People who assume they can borrow

[MommyMichelle07]

I have a cousin with a 9 month old and another cousin due in May. The mom to be, MIL, and parents of the Mom to be have made comments about borrowing things from the current Mom. Current Mom is kind of put-off by this since they plan to have more children and she doesn't want to loan them EVERYTHING (clothing if the same sex, car seat). She has no problem loaning the swing and some other sturdy items that will last through several children, but other things are off limits.

The problem is the family just assumes she will hand over almost anything without a problem. How do you tactfully tell them you won't loan out certain things?

Maybe make a list of available items and ask her if she's interested in any of those things? I'm trying to help her, because I agree with her, and we will all be together this eveing. Any advice will be greatly appreciated.

[lizajane]

i think it would be easy to just say, "hey i have been thinking about the things that i could let you use for your babe so you won't have to buy them. i know you can use the swing and the blah blah blah. i'll just hold onto the things i need to save for my next kiddo that could get messed up so you won't have to worry about getting little stains on clothes, etc. but i am sure the swing will be ok to use for multiple kids, so i will just get that back from you when you are done with it so i can save it for my next one, too.

i personally did loan out EVERYTHING to friends so i didn't have to store it! if there was a special outfit i wanted to save for my second, i just didn't loan that outfit. or if there was an outfit i wanted to be sure i got to use that wasn't "special" i just told my friend, "please use this one for church, etc, because i want to use it for #2 and i want to be sure it doesn't get messed up. but don't worry about the onesies or tee shirts or shorts or jeans because they can take a beating and still be used again."

i have loaned out all my DS1's clothing to a friend. her DS1 wears all of it. then she gives it back to me for my DS2, along with her DS1 stuff. he wears it. her DS1's stuff goes back to her DS2 and my stuff then either goes straight to my nephew in bulk, or if i think it won't fit for a long time, it goes back to the friend for her DS2 and THEN to my nephew. Honestly, most of my stuff gets worn by at least 3 children before it goes to my sister and she is THRILLED to have the stuff and has very few complaints about stains or wear. some of it isn't even her taste, so it would have been a waste to not let my friend use it when she loved it and my sister didn't. and the stuff that got stained is the stuff like undershirt onesies or newborn jammies. and who cares if stuff no one really sees has a stain on it when your own kid is just going to poop on to anyway! and frankly, because there is so much sharing, we have so much stuff, that if one thing gets ruined, it is just not a big deal AT ALL.

[bubbaray]

I haven't loaned out a single thing. No one loaned us anything and we had to purchase everything ourselves (no showers).... I just say "no, we're hoping to have more children" and change the subject. Not sure what I'd say now that we are (maybe?!) done.

HTH

[Pennylane]

I would just say we are planning on having more and are just packing everything away. I would not feel guitly at all!

Ann

[niccig]

When the subject comes up, I would say something like "yes, we have the swing and the high chair that you can use, and I'll put a few other things together." Then I would put together whatever I am comfortable with. EG. clothes that aren't special to me like onesies/sleepers etc. I wouldn't say anything about not wanting things damaged, she might take offense that you think she won't care for them.

We gave a lot of clothes to my SIL. In fact, way too many. They wanted to buy clothes, family/friend bought them clothes etc. I'm about to do up another parcel for her, and I'm specifically asking what she would like, rather than passing on everything. I did give her everything that MIL bought for DS, but anything from my Mum, I kept for my sister if she ever has kids.

[KBecks]

I would plan to loan the things I considered loan-able, and leave it at that. I'd let them know if you are not loaning the carseat or stroller, etc. so they can prepare to get those things on their own. I would also not make a big deal of it at all and be upbeat, saying, oh I have this and this and this and some clothes for you (the ones you don't love) and then say, you should get your own carseat and I know you'll want to get some things for yourself and have things to register for. And just let it lie. Don't be pressured.

[katydid1971]

DS was the first grandchild on both sides of the family so I can understand what she feels like. I kept it simple when my SILs were PG I would say "do you want to borrow my ... I want them back when we have another child." I only listed items I was willing to loan out and NOTHING I wasn't. Then I would only loan them those items. If something was mentioned by MIL I would "forget to bring it" or be "unable to find it." There are some things I don't care about or I know have a very limited time of use so I am willing to loan them out (the bouncer, the gym, the Baby Bjorn (Not my good carriers though) and I have gotten them back no problem. Clothes or other items that I care more about were never mentioned so they were never expected. HTH

[KrisM]

DS was the first grandchild on both sides of the family so I can understand what she feels like. I kept it simple when my SILs were PG I would say "do you want to borrow my ... I want them back when we have another child." I only listed items I was willing to loan out and NOTHING I wasn't. Then I would only loan them those items. If something was mentioned by MIL I would "forget to bring it" or be "unable to find it." There are some things I don't care about or I know have a very limited time of use so I am willing to loan them out (the bouncer, the gym, the Baby Bjorn (Not my good carriers though) and I have gotten them back no problem. Clothes or other items that I care more about were never mentioned so they were never expected. HTH

This is similar to what I've done for loaning things out as well.

