Emotional 5-year old. Help!

[daisymommy]

I didn't want to hijack the 4-year old thread, so I started this one, for my 5 year old.

Joshua is 5 years old. And quite the "Spirited" strong-willed child. I have always raised my kids with the gentle-discipline and attachment parenting approach, but lately I'm starting to wonder if it is back firing. When Joshua has not been able to calm himself down and stop throwing fits, we ask him to go to his room and lay down, take some deep breaths, and when he is in a better mood, and ready to stop screaming, then he can come out. But the rest of the family is not subjected to the ongoing tantrum.

Well lately, when he is at a friends house and he has to come home, he starts going absolutely bizzerk! Screaming, crying, arms and legs flailing all over...positively embarrasing for me and the other mother, as well as scary for the other child. I hate to admit this, but I have noticed that the other moms don't want him to cover over any more...and I don't blame them :( I have even talked with Joshua about the fact that because he has acted this way, that is WHY he isn't invited to come over to their house anymore, and the next time he goes to a friends home, how to deal with his feelings when it's time to leave.

And for the clincher: It's happening at school too. UGH. I just want to crawl under a rock I am so upset and embarrased by his behavior. He is never mean, or rude, or anything like that. But when something happens that upsets him, he has a meltdown. And he won't stop!!! The teachers have tried "everything" they say. Moving him to a quiet corner of the room, engaging him in a new activity, leaving him alone, etc. Finally he has to go to the office to calm down and re-group before he can return to class. I'm scared to go pick him up each day for fear of them telling me there was an "incident" in class again.

Sigh. I just don't know what to do with him. My DH says he would be better off homeschooled. But I feel like thats just avoiding the problem, and not helping him learn to deal with his emotions. Because thats saying it's okay to act that way at home, just not at school! And truly, theres no way I could deal with being with him 24/7. Sad but true.

I feel like such a bad mom right now. Why is my son acting this way, and what do I do about it?!?

[cchavez]

I have noticed in past threads that your son has SPD. My son (4.5) is also SPD and has a history of explosive outbursts/meltdowns. This past Summer our OT was giving our SPD parent support group a presentation on social skills. She mentioned that most kids become emotionally regulated b/w the age of 3-4 yrs. Well, DS had just turned 4 and was not emotionally regulated. I discussed this with her and we decided we should seek professional help. My DS started seeing a psychologist every other week and it has helped. I also have friends w/ SPD kids that see play therapistss. Good luck to you. I know it is hard but you sound like you have really tried to help your son in a variety of ways.

Also feel free to join our BBB special needs yahoo group:

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/BBBspecialneeds/

[janeybwild]

Amy, this sounds so heartbreaking for you all. You have a loving child who just feels things really really really big. I picture the son in "Parenthood". Super adorable. I agree with the pp that some professional help for you all might be indicated. Nothing wrong with that. Could you start with the school counselor or social worker? That's exactly what they are there for. They can help guide you to a good resource locally. He needs new strategies that you are not trained to come up. You need strategies to help him. He cannot control himself, so no amount of natural consequences is going to help. Sounds like you've done an awesome job so far on parenting the child you have, not the one you imagined you would have. Way to go.

[StantonHyde]

I can second the psychologist. DS had some real emotional issues when DD was born. I just wanted to know some better methods for parenting him. DH and I saw a great child psychologist once a month for 3 months. She would us ideas, we would do them, come back to report etc. It was great. She never had to see my son--I joked that it is like dog training--you really need to train the owners!! In your case, it sounds like your son could really benefit from a professional to learn self soothing. You are absolutely correct that home schooling might take away the classroom problem but would not necessarily correct the problem. Ok, so maybe he doesn't act out at school--but what about at other kids's houses? Or when you leave the grocery store etc? He needs help with this and there are great people who can provide that help.

You are doing the right things, you just need an extra hand here. And do NOT feel guilty about the no 24/7 thing. I LOVE my kids and I cannot do SAHM (thus probably not homeschooling)--I tried and I was miserable. I just had to accept that about myself and do what worked for me and my children.

The other thing is that I have worked in behavioral health for quite some time. One thing that is sad is when you have parents who want to keep the kids at home or sort of isolated from stimulus. Then when they come into treatment, our staff is able to design all sorts of program for them so they can reintegrate. These are not bad parents. But you get worn down. Staff work 8 hours a day and go home so they have fresh perspectives. And they are thrilled with involved parents who want to learn how to help their kids. Trust me, you will make a child psychologist's day :-)

[kransden]

I agree with all the other people that you should see a professional, and home schooling is not the answer. Ask the school if they have any good referrals or if they therapists in place you can utilize for free. You will want an experienced person that has a big bag of tricks. Your counselor might come up with the right solution first thing, but it may take a few times to find what works for your ds.

I worked in a self contained classroom for children with emotional problems for a day. (I realize this doesn't not make me an expert, or am I am implying that your child has these serious problems) I was amazed at how well the coping techniques were working for this one little guy. I now use one of the same techniques with my own dd. I saw about 4, but only one seemed to work for her.

So I guess my rambling point is that everyone can use a little assistance, and see if you can get it for free first.

[lisams]

Agreeing with the others. Is it possible that he has shown some anxiety about anything recently? I know DD has been asking a lot about God, death, heaven, growing up and leaving the house, etc. and sometimes after she's had a blowout she starts asking about these things. It's almost like she's having an anxiety attack or something. Just a thought.

Hang in there! It's a tough age.

[s_gosney]

Hi, Amy. Sorry to hear ds is having such a hard time. My dd is also really emotional and it's SO hard,and I think it can be doubly hard when you subscribe to gentle discipline and others around you don't. I know there are times when people are thinking "just spank that kid already." Anyway, while I don't disagree that professional help might be good for helping identify some new tools, I did have a couple of other thoughts. First, have you checked out the gentle Christian mothers site? I've found the discipline board there to be a great resource as I think they do a great job of being gentle but not permissive. The site owner there has a rule with her kids about "leaving successfully" where they know that returning to a fun place (the park, a friend's house) is contingent on leaving appropriately.

Also, have you read Dealing with Disappointment? I found it to be a great help for me and dd. In fact, I need to reread it. There's a detailed summary of it on the gcm site if you don't have time for the whole book.

I hope that you're able to find some strategies that work for ds. Big hugs to you!