need to chat about weaning 12-14 mo old

[lizajane]

i just can't decide what to do. schuyler is a year old TOMORROW! (!!) we are perfectly happy, nursing three times per day. he is into it and does ask for it around the time he usually nurses every day. so what is my question, you may ask?

i want to ttc in may. i think i might want "my body back" before ttc. but then again, maybe i don't really care. but i DO NOT want to nurse while pregnant. so i definitely want to wean before getting pregnant, which is why i would like to wean before may 15ish. just in case i get preg on the first try again.

so i don't know what to do because i certainly don't feel any need to stop nursing right this very second. but i don't want to continue for another month or two if schuyler will only get MORE attached. i don't want to make it harder on him to wean by waiting until 13 or 14 months. i will just cry if i have to see him ask for it over and over while i refuse. ugh! i would like to go with don't offer, don't refuse.

should i "risk it" and see if walking makes him less interested in nursing? he is perfectly happy to drink soy milk from a sippy. or will he just get more and more attached as he gets older and "more aware."

i just don't know!!!

to be clear- we are definitely going to wean before may 15. i just can't decide if i should do it sooner than later. both for his sake (so it won't hurt his feelings when we wean) and for mine (having my body back for a month or two before ttc #2).

please share your experiences with weaning between 12 and 14 months.

[ralu]

I would start early; it took us 3 months to wean completely. (He was also feeding 3 times a day when we started.) The problem is that there may be some unexpected event (teething, cold, etc.) that may delay your progress.

We gradually dropped one feeding at a time; the hardest was the early morning one. At some point he had a cold and we regressed to three or even more feedings (esp. at night). It was the only thing that seemed to comfort him. Also occasionally he would wake up and absolutely insist on nursing.

HTH,
Raluca

[Momof3Labs]

If you plan to wean by dropping one feeding at a time (my recommendation), then I would start now, because it could take a month or more to have him weaned. Start by not offering, and actually distracting him, at his least favorite nursing session. For us, it took two tries to drop the AM session. The first time Colin pitched a fit because I gypped him out of his num-nums. The second time we tried, I was prepared with a sippy of milk, and gave him that and put him in his chair for breakfast right after waking, rather than offering the breast. After that day, Colin didn't look back.

His next least favorite is bedtime, and we haven't had much luck dropping that one, though he only nurses for a few minutes and doesn't get much. But if I don't offer, it will take quite a while for him to go to sleep. So since we aren't in a rush, I've kept this one around but haven't made it attractive (don't interact with him much, if he pops off and looks around, I don't encourage him back on, etc.). I probably need to have Daddy do bedtime for a week, and then he'll probably be done with that feeding. Or I need to figure out some alternate cuddling time and see if that suffices.

Naptime is another story - I don't see that one going away for a looong time. Oh well!!

I wouldn't wait and assume that walking makes him less attached - my experience is that anything that stretches Colin's limits/abilities actually draws him MORE into nursing, like he needs to touch base more often when he is becoming more independent.

And if you wait too close to May 15 and force him to go cold turkey, you could end up with a real mess - a friend of mine went through that when her daughter was about a year old, and she had to wean for an IVF cycle. It was VERY hard on both of them, although they did it and the baby is no worse for wear (however, mommy still feels terrible)!

[lizajane]

hmmm... any other thoughts? i think i want to drop nightime first. then daddy can go straight to bedtime without worrying about "the milk." i have already switched dinnertime and nursing, so that nursing is at 5 and dinner at 6. so he goes to bed without nursing again. maybe i could move the 5 up to 4, then 3, and then combine it with the middle of the day nursing, which is now at 1 or 2.

[shishamo]

I think it depends on a child, but I would start weaning gently now, it can take a long time to wean that last 2-3 sessions. Just to give you an idea, I started to wean (I did "don't offer, don't refuse" ) both my kids around 12 months but they didn't really wean till 21 and 22 months respectively, and that's when I got pregnant and I had to 'help along'. At 12 months, my DS was nursing 3-4 times a day, and my Dd was nursing all the time.

