SIL trouble - WWYD?

[ThreeofUs]

Hi, All--

I have a problem SIL, who has major attachment issues, and need some strategies to deal with her.

Here's the story: When DS was born, SIL showed up from two hours away with a van full of toys and clothes that looked like they came from a bargain-basement 2nd hand box. (I like recycling clothes and toys, but these were on the junky side!) She meant well, and of course we thanked her. Most of it went into the attic, except for some clothes and the odd toy that got mixed in.

All the junk lives still up there because we found out 2 years later that she wants it back. (She admits she's never going to have another child, she's just attached.) Although we've told her we don't want to store it any more, she keeps making excuses for not getting it, including blaming DH for not following up.

I'm at a loss. I'd like to tell her to come get it or it's going on the tree lawn, but know this will precipitate a full family crisis.

WWYD?

[kedss]

Can you have DH contact her and spell it out for her? It seems that 2 years is a long time to store things for her.

[gatorsmom]

I would call and let her know that in 3 weeks you plan to clean out your attic and if she doesn't pick up the stuff then, you will place it in a storage unit for her and, I don't know, pay the first month's rent. I might even call other family members and let them know that this is what you are doing. If they want to help by storing it for her, they are welcome to pick it up. They have 3 weeks to do it. You could make up some excuse about having a mold issue in the attic so it needs to be cleared out and cleaned. Or, you have some other repair that needs to be done.

By calling the family members, you letting them know that this is their chance to help. My guess is that they will opt out and then keep their traps shut about you moving the stuff out. If your SIL complains that she needs more than 3 weeks to come get it, just say, no problem, it will be in storage. But you have to do it now because you have an appointment with a company that is hard to book, etc, etc.

I'd put it in a storage unit, give her address as the billing address and pay the first month in cash. You can usually find some cheap storage for like $60-$75/month.

By doing this, you have given her and the rest of the family plenty of opportunities to help. They can't complain that you didn't try to do everything you could.

[egfmba]

I'd take it out of my attic, drive it to her house and put it on her front porch when I know she's going to be home. Then I'd ring her doorbell and run.

No kidding.

Just make sure she's home so she can't accuse you of trying to get the stuff stolen.

This is her crap. I'd put it back on her to find someplace for it. It doesn't say, but is she too far to do this? I know someone who had a boat towed off his property and onto his brother's property (it was his brother's boat and, like your situation, his brother wouldn't come get it). The brother was p*ssed, but my friend had told him repeatedly to come get it.

Now a boat is a heckuva lot bigger than a few boxes. Your SIL shouldn't have a problem with finding space for the stuff if you dropped it off at her house.

Good luck!
eva

[hillview]

Take it to her house. If that isn't reasonable (too much stuff, she lives too far etc). Tell her you are renovating attic or doing architecure plans or more insulation etc and need the stuff out by such and such a date (30 days seems reasonable) and if that isn't possible you will recycle it for her (garbage).

GOOD LUCK.
/hillary

[Marisa6826]

Tell her you think you have a mouse problem and you wouldn't want to risk her precious stuff getting infested. It would be *much* safer in her care. ;)

Then dump it back on her front porch and run.

-m

[ThreeofUs]

Thanks for your thoughts! It's good to be able to air a knotty little problem like this, and get such great, inventive feedback!

SIL's over 2 hours away and it's way too much to fit in our Outback. So she needs to get it or we need to dump it.

I had DH read your replies (a MUCH better way to get the ball rolling than my simply bringing it up - thanks!) and call her tonight. He told her the stuff had to go, and that we needed to have it resolved on a week timescale because we're getting rid of the carpets up there (which is true). She's going to get back to us - but I told DH he should email her tomorrow to follow up.

How about this? She berated him for not getting back to her on email about the stuff - as if she had ever proposed a solution or emailed us with anything but excuses! It's a really unique world she lives in....

[MamaMolly]

Hmmmm, I've got to disagree a little with folks about fibbing. I'm always worried that this sort of thing will come home to bite you on the butt. Extra details are also things that can trip you up later on, too. Like when she asks about the exterminator...KWIM?

I think that you just need to tell her how much you appreciate the loan, but that you don't need the stuff anymore. Then say you'd like to know what she'd like to have back because you will be donating what she doesn't. And you'll be donating it on the 26th. If she says she wants it all, tell her she needs to get it by the 26th. Because you'll be donating what ever is still at your house after the 26th. Two weeks is plenty of time for her to schedule a pick up.

From your second post, it sounds like she has no interest in setting an actual time to come pick this stuff up, you are going to have to be the one to do that. If you give her a deadline then she knows she has to honor it. And if she calls you on the 25th to beg for more time...well that is your call. But I wouldn't accept a delay without a firm pick up date. And a new toss-by date. And I'd go ahead and toss it if she misses the second one.

It also sounds like she wants these 'treasures' that she is sentimentally attached to but not enough to keep them at her house. And I am willing to bet she doesn't even know what is in your house (which is why I put treasures in quotes). If they mean so much to her, she needs to treat them with the respect they are due and build a shrine at her own house, not yours. OK, sorry for getting a little snarky, but it sounds like she is totally taking advantage of you.

I have a dad and a sister that also have attachment and hoarding problems. It isn't fun to deal with but you'll be so happy to have that space back.

Best of luck!

[KBecks]

I would deliver it to her the next time you are in her area.

Hm, knowing that delivery is a problem, I would just go ahead and cause the family crisis, but be very gentle, and give her a long time frame to pick it up. I'd tell her you need the storage space and that she should pick it up by (end of year? before back to school?) and give her a couple reminders.

Then quietly donate or trash if she does not come and get it. If she has another baby and moans and groans, be generous and give her a lot of gifts of new items and /or resale finds.