What to do about aggressive kid at playgroup?

[egoldber]

Today was my turn to host playgroup. We have a little boy in the group who has always been on the aggressive side, but lately has just gotten worse and worse. Today he bit through one of Sarah's Gertie balls and destroyed it, deliberately pinched another little boy on the cheek, and I *think* he also knocked that little boy down today too. In the past, he has pushed down many children at playgroup (including DD once). This type of behavior usually happens when he and another child are interested in the same toy.

He used to exhibit these behaviors occasionally, but today it was several all at once. I know that these are normal behaviors that all toddlers exhibit from time to time, but his aggressiveness seems to be really escalating. Maybe I have an exceptionally well behaved playgroup, but this little boy's behavior really stands out from the rest of the playgroup of 15 two year olds. All are normal and active and there are occasional "spats", but its only when he's there that there is a lot of physical aggression. His mother seems to be aware of it and always immediately goes to him and makes him apologize and says something along the lines of "No hitting, we don't hit", but as far as I can tell, this does not seem to be effective.

Honestly, I'm getting to be afraid to let DD play around this kid on a consistent basis. Unfortunately, he is very tall and solid for his age, so in addition to being aggressive, he's got some power behind it. I felt like I had to watch her and him like a hawk today to make sure she didn't get hurt and that he didn't damage my house or destroy (more) toys.

I don't know what I'm asking here. I guess I'm wondering if those of you with older kids can give some insight. Is this a behavior he's likely to outgrow? Or is he going to continue to get more aggressive as he gets older? Is this a common problem in playgroups? If so, how do you handle it?

Thanks,

[mom2kandj]

Have you approached his mom? You might start by just chatting her up to get a feel for her parenting style. You've noticed her awareness and immediate response, but the cause may be deeper than parenting or discipline. The child may have an underlying situation that could be causing the acting out.

My BF has a 3 and 1/2 yo who has a minor speech delay/sensory issue who is easily excited when around other children. My BF knows that her DS is excited to see the other kids, but has a hard time expressing it in words. What usually happens is that he gets excited, gets really close to the other kids, starts jabbering(because he is difficult to understand) and then tries to hug them or give them toys. The other children get confused and think that he is being pushy and trying to hurt them. It almost always ends with an articulate child saying that he pushed them and then he cannot express what had really happened and then he gets a timeout.

If you do get to talk to his mom, ask her what interests her son. For instance, when he starts to act up, try to divert his attention to an activity or toy that you know he will like and away from the negative situation. Or ask her to bring a quiet time book for him if the playgroup environment gets to be too much and he needs a break from the other kids.

In our playgroup, every child's personality is different. The boys we hang out with just tend to be on the crazy energetic side. I don't think that this little boy is doomed to become more aggressive, but I think that his energy could be redirected in a more positive direction. I think that if you asked his mom more questions, she might realize that she could be more proactive in setting him up for playdates by setting guidelines about appropriate behavior beforehand. If he knows what is expected of him before the playdate and has practiced appropriate behavior, it will be easier for him to model good behavior with the other kids.

I know that this has been long...HTH! Just my two cents!


Rose
mom 2 katie (33 months)
& Jack (16 months)

[lukkykatt]

We had a very similar situation in my older son's playgroup when the kids were about 18 months to 2 years. It was actually one of my closest friend's daughter who was the aggressive child, and that made the situation even worse.

This little girl pushed, screamed, bit and threw tantrums. Her mother did everything "by the book", consulted with other friends who are preschool teachers etc. She was getting frustrated because nothing seemed to be working. My friend ended up not going to alot of playgroups if her child was not in good spirits, and she also left early if her daughter started getting aggressive. The good news is that the child outgrew this behavior, and is now one of the most well-behaved children I know. So maybe the consistency helped - who knows?

The downside is how hard it was for everyone else to deal with this behavior - for both the children and the adults. The children started shying away from this little girl, and all the parents watched her like a hawk when she was near their child. My friend was very much aware that this was happening, which made her feel terrible. I know that some of the parents did talk to my friend about the situation too.

I am giving you both sides of the story so that you can see that this is just as bad for a caring parent as it is for everyone else. But of course, you have to protect the other children as well. I don't know that I am giving you anything useful here, but just wanted to let you know that we have lived through it. Hopefully, this mother will be sensitive about the needs of all the children in the group.

[egoldber]

Thanks for the thoughts all. His mom is certainly aware of it, but I'm not sure she perceives it to be the issue that some of us do. But its good to know that he is likely to grow out of it! We have years ahead of playing with this little guy!

