Bonechilling tragedy - what can a friend possibly do????

[Mamma2004]

Mother fatally injures 2-year-old in driveway accident

Police said a woman accidentally killed her 2-year-old daughter when she backed over her in the driveway of their home last night. The mother was backing out the driveway in a sport utility vehicle when the child got caught underneath, he said. [***The mother needed to run to the drug store before the family went out together. The daughter ran out a different door of the house, unbeknownst to anyone, apparently wanting to go shopping with Mommy. The mother did not even KNOW that she had hit her. Tragically, she found the child lying in the driveway when she returned 10 minutes later.]

Utterly heartbreaking tragedy - how can we friends be there for this family without invading a terribly horrifying, private time? The parents are amazingly loving, attentive, spiritual people and I cannot imagine what their family is enduring. We're all just sick, powerless, just praying for that precious girl and the family who needs to learn to live with this tragedy.

Thank you for any suggestions.

Stephanie

[bisous]

This is truly awful and I'm sorry to say that I don't have much experience with this so my suggestions might not be any good. But I did want to offer my sympathy to the family and to you--that must be so hard to hear and to deal with.

I suppose it couldn't hurt to offer prayers or send good thoughts. I think I've read before that calling and just saying letting people know that you are there and that you care can provide solace for families who are grieving.

Hopefully others will weigh in with more help.

Hugs,

jen

[ThreeofUs]

BE there for them. Right now, if they are lucky, they are probably under medical care, but certainly they are in horrible shock and entering a terrible grief.

But send a card, send flowers, send a reheatable meal - anything, whatever. At this point, let them know they are not alone.

If they attend a church, you might find out from their spiritual leader(s) what is being done in the way of support. You could also ask family (if you know them) how you can help.

And, oh, what a horrible tragedy.

[egoldber]

What a terrible tragedy. :( Its horrible to lose a child under any circumstances, let alone these.

The most important thing is to be there for them as they grieve. They will need to find their own way to work through this, but you can help with mundane things. Bringing them food. Watching other children. And do these things for a long time. Thats the worst thing about grieving a loss. People think you are "better" after a couple months, but thats when the worst part of the loss begins, after the initial shock and adrenaline wears off and the long pain of emptiness sets in.

Just being there for them to talk to is a BIG thing. Don't try to fix this. Just let them talk and listen. Talking over a story again and again is how a lot of people process their grief, so they made to tell it again and again as hard as it is to hear.

And in this case, I would assure her gently again and again as time goes by, if she asks, that this was not her fault. It was a terrible, tragic accident. No different than if she had been driving the car with her child in it and someone else struck them and the child was killed and she survived. But she needs to get to that place in her own way.

Peace to you, your friends and your community as you face this horrible loss.

[JoyNChrist]

I agree with what Beth said about being there for the long haul. I haven't experienced a loss like this, but I dated a guy in high school whose brother was in a terrible skiing accident that left him severely mentally and physically handicapped. For the first few months, our little community provided an overwhelming amount of help and support.

And then, almost overnight, there was nothing.

It was like they were suddenly supposed to be "better". And the thing is, the real hard stuff was only just settling in. My boyfriend's mom said to me many times that she would have rathered had only a few new people offering help and support every few weeks, than have such an overwhelming amount of aid in the first couple of months, only to be left basically alone after that.

Not exactly the same situation, but I hope you get what I'm saying.

I wish you and the family peace. What a horrible tragedy for everyone to deal with.

ETA - I've heard over and over again that the best tangible help people receive during times of tragedy, loss, sickness, or even just change are childcare and meals. I can only imagine how hard it is to be dealing with grief and still have to be concerned about caring for your children and feeding your family.

[DrSally]

This actually happened last year to SIL's neighbor. The 4 year old boy was running out to say goodbye to his dad. It is too horrible to even imagine. I just think you let them know that you are there for whatever they need. They may wish to handle it in various ways that you will want to honor. They may need some time alone, or they may want to be surrounded with friends, take their lead.

[justlearning]

What a horrible tragedy! I will be praying for their family as well.

I agree with everything that the previous posters said but thought I'd add an additional recommendation based on my own experience. When our son was diagnosed with cancer a few months ago, we had many people calling but I didn't feel like talking at all on the phone. I felt badly, though, for not calling people back so I then felt guilty instead of better. What I did appreciate were people emailing me to let me know that their hearts were terrribly saddened for us and to let us know that they would be continually praying for our family. The emails worked well because I didn't feel guilty for not responding to them or I could just reply back quickly with a "thank you for your prayers" if I wanted to do so. I'm also glad that I have a record in my inbox of everyone's emails to me back then so I can print them out sometime in the future and save them for our son's scrapbook.

I have also appreciated some friends who have continued to send cards every so often with words of encouragement or Scripture verses. Other ways that friends (including those who don't even know us that well) have blessed us are by offering to watch our other son when needed and by bringing meals that can be eaten then or put in a freezer.

So, even though I can't relate to her extreme tragedy, what I would do for the mother if she were my friend would be to send her an email today letting her know that you are lifting her up in prayer and then being for her in other ways in the future.

Oh, one more thing I thought to add--depending on how close you are to her, you could offer to help however help is needed right now when they'll be preparing for the funeral, etc. I did this for a friend a few months ago whose husband was killed in an accident. It turns out that the best way I could help her right then was by making arrangements for the food to serve the family at the funeral and by getting friends to help serve the family and then package the food up afterwards and have it taken to the widow's home. In her situation, her closest friend stepped in and took charge of organizing everything and then we (those who were helping in different ways) reported back to her, so that way the friend who was experiencing so much grief didn't have to talk to all of us.

[Globetrotter]

How tragic. This happened to a friend of my parents. In her case, she hit the neighbor's daughter (who ran out into the street). Their kids used to play together all the time - regardless of the circumstances, it's horrible to have to deal with the guilt. She even left town for some time and was under psychiatric care to help deal with the guilt :(

I've seen people go through this sort of thing. It's so true that people tend to forget after some time and assume you are "okay". Continue to offer your support and lend an ear, if you are close. Coordinate a meal dropoff. If they have other kids, offer to babysit. Give a specific list of things you are willing to do so they will be less hesitant to ask you, and also include an offer to help in other ways. They will have to live with this forever, so your support will be critical. The email idea sounds good, if they are the types who will check emails during a crisis. It's best if a close friend coordinates the "help" so the parents don't have to think about schedules, etc...

[mom2chloe]

I'm horrified to say, this happened to a family I know as well. It was at the child's own birthday party...friends/family were gathering as the guest of honor was fatally injured.

I have to agree w/ JoyNChrist... BE THERE for the long haul... Someone said to me, There are words for losing your spouse (widow/widower) but there are no words for someone who loses a child. The pain never goes away.

My point here... REACH OUT. People can always ignore the phone if they want privacy... but let them know you're there...not just this week and next week.. at the holidays... around the child's birthday... and any other milestone events in their family... Re-heatable food is PERFECT for a family who has no energy for day to day life while they begin to cope... but their loss will be with them a lot longer than the frozen dinners... so let them know you are still there too.