How do you prep a toddler for a sibling?

[Marisa6826]

We haven't really "told" Sophie about her sister since being only 19m old, I assumed that her comprehension wouldn't be adequate.

However, I was laying down on the couch yesterday in her corral, while she was watching Baby Einstein. She came over to me, lifted my T shirt, patted my belly, and then pulled back down the shirt before walking away.

I was kind of astounded. So when I was laying down (again!) later in the afternoon, she did it again. This time I said, "baby!". So her new trick is coming over to pat the baby. I asked her if she wanted to give the baby a kiss and she did!

We have a Madeline doll for her, but she has no interest in it at all. Much, much, much more interested in her animals.

Am I supposed to be doing anything else? I rented one of those Stork Radios so I can hear the baby's heart beat (until I can start feeling her move - I know paranoid Mother). Should I let Sophie listen?

I'm going to cross post this in the regular Lounge too, since this one doesn't get much traffic.

Thanks!

-m

[Hallie_D]

Hi Marisa,
I got some great advice on this topic here a few weeks ago. We wound up doing something similar to you--we told DS (who is two) that there is a baby growing in mommy's tummy. He likes to look at, pat, and kiss my tummy all the time now.

Since he is pretty verbal, we've talked a little bit about what new babies can do (he was disappointed to learn they don't ride bikes, throw balls, or jump). I know he doesn't *really* understand that a new baby will be living with us in just 6 months, but he has some comprehension. He has given up his two stuffed dogs that he used to sleep and nap with in favor of a little soft "bundle baby" my sister gave me as a gift when DS was born--which he had never shown any interest in before. He offers the baby milk from his cup and makes it kiss my tummy sometimes, too. Very cute!

There are some good books out there geared toward toddlers about becoming a big sister/brother and we plan to pick them up when I am a little further along. Other than that, we talk about the babies we see while out and about or at daycare.

It sounds like you are doing the right thing with Sophie--reading her cues, introducing the concept slowly and at her level, etc. No matter how much they understand before the birth, I'm convinced it will always be something of a shock anyway--"what do you mean we are keeping this new baby FOREVER!!!???"

HTH,

[brubeck]

We had the same problem with Amy because she wasn't even 25 months when Andrew was born. She didn't really understand that a baby was coming. What I was able to do was introduce her to the concept of babies by showing her pictures of them in magazine, on tv and pointing out any baby we saw on the street (particularly if it was in a Baby Bjorn since I knew I would be relying on that a lot). So she understood what babies were (and that they didn't do much) but not that one would be in our family soon.

To go along with the 'What is a baby?' training I got some books on babies. My favourite was Our New Baby:

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0448411474/qid=1089928028/sr=8-4/ref=sr_8_xs_ap_i4_xgl14/103-7609430-2451866?v=glance&s=books&n=507846

This one was great because it was FULL of real photographs of toddlers and babies together. Amy never wanted to sit still for the real text but I would paraphrase it and describe the pictures to her. So she did learn that toddlers and babies CO-EXIST before her brother arrived. I also was afraid that she might get really jealous of all the time I was going to spend nursing, so I liked that this book had a picture of a Mom nursing with her toddler by her side. I just told Amy, "Babies eat from Mommy's chest." and again she was used to that idea and wasn't so surprised to see it happening when Andrew finally did show up.

Another thing we did was to take away ANYTHING the baby was going to use months before he arrived. So Amy moved out of the crib and it was transferred to an empty room (the future nursery). We got her a new carseat so we could use the RA for the baby. We put the RA away for awhile and then installed it in the car (rear-facing) about a month before my due date. I also took away all the toys that the baby might use, and any other baby-ish items. When I brought them out 4 months later Amy didn't recognize them at all and didn't feel like the baby was taking her things. We moved her out of the high chair when Andrew was about 2 months old (in preparation for his using it at 4 or 5 months of age).

The one thing they did have to share (at least at first) was the changing table. About 2 months before my due date we moved it into the new nursery. That way Amy got used to going in there for diaper changes before her brother showed up and used the table too.

So to sum up these last couple of paragraphs, we made as many changes as possible BEFORE the baby came so that the disruption the baby brought would be minimized.

[Karenn]

Helen,
This is a silly question, but I've been worrying about it since before I was pregnant again. Where did you change Amy when Andrew was napping? Did you set up a second station in another room or what? It's driving me crazy that I can't figure out the logistics of having two in diapers and just one changing table!

