I'm so sad :-( (LONG)

[psophia17]

I've been posting a lot lately with teething and breastfeeding questions, and as great as the advice I've gotten has been, I'm going on week three where DS either doesn't BF at all, BFs once first thing in the morning but only if it's dark out, or BFs a tiny bit before breakfast.

I can't go on like this. My breasts are uncomfortable, every time I offer and DS rejects I want to cry, and it's so hard to keep smiling and pretending like it's no big deal. It is a big deal. I wanted to BF for at least a year, and I had small goals. First it was 3 months, then 6, and then until I felt like stopping. It was so easy and wonderful and after we got the hang of it, I loved every minute of it. I don't love what's going on now. I can't have the daily goal of "maybe DS will BF today." DS obviously doesn't miss it, he will snuggle with me and be held and everything, but if I take out my boob and offer it he pushes it away.

I tried manually expressing, and hardly got anything, which isn't a surprise given how lackluster DS's nursing has been for the past bunch of weeks, and now, I think, I'm at the point where I have to make a decision to stop. I'm only 7 weeks from my goal of 1 year, and I don't want to stop, but if I don't actively decide to stop offering, I'm going to be an emotional wreck and that's not a pretty sight. I honestly and truly think that he is self-weaning, and that this is not a nursing strike or related to teething. Although I know that more BF would be good for DS's health and I don't want to stop, it will be best for us to stop.

But I am so sad ;(

I just had to get that out, and I know the boards are the place to go for the kind of support that I could use right now. DH and the rest of the family just don't get how sad this is for me.

-Petra

DS - Nathan, 12/29/03, BF 10 mos, 1 wk, 1 day

ETA: I found the BF ribbons after I posted, and I'm using the 9 months plus the 6 weeks, which is the closest I could come to what I actually managed. If anyone knows of a 10 months ribbon out there, let me know, please, and thanks!

[missmelis01]

Petra-

Big hugs out to you. I can only imagine what you are going through. Even though you didn't reach 12 months, you should feel an overwhelming sense of pride for BF as long as you did, and trying so hard over the past "bunch of weeks!" :-)

Only 14% of women who BF make it to 6 months, and you made it far longer than that. What a great thing you did for both you and Nathan.

[psophia17]

Thanks so much for that - I never imagined how hard this would be for me. If DS does seem to be looking to BF, I'm going to let him, but that's as far as I'll go.

How did he grow up so fast?

[Judegirl]

Oh, Petra, I'm sorry. I went through this when dd was just 3 months old, and I was completely blindsided by how dificult it was emotionally; I hadn't even wanted to bf in the first place!! I'm sure it's even harder for you...but I agree, it's easier once you stop offering. Even now, every once in awhile I'll offer (I'm still pumping), which is ridiculous in the first place, and then I get sad when she doesn't know what the heck I'm doing.

You've done an AMAZING job, though, and your son is very lucky. Try to take solace in that for now, and when you can, maybe also in having your body back for yourself! :)

Best,
Jude

[ellies mom]

Maybe you are looking at this wrong. Yes, you wanted to go for a full year but instead of looking at it as a Quantity (# of months) look at it as a Quality, the amount of time YOUR child needed it. That is a wonderful achievement. Your child was able to make that decision, the decision to wean wasn't placed on him. Lucky child.

Yes, it is sad. It is always a bit sad when when our babies start becoming more like little children and less like little babies. It is especially sad in this situation because it was such a partnership you and your little guy had going. Of course those other people don't understand, but we do.

[dowlinal]

Petra,
Big Hugs!!! This is how breastfeeding ended for us so I know how horrible you are feeling. After 3 very rough months DD decided that she didn't want mommy anymore and would scream at the sight of a boob. I think I cried for 2 days when I made the decison to stop but it really does get easier once you make the choice.

Like everyone else has said focus on the fact that you made it to 10 months. That is absolutely amazing and you deserve big kudos. I also had a one year goal and only got to three months. Not to mention that you have a happy and healthy son who is that way because of you.

