The honeymoon is so over....I have not slept in 3 days!!!-WARNING LONG

[HIU8]

Ok, this is as much a bitch as a cry for help/advise.

Background. DS is 3. DD is 7 months. DS is in PT preschool and I am a SAHM who works 10 hrs a week from the computer. DS has suddenly decided that I am the only one that can help him (bathe him, put him to bed, stay in his doorway until he falls asleep etc....). He cannot/will not nap or get himself down at night anymore. DH cannot go near him at night or he literally flips out. This would not be so bad if it were the only issue. DS now also wakes up 3 to 4 times a night yelling for me.

Meanwhile, DD is teething and has suddenly begun a bought of separation anxiety. She screams and makes herself hyperventilate when DH holds her at night when I am dealing with DS. bedtime has recently become a 2 hour ordeal. DH and I are at our wits end and need sleep desperately! We thought we would try a white noise machine for DS and possibly give him a picture of me with him to take to bed. Other than that we have no idea what to do to help him through this. It is so bad that DS stopped potty training completely.

Also, DD will only fall asleep on the bottle. She cannot put herself down. We have been trying to train her to do so since she was 8 weeks old. So, I finally get DS to bed and we have to keep DD downstairs with us until DS is alseep, because she will wake him up if he cries.

DS was such a good sleeper just a few weeks ago. Either DH or I could put him down and just say goodnight and walk out of the room. I really miss that.

To top it off DH has decreed no more children because he cannot handle this (so I'm frustrated and sad now-because I'm not sure that I am done and we agreed to talk about it when DD turns one).

HELP. I have not slept in 3 days!

[gatorsmom]

I'm a firm believer in the "tough love" attitude so these suggestions might not be for you, but I've got 4 kids (and always knew I wanted a big family) so there is no room for fartin' around at night, kwim?

First of all, YOU need some sleep. So if that means putting DD down to sleep with a bottle for a couple of nights, that isn't going to kill her. Her teeth won't rot out of her head in a couple of nights. Just do what you have to do now to get some sleep (by the way, Cha Cha needed a bottle of milk in his crib and I slowly started adding water to it over a period of 2-3 weeks til it was all water and he didn't want it anymore).

Second, I've heard that when children start hyperventilating, they are doing it to manipulate you. You might want to call your ped, but i don't think that letting DD cry for a while in her crib while you deal with your son is going to hurt her. In fact (and this may sound strange) it might be exactly what your son needs. He may be having a little delayed jealousy of his new little sister and is trying to get your attention. By letting DD cry while you help him you are showing him that at times his needs take priority. Just like at times DD's needs take priority- everyone is equal in the house. I know that I definitely do that with Cha Cha and Gator- sometimes if they need me at the same time that the babies are crying I go to them first- the babies wont' know the difference but they will and I want them to see that the babies aren't more important than them, see what I mean?

As for your DS freaking out at night, do you guys follow a nightly routine? If not, I'd start one and threaten time-outs if they don't follow it. Also, give them countdowns like, "we are going to get our pjs on in 5 minutes then we are going to brush our teeth, ok?" Also, take some time to sit and talk to him in his room when he's laying down. I did that with my 4 year old for awhile and he loved it. I'd sit on a chair next to his bed and talk to him after his prayers and just before he rolled over to go to sleep. We talked about what his day at school was like, who he played with, what he worked on, how he felt about that, etc. My DH was in charge of the other children while I did that, which was only about 15-20 minutes. It was special time and Gator loved it.

As for your DH, he'll forget this time. All kids go through phases. Don't write off more kids just yet.

ETA: I forgot that I wanted to tell you to go ahead for a couple of nights and give in to your son without complaining- give him his bath, get his pjs on, etc. Then sit next to him and talk to him before he goes to sleep. But explain to him that you can't and won't be going to his room in the middle of the night anymore. Say this calmly and kindly and tell him that you are very tired and you need your rest. Then I'd send DH in to DS's room if DS wakes at night. Ask what he wants and have DH tell DS that you can't come but you'll see him first thing in the morning. Since DS doesn't want to talk to DH he wants you, that should hopefully stop the wakeup calls.

Oh, and get a white noise machine for DD's room. That way, when DS is wailing at 4am because you won't go to his room, it won't wake her.

HTH!

