Why wouldn't you at least want to try?

[JoyNChrist]

Just got back from visiting a friend and her five-day-old baby boy. We got to her house when she was feeding him, and she asked me when Avery started taking more than 2 oz. at each feeding. I told her I didn't know, since I breastfeed. She said, "Oh, that's not for me." I said, "So you didn't even want to try it after he was born?" "Nope, just not my thing."

Now, I consider myself pretty non-judgemental about the whole feeding issue. If a mom can't breastfeed or decides after trying that it's just not something she wants to do (even for purely convenience reasons), I'm perfectly okay with that. Your baby, your body, your decision. But what I can't understand is why someone wouldn't at least want to try it. With all the research supporting breastfeeding, it's just a no-brainer to me that you would want to give it a shot. Then, if you don't like it, proceed to formula guilt-free.

I know for a fact that the hospital she delivered at is very pro-breastfeeding (I delivered there, and they have three LCs on staff and are very encouraging). We also use the same pediatrician, so I know he's pro-BF as well.

It's just sad to me that she's missing out on the experience without even trying it. I didn't think I'd BF long, because it didn't seem like something I'd enjoy. My plan was to BF for the first six weeks, then switch to formula. But we're still going strong at 3 months, and I love it (the convenience, the closeness, etc).

Again, I'm trying not to judge her decision, since it's completely personal and none of my business. I just don't get it...why wouldn't you want to try?

Any insight? I'm not going to discuss it with her or anything (she's made her decision and she's happy with it, so who am I to try to change her mind?). I guess I'm just curious.

[lisams]

I can't personally say because I was determined to breastfeed and fortunately didn't have super huge struggles that others have. Now, I never ever thought I would breastfeed beyond a year (heck two!) and I know that unless you do it, you just can't fully understand the experience.

There are a lot of health choices we as parents make for our children. Some things one mama has strong feelings about, another isn't. I am very much against circumsizing my son and any future boys. For others, it isn't a biggie. Some families eat 100% organic food, some choose no sugar, etc. I think the important thing is that the education and support is out there for those who want and/or need it.

[babysophia]

There are plenty of reasons why someone would not want to try breastfeeding. It may not be supported in their culture (either their family culture or their ethnic background). They may have husbands who do not support it. They may have been victims of abuse, and thus have a difficult time seeing breasts without negative sexual feelings. They may be taking a medication and might not want to expose the baby to it (even if evidence leans towards it safety)....and also not want to tell you about it. Ditto with a medical condition that is not compatible with breast feeding. They may have tried it and failed, and not wanted to admit to failure.

Susan

[SnuggleBuggles]

I spent a lot of time over on the feeding choices' debate board at Baby Center and heard all sorts of reasonings. I still didn't get it though if mom and baby were physically and emotionally healthy.

I have heard, "It's gross"; "that's not what breasts are for" (one of my favorites); "I want my body back after being pregnant"; "only cows do that"; and the general, "It's just not for me."

I respect the decision each person needs to make for themselves though. I had a friend who unsuccessfully bf dd1 (lack of support and information) and decided not to even bother with dd2. I tried to say that it could be totally better and different but she had her mind made up. I backed off and we just left the feeding thing off the table n our talks usually.

It seems so hard for me to hear the "it's just not for me" when the mom didn't try it. Even if she tried a few days it's still tough for me since I don't know very many women who like it those 1st few days.

Beth

[Bean606]

I so hear you. When my cousin was pregnant, I asked her if she planned to nurse, and she replied "No way. I am not a cow." I was so shocked, especially, since she knew I was BF my son. Whatever.

[LarsMal]

A good friend of mine has been saying for years that she has no intentions to BF. She just found out she's pg, so it'll be interesting to see if she sticks with that decision. Her DH has asked me several times to "convince" her to BF. All I can do is give her the information that supports BF and let her make her own decision.

In her case, she is going back to work, so she feels that she doesn't want to pump, so why BF at all? I have tried to explain that she's going to have milk come in anyway, so why not pump a little- any BM is better than none, right? In the end, though, she (just like your friend) has the right to make her own decision. I have several friends who never BF and their children are just as happy, healthy, and loved as other children who were. Just try to be supportive of her as a new mom and try not to let it bother you too much!

[egoldber]

"why wouldn't you want to try"

I think one of the more common reasons is a history of sexual abuse. Sadly, more women than you think have been abused and it's easier for someone to say "it's gross" than to say "I was victimized and I am uncomfortable with my body".

And given that so many women of our mothers and MILs generation were told that formula is better, there is often very little emotional support for breastfeeding. I know that my MIL thinks breastfeeding is gross and thinks that "the LLL people have brainwashed me to believe their crap". *eyeroll*

[SnuggleBuggles]

"I think one of the more common reasons is a history of sexual abuse. Sadly, more women than you think have been abused and it's easier for someone to say "it's gross" than to say "I was victimized and I am uncomfortable with my body"."

