Sleeping and my 25 mo old. I am so lost...

[hellokitty1]

When it comes to Sydney and sleeping I am just lost at what I should do. At 25 months, she sleeps on a twin mattress on the floor and requires me and/or DH with her to go to sleep. She has never been an independent sleeper, i.e. we can leave the room while she's still awake. We tried CIO at 16 months and ended up packing away the crib and moving to a bed since the CIO freaked her out. It's important to note that Sydney could be categorized as somewhere between 'spirited' and 'cautious/sensitive.' (I'm not trying to label her but just letting you know the type of personality she has.)

Anyway, when she was an infant, I nursed to sleep. This wasn't intentional but when it took her an hour to eat, she was bound to fall asleep. This always bugged me in the back of my mind but at the same time, I knew she was too young to try any sort of technique.

Then when we transitioned to bottle, she managed to drink a bottle before bed and then just turn over in my/DH's arms and fall asleep. Then we could just put her in her crib, asleep already, of course.

We later transitioned off bottles at night and I think that is when we just started turning off lights and staying with her until she fell asleep. I always thought, however, that this could not be the right thing to do bc it would make a child feel abandoned to be there as she fell asleep but then be gone when she woke up. Nonetheless, for the longest time, she pretty much would sleep til morning and would even play in her room by herself when she woke up.

Anyway, for the last six months or so, it's just gotten out of control. She has to practically hold our hand to fall asleep. She wakes up in the middle of the night screaming her head off. As soon as we go in, she can go back to sleep right away. But then if she has her next waking at maybe 6am or so, if we don't go to her right away, she will cry enough to make her unable to go back to sleep. But of course, 6am is too early bc she is falling aleep by 8:30am. So if we want to let her cry some, we can only do it at the middle of the night waking bc anything at 5:00 am or later will result in a permanent wake up.

Just a couple months ago, she was waking up and coming to our room but she wasn't upset or anything. She would just bring her pillow and blanket as if it was a slumber party. We could literally tell her to go back to her room and she would. Of course, we'd have to follow her back as well. We handled this by putting a gate on her door. This actually worked well for us. However, after a few weeks, we took the gate down and within a couple weeks we were back to where we started but worse bc of the crying and screaming.

Anyway, if you're still with me, I thank you. I just don't know what to do. She has got to go to sleep on her own. And every night when we stay with her till she falls asleep and then leave her, I just feel cruel. Funny though, bc I'd still be willing to try CIO again. I'm so confused that I don't even know what I'm asking for in this post. Help? Support? Maybe I'd feel better if i knew there were similar/worse situations out there?

Help me please.


Vivian
Mom to Sydney (4/24/03)
www.sydneylin.cjb.net (updated 5/21/04 but major overhaul coming soon!)

[lisams]

I don't have any BTDT advice, but a "worse" scenerio since my DD is 2 1/2 and still needs to be rocked to sleep. I personally don't have a big problem with it right now. I have been noticing that in the past few months I can lay her down half awake and she will go to sleep on her own - which was something I could not do before, she would wake right up and cry (she sounds a lot like the same temperament too - sensitive/cautious)

I have heard about a method of slowly distancing yourself over a period of time. For example you lay on the floor next to the bed with your hand on her back then after a few days you just hold her hand, then you move to just laying on the floor, moving a foot or so every few days until you are pretty much at the door of the room. I have no idea if this works, but it seems like something that may work well with her temperament, maybe? It would take much longer than CIO, but it might be more comforting.

Hopefully more people will have some BTDT advice!

Good luck!
Lisa

[teddy]

Vivian,
I feel for you. I am in a similar situation and have done very little to try to change it. Why? Because I really don't want to deal with DD's crying and screaming because it will wake up the baby (6 months old). They share a room. I only hope it's something she'll grow out of-before high school would be nice.

My situation is that DD is 2.5 years old and cannot fall asleep unless DH or I am sitting next to her. Most nights DH puts her to bed (while I am with the baby) and he lies on the floor next to her toddler bed until she falls asleep. Of course he falls asleep first ;). But then she eventually falls asleep. And she has been coming into our room lately also, pillow and/or blanket in hand, and climbing into the bed. It gets too crowded and I usually end up back in the kids' room, sleeping on the floor.

Anyhoo, I am sorry I don't have any advice but just wanted to know that you're not alone in this problem. Hopefully someone will give both of us some help :)

[luvbeinmama]

>my DD is 2 1/2 and still needs to be rocked to sleep.

Mine too! Sorry, I haven't come up with a solution yet either.

[wendmatt]

Sorry you are having a tough time with the sleeping. DD was a terrible sleeper from 6 mths until around 18 mths when I was so desperate I went to a sleep clinic. It really helped to have an outsider look at my situation and give me a plan. I was still nursing DD back to sleep every 20-90 mins all night with a 5-6am wake up, so was exhausted.
The lady said I had to stop the nursing at night and try to get her to self soothe. She said to lay her down awake, kiss her goodnight and walk out of the room, leaving the door open. She said to potter around nearby so DD knew I was still there. Leave her to cry no more than 5 mins and then go in, shush her and say it's time to go to sleep and then leave and keep going in every 5 mins, continue until she was asleep. Repeat in the night when she woke up. It was really hard for the first few nights but she quickly started to go to sleep on her own and sleeping longer periods at night. I liked it better than just leaving her to CIO cold turkey as I'd tried that before and it didn't work well, she was still crying alot after a long time. I leave her door open and that's better for her.