A

[tarahsolazy]

I know I would feel the same way in your situation, Petra, I'm sorry you are sad! From what I have read, its very common for kids Nathan's age to have a disinterested period, and many wean during that time. You said you'll still BF if he seems to want it, though, so maybe he'll pick up again. If not, you have done a great thing for your son. Don't make yourself an emotional wreck, as you said, you deserve to be happy. Just love up on that baby, take him away from the IL's, and hug him.

[kensjen]

This is hard, believe me I know how hard it is. But my son did this around 4 months. I pumped exclusively for a long time after that and fed him EBM, but I'm not sure I would do that again. It was very hard physically and emotionally, and I missed out on just having fun being a mom. I was very stressed about it.

Your DS may have a different goal that you, and that is OK. Like everyone said, you made it MONTHS longer than the average mama and don't stress about not making it to a year, be proud of the 10 months, 1 week, 1 day....:) Any breast milk is so wonderful for your child. And who knows, maybe he will pick it back up again, at least that is what my LC kept promising me!

You have to do what is best for you and DS, that is the most important thing. And of course we will understand here, so glad you posted!!

[sntm]

Petra, big hugs to you. Be proud of what you were able to accomplish. I wish I could have been there IRL to help you out then, and to give you a tremendous pat on the back now for all that you have done. Nathan will be proud someday of all that you did.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
shannon
not-even-pregnant-yet-overachiever
trying-to-conceive :)
PREGNANT! EDD 6/9/03
mama to Jack 6/6/03
http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_gold_12m.gif[/img][/url]
Breastfeeding 16 months and counting

[hez]

Thinking about you. You've been doing a fabulous job! I've said it many times-- it amazes me how much of our emotions are tied up in feeding our kids. Wishing you well in this transition.

[lisaE]

Oh Petra.

I got teary-eyed reading your post. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Just wanted to tell you that I think you have done GREAT! You have nursed so much longer than most moms, you should be very proud of yourself.

Take care

[ginalc]

Can I guess where Nathan gets his independence!?! :)

This chapter in his life is ending, and you should be very proud that he is so secure and happy! What a lucky little boy!!! :)
Sounds like you're doing a terrific job mothering your little angel.

Hugs to you! And I'm not familiar with the ribbons, but it sounds like you deserve both.

gina, mom to 3
new baby due 5/05

[kellyroo3]

I think it's absolutly wonderful that you were able to breastfeed for as long as you did. You have accomplished what many women have not been able to, including myself. I wish I had stuck with it for a longer period of time and now I am having to wean myself from using a breastpump exclusively and my baby is only four months old.

You were able to provide the very best for your baby and you should feel proud. Your baby still loves you even if he doesn't want to nurse, he's just outgrown it. You've done nothing wrong and as emotionally traumatic as it is right now you have a lot of women who admire what you have done.

I hope you get to feeling better soon and that the posts encourage and uplift you that what you are doing is really okay.

[Rachels]

You've done a wonderful job no matter what your ribbon looks like. I understand your sadness. Try to take good care of yourself right now and be proud, mama. You've done good work.

-Rachel
Mom to Abigail Rose
5/18/02


"When you know better, you do better."
Maya Angelou

http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_sapphire_24m.gif Two years and counting!

[billysmommy]

Petra,
You have done a great job and BFing for almost a year is such a great achievement. You should feel great about BFing that long and everything you have given your DS by doing so.
Billy decided he was finished with BFing while we were on vacation in St Thomas this July. He was only BF in the morning and before bed and I loved every second of it. The first morning we were there, I offered and he just looked at my breast, laughed and pushed it away. That was it....every time I offered while we were there I got the same reaction. When we got home he was slightly interested the first day back but only took a couple sucks and he was all done. It was very hard at first because it wasn't my decision to start weaning. I cried for days. I still get teary when I see moms BFing their babes and wish he was still.
I'm wishing you lots of good thoughts to get through this and just remember a good cuddle with DS and a good cry does help some. :)

[papal]

Hey Petra.. sending BIG hugs to you. You have done SUCH a wonderful thing for Nathan.. i know how hard this is to see your baby refuse the breast... it is very difficult emotionally.
Pat yourself on the back and go get yourself a nice non-nursing bra as a special treat.
Lots of hugs to you mama.. you done great!