My mother is coming, my mother is coming! Help!!

[emelsea]

My mother has not supported my decision to BF my son. It all started when I was pregnant and she asked me which bottles I wanted to use. I told her I didn't think I needed any, since I was going to BF. Her reaction was "Why would you want to do that? You're not Amish!". She came to visit when DS was 1 week old and I was having problems (something I have since discovered is not unusual, but at the time, each feeding was a struggle, and I was feeling like a failure). This just seemed to confirm her opinion that bottle is best and she kept saying "Why don't I just go get you a Playtex nurser?". I thought my DH was going to physically throw her out of the house!

Flash forward a few weeks and things are going just fine now. My son is breastfeeding like a champ, and also has a couple bottles each day of EBM - usually that is Daddy-time. I let it slip one day when I was on the phone w/ Mom that I was getting a bottle ready for the baby and she nearly fainted with glee, but when she found out it was EBM, she had a fit to rival Rumplestiltskin. Now she makes comments about me getting milked twice a day like a cow. If she calls and hears the pump, or if I say I am nursing, you can almost feel her disapproval oozing through the phone.

Her newest thing is to keep pushing me to put "formula" in his bottles. But her idea of formula is a recipe of carnation milk, Karo syrup and water!! She asks me if I want her recipe every time she calls. Finally, one day, in desperation, she said "Even Enfamil would be OK!!!"

I think that her main issue is that she didn't breastfeed her children. Mom is very opinionated, and it makes her crazy if one of us expresses an opinion other than her's. I think she feels like we are, in some way, telling her she is wrong.

I've tried just saying "I know you fed me carnation milk and Karo syrup and I turned out OK. I just think that this is right for me." I've tried to educate her on my decision and how good it will be for the baby. She just takes everything I do as an insult to her.

For the record, she also doesn't "approve" of the baby sleeping with us in our bed, she thinks that he should be eating cereal by now (he is 10 weeks old), and at one week of age, she declared him spoiled because I feed him on cue and hold him if he fusses.

She is coming for Christmas and will be here for a week. Any suggestions to make it though, and still enjoying the holidays with my first child? I just want her to enjoy him, too!

[deborah_r]

"carnation milk, Karo syrup and water" Oh my goodness.

"Why would you want to do that? You're not Amish!" I'm speechless.

I could cite more examples, but frankly, I cannot bear to read through that again, and I am sorry you are having to live it. Maybe get your mother a book with information about how to feed and care for a baby in THIS century??? Maybe take her to a pediatrician visit with you and your son?

Other than that, I cannot think of a nice way to tell her to shut up, mind her own business, and let you raise your child. Sorry.

Oh and I just love how she is "insulted", yet you and your choices are being insulted by her left and right.

I hope someone has some better advice than me! Sorry, the things she said just made me really mad for you!

[kristenk]

Oh, dear. It sounds like you might be in for a long week!

My mother never had a problem with my breastfeeding DD, but I do think that she took it at first like an accusation (as in, "Look, I'm bfing *my* DD, why wouldn't you do the same for me?") and might have had a big of a hard time getting used to it. If I mentioned any of the benefits of nursing, she'd seem to take it, once again, as an attack on her mothering ability. I know that things were different when I was a baby, and I know that she did what was recommended, but I'm going to do what we now know to be best for baby! But I digress... :)

My mom's attitude got a lot better with time (although she was never as bad as your mom). One thing I did do, though, that seemed to help, was I left The Baby Book by Dr. Sears out on the coffee table in the living room after I looked something up in it and I know that mom looked through it and discovered that things had changed in 34 years! Maybe you could do something like that, so your mom could see what a *doctor* had to say about nursing. Definitely don't point out the section on bfing or anything, but if she's at all interested, she could always look. I know that when I was a baby my mom relied heavily on whatever my pediatrician said, so maybe your mom is the same way?

Otherwise, have a wonderful holiday and just completely ignore everything your mom says about feeding your DS (which is much easier said than done). Go into a private room to nurse or pump so that your mom doesn't stress you out. You're doing what's best for your baby and she just needs to come to terms with that. Good luck!