[megsmom]

I haven't logged into here in a few days. Since I'm a member of the same playgroup, I have a feeling I know to whom you are referring. I do think some kids have a shorter fuse and tend to blow up easier, however it is our job as parents to teach them what is acceptable behavior. It is definitely a sticky situation here because you don't want to feel like you are telling other people how to raise their kids, yet you can't allow them to beat up on yours. I think particularly if your kid and house is involved, you have every right to say something to the child and/or the mother when you witness the behavior. I guess if it causes some hurt feelings, it does.

Occasionally Meg has had a problem with some aggressive behaviors (hitting, throwing toys, mostly with us vs. other kids) and the keys for us in helping her has been immediate and consistent discipline and reviewal of expectations/consequences before going someplace. I have shared some of these strategies that we've used successfully with the mom I think we are both referring to, but I don't know if they've tried them or they've worked. Maybe I could try to bring it up casually next time I get to playgroup (which is hopefully next Friday!)

One of the things I worried about when Meg was going through this was that maybe she was getting away with these behaviors at her sitters or at least the response wasn't what she needed to realize the behavior was unacceptable. I don't know. I routinely ask my new sitter if she has noticed any behavior problems over there and have given her permission to enforce things like time outs, removing priviliges and taking away toys when they are thrown. I wonder if the daycare situation with our little boy could have some impact.

Anyway, was playgroup any better this week?

Jen
mom to Meghan 7/13/01
and #2 EDD 11/12/03

[AugBaby]

While it may sound odd, I was happy to see your post. We have one playgroup where we have NO issues with pushing, shoving, destroying toys, and then we have....well, almost everywhere else we go we have all those issues! It's gotten so that I'm hesitant to go to group functions with dd unless I mentally prepare myself to walk out if a child becomes aggressive. DD has been kicked, pushed, poked in the eye, and had her hair pulled all within two feet of me and minding her own business.

I'm not sure if it's because I'm a teacher or that I'm a very involved parent, but the type of involvement by the mom as you described it just doesn't cut it in my book. Don't get me wrong, it's great that she gets involved. Many of the moms of the toddlers I described above didn't even blink or notice that their child was being aggressive with dd and other children. The fact that the boy's mom cares enough to make him apologize is great. However, he isn't going to stop unless his mom is there as it's happening to stop it and explain how he should handle the situation. It's as simple as saying, "oh, no Jimmy, don't bite the ball, hold the ball" in a shocked voice as you remove it from his mouth and show him how to hold it. Coming over AFTER it's been bitten doesn't help to prevent it when you see that gleam in his eye, prevent the ball being TOTALLY destroyed, or really help him to know how to act. He just knows he's got to apologize and may not be making the connection.

Grabbing his hand as it darts out to pull someone's hair, even catching it already in someone's hair but not yet yanking it and saying, "gentle, see, touch softly" as you stroke his hand on the other child gives him a concrete way to learn how to behave appropriately. I know you already know this or else your dd would be the problem child :-) I'm just trying to provide examples of what you might be able to say to this mom.

Now that I've vented a little myself :-), what do you do when you're you or me? You watch your dd like a hawk and need to "parent" the aggressive child if he's interacting with your child. This is actually easier since you know the child as opposed to the infrequent attendees at some of our playgroups, library groups. You have a relationship with this boy that you can use to teach him what is appropriate. It's a major pain, takes a lot of the enjoyment out of the situation for you, but is the only way that I and my friends know how to deal with the aggressive kids.

You have a huge advantage when it's at your house. There are certain rules that need to be abided by and you should state them at the beginning of the play date. "We're all here so that our little ones have a good time so please feel free to attend to them and not worry about social graces when talking with another mom. No one will be offended if you walk away mid-conversation to take care of/follow your little one". This is easier to say at the beginning of every meeting as opposed to just when it's at your house. Of course, you can word this more casually, but you want to keep some of the formal nature to convey the message that you want. I'm not sure if your group is too informal to make an announcement like this.

If the mom truly cares that he is aggressive and just doesn't know how to teach him acceptable social behavior, he may outgrow it as she stumbles across something that works. If she is like many of the moms I'm encountering who really just want to talk with other moms and don't care "that" much if their child is aggressive, the child won't outgrow it and a teacher will correct it when the child starts school. BTW, we never discussed rules in the group where we have no behavior problems. I think the moms all have the same standards as opposed to some of the moms in the other groups.

Good luck and know that you are definitely not alone!

[egoldber]

Well, it was better last week, but not so good this week. The mom was also mentioning that he had just recently been moved into an older age group room at his daycare, so I'm wondering if that might be a big part of the problem. She did mention they had seemed to have successfully conquered his biting problem, which he never exhibited (to my memory) at playgroup, but apparently was a big problem at daycare. So maybe she's just been worried about bigger issues that shoving and pinching so far!

And Jen, Meg does not seem aggressive to me. Active and lively and verbal, but not aggressive, at least no more so than seems normal to me at this age.