willing to go through, we are/did only Clomid and IUI. No IVF, no injectables.

I feel that the difference of my DH and I about this is very similar to the way he, and many men feel about their wives, when I was pregnant. There was occasional odd behavior and some serious video game playing when I was pregnant, and a general air of indifference about the impending arrival of our son. Once DS arrived, everything was fine. It was like someone turned on a switch in the delivery room. I think it is as much a reluctance to stray from what has worked before and try something new as anything else.

I've told him he has to come to an adoption meeting for the program I am interested in next month. He has agreed. Last year when I went and I was describing the cutest little girl to him that a couple had brought with them who had adopted throught the program, at which point he covered his head with a pillow and told me to stop telling me about her. I know in my heart one little push and he will be asking where the paperwork is. I think everyone is right, I'm just impatient and have to wait for my husband to catch up. Thanks for listening.


Jeanne
Mom to Harvey
1/16/03

[icunurse]

I had to laugh, as it seems a lot of men have the same attitude about having a child (whether through pregnancy or adoption) - call me when he/she arrives! :) My husband was a lot like that, didn't want the paperwork or classes or especially the books. He (and from people I have talked to, a lot of men feel very strongly about this) did not feel that he should have to explain his motives for wanting to be a parent or have to read a book about how to do it. After all, this isn't required of biological parents :) However, we were on the same page about the most important thing - adoption of a child.

I don't think you're being impatient at all. It just sounds like you two aren't in the same place right now. As a PP suggested, maybe sit down and talk about any concerns DH may have about adoption - is it a fear of the unknown, the loss of biology, other concerns about raising an adopted child? Maybe you can check into an adoption support group or large agency near you. I know that ours has events like picnics, days at the zoo, etc that aren't as "confining" as an informational meeting might seem, but then he can see adoption first hand (if you guys haven't already). He'll be able to ask questions if he wants, but not feel like he has to, you know? :)

Another book I like (can you tell I am an information junkie?;)) is "Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother". It's one of the few books I could actually get DH to read and it addresses some fears that people have when going through the adoption process, but might be afraid to verbalize (it's one woman's story of adoption).

Just keep coming back here or to the forums at www.adoption.com You're not alone and certainly not going thourgh anything unusual. Hang in there.

Traci
~Connor's Mom 02/2004~
Agency paperwork completed - waiting for #2!

[dogmom]

The image of my DH in an adoption support group made me laugh. It's not that he wouldn't want to do what it takes to raise a child, he just feels like he has to deal with people enough and really doesn't want to go out of his way to meet more of them. (That whole thought, the homestudy, and everything else is probably why he doesn't want to jump into adoption.) I think in his mind he just is going through a very logically step. Try biological child, then adopt. We have agreed that we would consider adopting a set of older children when our son is older. (We want to preserve birth order.) I'm sure if I said, "Nope, can't possibly do anymore infertility treatment and couldn't stand another miscarriage, it's adoption," he would move to the next step. But, that is really true and I don't feel like lying to get what I would pefer. Who knows, if he was gung ho on adoption I might be, wait, I'm not sure I want to give up on a newborn yet. That's the joy of being a couple, balancing each other out.

Jeanne
Mom to Harvey
1/16/03

[icunurse]

Yep, guys tend not to like the support groups :) But, like I said, maybe a local one can give you other ways to show DH more about adoption in a less-confining, meet-people-only-if-I-want-to way.

Do you have a particular route decided for adoption (ie international)? If you truly want the experience of another newborn, you might want to consider domestic adoption. We did a domestic adoption (and are pursuing another one) and held our son at 2 hours old, brought him home straight from the hospital. Just something to consider...

Traci
~Connor's Mom 02/2004~
Agency paperwork completed - waiting for #2!

[dogmom]

Oh no, don't feel an overwhelming need for an infant. ;) I like sleep. We've agreed in principle on adopting from Ethiopia, and there are a whole host of reasons why it is a good choice for us. We actually have a friend who has a freind that was in the exact same position us as, had a biological child, not really wanting to do a lot to have another, and adopted from Ethiopia. We may try to get together with them. I think the real reason he is resisting this is he knows his resistence is going to crumbling out form under him. We both know this. This is why we have a 4 month old Blue Tick Hound puppy after hearing everyday for months "We are not getting anymore animals in this house!"

Jeanne
Mom to Harvey
1/16/03

[hjdong]

Isn't it funny how that works. The closer to yes you sometimes get, the more you protest.

[NEVE three BUGS and a BEE]

I never come over here anymore and thus missed this...
I wanted to give you a huge hug and let you know that we are all there to cheer you on in any decision that you make.

I miss you so much here!!!!
and am very sorry for your loss...

You know how to reach me if you need to chat!!!

Hugs,

[crayonblue]

I am somewhat going through the same thing. We went through repeat miscarriages before Lauren was born. Lauren is now almost two and we both want more children. I'm on medication that should not be taken during pregnancy and I am about to start getting treatments for another condition and shouldn't get pregnant. DH wants to adopt, but later on in life. He really wants another biological child soon. This would mean me getting off all meds and dealing with the infertility issues. I would rather adopt now. I do know that I cannot push the issue and just have to pray that we come to agree about this, one way or another. Years ago, I pushed the issue of getting pregnant (I was obsessed about it.) and it just about ended our marriage!