[egoldber]

"carnation milk, Karo syrup and water"

Well, in the days before commercial formulas like Enfamil and Similac this is what mothers who did not breastfeed fed their babies. There are some studies linking this "formula" to the near epidemic of Type II diabetes among adults of that generation.

But to the OP, my suggestion is to put your foot down with your mother. Today the issue is breastfeeding and co-sleeping. Tomorrow it will be solid foods. And then it will be discipline. You are the mother and you and your DH get to make these decisions. You need to put your foot down now or it will only get worse as your DS gets older and the issues become more complex.

I would just say "Mom, I love you, but you are NOT DS's mother, I am. I find it very hurtful when you say things that disparage the choices I am making as a mother. Please stop." And then DO NOT discuss it again.

HTH,

[calebsmama03]

UGH! I cannot believe anyone would be that intent on sabotaging your Bfing relationship! You are a far better person that I to let her stay for a week knowing that will occur! Like Deborah, I can’t think of a nice way to say it, and being hormonal and pg now I’d probably just say every nasty thing that’s on my mind. But, given that it’s Christmas and you’re probably nicer than me, what about saying something about how each generation wants to give their children more than their parents gave them and that you’re Bfing because they’ve discovered how many benefits there are to both mom and baby with Bfing.
Lynne
Mommy to Caleb 3/3/03
http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_emerald_18m.gif[/img][/url]
Oh my!! #2 5/05

[papal]

Oh my goodness!!! I am stunned and speechless. I agree with Beth, today it is bfing, tmmrw it will be something else. Draw your line NOW. She is crossing yours way too many times imo. Tell her that if she wants to participate as a grandmother in your babies life she will have to STOP saying the stuff she is saying.. it is not your responsibility to make her feel less guilty for choices she made (if it is guilt). Or better yet, take her to the pediatrician with you and 'prep' the ped before for the reason you are visiting. I think hearing it from a professional might change her attitude. That would tick me off!!!!

[deborah_r]

>"carnation milk, Karo syrup and water"
>
>Well, in the days before commercial formulas like Enfamil and
>Similac this is what mothers who did not breastfeed fed their
>babies. There are some studies linking this "formula" to the
>near epidemic of Type II diabetes among adults of that
>generation.
>

I suspected that to be the case, but I still say "oh my goodness" that anyone would still recommend it today!!!

[June Mommy]

ITA with everything pp have said. I'm SO sorry you have to put up with that. I thought my MIL was bad! You are a saint. Anyway, one reason I think that my MIL did not approve of my BF'ing (aside from the fact that SHE did not do it and SHE, after all, is right about everything) is because she wanted to be able to feed DS. So maybe you could offer her the chance to give your DS a bottle of EBM while she visits? I know you have probably tried every reasonable arguement with her already, but with my MIL and my truly well-meaning mom, I just mention how much things have changed in the past 30 years, and ignore unwanted advice. Easier said than done, I know.

[Saartje]

I'm probably not as nice as most people here are. Given that you've already made the effort to educate her and been rebuffed, I'd probably say, "Mom, they used to think formula was better for babies than breastmilk. Now they know that's not true, and I'm going to breastfeed my baby. If you want to read more about this, I'll be happy to give you some materials on the subject. Or I'll answer any questions you have. Otherwise, if you can't just drop the subject, I'm going to have to ask you not to come over until the baby is weaned, which won't be until he's at least a year old. I love you and I want to see you, and I want you to be with the baby, but this can't continue."

It would probably not be necessary to carry through on that ultimatum, but if it was, I would. But that's me. I'm not recommending this, but a version of it might be something you want to have in mind for emergency use.

[miki]

You are all much nicer than I am. If my mom said those things to me, I would tell her she is not actually staying in my house until she can refrain from making those comments. And I'd tell her to stay in a hotel if she wanted to visit so I wouldn't have to be around her 24/7.

[HelenD]

I SO, SO, SO understand. Oh BOY, do I understand.

