Help: "I don't want to go to school!" (long)

[writermama]

How common is this or am I the only one?

DD#1 is 4 1/2 and has been in Montessori 3 days a week since the beginning of last summer, so less than a year. She was excited and eager to go to school in the beginning, but since about October we've had repeated complaints of, "I don't like school! I don't want to go!"

At first, I was only a little worried, because she seemed happy and not ready to leave school whenever I went to pick her up in the afternoon. Even with prompting, her complaints usually weren't very specific. We did speak to her teacher about some boys playing a rowdy game that bothered her and encouraged her to seek out other children to play with instead ... for a while that seemed to help.

I also thought she just might be thinking that she was missing being home with me, perhaps jealous of all of the "Mommy time" DD#2 gets while she's at preschool. I've made an effort to arrange special Mommy time with her on the days she's not in school, but it doesn't seem to be helping.

I wanted her to love school. She was so ready to go. She wanted to meet other children. She was so happy at first. And now I'm worried that this is the start of "I hate school" for the next 12 years.

I want to like her teacher, but although I don't specifically dislike her, I don't have particular confidence in her. She has lots of teaching experience, but only 3 years of montessori and she's new to this school.

The teacher says DD is doing well academically, but I think she is bored. I know I've seen her read things much more difficult than the work she brings home. I plan to arrange an observation soon, but I know that my presence will change her behavior anyway.

This morning, in a fit of tears, she said she doesn't like her teacher, her activities, or her friends ... but I don't know if she means that or if she's just saying that so I'll let her stay home (I don't).

I don't know if I can switch her class at this school, or find a place at another school at this point, and I'm not sure if uprooting her would make things better or worse. I feel like I need to do something, but I want to move cautiously.

So, my question, if you've gotten this far, is how common is this? Is it just normal for the age, or is it a sign that something needs fixing at school?

[emmiem]

It actually is very common. All my kids have done the same at one time or another. I think it has to do with waking up early and rushing out to school and we are just in the middle of winter. However, she shouldn't be bored at a Montessori school. Everything is hands on and advances at her level. She chooses what she wants to work on if it is run truly on the Montessori method. Our Montessori school has all the age groups working together so you can't change classrooms. Maybe she needs to shake up what she is working on or who she is learning with.

[KrisM]

We went through this, and what I did might not be the best, but it worked. I was pretty sure he really did like school, since he didn't want to leave at the end, etc. I was certain the complaining had become a habit, rather than a real complaint. So, we made a chart and if he didn't complain and to school happily, he got a star. Two stars got him a trip for ice cream. He never complained again. Now, he asks when is his next school day and looks forward to it.

[egoldber]

I would definitely go and observe. Try to be there for a long period of time and especially observe when they are outside or at meal times.

I went through this with Sarah last year and it turned out she was being bullied by several boys in her class. She had started saying in February that she did not want to go to school, which was really not like her. But I assumed it was a reaction to getting a new sibling. She talked about a couple boys she didn't like, but other than that never really said anything. In talking to the teacher it didn't seem like there was much going on.

A couple months later, I attended a school picnic and was shocked to realize that there was basically a pack of kids in her class that were specifically targeting her for aggressive behavior. It was called a "game" but it was NOT a game. I am ashamed to say that because it was almost the end of school and I was still overwhelmed and sleep deprived with Amy, I did nothing more than talk to the teacher about it again. But it definitely had an affect on her behavior and her attitude toward school. And I have heard MANY stories of kids who used to like school not liking it, only to discover that there was a bullying type situation going on.

Anyway, not to scare you, but I would definitely observe and keep this in mind. Kids do not always say they are the target of aggressive behavior and teachers honestly don't always see it, because a lot of times it takes place on the playground or at lunch where the teacher is busy and not always on top of it like they would be in the actual classroom.

[Ceepa]

Maybe she no longer enjoys the Montessori environment?

[californiagirl]

DD says this, but she also says she loves school. It's pretty clearly about not wanting to leave me. And about picking it up from the culture... there are lots of references in books and the like to hating school.

If you feel worried, I'd definitely arrange to observe.

[mamicka]

If this has been going on since October I'd do a lot more investigating of the situation or just make a change. Maybe Montessori isn't for her, maybe there's a problem with the teacher or other kids, maybe its just not a good fit for some other reason.

While we get the "I don't want to go to school today" occasionallt, it isn't every day & its usually short-lived when I remind him what's on the schedule ("you don't want to go to school on silly hat day?") & he changes his tune.

[TahliasMom]

I would do an observation. See how she interacts with kids, how the teachers interact with her. Maybe she has issues wiht other kids and needs to work on conflict resolution skills. Dd has a lot of learning to do in that area as her homecare situation taught her some bad habits. Maybe she needs more structure or more direction/encourgament to try more difficult jobs?

We go through the same thing on ocassion. DD has been in Montessori since May of last year right when she turned 3. She went thru a love and hate relationship several times since then. It's especially hard on Mon am after a 2 day weekend at home. I noticed dd also get upset when we rush in the am so I am getting her in the habit of getting up a little earlier. That way she gets to school between 7:30-8am when there are less kids. DD gets attention from the teacher, slowly eases into the day. When we're rushing her and arrive at last minute, dd doesn't have settle down time and gets fussy. I also ask her when I pick her up to show me her art file, her fav project, etc. I will sometimes arrive early and do a job with her. This way I show interest and encourage learning as she knows mommy is going to ask what I did today so I better have something to tell her. I also try to attend all the school activites that way it shows her that what she's doing is important not just a place where mommy dumps me off while she goes to work. (Yes did accussed me of this several times when we switched from homecare to preschool.)
Also dd went thru a phase where she was bored for a while. She's highly spirited and though very bright, it's hard for her to focus on a job for a designated time or listen to a story, etc. So when teachers ask about letters and numbers she feels left out. So dd would get bored, frustrated and act out. It's an age thing. The teachers worked with her by letting her do another job or activity and slowly by 3.5 her attention span started to grow and so did her desire for "learning."

[mik8]

I agree with PP's. Go and observe. There could very well be factors in school that made her changed her disposition. I know for a fact that as early as 4 yrs. old, cliques could form and therefore could affect other kid's confidence because they feel left out. Could it be the teachers too? I know my child was very lukewarm with one teacher (and she's very nice but older lady who belongs to the old school discipline type). I'd suggest you observe.

[firstbaby]

I would go with a multi-prong approach. I would go and observe, I might try the reward chart that Kris mentioned, and I would shop other schools. I think looking at other schools could give you some perspective on your current school, would help you feel that you have options if the current school doesn't pan out and (if you wanted to go extreme but there was a school you felt compelled by) maybe your DD could try the other program for a short period of time on the days she doesn't have her current school to then make a decision on pulling her from her current school.

DS is 4 and a couple of days he's said he doesn't want to go to school. I have said "Oh, then you won't be able to play with (and then inserted certain friends' names)" and he has then perked up about going. It is a co-op so I work in the class a few days a month and he likes having other mommies in the class with him too.

Also, if you don't feel that strongly about the teacher, that could tell you something too. Just like every other job, some people are better suited to their jobs and can make better relationships with some than others. It just may not be the best match.

Good luck and keep us posted!