This is what I did after I discovered the don't offer, don't refuse doesn't work for me: I had to distract and replace with something different-for example, pre-dinner nurse can be replaced by reading a book with mommy and a sippy cup- that way, it's cuddly and yummy, just like nursing. Pre-nap session is always the hardest to break: I think I replaced it with rocking in a chair with lots of cuddling until the baby get sleepy. TO be really honest, there were some tears, especially the pre-nap nursing. It broke my heart. It made me really reconsider about nursing through pregnancy (which I know can be done). But amazingly, they do forget about it after a few days.

[nohomama]

You've got two conflicting things going on here--a deadline and a desire for weaning to be child led. Your solution is probably going to have to involve compromise, and as others have suggested, I believe starting sooner rather than later is your best bet.

Regardless of what you do, you should know that child led weaning is NOT the only gentle way to wean a babe. My circumstances were very different from what yours are but the way I went about weaning Lola was primarily Mama led. A lot of the preliminary steps I took don't to apply to your situation since Schuyler already seems to only be nursing 3x a day, but I'll tell you what I did anyway in case you find any of it helpful.

First, I restricted nursing only to home. If Lola requested to nurse while we were out, I told her she'd have to wait until we got home. Once that was established, I restricted it further by telling her we could only nurse in the armchair in our living room (a.k.a. "the nursing chair') and/or Mama and Papa's bed. I took my time and allowed several weeks for Lola to get used to these adjustments before moving on to the next step. Not only did these actions cut down on the number of times a day Lola nursed (very minimally) but they also introduced the concept that nursing was now something that was going to be controlled by me rather than her.

It wasn't until only nursing at home in certain places was well established that I began cutting back on the number of times I nursed Lola during the course of the day. Getting down to 3x a day actually happened fairly quickly, as did cutting back from 3x a day to one.

First went the before bedtime feeding. I dealt with that primarily by turning over the nighttime ritual to Papa. Next to go was the after nap feeding and for that I used diversionary tactics--a special treat, a sippy of milk, reading books, snuggling, etc.. I think you're idea of slowly combining the nighttime and after nap feedings is a good one.

For Lola the hardest feeding session to give-up was in the morning upon waking up. My approach to that one was largely don't ask, don't refuse. Consequently, it took about 3 months to let go of that feeding entirely. Lola nursed for the last time on 9/4/03, her second birthday.

I won't lie and say that my approach, gentle though it was, didn't involve some tears. Going from nursing on demand to having restrictions placed on nursing is a hard adjustment to make. My feeling was and is that continuing to nurse in a way that makes Mama resentful is more detrimental to the mother and child relationship than tears shed. If Mama's not happy, ain't nobody happy.

Be creative. You WILL find a solution that works for you and Schuyler. You may find once you get going that you're willing to put off your May 15th deadline for a few days or weeks. Then again, you may not. You may also find that weaning from 3 feedings a day winds up being an easier task than you thought. Or not. Remain as flexible as you can but start this whole process now while you still have the time to be flexible.

Lots of luck,

[christic]

We weaned between 12-14 mos and I found it to be a very easy-going time to do it. I think you've kind of got a good window there when they're more interested in the world but still not to a really tough negative phase. Judging from my daughter I would NOT want to wean a 15-18 mo old! If we'd waited longer I don't think I would have felt comfortable about weaning again until now that she's 2.

We did leave the bedtime nursing for last, and I was prepared to let her keep that one as long as she wanted. I was surprised when she gave it up on her own very quickly. A couple times I was away for her bedtime, and when we'd done that before my husband always gave her a bottle. I let him decide if she wanted it or not and she started going to bed for him without it. Then sometimes she would want to go straight to bed even when I was there, and then she was done altogether. Since your nightime nursing is before dinner it should be even easier. I'd just offer him milk in a sippy instead and that might be perfectly ok. That's what happened with our daytime nursing.

The early morning nursing was the toughest, but my husband took over the mornings and they started this little milk, cheerio, and raisin breakfast ritual that they still both really enjoy. It sort of became there special time together with no one but them--like we'd been having all those months before.

