family & shower issues

[mezzona]

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[tarabenet]

You need to work on your attitude. Not that yours is bad! But you need to be able to know "I'm the Mommy. He's the Daddy. We appreciate everyone's thoughts and help, but we're the ones in charge. We make the decisions." Say that to yourself a few times. See how right it feels? See how little whats-her-name's issues actually matter?

Share your info, try to educate them -- IF you want to! But know that you can't make them agree with you and it doesn't matter whether they do or not.

And stop wasting your precious energy on being put out with her for her tacky behavior. She doesn't deserve your energy. She is trying to manipulate you and to take away your joy. Don't let her do either of those things! You just keep on being you and doing what you feel is right and bet for your family!
ETA: Everyone who knows her knows she talks s**t behind others' backs. They will know she is full of it on this too. Don't worry about it.

You. Are. The. Mama.
That's all there is to it. :)

[AbbysMom]

I don't have advice but I can empathize. I didn't want a shower and my friends were horrified. They insisted that I do a registry even though I didn't want to and after my DD was born, not a single one of them bought a single item off the registry! urgh! But I think that the point of showers and registries is for people to get you things you want and need. She sounds pretty unreasonable to call you up from the store and ask you. she should have just read the registry sheet and, if she didn't like anything there, just bought you something else you could use. She also sounds pretty vindictive to come to your shower and bring a gift for another child. Again, I have no advice but think you are totally in the right to be upset.

[Britt]

If it really upsets you that she's mad at you, maybe you could show her the information you have regarding baby bedding and sids. If she still insists on being upset and vindictive well that's her problem. Why should you be upset? You're going to have a new baby to love and snuggle soon.

[gatorsmom]

As usual, Tarabenet has given EXCELLENT advice. And I just want to expand on what she said. You definitely need to develop thicker skin. Because this is just the beginning of many, many more people questioning your parenting style and the decisions you make. And it's none of their business. You absolutely should not feel bad or guilty for doing what you think is right. It's important that you do what you think is right because YOU and your family are the ones who will live with the consequences of your decisions.

Some one here on these boards told me just a few months ago this phrase and it's part of my philosophy now: Your kid, your call. Just remember that and you'll be fine.

btw, you are a very smart woman for coming here and following the advice on these boards. Whoever that person is you are speaking of should be ashamed of herself trying to bully you around like that. She was terribly rude and juvenile to not bring a gift for you to your own shower but included some other baby. And i'll bet the other guests at your shower thought so too.

GL and feel free to come to the bitching post to keep us up to date on that annoying person! ;)

[KBecks]

I would completely ignore it and move on. If she's got a problem with your registry, it's her problem. As long as you are polite and gracious, you've got nothing to worry about. If she's a sh*t talker, that reflects on her much more than it does on you.

[MamaMolly]

Oh, I'm fired up on this one for you! It annoys the crap out of me that people like this refuse to educate themselves but consider themselves authorities on something...especially parenting! She just sounds so pitifully stupid to me.
It totally stinks that she is being b!tchy to you just because you won't let her push you around. And it shows what a small heart she has that she'd be ugly to an unborn baby for goodness sake! Just cause she didn't get her way. A bully and a brat. I'm sure other members of the family has been on the receiving end of this that no one is going to take a word she says seriously. She is a bad joke and should be treated like one: ignored.

I have to agree with the other posts, you are the Mama. Period. What you say goes. Period. On the bright side you can look at it this way, you are getting a chance to exercise those new Mama muscles. The ones that don't take crap from anyone.

My fun crib bedding example? We visited Great Grandma (89 years old) she rented us a crib with all the trimmings and then was very disturbed that I refused to use the bumper. Even Great Grandpa thought we should use it, after all he'd paid for it! I respectfully and politely declined until I'd heard one time too many that DD might break her leg or arm. I respectfully and politely explained that DD can recover from a broken arm or leg, she can't recover from suffocating.

Period. End of story. Why? Cause I am the Mama. And guess what hon? You are the Mama, too. Welcome to the club!

[kali]

I totally agree with everyone's responses. To me, it sounds like your relative is miffed that you aren't deferring to her "voice of experience." Some people take that really personally; my own mother felt like I was somehow disrespecting her if I didn't follow all her advice on caring for my baby. I didn't want to hurt her feelings or undermine her bond with my son, but she was being really unreasonable--to the point of emotional blackmail. She would cry, and complain to other family members about how I was doing everything wrong, but didn't trust her advice. Her baby experiences were over 25 years ago, and her approach wasn't even at the cutting edge then, if you KWIM!