Sorry this got long! DD is a much better sleeper now, not great but usually goes to sleep (a while after stories) on her own and usually sleeps through till 6am (or 6.30 if I'm lucky!)
I hope things improve for you, it's so hard when you know they need better sleep. It will help her in the longrun to be able to sleep on her own. Don't beat yourself up about it, lots of kids have been nursed to sleep and now just sleep on their own (lucky parents!) others are not so good and need a bit of encouragement. Not sure if I helped at all but wanted to sympathise.

[lizamann]

My personal opinion is that it's perfectly normal for kids to wake up at night, need help to fall asleep, and dislike sleeping alone. Just looking at the number of frustrated sleep posts is enough to tell me that. All these kids can't be abnormal or screwed up by bad parenting! Sleeping through the night, alone, is a modern ideal that we'd all like to achieve (don't I know it!), but it is not at all an indication of how normal or healthy the child is. So thinking that sleeping through is the "right" way, and these other issues mean problems, is just wrong IMO. That's helped me relax about it, but it doesn't help the sleep deprivation!

I've read your post a few times trying to figure out if you think this is an issue for you and your dh (sleep deprivation, resenting the time it takes, etc.) or a problem for Sydney (not teaching her the right way to sleep.) You say "she's got to go to sleep on her own," but again I can't figure out your reason. If it's out of concern for Sydney, I would try to relax about it and take comfort in the fact that she will eventually learn this. If it's out of a need for sleep on your part, then I have no advice other than to say that this is probably a phase that will pass soon! This long rambling post, with no help at all! Sorry!

Disclosure: my dd still nurses to sleep, for naps too. Sometimes she sleeps through, most of the time not. Usually she wakes once and I nurse her back to sleep in about 20 minutes. There have been times where she wakes up every 2 hours, though, and that is horrendous!

We've done CIO on two separate occasions separated by about 8 months. We did it out of sleep-deprived desperation, not to "teach" dd how to sleep. Both times it worked pretty well after several difficult days of hard crying. But the effects only lasted a month, and I didn't have the heart to start the process over again. I was under the mistaken belief that once you "fix" things with CIO, then it's a done deal. Not so at all! There is no way I will continue to let dd cry on a regular basis to go to sleep, so we gave up on that option. For now anyway, until I get crazy sleep deprived again. Here's hoping it doesn't happen.

Good luck! We are currently in a decent sleeping phase, and I'm sending some of those vibes your way.

[zuzu]

Sorry, no real advice from me, but I wanted to let you know you're not alone. We co-sleep, and have always had one of us lie down for a few minutes after story time until Sarah fell asleep. It didn't used to take very long, and we loved the sleepy cuddles, so we really didn't mind. Well, fast forward to the past couple of months. Now she sometimes cries for both of us to lie down with her, and it can take any where for 20 minutes to an hour for her to fall asleep. She isn't restless or crying at all - just lying there. She used to close her eyes when we asked, but has started to resist that in the last week or so. Ususally DH or I (or both of us) fall asleep before she does! (This has cut into our couple time, as well as having any time to get things done around the house in the evenings.) We've tried earlier and later bedtimes, with no improvement. She is also getting up once a night now on most nights, which she hasn't done for about a year and a half, and asks for milk and water. I know it could be much worse, so I'm thankful for the success we do have. We're not willing to try CIO, but may try Lisa's suggestion of gradually moving farther away each night. I wake her up at about the same time every morning so I can get her ready for daycare (the few nights she is up a lot, I let her sleep in a bit), but many morninga she seems tired. Though on weekends, she doesn't sleep much later, if at all when we don't set the alarm. Maybe things will be easier when she moves to her own room - who knows? We're all happy with the co-sleeping for now at least, so I'm not sure when we'll try that.

Hang in there - I hope things improve soon!

Melissa, mom to Sarah (5/03)

[mattiew]

Listening to music seems to help my DD go to sleep but there still are nights when we hold her hand. Telling her we will come back to check on her often works or telling her we need to get our pjs on, brush our teeth, etc. She often falls asleep before we come back. As far as middle of the night waking, my DD is 2.5 and that part just seems to get better the older she gets so hang in there. Sleep struggles are so draining!!!!!!

Carrie

[hellokitty1]

thanks everyone for your posts and words of encouragement. i am glad to see there is at least one other famliy that ahs to say with their child until they are asleep bc supposedly none of my friends have that issue. :-)

I just wanted to follow-up with where we are and to some of the comments/questions from posters.

DH and I don't necassarily mind staying with her until she falls asleep. BUT, it's not consistly a quick process and when it lasts over an hour and your night is shot, it is is very frustrating. Not to mention the fact that I usually fall asleep during this process but then have to wake up to leave which either makes me too tired to do anything else or makes me so awake that i can't go back to sleep until my "power nap" has worn off. Also, from a logical standpoint, i keep thinking that if I keep staying with her, then it just adds to the dependency going forward and at any other time of night when she wakes.

One poster asked if this was an issue for me or Sydney. I certainly think this issue is for all of us. My sleep deprivation may affect me directly but it also has residual effects on Sydney, parents with a shorter attention span, shorter temper, etc. all of this, i think has an impact on Sydney. KWIM.

Well, shortly after my original post, we took Sydney to the doctor bc her cold seemed to be dragging on and the ped said she had a sinus infection. A few days after starting antibiotics, she seems a lot better and while I don't want to jinx things, we have not had to tend to her for the last three nights in a row. One night, she did cry for me but only for like three minutes and then she stopped on her own and fell back asleep. Three nights in a row is a record. It must be all the good sleep vibes everyone is sending. We'll start trying the "slowly distancing yourself: technique soon. We did that one before and it lasted awhile but eventually we fell back into the same pattern. I'm sure some of it is related to our consistency as parents though.

Anyway, thanks for keeping up with me this long.

Vivian
Mom to Sydney (4/24/03)
www.thelins.znot.net (FINALLY updated 6/15/05!)