That was one of the biggest reasons cited on the other board. It was just too hard to separate the physical act of bf'ing from their past experiences.

Beth

[momofmany]

The choice of how a mother feeds a baby is a highly personal decision and is affected by all kinds of factors.

For myself, when my first child (now 13) was born, I could not fathom nursing - not in the least. I worked as an financial manager in a fortune 100 company - and there was no support for nursing women (and I mean none). My sisters did not have babies, my working friends all formula fed, and I had no frame of reference for nursing. I knew I'd be going back to work after 12 weeks. I couldn't imagine the number of times I'd have to nurse a baby per 24 hours and my husband was indifferent. Formula feeding felt like the best option and it worked fine for this baby and the next one.

Moving forward, by the time babies #3 and 4 were born, I'd become more educated about breastfeeding. I also realized the great convenience of nursing and I was no longer working outside my home. Both of these babies nursed for 18 months and never once received a bottle. They were always breast fed and were with me.

My point is that people's opinions and behaviors change with life experience - at least mine did. I wasn't at all at a point 13 years ago where I could have nursed - but I learned more and was in a different place for my younger children. I now give lots of support and encouragement to nursing mothers.

Your friend's opinion may change - but if not, this is just one component of her parenting style.

[lisams]

I know that
>my MIL thinks breastfeeding is gross and thinks that "the LLL
>people have brainwashed me to believe their crap". *eyeroll*

Ah yes, the "breastfeeding Nazis" as I've heard people refer to the LLL.

Sad.

[JoyNChrist]

Thanks for the insight, Beth. I hadn't thought of sexual abuse.

[JoyNChrist]

My friend is also going back to work (although only part-time), so that may be a factor.

It's not a huge deal to me, and it won't affect our friendship or my support of her as a parent in any way (I think she's going to be a great mom!). If anything, I'm just kind of sad for her that she's missing out on what has been such an enjoyable experience for me.

[lisams]

I feel the same way - some of the best memories of DD's babyhood are of our special nursing relationship we had. I tell her stories all the time about when she was a baby and how she loved nursing, now that she sees me nursing DS.

[Bean606]

I know - literally every time my MIL sees me or speaks to me on the phone, she asks me when I am going to stop nursing. And EVERY time, I tell her that I will do it when DS is ready, and he will let me know when he is ready. It is SO ANNOYING! They were at my house last weekend, and FIL came out with a comment that LLL is all propaganda. Fortunately, I was able to hold my tongue because DH stepped in and shut them both down by saying that it had been scientifically proven that breast is best and "Giving him formula would be like eating hot dogs and mac n cheese every day instead of whole grains, veggies and meat." Now, I know it isn't exactly like that, and we give DS formula when I haven't pumped enough, so he knows it, too, but it was nice to have DH defending me!

[Jenn98]

I had a similar question, though not exactly the same as yours, awhile back. Here is the link to that thread. You may find it helpful - I know I appreciated how much I learned from it!

http://www.windsorpeak.com/dc/dcboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=86&topic_id=41443&mesg_id=41443&listing_type=search

ETA: I want to be clear that I understood you were just asking a general question and not being judgemental of your friend. I only linked to this other thread because there was some gerat insight in it for me about FF moms.

[DrSally]

Yes, some studies say 1 in 5 females (and 1 in 10 males I think) will be sexually molested/abused by the time they reach adulthood. That's a lot of people and an issue that isn't out in the open.

In addition, some people just don't see themselves doing it. Others don't want to be disappointed again after an unsuccessful first attempt.

[gina]

BRAVO to your DH!

I wish I could be sure that my DH would do the same, but sometimes I think he wishes we would quit.


Gina

http://i175.photobucket.com/albums/w132/ginaelms/Dec06020.jpg

DD 15 yr Jade
DD 15 mo Olivia

[Sarah1]

I think for some women I know, it's more convenient to have someone else feed their baby when they can't be home, and for that reason they choose not to breastfeed.

For others, I think cosmetic reasons play a role. Breastfeeding my third kid, my boobs are so saggy, I'm seriously considering having them "repaired" when all is said and done.

I have a few really good friends who didn't breastfeed (for various reasons) and I really never questioned their decision. I only know of one woman who openly said she didn't breastfeed because she didn't want her boobs to be saggy and I thought that was absolutely selfish and ridiculous.

[lisams]

Hi Sarah! Good to "see" you around and congrats on your new baby!

[Jenn98]

I remember reading in one of my pregnancy books (Great Expectations, maybe?) that it wasn't nursing that made them saggy but pregnancy itself, so even if you don't nurse your breasts will still suffer. I'll have to look that fact up to be sure. Mmmm. off to research....