Your situation is tough; at least with my mom I could tell her to lay off and we'd have a fight, but it would all blow over sooner rather than later. It's much harder to take the "I'm the mom, step off" attitude with in-laws. But, you sound like you think of your DH's family as your own and you want them to be involved in your child's life.

At the end of the day, you have to parent the way you think is right, and if people try to make you feel bad for it, then it's really their problem. Believe me, they will love your child, whatever they think of you!

[dogmom]

The other tactic to use, especially when dealing with family is, "Well, the baby's doctor said ________ so I'm just going to go with that." Covers bedding, BF, introduction of solid foods, sleep choices, etc., etc. Unless they got a medical degree it is sort of hard to argue with it. (Although some will try, lol) Then ask about something else, weather, sports, their kids, etc.

[dr mom]

maybe you could show her the information you have regarding baby bedding and sids

Honestly, I wouldn't bother. There's no point engaging in a debate, because that suggests to Mrs. Rhymes-With-Witch that the issue is negotiable. It's not. You are the Mommy, you have already made your decision. Period.

This person sounds rude and passive-aggressive (bringing a gift to your shower for someone ELSE but not for you??) and apparently thinks that she has the right to make decisions about how to raise your child. You've just done yourself and your DH a big favor, by letting her know early on that YOU are the Mommy, and YOU make the decisions. I know it's unpleasant and awkward, but better you settle that now...otherwise it will just go on and on...and there will always be something that people think you should be doing differently.

My all-time favorite tactic for handling unsolicited, unwanted parenting advice is the "Bean Dip" strategy: www.gentlechristianmothers.com/mb/index.php/topic,1988.0.html

[niccig]

I'm sorry you're already getting this. The other posters are right, it doesn't matter what you do, someone will disagree with your parenting and tell you. Either you're breastfeeding or not, or not long enough or your child has a pacifier or not, or you're holding the baby/burping the wrong wall, don't have a hat or socks on them...it doesn't matter what it is.

It may be good to set the boundaries NOW. Some people get the hint and stop saying things (my MIL), others keep telling you (my mother).

One good piece of advice I got from these boards, is to not explain yourself too much, as then people think it's a topic up for discussion. Eg. my DS is RF at 3 yo. I still get asked when I'll turn him, my answer is "when he outgrows the seat", and THEN you change the subject, normally back to something about them. People like your relative, LOVE to talk about themselves. If they persist, you say "DH and I have discussed this and we're happy with our decision", THEN change the subject again.

And as for the SH*T talking, everyone knows she does this. Don't waste any energy into worrying about it. My mother leaves tomorrow and my ears will be burning this weekend as she complains to my aunt and all her friends, but they all know she's controlling, so they'll understand why I didn't let her get her way at Christmas.

Take the high road, when you see here be friendly and don't refer to the baby shower/bumper at all. Before you know it, someone else will do/say something that she'll get worked up about, and she'll concentrate on that.

[Melanie]

Bizzare. Is she already a mother? Those are the hardest to deal with and I try to remind myself of that to not act this way to my 'newbie' parent friends. ;)

Honestly, I wouldn't bother with it. Just continue on like nothing happened. If you normally call her or see her certain days, then call her. If she brings it up again I'd just try to vaguely and tactfully say something about how the safety recommendations are always changing. And if she does bring you something you don't want, and these types always do, just take the gift receipt and return it for what you want. :)

[JoyNChrist]

I love this quote from the "Bean Dip Strategy" that Cindy (dr mom) posted...

"I want us to have a good relationship. I want you to *enjoy* the baby. I'll parent the baby - you enjoy them."

This lets people know in a hurry that by disagreeing with their parenting opinions, you're not trying to alienate them or keep them from your child. You want them to enjoy the baby and be a part of the baby's life...but all the parenting decisions are up to you, because you're the mama. It's not their responsibility to parent the child - they just need to love him or her.

Never feel bad about being firm about that. You're being a good mama.

And I hate to have to break it to you, but it gets a lot worse before it gets better. Everyone's an expert when it comes to children. You learn to develop pretty thick skin.

[mezzona]

Thanks everyone :) I guess I freaked out because this was the first of what I now know will be one of many bullying/disapprovals/etc in the future from her and many others. Thanks for all the advice and the reassurance. I now feel a lot more confident and armed for future situations!

[mommy111]

Ordinarily, I'd put my foot down (I have VERY thick skin). But if your family is likely to upset you very much and repeatedly do this kind of thing, let them bring what they want and don't use it (and/or return it). If they ask, 'where's the crib bedding I gave DD/DS?' say doctor forbade it, like one of the PPs said, or its in the wash. Sometimes its not even worth getting the thick skin beaten :)