Feeling awful for my friend

[Britt]

DH and I moved here back in August and it's been kind of hard to make friends. We've made one couple friend, who had their DS 1 day before our son was born. Let's call them H and C. Well back in October C gets sent to Iraq, so H moves back to Arizona to live with family while he's gone. He got back this weekend and is staying with me and DH while he does some work stuff and before he got to Arizona for a week or so to pick up H and their DS. Well....last night he starts telling me and DH that he's picked up the nasty habit of smoking...which H will not tolerate. And he tells us that while H was pregnant with HIS child he was in tech school having a freaking affair! And then when he was in Iraq he was kissing some other girl. Oh and him and DH have had some drinks while he's been here, which is fine with me...but apparently, H doesn't let C drink (her religion is very against it). So he spent like 1 hour on the phone with her last night...NOT talking about any of this (she still doesn't know) but she knows something is up and she's pissed. And of course when C is telling us this he's saying he's so sorry about it and feels like crap and he knows it was wrong and whatnot.

So I'm upset because well H is my friend and she's a great person and totally doesn't deserve to be treated like this. I think she shouldn't put up with this because I know that DH and I have a firm "cheating is the dealbreaker rule". But at the same time, I want it to work out because I don't want their DS to have to go through all that (he's only 4 months old, and barely knows his dad and he has a feeling that H will put her foot down and he will barely get to see his DS if things don't work out). And because we got along so well with them and they are our only couple friends. But if it doesn't work out I don't know how much I want DH to be hanging out with C in case he turns out to be a bad influence (which looks like that's where it's going).

So I know there's really nothing I can do, it's between H and C. But it just pisses me off. I cannot believe the nerve of this guy.

[casey0729]

I don't get why people would bother telling other people who are both friends with their spouse about all this cheating unless they want you to spill the beans. Seriously. Normally I would say that it wouldn't be in your best interest to get involved but for some reason I can't help but think his motivation here is to get out of this relationship but he doesn't want to have the conversation.

He's smoking - which she won't tolerate.
He's drinking - which her religion is against.
He's having an affair - I doubt she'll be happy about that.

He may be saying he's sorry but his actions kinda say different. Still, I think you might be better off not getting involved. Then you'll be in the middle of all their arguments and that is not a good atmosphere for your child either. There's no rule that says you have to talk to him when he comes over.

What does your DH say? Please tell me he's disgusted by this. Hopefully he'll tell C to man up.

As for the friendship thing, start finding kid oriented stuff to do and you'll hopefully meet some other adults that share your interests. I don't know where you are but there has to be a play area or look online for a playgroup or library storytime or something.

[Melanie]

How awkward. Why is he even TELLING YOU these things? Do you think it was just drunk confession time? I think I'd muster up the courage to just stop him next time and say you are not comfortable with this information b/c you are friends with his wife.

Reminds me of back in the way old days when the exec who'd I'd occasionally screen phone calls for was dating a work friend of mine; and apparently several other women as well. Boy was that uncomfortable.

[SheriRae]

I feel badly that you had to listen to that guy. To put it mildly.....

that guy SUCKS!

Sounds a bit rude, but next time he starts to confess his sins, I'd stand up and walk out.

[lizajane]

if he tries this confessional carp again, i would tell him firmly that he needs to go to personal counseling, he needs to go to marriage counseling and he needs to set both up and then TELL HIS WIFE. and the let him know that he needs these things because he clearly WANTS to talk about it, but YOU and DH are NOT an appropriate audience. and then if he mentions it again, give him a firm, "this is not my business and i am uncomfortable. do i need to leave or can you drop it?"

bleech. so sorry.

[kijip]

Why the heck is he unloading all this on YOU!!!!??? I know you fell bad for your friend, but I feel bad for you. You open your home to a guy and he dumps all his problems on you. How awkward and weird. I agree that he is looking for a way out but is too chicken to have that direct of a conversation. Having an affair is bad enough, having one while your spouse is pregnant is downright terrible. What a loser supreme. How much longer is he staying with you?

[Britt]

Thankfully I think he is leaving tomorrow. Things are just awkward. Although both my husband and I are definately both very thankful that we have each other and we would never stoop so low. Thanks for all the advice. I will definately ask him to stop next time.