I think you need to find a quiet time (not when she makes the side remarks that will flip your lid) to talk to her about it. I know you've tried, but for the week, it might help. She is obviously motivated by love for your child and for you. (Keep reminding yourself of this) I sincerely doubt that she's making these suggestions to you because she wants to ruin your child's health. (I mean, destroy your BF relationship. No, I mean...Oh heck, let's just say, I'm sure she's not motivated to suggest all this by spite) **She thinks** she's giving you the BEST, HEALTHIEST advice. She's motivated by love. She loves you and your child. You might want to just approach it by asking her why she's so pro formula. Ask her if she thinks you are harming or hurting your child by not feeding formula. Let her get it all out. And listen. Let her talk and talk and talk. Try not to interrupt or defend or educate until she's gotten it all out.

When she's rested her case, then calmly explain why you've made the decisions you have. Explain how you understand that formula was once considered the only safe way to feed a baby, but why it's been proven differently now. Hopefully your DC is growing well. Tell her about DC's growth, health, etc. Tell her you understand that she disapproves, and it's duly noted, but that you need to move on from that. (If you wanted you could ask her to read a few current things on BF vs. formula so she could understand your point of view). And she needs to understand that your decision is to keep BFing and until that changes her comments are not welcomed. If and when you need information on formula, you'll call her right up (and um, check all her facts after that, but I digress). If after this talk, she brings it up, remind her of it.

I think it's a really, really, really, REALLY good idea (I've done it) to leave information around the house where she might glance thru. Even one page print outs of BF facts. You can even put some in sneaky places (like near the toilet) and say you keep it there for encouragement when things get hard.

Joke about feeling like a cow. I know I DID start to feel like a cow, but I work so I was pumping 4x a day sometimes. When I made that joke, I'd always throw in a side comment about how good it was for DD, or how proud my Pediatrian was of me for keeping at, why it was so important to keep going, etc.

Definitely pump so that DM (Darling Mother) can give a bottle. I found that this seemed to me to be a prime motivation for trashing my BF relationship by all local relatives. They wanted to feed the baby so they could do some bonding.

Good Luck. Don't let it ruin your holidays.

And I know you KNOW this, but, I always appreciated it when people remind ME, so...

You are doing the BEST thing for your child and yourself. It's a gift to your child's health and growth. Good for you and Good for your child that you've made this decision. The way to continue to have success is with support and getting answers to your questions. If you ever need anything, just ask. BF is not easy, and I'm always impressed by woman who are able to make the commitment.

Congratulations on making a really WONDERFUL decision for your child.

Merry Christmas, too.

Helen

[psophia17]

ITA!!! I can't think of how to emphasize how totally I agree - where are the bells and whistles on this message board?

I had a horrible time with DH's family as far as being supportive of BF went. Mine was great, and although there were times when I felt comparable to a cow, having grown up on a dairy farm helped me to avoid that...I mean, it wasn't someone besides me attaching the milk machine, right?

That said, when MIL and A(unt)IL came to vist when DS was 2 weeks old, it helped that they already knew I wasn't going to listen to them - they had spent a while trying to convince DH to convince me not to BF, and he eventually told them off, although I'm not sure how he managed it. AIL was especially bad, she never had kids (had a complete hysterectomy when she was in her early 20s) and thinks she knows everything. She was insistent that we feed cereal and formula and if not formula then dry milk/karo syrup was okay. I ended up giving them both research projects to do before they visited. I basically sent an email with links to BF information and said "this is where I have gotten my info on BF from - even if this info wasn't available, I would still BF my DS, but since it's there and I don't feel up to arguing, please read it and let it argue for me. When you get here, I don't want to hear one word about it." I didn't give an ultimatum, but it was implied.

In your case, your best bet is to nip it in the bud before she gets there. You know your mother best - whatever will work is the thing to do.

HTH, and please keep us posted!

[kijip]

My first instict is to tell you to make sure she stays in hotel. At 10 weeks, having such a negative voice in the home for a week could really stress you out!

Other than making her stay elsewhere, I would just tell her that the issue is not about which is "better" but what you have decided to do as a parent for YOU child.

[emelsea]

Everyone - thank you for your support and the advice. I think the thing that frustrates me the most is that she is so unwilling to learn about anything that goes against "her way". I've known this my whole life, but now her bossy attitude just feels so personal, for the first time, it really hurts that she is so negative. Usually it just rolls off my back.


