Updated: DS's birthday party has gotten out of control

[firstbaby]

Update:

Thanks so much ladies for your support! After a discussion with DH last night, I did call the three preschool parents this morning to let them know we were not going to be able to accomodate their older children. I presented it pretty open like: "the party has grown rather large and we're challenged with accomodating everyone. I know it's tough since it is a school holiday, but our preference would be...". All of them were really cool about it. One is leaving her older child with a neighbor, two of them will drop off their kids and come back for pizza and cake. I thought a lot about leaving it as a life lesson, but then I realized I was really stressed and unhappy about how I felt about DS's party so I needed to do something about it. Lori, you gave me the confidence I needed to make those tough calls. Thanks again!!!

I am so ticked right now and that I could scream. We are blessed to have a lot of groups of friends and it is always exciting for DS to be able to see them all at his birthday parties. We went with a party place this year that could accomodate a large number of kids included in the flat fee for that reason.

So, Tuesday at preschool, one of the dad's "just wanted to mention" that he would have his older daughter with him as well. She's 9. But he "has no other choice" because his wife is working the day of the party. I was a little surprised and told him I guess that was okay, but she needed to understand that this was a party for a 4 year old and that she needed to be careful around the younger kids.

Today, TWO of the moms are waiting for me outside our preschool door to "mention" that they also would have their older children with them. But, not to worry, they tell me. They will just bring their DS gaming systems with them and play on the couches (in the adult coffee lounge area) during the party. Okay, first of all, they will still charge me for the older kids. Second, the couches are for the adults. My 70 year old IL's don't need to be standing the whole party. Third of all, your video games will distract the younger kids. One of the moms had the nerve to ask me how many the party package included to see if her daughter could be included in my numbers.

This is all on top of the fact that each of these older siblings, that we've never met, will cost $10 per head PLUS the extra pizza and cake I will need to have for them. And I will now have 8, 9 and 10 year olds running around at my 4 year olds birthday party.

DH is livid. He wants me to call them this afternoon and tell them we can't accomodate the older siblings and while we hope their younger child can still come, we understand if they can't. I think if they come and see my niece that will be there (she's 8) they will be ticked that SOME older children where included but not their's.

WTF do I do? Suck it up? Call them? Factoring in the cost per head plus pizza, I'm looking at $45 extra for these kids I don't know. It wouldn't have cost anything extra if we were under the alloted amount but we have a lot of DS's "known" friends coming. And now a bunch of kids he doesn't know. :(

[billysmommy]

This happened last year at Billy's birthday party. We were having it at our house but we had a nature class as a part of it that included up to 25 children. We had already hit 25 kids with the invited children. A couple of the parents in Billy's class did the same thing ~ "mentioned" that they would have other children with them at the party but "not to worry" they wouldn't bother anything. After thinking about it, I did end up calling the parents and basically saying exactly what you wrote "tell them we can't accomodate the older siblings and while we hope their younger child can still come, we understand if they can't". I was stressed out about calling but every parent totally understood ~ one hired a sitter so she could still come with her child and the others just didn't come but there were no hard feelings. And they all mentioned that they knew this would happen to them sometime also. I did let 2 moms bring the younger siblings but they were under a year and still nursing so would not even factor into the party at all.

Your niece is of course going to be there ~ she is family!!! Not a sibling of a child in your ds's class who you don't even know.

Good luck :)

[SnuggleBuggles]

Unfortunately it might be a case of "lesson learned" meaning that in the future you include a message in the invite that the invitation is only for the invied child. There have been good threads on how to word such a thing in the invitation.

However, I agree that it stinks that people assume they can do this.

You are certainly entitled to do what your husband wants to do. Personally I would just roll with it and not worry about the $45 this time (unless money was really tight). I know that you say the seating is for the adults but I am sure that will work out fine. And I bet the majority of the kids will be too busy playing to notice the older kids' video games. Most of the time my ds is around bigger kids either the bigger kids ignore him or they are super great at playing with the little ones.

I did want to comment on this:
"One of the moms had the nerve to ask me how many the party package included to see if her daughter could be included in my numbers."

See, I don't think that is a bad thing. I think her intention was not to invite her child. I think she was trying to determine whether you would have to pay extra for her. Maybe if she knew you'd have to pay extra she would change her plans? The other mom (the same mom?) who said that her kids would be in the lounge area might have thought that by doing that you would not have to pay for the child to attend the party and probably weren't expecting the older sibling to participate in activities or food so as to save you $. At least, that would be what a nice person would be trying to accomplish. Pretend it was somewhere like Chuck E Cheese's where anyone could walk in free and only the people at the party had to be paid for. Maybe that's what she was thinking and that's why she didn't think it would matter if her older dc was there?

I hope that you can come up with a good resolution here. I bet it will be a great party no matter what. :)

Beth

[gatorsmom]

This hasn't happened to us yet but I'd be insulted too if someone took it upon themselves to invite their daughter along because you still had some unfilled places. In this case I'd think to myself that it's not their decision to make and I'd simply answer- we're full.

I think it's fine to call those parents back and say exactly what you put in your post- something like, I'm sorry I have to call and let you know that this party is for the younger kids only. I hope you understand that I've just had to limit the number of people attending. Thank you for understanding. Hope you can still come, so sorry if you can't blah, blah blah. Better to resolve it than to stew over it. I would think that most people would understand. An extra $45 for kids you don't know on top of what you are already spending. I think it would bother me too.

[Ceepa]

ITA with everything Lisa said.

You and your Dh are already stressed and irritated about the situation, and you're the birthday parents! Better to resolve the situation now and focus on the other aspects of the party.

[niccig]

This hasn't happened to us, but a friend had a party at a play space and people brought extra siblings WITHOUT asking her. She got hit with an unexpected extra charge on the day. Understandable, she was mightily po'ed.

I would go back to the parents and say that you checked the numbers and the group is full, so I'm very sorry blah blah blah.

[egfmba]

FWIW, I just had this issue arise. I had a party planned for DS1 that included up to 20 kids. I had invited more than 20 'kids' but several of them were older kids (family members) who wouldn't be participating in the activities. But, I left a few spaces open in case a couple of them decided to play with the younger ones so we wouldn't be charged for them. Then one of the moms called and said she wanted to bring her two other kids to the party.

I explained that the party was for the invited guests only, as we were limited in the number of guests we could include, but that I would let her know if any spaces opened up and we would still be happy to see the invited kid, but that if she couldn't make it we understood. She then volunteered to pay for her kids to come to the party, which I was willing to let her do. ;)

In the end, she got sick and couldn't bring any of them to the party, but it was nice that we could come to an agreement without feelings getting hurt.

Good luck to you in whatever you decide. I don't think there's anything wrong with simply stating you are limited in the number of children you can invite and you have invited them all so you are unable to accommodate more.

eva

[LD92599]

I just did the invites this week for DS's 5th - it's at Build a Bear and then McD's afterwards. I know there's at least 2 siblings in the mix. But then for McD's do i pay for the parents? Yikes i hope not! I'm also thinking that a few may skip the McD's part of the party.

It's his 1st "kid" party and his last year w/ day care.