Also, you can have ready a list of places to get a great deal on other things. I buy tons of clothes and most of the gear at Mom 2 Mom Sales. I also know which subdivisions have the best garage sales for baby/kid stuff. Maybe an offer to help shop those types of places would be as useful as loans.

[tnrnchick74]

I was offered the use of a crib & changing table from a dear co-worker. I have checked it out, it's still new and hasn't been recalled. I am GREATFULLY accepting. At first she said it would be mine, but the other day she said that they have decided to have another kid and would like it back after my baby is done with it. Cool! I have no problem with that! I would have offered it back anyways!

I know my SIL has a TON of clothing from my nephew, and since we just found out we are having a boy I called her and asked if she had any of the clothes left...and would she be willing to let me have some "hand-me-downs". She said she would look through stuff and see, but a lot of stuff she wanted to keep. Cool! No problem. I told her whatever she had would be appreciated and I would DEFINATELY pay shipping (we live in different states). No pressure.

Several other co-workers have said they have boy/girl clothing that they would love to get rid of. GREAT! I'll look through anything!

I have only asked my SIL, because we are close like that. If she had said NO!"...ok, issue dropped. And if NO ONE lets me have/borrow anything...that's fine too! I would never ASSUME or EXPECT anything from anyone! That's just kinda rude!

[MommyMichelle07]

Thanks everyone. We talked last night and she said a list is a good idea, so it looks like that's the route she will go.

[JoyNChrist]

I think expecting things is really rude.

My cousin and his wife just had a baby in December. I loaned them so much of DS's clothes, blankets, bibs, etc, along with bigger stuff like the swing, bouncer, and Bumbo.

I saved some of the newborn clothes that are really special to me to cut up for a quilt I want to make him for his first birthday. I was over at my grandmother's house cutting up the outfits the other day (my grandma's gonna help me put the quilt together, since I'm not much of a seamstress), and my cousin and his wife were over there. AND THAT ***** HAD THE NERVE TO COMPLAIN THAT I WAS CUTTING UP THE CLOTHES, BECAUSE SHE WOULD HAVE LIKED TO USE THEM! I wanted to slap her. Seriously. I paid for the stuff, I can do whatever the heck I want to with it. If I want to use them as dishrags, it's none of her business. Not to mention that I already brought her several crates full of clothes.

Sorry to hijack, but that just really annoyed me and I thought it was somewhat relevant to the conversation.

[rachelh]

Over the weekend, I was actually thinking of positng a b!tch about this but then I saw this...

I dont think I have people that expect to be able to borrow but I feel bad saying no. My sister-in-laws have all borrowed my maternity clothes and now another one wants them (and they are all quite a bit larger than me so I doubt they have ever even worn them - just sat in their closet.) And literally half my clothes are in France - yes a sister-in-law in France borrowed my clothes! I was just reorganizing my closet and saw that I am missing probably about 4 skirts, a couple of tops, and a really expnseive outfit I had to buy for a wedding and I have no idea where they are.

As far as DD's clothes - I am not lending them out! She has adorable things that I got amazing deals on and all are in great condition. I really dont want another baby ruining it with spit up, formula, food stains...

[o_mom]

People expecting to borrow would bug me. I lend out whatever I think can take it or stuff I wouldn't care about. Exersaucer, swing? No problem. Snow pants, boots - hardly get worn, so not a problem. Baptism outfit? Not a chance. At this point I am telling people that they are welcome to use stuff, no hurry getting it back, but please don't get rid of it without asking me first as we are on the fence about another baby.

[ha98ed14]

My b!tch is about people who offer to loan you (yup, she offered) and then get upset when it gets something on it. It's a baby. It spits up. They all do it.

The other fun situation with a family member, who isn't planning to have more kids, loans you clothes. All of them have been worn by her 4 and are now completely out-of-style b/c her oldest is 12, and tells you she wants them back because she plans to sell them at a consignment store! How do I tell her, no one is going to buy these? Ugh.

[Melanie]

How presumptuous!! I can't believe that. Well, maybe b/c I was the first of just about anyone I know to have a baby so no one loaned us anything. I've loaned a few things out but I try to think of it like loaning money to friends or family - if you cannot afford not to get it back, don't lend it. I'm not going to ruin a relationship over the stuff.

I still can't believe they'd just assume she's going to hand over her things. She ought to offer to take them to register so she can LEND her BTDT advice on brands and styles. ;)