[elizabethkott]

(((((hugs)))))!
While we don't have 2, the J-man has turned into a bedtime monster.
I think Lisa gave great advice - sometimes you have to take the tough love approach. I'm totally going to use her suggestion about the bottle with adding in water, too!
In our house, DH and I just started switching responsibilities - now he's supposed to put J to bed and I walk the dog. Great idea, except DH is the weakest link in the parenting chain. Here's last night's conversation that was had after I returned from walking Maggie.
"But when I put him down, he stands up and screams."
"SO LEAVE HIM THERE! He'll fall asleep in five minutes - he's trying to manipulate you."
"I've had it. You do it then."
Five minutes later, I'm back downstairs with a glass of wine in my hand. :)
Sometimes, it's REALLY good to be the mama. :)
Hang in there though, Heather. It will get better! :)

[jal]

Sounds like some great advice coming from Gatorsmom's.

While I can't really add to her advice, I can tell you that from experience, when it becomes time to institute that tough love, things might be even more difficult for you... but only at first. We've found that it usually takes about three days of dropping the boom before things get better.

One example that comes to mind was the time when DS#1 learned to turn door knobs to open doors. He was already sleeping on a mattress on the floor. When he acquired this new skill, somehow he thought that it meant he could get out of bed and come out of his room any time he wanted. We had to put a baby gate across the outside of his bedroom door to force him to stay in his room. We had to endure three sleepless nights of him opening his door and crying because that gate was in his way. But by the fourth night, he learned that his crying was not going to get him past the gate, we took the gate down the next day, and never had another problem with it.

[JoyNChrist]

CIO worked for us.

It's so hard, but within two weeks of the day we started, DS was sleeping a minimum of 10 hours at night in his crib, and has been for a month now. Lots of tears on his end and mine, but we're both so much more well-rested and happier now.

ETA - He rarely cries now when we put him in his crib for the night, but if he does it's less than 10 minutes (usually less than 5).

[HIU8]

Thanks for all the suggestions. DH and I both got more sleep last night as both DD and DS slept all night.

DD is 7 months. She doesn't hold her own bottle yet. So DH and I put her in her crib while I was putting DS down. She screamed intermittently. DH just checked on her to make sure she was ok. Meanwhile, DS and I read books and did our regular nighttime routine. Plus, DS took a picture of me with him to bed, and he picked out my glasses case to sleep with. I did sit outside his room for about 5 minutes. Then I told him I was taking DD down to DH and I would come back upstairs. I had to sit for a couple of minutes again, but I got up and went downstairs.

DD, on the other hand stayed downstairs with us either holding her or in the pack n play.

DS has a routine that we follow and he lately has been really testing the boundries. He gets one warning and then goes right to timeout. That usually takes care of it until the next thing arises (timeouts happen at least 2 times during the bedtime routine).


Everyone slept until 5:30 am when DD woke up starving. DS also woke up but didn't want to go back to bed with DH or me. So, while I showered DS watched a DVD--that seemed to work.

[hillview]

I can SO relate.
DS is 2.5 years old and in a big boy bed and seems to be waking up middle of the night (seperation anxiety and now in a big boy bed so he CAN). Also been getting up at 5:30 am for the day (and at least once this week at 4:30 am!).
DS #2 4.5 months old and usually sleeps with one wake up for food.
DH away for work for 4 days.

I am not ready to do CIO with DS #2 so I am sucking that up. DS #1 seems so needy (maybe delayed reaction to DS #2 arriving) that I am not yet doing the tough love thing but if it keeps up I will have to. Sounds like last night was better so that is great news ... I find these things go in cycles with us ... a few days and something changes. Hope things get better soon!!

I do find with DS #2 that if I tell him something "It is still night time outside, you have to go back to bed and cannot get up til the clock says 7 on the first number" he can often be ok with that.


/hillary

[HIU8]

DS has been in a bed since right after he turned 2. We did that on purpose because DS has issues with change and we wanted to make sure he didn't feel like we kicked him out of his room and the crib. From day 1 things went smoothly. DS loved his bed. He normally sleeps from about 9 pm until 7 or 8 am everyday. He did this even after DD was born. Now DD is 7 months and DS has started to act out more and test boundries more. Both DH and I do something with DS separately every week.

We got DD to sleep from about 10 pm until 6 or 7 am with a nap during the day (she naps for 2 hours while DS is in preschool and then takes 2 or 3 20-40 minute naps in the afternoon). At 4 months she was sleeping through the night. But now, with teething things are changing. I think I am going to get a white noise CD for each child and see how that works. DS likes to argue with me about whether it is bedtime etc... (I think I see a future lawyer in my house--YIKES--he is just like my brother was at his age).