I hate to say this, but I am really beginning to dread Christmas this year! When she was here right after his birth, it was horrible. I feel like she is watching and judging everything I do (and she is), taking notes for a future attack. I can't turn to her for advice like other daughters might turn to their mothers because she immediately lays blame on my choices. If I say that DS was up a lot in the night, it's because of the diapers he has on, or because I'm not giving him cereal yet, or because he isn't in a crib in the other room. She could never just be satisfied to give me some tea and sympathy and cheer me on - y'know what I mean?

I can't tell her not to come for Christmas - this is her first grandchild, after all (and my Dad is wonderful, so if I told Mom to stay away, Dad would have to, too).

You are all right, though. I have to lay down the law right now. I know that she will keep her mouth shut if I am really firm about it. I guess I am just mourning that Grandma - Mom - Child relationship that my son and I can't have with her.

[tarahsolazy]

I'm sorry that this Christmas visit is so stressful for you! I think Helen's got wonderful advice, though.

And, as to future visits and your longterm Grandma-Mom-Child relationship, you never know. I hope that as your little guy grows, your mom will see that your choices are producing a fine, healthy grandson, and she'll become more tolerant. As your experience and confidence grow, I hope she will get less bossy!

When my ILs (very pro-BF) visited when DS was 6 weeks old, I used BF as an excuse to have some alone time with my babe. I like my ILs, but still... I'd take him into my room and snuggle and nurse him on the bed. It made the visit much easier.

Good luck talking with your Mom.

[HelenD]

I got so bogged down in writing the other stuff, I completely forgot this part:

You need to ask her what it would take to convince her. What proof she needs? Ask her if seeing a the policy on what pediatricians recommend feeding infants? In short, ask her WHY she so strongly holds these beliefs and what proof you can offer her, (and list some of the easy ones to remember off your head) to convince her you've made an informed and SMART decision that's healthiest for your child. If she says there is nothing you can do to convince her, you need to point out how unreasonable she's being.

Here's a couple of link that might help:
The AAP policy statement:
http://aappolicy.aappublications.org/cgi/content/full/pediatrics%3b100/6/1035
Here's some authoritative links: (American Academy of Pediatrics, American Dietetic Assoc., American Academy of Family Physicians, American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, The World Health Org, the Pope (if you're Catholic), the US Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC)
http://www.kellymom.com/bf/start/prepare/bf-benefits.html#statements
Here's the kellymom.com page on handling criticism
http://www.kellymom.com/bf/criticism.html
Some articles to help you brush up on BF facts:
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/2/T020100.asp

Good Luck, don't let it ruin Christmas. I'm pretty sure Mary BF if it helps.

Helen

[Java]

Are we sisters? We seem to share the same mother.

I totally know what you're going through. My mom is the same way. When I miscarried my first pg, she told me it was my fault for playing sports, not eating right, being too skinny, etc. Not one ounce of sympathy at all.

As much as my mom drove/drives me nucking futs, I could never tell her to stay in a hotel or tell her not to visit. She IS my mother, for better or for worse. What I've learned to do is to just nod and smile, (pretend to) listen to what she has to say... then go on my merry way. At first it was very very difficult to not tell her off and prove to her that she's wrong but she's set in her own ways and thinking. Unless she has an open mind (which she doesn't), there was nothing I could do, say or show her that would change her mind. It just made things very tense for us and resolved nothing. After some time of her observing that I was going to do what I wanted to do regardless of what she insisted, I think she finally gave up. She still nags me (that's expected - I'm sure we'll be champion naggers when our kids get older) but at least I know enough to not try to change her and thus all my anxiety is gone. Moms say stuff they think should be done - then they can say that they said it. Does that make sense? That's their way of being involved since they aren't the mom to your baby and for the most part can't do hands-on things. So they nag to compensate.

There were times when I couldn't take it anymore and took Kael away to another room for some peace and quiet. Rude, yes. But it got the message across to her that I was pissed off and to can it.

You know your mom best. This may not be the most mature way to handle the situation, but it worked for my mom. She wasn't going to read any articles or educate herself because she thought she was right. So I didn't waste my time. I would however, mention little bits of information when the time was appropriate (like while nursing DS or on a quiet walk) so it wasn't confrontational and would be taken in a better way.

