View Full Version : Help at home after delivery

07-19-2005, 11:31 AM
My DH will be taking 3 weeks off from work when I have my baby. My mother also wants to come stay, but I tend to get very stressed out when she is at my house for more than a few hours. I know she is excited about her new grandbaby, and that she will feel like she is missing out if I don't ask her to stay. She was with my sister every day when both of her children were born (12 & 15 years ago), but she only lived a few minutes away, and my sister's husband could not take time off from work. I'm afraid that she will just add to my stress during what is probably going to be a very hectic, confusing time for me. This is my first child, and I don't know what to expect. Everyone tells me to get all the help I can, but I also don't want to make things harder by having more tension than is necessary. I thought about telling her she could come stay with me after DH goes back to work, but the baby will be 3 weeks old then, and I don't know if I'll need help by then. Also, by 3 weeks, she may feel she has missed out on her newborn grandbaby experience. Should I ask her to come for just a couple of days in the beginning? I don't want to make things harder on myself, but I also don't want to be selfish and make my mom miss out on an important experience. What should I do?

07-19-2005, 11:53 AM
Post-partum is just one of those times in life when you have to just do what's right for you. You never know how you're going to feel physically or emotionally. You just may not be up to the added stress of your mom.
On the other hand, dads get stressed and sleep-deprived too, and may be less help than you had hoped for.
How far away does your mom live? Is it a long trip?

I think I would tell your mom that you really need help NOW, before the baby comes. Let her help you shop for the nursery, cook meals to freeze, etc. That way she'll feel included, and you won't have so much to deal with. (And the frozen meals REALLY come in handy. I had my freezer packed!)

Another suggestion is that you let her come stay for two or three days about a week after you leave the hospital. That will give you and dh the time to settle into a routine with the baby. Also, you'll have some time to heal after the delivery, and maybe you'll feel more up to seeing your mom. I'm sure she will want to see the baby, and you will want to show him/her off. And the baby will see be tiny.

You can always ask her to be on stand-by and see how things go. I think you're mom will understand that you need some space.

HTH and good luck.

07-23-2005, 11:26 AM
Wow, I feel your conundrum! I love my mom, and she's a HUGE help, but she stresses me out and gets under my skin more than ANYONE in the world. Mine lives 11 hours away and wants to be here when I have our first baby. Thankfully, I have the added bonus of my mom being a recently retired pediatric nurse practioner! I've talked to a few friends with children about the same feelings you have, and they all mentioned that the annoyance and stress you used to feel with your mom goes away with the baby, because grandma is so focused on the newborn. And, if your mom is critical like my mom, apparently that goes away because you've just given birth to her perfect grandchild. Wouldn't that be fantastic? I know it will mean the world to my mom and terribly hurt her if I tell her she can't be here, so I'm going to invite her to come. I wish you LOADS of luck on this decision and all the best for you and your new baby!! :)

07-23-2005, 05:15 PM
Thanks you both for your help. My mother only lives 1 hr, 15 min away, but she is unable to drive, so we have to pick her up and take her home. She tends to stay for a while because of the transportation issue. I have asked her to come stay with us for 3-4 days until we get on our feet. I also added that if we didn't feel like we had our feet on the ground, we would probably ask her to stay longer. She seemed happy with that request, and I feel better now that I know it is not an indefinite amount of time, yet I still have control over how long she stays. Thanks for the support.

07-27-2005, 02:18 PM
I was in the same position, and I must say having her here was a HUGE help in the beginning. But I knew I would need my own space, so we had a rule- nobody but the baby, myself and my husband were allowed in our room. It really allowed me good private baby time with just my husband and kept me from feeling overwhelmed. It was my husband actually who stepped forth and said it was HIS rule. You will need help, and you will also want alone time. Hope this helps and good luck!
Mom to Mason, born 7/2