My son is a pusher!

[murasaki]

Hello, all:

I am new to the forum and was looking back over the posts from the last few months. I saw posts from moms of toddlers who hit other kids and toddlers who won't sit still. I can definitely empathize, as my son Adam (20 months) also won't sit still and is aggressive with other kids. At first, I chalked up Adam's restlessness and aggressiveness to the fact that he's a boy (this, after a lifetime of fighting sex stereotyping!), so it's great to read posts about toddler girls with similar behaviors.

Won't Sit Still: Sunday, I went to a neighborhood coffeehouse at which a musician was playing children's music. Someone had sent out an announcement to our local parents' e-mail group, so the place was packed. There must have been 50 toddlers there with their parents. The scene was dimly lit, crowded and VERY LOUD. Adam showed no interest in the musician. All he wanted to do was play in the stairwell, which exited onto a busy state road. So I just hovered over him, helping him up and down the stairs, making sure he didn't bolt out the door and end up as road kill on SR 97. I had such a miserable time and then developed a migraine when I arrived home. 50 other parents had well behaved children who didn't want to play in the stairwell. Why am I the only one in town who can't enjoy these events?

Regarding Gymboree: Adam really enjoys Gymboree because it's the perfect outlet for his boundless physical energy. He goes to the Play classes and he plays endlessly on the equipment. Sometimes he participates in the teacher-led activity, but that's rare. I don't mind having my son as the only one not in the circle because the Play classes are set up to be very flexible. Yesterday, we previewed a Gymboree Music class, and again Adam showed no interest in singing the teacher-led songs (although he did lead the group in very high-spirited dancing). So we'll stick to the Play classes.

Pushing: Last week, my son and I went to TWO events at which he was aggressively shoving other children out of the way. Adam shoves other children who get in the way of him getting what he wants: sitting in the rocking chair that he wants, holding a toy that he wants, or just being in the path of his indoor Little Tykes truck. Most of Adam's victims were toddler girls about the same age. In one altercation, Adam shoved the 22-month-old daughter of the party hostess and she fell back and hit her head on a chair. This girl was actually an innocent bystander in a shoving match between Adam and another toddler boy over a toy truck. Last week, one mom of a very well-behaved toddler girl in particular gave me one of those "You horrible mother. Can't you control your child?" stares.

I want to know at what age is it appropriate to start disciplining him to stop the pushing. Reading through previous posts on hitting has given me some good ideas about the positive discipline approach: showing Adam the acceptable alternative to shoving. This approach has worked well in teaching Adam to stop other bad behaviors: throwing toys ("We only throw balls, not blocks.") and throwing utensils & food ("The way to tell Mommy you're done with dinner is to hand Mommy the fork and spoon and say 'All Done.'")

I am a member of a 100-parent e-mail group in my hometown, but I'm reluctant to write that group for advice because the group includes many parents of Adam's pushing victims.

Also, I know what it's like to be the parent of a victim myself. Adam's best friend is the most aggressive little toddler in town and Adam has been hit by this boy many times. However, the friend's family has been overseas this past month, so Adam has been the most aggressive one in town during their absence.

I work part-time and Adam is in daycare/preschool three days a week. I asked him teacher if he shows this aggressive behavior in class and she said that he doesn't. What are the teachers doing right that I'm doing wrong?

-Troubled in Takoma

[KathyO]

First of all, do your best to relax and stop blaming yourself (impossible, I know - it's a mother's first reflex!) Yes, pushing is an undesirable behaviour, and you do need to react to it, but it's very common toddler behaviour, along with hitting, biting and a host of other unattractive things. Think of them as little 3-foot-tall cavemen... And I know it seems like every other toddler in sight is being perfectly behaved... this is an optical illusion brought on by being horrified by your own kiddo's behaviour. Whenever my daughter is being a monster, it always seems like every other child in sight is being a tranquil, compliant, sweet-tempered little angel. You just don't see straight at these times. (Besides, as much as we love our kids, we all have aspects of them we wish were different. Other parents of non-pushers may be wishing that their child was more assertive, less whiny, more able to concentrate, more sociable, not so shy... it's always something.)

In the Won't Sit Still and Gymboree departments - you are describing my 30-month-old daughter to a T. She is only now beginning to be able to sit and engage in group events, if only for a brief time. I am lucky enough to have a child-development expert among my friends, who has reassured me more times than I can count that this is still well within the range of normal. Her daughter was exactly the same way, and is now a charming, articulate teenager. Okay, he's not interested in falling in with the group - at least he'll be resistant to peer pressure when he's older!