Good luck!

[trentsmom]

The PP gave great advice. And of course you can come here to bitch if it gets too bad!

>Good Luck, don't let it ruin Christmas. I'm pretty sure Mary
>BF if it helps.
When I was first BF and having problems, my prayer to Jesus was that I wanted to feed my son just like His mother fed Him. If you are religious, this might be a good thing to point out.

Also, I don't know how my husband and parents feel/felt about me extending BF past a year, but I just "happen" to drop into conversation about how healthy DS has been, and how I want to continue to protect him through this cold and flu season. I'm sure your mother doesn't want to see her grandson get sick. And since your son is too young to get a flu shot, breast milk is the best thing in case he is exposed.

[jerseygirl07067]

I feel your pain. I posted on this quite a bit several months ago when I was going through this type of thing with my own mother.

My mom's messages were similar, (though maybe not as harsh) like "what kind of formula are you going to use, you should give her more solids and less of "that pumped milk", and of course the whole, "you had fomula and you were fine bit". One day she even sat next to me as I was nursing DD and she said, "so when are you going to stop breastfeeding? You were fine on formula".

What aggravated me most about the comments is that my mom is a high school science teacher and from a science standpoint is USUALLY very up on the latest advances. Yet, she continued to take my breastfeeding as some kind of personal attack on what she did or didn't do 30 years ago. She kept trying to justify her ways by attacking mine, which it what your mom is doing. (Maybe an insecurity thing? Who knows?) Actually, I'm finding a lot of people of our parents generation are like that when it comes to child rearing.

So the clincher was on Mother's Day this past year. My MIL who has actually been more supportive of my decision to BF, started talking to my mom about all of these new baby recommendations and before long the two of them started kind of ganging up on me about, "oh well you guys had this or that when you were babies and you were fine - these recommendations are so ridiculous, yada, yada, yada."

I quickly retorted, "Actually we were lucky. There were some babies out there that weren't and that's why recommendations get UPDATED over the years. And even though it was supposedly safe to smoke, and drink during a pregnancy and ride around without a seat belt, etc. etc. you guys did it and "we were fine". Yet, you know darn well that you wouldn't want that for your grandchild now that "you know better" so think about what you are saying!"

They both shut right up and it's never been a problem since!!!

Good luck!! Think about why your mom is making these comments, and maybe it will be easier to handle!!

Marcy
baby #2 EDD 5/25/2005

[LBMommy]

I just want to add that whenever my Mom/MIL makes comments like that: "we did XYZ and you kids turned out fine.." I respond "well, three kids isn't exactly a significant statistical sample pool, is it?"

Jen
Mom to Avery 8/23/04

[missmelis01]

I know you have gotten some great advice, but I just had to chime in on the topic!

As some of the pp said, I would lay down the law BEFORE she visits. You can tell her you appreciate all of her advice, and she obviously did a wonderful job of raising her own kids (i.e. you!!! :-) ), but now it is your turn, and you'd like to make a go of it on your own for now.

And as far as how things have changed over the years, back when we were all kids, seat belts were not mandatory, nor was a car seat. And many parents didn't baby proof their homes. So does that mean that our parents were terrible? No, just that so much has been learned over the years and we can be thankful of all of this new knowledge!

If all else fails, can you ask your dad to talk to her?!?!?!

Good luck.

[lerlerler]

" Mom, I know you followed expert's opinions when I was a baby, and I thank you for that. Please allow me to do the same, if you would like to call my pediatrician, that would be fine"

Then never mention it again


PS I was fed karo/carnation!!! blech

[jmelyn]

My suggestion for surviving the holidays (happily) with your mother?

Drink copious quantites of alcohol!

Okay, just kidding. Especially since you're breatsfeeding. I have no constructive suggestions...just kudos to you for having courage in your convictions to do the right thing for your baby.

Best of luck to you!

[Marisa6826]

One word. HOTEL.

Seriously. I would tell her as nicely as possible that if she doesn't knock off her behaviour, she's not welcome to stay in your home. Nobody needs that kind of negative attitude.

hugs

-m

[Marisa6826]

I think we have very similar Mothers. In fact I know you're too new here to know the full saga, but I have written many times about my on-going drama with her.

