Mother advice (long)

[niccig]

My mum is controlling. She bought herself a coffee mug that says "Queen Bee". She has an opinion on everything and she expects everyone to agree with her. She'll even tell my Dad what food to order at a restaurant. She starts sentences with "I have decided...." When she visits, she just does things without asking and takes over eg. For dinner we're having...

They were just here for a 5 week visit (way too long), and we had a tough time. I refused to let her call the shots at Christmas, she normally goes all out and I wanted something more low-key. I wouldn't go shopping with her all day long, because I hate to shop like that and it's boring for DS to be dragged from store to store. She said she refused to be a slave to a 3 year old's schedule, so I told her to not visit the 3 year old. They rented a car, so they could go where she wanted. She declared she was staying until the end of January to look after me when I have surgery, I told her that DH was doing that and she should go home as planned, which was yesterday.

I haven't been sleeping well and I am very irritable, and less tolerant of her behaviour, and we had a nasty fight. It hasn't blown over. Her last words before getting on the plane were "sorry to have been such a trouble to you." I know the chances of her behaviour changing are slim to none - she is like this with everyone.

Finally, my question - how do I deal with her from now on? I'm happy that I stood my ground, but I'm not happy with how I went about it - in fact I think I was a lot like her eg. I would say "no, we're doing it this way.." . I would love to have a frank discussion, but she loves confrontation and in her mind she is right so there's nothing to discuss, she'll just tell you how wrong you were.

I know others have similar experiences with family - any advice.

Oh, contact is mostly phone and web cam. They live in Australia and we see each other 1-2 times a year, but those visits are becoming increasingly difficult. We're supposed to visit in April as both my sisters will be there from the UK. And I don't think I want to go - her house, her territory kind of thing.

Thanks, sorry to be so long-winded,
Nicci

[npace19147]

Wow, that sounds really hard. First of all, for the visit you have planned to there, do you stay at her house? If you planned to stay elsewhere, maybe an extended stay suite or something, it would give you somewhere to escape to when things got overbearing. If that's not possible, maybe plan some overnight trips away while you're there, so you and your DH and DC can have some alone family time.

I had similar control issues with my mother and the best way I found to deal with it was to humor her as much as possible, and then do whatever I thought was best. On the phone with her just agree, say "uh huh, uh huh" and then ignore all advice.

There were no children in the picture though (my mom passed away b/f DDs were born) and we didn't have the 5 week visit complication. I think one or the other of us would have been arrested or had a coronary in that situation, so I give you a LOT of credit for making it through relatively unscathed!!

Good luck, families can be so hard!

[mom_hanna]

Can you go visit but stay in a hotel? I know it is expensive, but then you can see your sisters and visit on your own terms. And you have somewhere to escape to at night. I have issues with my family, and usually, when we visit, we stay in a hotel a couple miles away so that we are not surrounded 24 hours a day by them. Just something to consider.

Jennifer

hmmm,...looks like Nancy and I were posting at the same time. ditto what she said.

[niccig]

Thanks for the understanding. DH and I talked and we won't do a long trip there in April, and we're going to rent a car rather than use one of their cars. I'm also going to try and not respond angrily to her behaviour, still stand my ground but not get worked up over things. I know I can't change her behaviour, but I can change how I respond to it, and it's not worth the emotional cost. Future visits by them will be shorter and I'll be better prepared with things that they can do, to get them out of my hair eg. I'll give her a LA shopping guide, she'll be gone for days at a time then!