For Marissa and the rest of you anticipating number 2, a girlfriend of mine handed this book down to me and I thought it was a good resource with a lot of good ideas. [http://tinyurl.com/6rweh]

[brubeck]

Karen the reason you're confused is because you don't realize my sleep method, LOL. The kids NEVER nap in their bedrooms. Part of my original sleep training at Day 1 was that the crib was only for nighttime sleep. I didn't want them to play in the crib or have toys and then think at night that they should be awake and playing in there.

So where do my kids nap? In the play areas. When they were slug-babies I put them on a blanket on the floor. When they were a little older I put them in our gated play area. Generally they will play and then drop when they are tired. At night when they go to bed they know that the bedroom is for bedtime and even if they're not tired they should lie down and go to sleep. I have very little bedtime fuss.

Soooooo..... while Andrew was napping (downstairs, on a blanket on the floor) I would change Amy in his room. :)

[bnme]

My DS does the same thing! He likes to rest his head on my belly -mostly after he's lifted my shirt. We ask him where the baby is and he'll point to my belly -but I think just because we taught him that, not that he actually realizes. But sometimes it does seem like he does.

I will point out babies and say our baby is coming --again I don't think he really understands --just for conversation. And we tell him he'll be a big brother. I would definetly let her listen to the heartbeat! (we didn't rent one this time around)

I can't wait to see how he reacts when the little one arrives. I really have no idea what to expect!

[Hallie_D]

Oh thank you so much for posting that link! I don't know if it is swiss-cheese mommy brain or what, but it never occurred to me that there must be books out there to help parents get prepared for a second child. DH is especially excited because he is an only child and has been very worried about what will happen when we have to divide our time and energy between two--I sent him the link and he emailed me back immediately that he would definitely want to read that book. I just spent the last 30 minutes looking at related books on Amazon and now have about $65 worth in my shopping cart (including some potty books I'd saved to buy later and forgotten about!).

[Karenn]

Hallie,
I'm so glad it was useful! Let me know if any of the other books you get turn out to be worthwhile (including the potty ones!)

Did you ever end up getting Hand Food & Mouth like your DS? I was thinking about you because last week I had myself convinced that I'd gotten toxoplasmosis and I was thinking our angst might have been similar. My blood work said that I did not get toxo, which I mostly knew by the time the results came back, but it's nice to have one less thing to worry about. Hopefully you stayed well and your DS is feeling better!

[Hallie_D]

Thanks for asking, Karen. I never did get HFM, but I did get a bad, bad cold. I know Coxsackie can cause quite a few different reactions, but I don't know if the same strain can. My midwife said that she wasn't very worried about consequenses unless I got the same thing. On Monday I started feeling the baby move, which was a huge relief. DS is completely recovered. He does still enjoy showing me his hands and feet and saying "Blisters go away!" every morning, though.

How are you feeling these days? I'm glad the results were negative for toxo--we have a cat and I have an underlying anxiety about that, too. Thank goodness DH has gotten better at cleaning the litter box (my job when I'm not pregnant) without being reminded every single day!

[muskiesusan]

We mainly talked about it a lot. He touched my belly, helped get the nursery ready, etc. We also had two books, which he loved- "I'm A Big Brother" by Joanna Cole and "What Baby Needs" by Wm Sears (this one touches on breastfeeding). Nick has transitioned really well with having the baby around.

Susan
Mom to Nick 10/01/01
& Alex 04/27/04

[Karenn]

Hallie-
I'm glad you didn't get sick, and feeling the baby move must have been a relief!

Ever since I hit the 20 week mark, I've been feeling great! If only all of pregnancy were like this!

If it helps any, when I was having my toxo panic, one thing that I learned is that it's actually fairly rare in the US. Caution is still important, but infection is unlikely. Of course I'm still not going near the litter box but it helped me to know I don't have to worry quite so much.

[sweetbasil]

I'd definitely recommend talking to her about it, Marisa--- a friend of mine had her second son when their first was 2, and he was all excited about having a baby. But apparently, no one thought to talk through the entire transition with him. They explained the baby (brother) was growing in mommy's tummy, and when he was all ready, he would come out and big bro could meet him. Baby brother this, baby brother that....

So baby brother is finally born, and on the day they're leaving the hospital to return home, big brother says, "Good, we can go home now. Where will the baby live, though?" He had NO idea that the baby was going to be part of their family, live w/them, etc.

It seems logical to explain all those things, but I think they were keeping it simple for the big brother, and then he felt unprepared when the baby moved home with them. Pretty cute, I think, but it probably was a little more problematic for his parents to deal with the issue!

I think of you often and am so glad you're doing well!

Hugs,