After 34 years, I've finally decided it's time to cut her off completely. I;m not willing to buy into her emotional terrorism anymore. I have a family to protect and won't subject my children to her insanity.

Have you talked to your Dad about her behaviour?

Be strong and follow your gut.

hugs

-m

[alaible]

I would just basically say to her shortly after she arrives. "Mom I know you don't agree with us on lots of things. But my husband and I have researched things and come to our own decisions and we would prefer not to debate these things with you. I want us to have a nice visit free of conflict." You might want to also tell her that "You know she did things differently but you aren't judging her based on those decisions and you wish she would return the favor and not judge you just because you made different decisions than she did."

If all else fails try and ignore her - remind yourself that it is only a week.

[ckleist]

I haven't read all the replies, but I think you need to make some ground rules with her now before she comes. Basically just lay down the law that nothing she says is going to change your mind, you've done the research and that you are doing what is best for your baby. If she doesn't like it and can't keep her opinions to herself, then she is not welcome in your home. I know this seems very nasty to do, but my mom is sort of like this, and sometimes you just need to play hardball to get them off your back.

By the way, I'm bfing ds #2 and both my kids have acid reflux, so automatically she thinks it is my milk and that maybe I should switch to formula...also, taking her with me on a couple dr visits with my first son helped with her not telling me what to do all the time.

[Michellev]

Your mom sounds a lot like mine. I got so tired of her "advice" when my first was born that I told her she should call Children's Aid if she had an issue with my parenting, otherwise she should shut up. She is shocked that my 11 wk old hasn't started cereal yet, and has asked if my milk is any good or if it is like water. WTF? I chalk it up to her being completely uneducated.

Good luck at Christmas! Stand your ground, ITA with the poster who said you need to nip this in the bud now or it will get worse.

EDITED TO ADD: By the way, my 11 wk old son weighs 16 lbs, so I really don't think my milk is "like water". It seems to be working quite well. :lol:

[ribbit1019]

I don't have anything constructive to add...lol But I wish you luck and strengh to get through the week!

Christy

[AbbieF]

Just wondering how the week is progressing? I think that you just need to remember that this is more a reflection on her feelings about herself and probably her feelings of inadequacy. I know it seems like somewhat of a contradiction, but it follows along the lines of "the best defense is a good offense".

More importantly, you've tried to address the specifics with your Mom, but how about the larger picture? Believe it or not she probably doesn't realize what she does to you and maybe its time to put it on the table in order to work towards the relationship you want.

I would tell her how her comments make you feel. Tell her, something like: Mom, this is an exciting and also nervewracking time for me. I want to be the best mother I can and we have really taken the time to research our options and have made deliberate choices about how we would like to raise ds. I realize it may be different than the choices you would make, however I hope you would support me and love me during this time. Do you realize how hurt I am by the things you say? It makes me feel defensive and I feel like you give me no credit for being an intelligent caring person. Right now I just need you "to give me some tea and sympathy and cheer me on" I hope you can give me and my family the support we need, because I want you to be involved in our lives.

I wouldn't want to try to say I know what you're feeling and I hope I wasn't presumptuous. Just focus on what's important to you and what you need from her to make this relationship work better. I say this lovingly from the perspective of the last child of 8 in a half Italian household, the DIL of a woman with 5 children and 4 sisters!You can only imagine how many variations of this conversation I've had. Keep us posted!
Abbie
Mom to Maddie 4/17/04

[Melanie]

So, I'm late coming to this thread, but how did it go?

We were at the ILs for dinner when Ds was a few weeks old and having one of our difficult early-week BF sessions (when Ds was screaming and not wanting to latch), Dh was trying to evoke some patience & sympathy from his mother by saying, "You remember what it's like," MIL exclaimed "Well I don't know what it's like because I gave you a BOTTTLE AND YOU WERE HAPPY!" Thanks lady. I kid you not, we've not been back to their house since. Yes, she does still play a part in our lives, but she's learned her lesson I think: Do not mess with us and our parenting philosophies. Havent' seen Step-Jerk-In-Law more than 3 or 4 times since. No loss!