In the pushing department - you just gotta be on him like a duck on a bug. He's too young to remember that you told him ten minutes ago not to push, and he's too young to be able to understand and negotiate about his behaviour, so there's no point in threatening to remove privileges, or in offering long-term rewards. So when he pushes, you intervene immediately, and even though he's not "getting it", explain clearly that we do NOT do this, and make a point of apologizing to his victim. You remove him from the scene of the crime, and re-establish him elsewhere, in a lower-key situation (e.g. if nobody's at the sand table, take him there.) Because at this age he has trouble generalizing from one situation to another (Mom didn't like it when I pushed Cindy, so I'd better not push Jimmy), you're gonna be doing this over and over again for a while before it sinks in. He probably won't understand why you're apologizing either, but this demonstrates to the parents of the push-ee that you're concerned, and you're working to change the problem. Folks are generally very forgiving if they see that you're not ignoring the issue.

You can also start eyeballing him for that pitch of overexcitement that leads to incidents. Does he do it more when he's hungry or overtired? Bring snacks, and avoid groups when he's due for his nap. Does he have any self-calming behaviours? You could work on getting him to sit down in a corner and hold his teddy bear, or whatever, when he's too wound up. It doesn't work for all kids, but some learn to do this themselves when they're too strung out. My friend's very-rambunctious son will now scoop up his security blanket and pacifier, and spontaneously go off to one side and chill out for a few minutes.

Finally, in your place I'd charge right in and ask for help in your email group. It's not like he's committing Murder One or sexual assault. He's just a toddler (and a very young one at that) who hasn't yet learned how to channel his rambunctiousness in a socially-approved way. Acknowledge the problem, boot it out into the open, be cheerful and open to suggestion, and people will come through. Heck, you might even open the door for them to come out with their problems too - and I guarantee you that they DO have them. When I'm stumped by a kid problem I canvass everyone; friends, neighbours, even sometimes strangers in the grocery lineup. I don't act on every suggestion I get, but I've had some amazing luck in collecting ideas and perspectives.

And ask his daycare teachers as well. If they've been in the business for longer than a month or so, they've seen your problem before. Possibly hundreds of times. They often have some great ideas.

I hope some of this helps. I swear, if I'd been at that coffeehouse too, I'd have been right there in the stairwell with you. It's a way bigger club than you think!

Cheers,

KathyO

P.S. - I'm curious - is Murasaki your name or are you a Tale of Genji fan?

[JulieL]

oh my gosh I needed to read this post SO BADLY TODAY!!! DS and I went to our local play group area to day and I about died to see my sweet little boy push SEVERAL other kids today. We go to this group play area every week at least 2 times a week and never have I seen him do this before, sigh... I hope he doesn't become an agressive tot, he never has been before...

[KathyO]

I really think a lot of them go through phases of experimenting with how to interact with other kids, including some more aggressive modes. The chief "pusher" in our play group has given up that behaviour, and is now into hugging and kissing other kids. Of course, we'll ultimately need to get through to him about the idea of "consenting parties", but he's only two, we have lots of time yet.

I have also been told, and have seen it in real life, that lots of kids go through an aggressive phase when they don't have enough language yet to express their emotions, wants and frustrations. When the language catches up, they stop needing to vent physically.

It doesn't stop us though, does it, from envisioning our child making headlines some day as the next Charlie Manson!! I remind myself that I was (I am told) quite a little biter in my day... haven't bitten anyone in DECADES now... !!

Cheers,

KathyO

[JulieL]

First I am glad you gave the biting up KathyO, that is so mature of you!;-)

Second I hope he does give it up. He knows lots of words but doesn't talk in sentances yet. SO I am sure when he does it will help. He is such a lovey child, gives TONS of hugs, that it kills me to see him push, sigh... Well I now have hope, THANKS!

[murasaki]

Hello, everyone:

Thanks so much for your responses! It really has made me feel much better. My son Adam is still pushing everyone else around but a few things have gotten better. Adam's pusher friend Sho - the only boy in town who is more aggressive than he is - is back from Japan. Yesterday at playgroup, Adam and Sho were (in the words of one parent) "not sharing... together", taking each other's toys, shoving each other out of the way, and in one case hitting each other over the head with the disputed toy.

Sunday, instead of taking Adam to the loud, crowded neighborhood coffee house to hear children's music, I took him to the daycare at church, which is a much lower-stress environment for both of us, and he did much better. And I was able to avoid the Sunday morning migraine.

OK, I tried to respond privately to KathyO about my login ID, but I can't figure out how the private e-mail works on this system. So let me answer her question here: Yes, my login ID is from the 1000-page, 11th century Japanese novel "The Tale of Genji". I was assigned to read it my sophomore year in college and always liked it. I have been something of a Japan-o-phile ever since, which comes in handy now when hanging out with Adam friend's Sho's family.

Thanks, again, everyone. -Troubled in Takoma.