It's all kind of bittersweet, but I will say I was surprised by how freeing it felt to have my body back. I wasn't expecting that, and if you're planning to head straight into another pregnancy I'd recommend it.

Good luck!

[JLiebCamm]

I dropped nighttime first by having DH do theh bedtime routine for about a week. It was an easy transition. Then I dropped the morning session by keeping DS busy with dressing/breakfast up until the time that we needed to leave for the sitter's (would be harder if I was a SAHM). We're still working on the last remaining session, which is the one when I come home from work. I know it's a way to reconnect and a security blanket of sorts, so I'm having the most trouble with this final leg of the wean.

When my mother was trying to wean my brother (who nursed FOREVER) she ended up taking him to Grandma's for an extended vacataion to break the routine and expectations. This worked well for her as a last resort!

[mharling]

Liza -
I am in the exact same boat in terms of wanting to TTC and have my body back for a little while. It's crazy enough having 2 people wanting my boobs; I couldn't imagine throwing pregnancy on top of that!

I have still been nursing Lane on-demand, which for us means any time and any place (read: in the middle of toys on the floor at random times). I don't regret this in any sense, but I think it will make weaning complicated for us. He currently nurses first thing in the morning, a little while after breakfast, before and after naps, before bed and then a couple other random times during the day. He is a wonderful eater at mealtime and I'm surprised he has wanted to continue to nurse so much.

So, here is my unscientific approach. I have cut out nursing after breakfast. When he crawls to me and tugs on my shirt I offer him a sippy of water. I still nurse him before his morning nap and then he goes straight to the highchair after his nap to have lunch (instead of nursing first). We nurse before his afternoon nap, but not after. I try to make it to dinner and will offer a sippy again if he acts like he wants something before that. That leaves nursing before bed; not sure how we'll approach that one.

Basically, I've cut out the 'random' nursings and nursings immediately after naps. When we do nurse, I make sure we're either in bed, on the couch or in his room. No more laying on the floor!!!

Once we've done this for a little while, we'll work on dropping the specific nursings. In that sense, I've been reading this post with a lot of interest!

Good luck to you!!! We'll have to keep each other posted. :)

Mary
Lane 4/6/03

[MartiesMom2B]

I'm glad that you posted this. I guess my first step is to go from nursing on demand to only a certain amount of time per day. I'll have to discuss this with DH, because it seems that weaning will have to involve him more.

I have a feeling that our hardest nursing session to drop will be the 5:00 AM feeding because that's her morning nursing session and she goes back to sleep right afterwards until 9:00. Does this mean she'll be up for the day at 5:00 from now on?

Sonia
Proud Mommy to Martie 4/6/03

[christic]

My honest opinion is that if she's still going to sleep after that 5:00am feeding, I wouldn't drop it! I enjoyed the post above that talked about mommy vs baby led weaning and I have to say that of all the feedings we dropped the early morning feeding was the most mommy (and eventually daddy!) led of them all. But that was because my daughter eventually stopped going to sleep afterward and I was wiped out and desperate for some relief.

Have also wanted to add to the discussion that it's very very nice to let the final feeding you wean from to be as baby-led as you can make it. I read somewhere? that it helps to save the 2nd most favorite feeding for last rather than the most favorite. We kind of did this on accident--but it did work very well.

[mharling]

Sonia -
We have been successful (so far!) this week to getting down to a specific number of nursings (4). I realized that Lane had never really asked to nurse when he got up from his naps and that I was just offering. Those 2 were very easy to drop!!

We will stick with 4 times for 2-3 weeks and then figure out the order we want to drop the next feedings. The plan is do drop one every week, but we gave ourselves some cushion just in case it doesn't work.

Mike & I had a thorough and honest conversation about weaning a couple of weeks a go and agreed on the approach I outlined above and have started. Mike & I being on the same page has helped things tremendously, so definitely have the conversation before you start changing anything. Good luck!!! We'll have to compare notes down the road. :)

Mary
Lane 4/6/03