If only I had known... (looking for advice/wisdom)

[Hallie_D]

OK, moms of two or more, as I enter my last trimester I'd love to pick your brains about big transition issues when you had DC #2.

What was harder than you expected? What was easier than you expected? What do you wish you had known before you had #2? What really helped DC #1 adjust to the new baby? (My DS will be 31 months when #2 is born)

For those of you who have two of the same sex, do you think that brought up any specific issues with DH or DC? We are expecting boy #2 and my DH is nervous that it will be harder to get used to a new personality than it would have if we were having a girl this time (he is also an only child, so he is freaked out about how parents can love two children of any sex equally anyway--I keep telling him not to worry, that he will love #2 just as easily and as much as #1!).

Also, do you have any tips about developing a routine with two at home?

Thanks in advance for your wisdom and advice!!!

[brubeck]

Well I expected the worst from my DD when I was pg with DS. This is because I was the eldest child in my family and my brother is 2 years younger. Apparently I was horribly jealous and exhibited every symptom of such short of physically hurting him. I expected the same from my DD but she took it better than that.

I tried really hard to be sensitive to her feelings. Whenever I was nursing DS I was especially careful and I would have her watch TV with me, bring me snacks, I would read to her, etc. That way she and I were spending time together even though I was attached to DS.

Another thing I did was I had my regular babysitter come in 2 mornings a week like she normally did (even though I was on maternity leave from work). I took this time to take DD out of the house and we had special Mommy/daughter time and my attention was fully focussed on her. I think this helped her cope a lot.

What do I wish I had known? That she would treat the baby as an inanimate object. She would jump over him and walk around him and totally ignore him as if he were a toy lying on the floor instead of a baby on a blanket.. As she got a bit more vigorous I would actually lock up the baby in the play area so he could sleep undisturbed (the same play area I used to confine DD in). After a couple of weeks she would just come up to me and say, "I need you Mama, put the baby DOWN!" as if I were holding a pillow or something. She didn't really connect with his being a PERSON until he was old enough gto smile and laugh and follow her around (albeit crawling).

I'm sure there's more, but that's off the top of my head.

[Karenn]

Ok, this is a little silly, but it's been far more unpleasant for me to change Colin's poopy diapers since Claire came along. I think I just got used to his full and fragrent toddler diapers. But compared to Claire's tiny newborn poops, they now seem really yucky.

So far, having two isn't the nightmare that everyone suggested it would be, but we're only one month along and I still have DH at home. I can't remember how verbal your little guy is, but another thing that has helped is teaching Colin to say, "Hold me." when he wants some attention. I think it's helped him to have the words to tell me when he's feeling a little left out.

One other thought, from all the books and advice, I had been worried that Colin might resent the baby and dislike her as a result. In fact, he really enjoys the baby. He just doesn't like not having as much of mommy's attention, but he doesn't seem to blame Claire for that. He thinks that she is great.

Good luck,

[brubeck]

ITA about the poops! It was such a pleasure changing newborn diapers as compared to stinky toddler diapers! I nearly cried when DS started solids and the BM poops went away. :(

We did the same thing with verbalization. Many of the 'new baby' toddler books have pictures of the kids feeling sad and then talking to Mom or Dad. So I told my DD, "See, the boy/girl is sad but then he talks to Mommy/Daddy and (s)he feels better!". I translated that into having her tell me when she felt sad and then I would stop whatever I was doing and give he a big hug and kiss. Of course now she's a regular Dr. Phil ("Mommy, that makes me feel ANGRY!", "Mommy, that makes me feel SAD!", "Mommy, that makes me feel HAPPY!", etc.) but I guess it was worth it. :)

[jadamom]

I really expected the worst when anticipating the transition to 2, but actually, it hasn't been too bad.

We prepared DD for it by reading lots of books about being a big sister and having a new baby. They are great in explaining what is expected to come, such as mommy going to the doctor and listening to the baby's heartbeat, mommy and daddy going to the hospital and DD going to grandma's, baby coming home and not being able to talk or walk, DD being helpful by bringing diapers and playing peek-a-boo.

Of course, DD did have more tantrums and tears during the transition, and was more needy ("Mommy, pick me up!", "Mommy, I need a hug!", "Mommy, put the baby down!", "Mommy, play with me!"), but she also never resented the baby and usually wanted to include her and take care of her.

We enrolled DD in preschool for a half-day 2x a week about 2 months before the baby came so that she'd have some fun activities to do and I'd have time alone with the baby. We also made sure that we scheduled fun things for her to do one-on-one with each parent, such as the zoo, library, playground, festivals, etc. We have a big stash of new books/toys/stickers hidden away to dole out to DD one-by-one when she starts to get stir crazy and bored hanging around the house so much.

I had also wondered how I could possibly love another child as much as I loved DD, but when the 2nd DD was born, I loved her whole-heartedly instantly, as well.

Good luck! Everything will work out fine. :)

I finally got a housekeeper (which has been a lifesaver!) and do my grocery shopping at night after DH gets home or while DD is in preschool.

[Hallie_D]

Thanks everyone! I can see why toddler diapers would become much harder to handle when compared to infant diapers. I am giving up my dream of DS being potty trained before #2 is born. That way, if it happens, I will be very pleasantly surprised. :-)

Right now DS seems very excited about the new baby. He loves talking to my belly, "sharing" his toys, food, and milk with it, and telling us all the things he will teach the baby once it has been born. He also likes to see real babies (every time we see one, he says, "My baby still in mommy's tummy"). However, I worry that once the baby is actually here, he will not be as happy as he thought he would be!