Happiest Toddler on the Block techniques

[momtoemma]

No I don't have the happiest toddler yet...

I have a question for those of you that are using coping techniques from The Happiest Toddler on the Block book in dealing with your toddlers. I understand how I am supposed to use repetition and repeat back what is upsetting DD at the time she is crying, but I am unclear on how to provide an alternative or offer some sort of solution to improve the situation. I’ve tried this technique a few times and gotten a good response. DD stopped crying immediately and just looked at me like I understood her problem. The trouble is, once I did that, I wasn’t sure what else to say. If the child wants to do something that is unacceptable, what do you say once you’ve repeated what the child wants, etc…Hope this is making sense.

Thanks,

[Karenn]

I haven't read the book, but I have found that acknowledging the problem works really well with Colin!

I'll often say something like, "So your mad because you don't want to be in your carseat right now?" and he'll say his version of "Yeah." And I'll say, "I'm sorry. I wish we could take you out of your car seat, but we can't do that right now. Would you like to listen to your veggie tales cd?"

If he's still upset at this point I'll usually just repeat the problem again, "Your upset because you don't want to be in your carseat. Yeah, I'm sorry. I wish I could take you out right now, but we can't do that." and then offer a different alternative- "Would you like to watch for some trucks?" Usually I don't have to repeat myself more than once or twice. Tonight, he was REALLY fired up and I had to say essentially the same thing about 5 times before he finally calmed down.

I don't know if that goes with the book or not, (or is even what you were looking for!) but it seemed to work tonight when I was desperate! :)

[kec2003]

I also try to acknowledge the issue, then segue with a "yes" answer. It would seem sort of annoying to an adult, I would imagine, but it goes something like this:

"you want to go outside/go to the pool/whatever. I know, you really like to swim. Yes, we'll definitely go to the pool tomorrow! (Or whatever time that would work.) But right now we are going to drink your milk and read books before we turn out the light..."

You are the mommy -- you get to offer the choices! (Yes, I know you want cookies, but right now we are eating vegetables. Would you like broccoli or carrots?) DS doesn't snap out of it INSTANTLY, but as Lori said, a couple (or more) repitions usually gets the message across...

Good luck!

Katharine
Mummy to Christopher Finlay 9/6/02

[christic]

Well, I can't say that I'm a big fan of the Happiest Toddler book, but I very much like the idea of acknowledging a child's feelings when they're upset. Recently I've started pretending with Alice that we're doing the thing she wants to do but can't do at the moment. Like if she wants something at the grocery store that I'm not buying I'll tell her it needs to stay at the store but that we can pretend to eat it, then demonstrate in a cookie monster sort of way :). She'll then stay pretty busy eating more imaginary food and hopefully get me out of the store without a meltdown.

I've also found offering choices helps--making sure one of the choices has a touch of silliness to capture her attention while still getting the job done. This one I got off of slashdot.org of all places...When Alice is complaining about going to bed we tell her we know she'd rather stay up but right now she has 3 choices: She can walk upstairs herself. We can carry her upstairs. Or we can all crawl up the stairs roaring like lions.

I'm very thankful to an anonymous computer geek for that one!

[emmiem]

My husband I both read the book. He liked the technique, I hated it. It sounded like we were whining back to our toddler. It worked once or twice and then she caught on. Ignoring the tandrum or whining works best for us.
Michele

[Karenn]

Oh, I definitely think ignoring a tantrum is the best way to go! Is the book suggesting trying to reason this way with a tantruming toddler? I'm not sure that would work at our house! :) (You all have piqued my curiosity- I think I'm going to actually read the book so that I can legitimately contribute to the discussion!)

With Colin at least, I've found that not all crying is tantrum crying. There is some crying that is just sort of "disappointment crying" and it's at those times that he responds best to the empathy. When he's having a tantrum, I just let him go!

[lisams]

No the book is not about reasoning, it's about showing understanding. Just like when a friend calls to tell you how mad she is at her boyfriend, you match her tone and say something like "Oh Dana, I can't believe he said that, I would be upset too." instead of saying "Now stop your wining, you know boys can be that way!" or worse just hanging up on her. Toddlers want to be heard and in control, it's just that sometimes they don't have the words or the intelect yet to speak their frustrations and they are rarely in control. There are times I ignore her, when she's doing the "peek at mom while I do something that bothers her just to get some attention", but I don't think a tantrum is to get attention necessarily, I think it's an explosion of frustration, kind of like when you see someone screaming and throwing their arms about in bad traffic. That person probably had a rotten day, is tired and stressed and the trafic jam is what broke him down - he's not trying to get attnetion, he just doesn't have any control over the situation and all of the other crappy things that have happened have led up to the explosion. Can you imagine if someone who was in the car said "Isn't this horrible, this is an awful traffic jam. When we get home should we make hamburgers or steak?" That's basically the philosophy, I think ;-) At least that's what I got from the book.

I really think that showing you understand their feelings helps calm the storm. I usually say "Emma is mad, she's mad because she wants to go outside. She's mad, mad, mad. (she looks at me like, hey you understand) - do you want to get the playdough or crayons out?" Sometimes I can somewhat reason with her, like tell her it's too hot outside and that we can go out after dinner. But not always!!

Anyways, I liked the book, didn't like the theme throughout it, but it helped me peak into the toddler brain.

Sorry for the rambling!!
Lisa

[hjdong]

I haven't read the book, but I can sort of add here. Last night, we were watching our video from our adoption of Jamie (he was 19 months). The time I watched was from the first two weeks when we were still in China and those two weeks and the first two weeks we came home are the only time (knock on wood) that Jamie has really had any temper tantrums. I'm watching us play with him and I see on his face this look (which I now recognize) of, "I'm just barely holding it together," and we go and take away his ball to throw it to him. Well, surprise surprise, a tantrum ensues. It was sort of like watching a horror movie - no, don't take away the ball, what are you thinking?

Now I will totally admit to and love the fact that Jamie is enormously easy going most likely through nothing I have done at all. We're just lucky so far. However, there is definately a certain amount of empathy and just knowing our kid that has helped us avoid tantrums. Probably most parents have it without even realizing, because I wouldn't have believed we did such a bad job in China (relatively speaking of course).

I don't think it would help too much during a tantrum, but I think you would probably be surprised at how many tantrums a day you avoid just by knowing your child.

[Erika600]

I don't know. I honestly haven't read the book, but I am curious about the method. If nothing else, the parent might get some satisfaction at yelling back (or saying back with equal stress and emphasis) what the child is complaining about. I have seen him on TV and the whole thing just made me laugh. But if it works, it works! I guess we just have to try different things and see what works with our individual children.
BTW, does anyone know why you are supposed to answer back to the child in 3rd person (i.e. "Johnny doesn't want to eat his vegetables. Johnny would rather eat cookies, etc.). Just curious...isn't that modeling poor grammar?

[lisams]

I think, I may be wrong, but I think that pronouns can be confusing to toddlers which is why moms instinctivly say things like "Mommy is getting your lunch ready". I'm sure by the time they are 3 or so they will have it figured out.

I agree, though, it takes practice finding what works for you and your toddler. If I would have read this book a year ago I sersiously would have been laughing at it.

Lisa