My sister sucks.

[fortato]

My father passed away a year ago yesterday. I was close with him and my mother- and my mother and I are still close. My sister has ALWAYS chosen her friends over her family and is only around when she wants something or when a holiday where gifts are involved...

Well, yesterday she needed to take the day off... because "she is too distraught to concentrate on her job". Apparently she was too distraught to call her mother to see how she was doing on the anniversary of the loss of her husband, the love of her life.


I'm super bitchy about this, and I really want to just kick her in the head, but, that won't cure anything.
What would you do??
Ugh... how is it possible that we came from the same gene pool?

[MamaMolly]

I'm so sorry for your loss. The first anniversary of my step dad's passing is coming up. It has been a hard year.

Your sister sounds a lot like my step sisters. Our parents married late in life so we were all adults when we met. He was a kind, lovely gentleman of a man. I don't know where they went wrong, they are very self centered. Unbelievably self centered. Everything is about them, as in: "Enough about me, let's talk about you. What do YOU think of me?" kind of self centerdness. Their kids are just like them, and a charming 3rd generation is on the way. Lovely.

It is very possible that as the un-empathetic center of her own universe your sister actually was too distraught to reach out and offer comfort to her mother. When you can't imagine that anyone else is any more important than you are, you look at the world through some pretty selfish filters.

I hate to say it but if she hasn't gotten it by now she just might not ever. If I were you I'd stop beating my head against a wall. You can only be responsible for yourself and how you treat others. You are a good daughter and sister to care.

Hugs, and again I'm so sorry for your loss.

[StantonHyde]

The first thing to remember is that when a family member dies, the rest of the family does not become different, it becomes more. Someone gave me that advice re. my dad after my mom died and were they ever right!!! So if your sister never was close to your family, she will be even less close now. My favorite mantra is "Don't go looking for milk in the hardware store". I keep repeating it every time I interact with my dad.

Another way to look at this is that everybody grieves in their own way and she might so stuck in her grieving that she doesn't have enough to help your mom at this point. I didn't call my dad on the anniversary of my mom's death--he called the day before to say he would be "fasting on the mountain". For me, it takes every ounce of what I have to deal with my dad so calling him is toxic to me even if it is helpful to him. If your sister is so different, maybe she doesn't get along with your mom. In my case, if it had been the anniversary of my dad's death, I would have absolutely called my mom because we grieved in many of the same ways and because she was best friend in the world and sharing my grief with her would have helped.

Hugs to you and your mom. It really does get better the second year.

[janeybwild]

Kristen, I say put your sister and mine in a locked room. It would be interesting to see who came out alive. First up, big hugs to you on this hideous anniversary. It sucks and she sucks. Nuff said.

[egfmba]

"Don't go looking for milk in the hardware store".

This is so perfect! Not to hijack, but here I go: I need to remember this when dealing with my family.

To OP: hugs. My sister sucks too. When I call the house (she's 16 & still lives w/ my mom) and ask for mom, she actually says, "Who's this?" I say, "It's her daughter." Sis says, "No, THIS is her daughter." How many daughters does mom have, selfish? >( For the record, there's just the 2 of us!

So, no, you're not alone. A swift kick in the arse might be good for your soul, but I doubt it'll make sis wanna come around more. I wish you luck in remembering StantonHyde's mantra (as I hope to).

eva

[ChunkyNicksChunkyMom]

Send me her addy and I will slap her around a bit for you, sorry you are having to deal with this xoxo.

[g-mama]

Kristen - I'm sorry. :( Just wanted to send a hug, I just had the 5-year anniversary of losing my mom who was my best friend in the world.